Christmas is cancelled

[littlepinkfizz]

Hi my 16 year old is a lovely ,innocent looking girl. She does well at school and is mostly fine at home. However she has been lying to us without us even knowing, going out with her friends during the summer,coming home early but it appshe has been taking cannabis and has previously been drunk on several occasions. She denies all to the point that we have doubted ourselves and I have felt guilty. But after staying out all night and refuting tell us where she was she was grounded and pocket money stopped.
She went out to a community youth group that she does volunteer work with as part of her Duke of Ed, She returned home and headed up to her room saying her friend's mum had dropped her home( I had left this girl home the previous week). Later I noticed a small package on the stairs.. herbal cannabis. She eventually confessed that she had arranged herself to meet the dealer and buy it herself . She smoked it but her friend ( a different one ) did not.She says her friends don't do drugs. She does not seem remorseful and we have even offered to get her s counselker to speak to and are waiting to have one get back to us. She said she would speak to one.

I have got her about half of what I usually spend on her and her older sisters for Christmas already, but do not feel that it would be correct to
reward her with what she normally gets due to her recent behaviour.

AIBU?

but if you have no experience of it - i am moving how can you judge?

Well done, littlepinkfizz for talking to her and getting her to talk about the fact that she is doing this because she is unhappy and suggesting counselling. I just lost my brother who started on weed and alcohol to self-medicate his anxiety and gradually moved on to prescription drugs bought from dealers until one day, the mix of medication just shut his lungs down. He wasn't even 40 and his life was, quite frankly, shit because of the mental health issues which came from the skunk and alcohol. The mental health people say that these days, they would act early to help people who feel the need to do this.

Oops pressed the wrong button before I'd finished. I also have a cousin who was fine until he started smoking Skunk in his 20's, he succumbed to schizophrenia within 12 months.

I think it is terribly dangerous to dismiss this as just a bit of alcohol or weed. A lot of us may get away with it but too many don't. As a young girl she puts herself in danger from predators every time she gets wasted. The fact she admits to being unhappy should ring alarm bells.

I think there's dabbling in weed and then there's going to dealers and smoking it alone. That's what's worrying, normal teen behaviour is smoking a joint with your friends. Its a social activity, not doing it alone and meeting with dealers. That's self medicating.
But I do think that punishing this is the wrong way to go, and a councillor is probably a good idea. I think its important that she can talk to you, you need to show her you love and care about her, as it sounds like something is wrong.
And I know that many teens try weed and alcohol, most of mine were a bit older at 18 but probably 90% of my friends tried it, some turned out fine however I do know so many now who smoked weed as teens and now smoke it every night, spending £100+ a week on it, and doing harder drugs e.g. Coke. Id say about 40% now do it every night and 20% do coke regularly of those who smoked it as teens. There's no correlation between those whose parents were open to it and those who parents were very against it. So it is something to be careful of and I don't think its something to minimise.

She needs help more than punishment. Speak to the doctor, contact the police. Knowing she is abusing drugs and not contacting these people makes you complicit. Make sure she gets help, now. Christmas is an irrelevance frankly.

That is a difficult one. I hope that this is teenage rebellion and if she takes steps to stop/improve her behaviour I don't think I would cancel Christmas. I am a softy but if she sees a counsellor and works with you then I would keep everything as normal. Good luck!

WLF46, hope that post was sarcastic. Talk about OTT.....

Is she still achieving what is expected in terms of academics and any other goals you have (sporting, music, whatever extra-curricular activities)?

Many of my friends tried and even bought weed at that age and we're all degree educated professionals. Consider that she might be saying it's all on her to protect her mates. IMO and IME weed smokers do have friends that do the same but equally, many friends who simply don't. I know that doesn't help, but I guess I'm saying I would no more take the 'it was all me' at face value than assume most mates were in on it.

If you go OTT with this she will never tell you anything again. It is so common with teenagers. I did it for a while and never ever took anything else, I felt I knew where I stood with weed but the thought of other drugs scared me to death. I remember telling my mum and her going mental. Didn't bother telling her much after that.

Have you decided if you are 100% against her using weed, if so then how about not punishing her at all but insisting that she take regular drug tests until she earns your trust back. The tests are cheap and available on Amazon. Write up when they will happen (roughly) and what the consequences will be if she fails them. Get her to sign it and give her a copy.

The fact she is buying from dealers herself is really worrying. She might not be dealing but she may well be buying it for her friends.
Personally I don't think it's ok for teens to dabble in weed. It's ok for most kids but it seriously and permanently fucks some of them up.

Drug dealing has changed and it's far more sinister and nasty these days with much stronger links to organized crime. It the past you would get more casual user/dealer/importers. My Dad was one of them. . Thankfully he stopped after getting caught one to many times. He still has the ccasional joint for medicinal purposes

Tests from Amazon.

YuckYuckEwwww has it spot on. Tell teenagers of all the dangers of drink and drugs and they won't believe you they see most of their friends doing it and nothing's happened to them. They don't think of the future.

It's everywhere, kids are taking drugs at school, they are taking them in my dds grammar school in the middle of the day (some kids not the whole school).

You just have to keep talking and be approachable so that they will talk to you. I don't know what's scarier, my dds doing all this stuff or me not knowing about it. Of course I don't condone it in the slightest and they know how I feel about drugs but if they want to do it they will do it and I'd rather be able to talk to them and help them than them being too scared of me.

I remember what it was like to be their age I was drinking and smoking and clubbing and smoking weed, but I went to school and university and turned out ok. Maybe it was luck, but I think with love and support and a strong family it's less likely to spiral or of control.
And most kids who smoke a bit of weed and have a few drink ms don't go on to be heroin addicts on the street.

Spot on YuckYuckEwwww

Thing is,I know teenagers experiment. That is par for the course.
But she contacted the dealer he self ,met him herself. My concern is for he very young and vulnerable brain. What els could this dealer be selling her now that he knows her face.

It's not normal,nor am I overreacting that my 16 year old is in direct contact with a dealer.

I have already been in contact with the police. They would have to report it to the DPS and she would have a criminal record.

Obviously I have to give her another chance while explaining all these concerns to her.

I'd give her another chance but I'd be drug testing her too. She won't mind and won't have anything to worry about unless she is intending to carry on with the weed.....

what nocapes said this -->

"Didn't we all dabble in alcohol and weed at that age??
Only difference here is my Mum still doesn't know
I'd be grateful she's telling you tbh"

tricky one, however, nocapes is right.

I feel for you as I remember what I put my parents through when I was a teenager. Plus I have 3 to look forward to! My best advice to you is just be there for her to support and advise but try not to judge as she is trying to find out who she really is and wants to be. Most teens experiment with drink and drugs but if you know about it it's safer than not. My mum always said she knew I was going to the pub when I was underage and clubs but she would rather me be honest and phone her if I needed her help. (Reverse charge in the phone box)! Good luck with this.

I think I would keep Christmas separate but she probably does need some sort of sanction such as withdrawing her phone each evening after school. Can you find out if she has the dealer's number in her contacts list. If you could block that it might reduce the temptation. She needs to understand that she has knocked your trust in her and needs to build it back up. Feel your pain.

I fully agree with you re the importance of using drugs
I also think that yu seem to have handle the situation well. You have talked to her, found a counsellor and she is agreeing to see them.
These ar all things that needed to happen.

Christmas though is a different issue.

She might have played around with cannabis but the fact she went to find the dealer is a step that shows it is more important for her than just experimenting. If it is, there is a reason for it. And I really don't think that punishing her, asking her ressentful and pushed away is going to help in any shape or form.
Quite the opposite, what she needs now is to feel accepted, and supported.

I'm a bit confused with your last post though.
Did you or not report her to the Police?
If not, would you consider it if yu find some weed in the hOuse again?

Who was the dealer and who gave her his number?
All this 'dealer' stuff is v dramatic but dd must have been given the details somewhere. Or it WAS just Toby in the 6th form, after all, not a gun-toting gang member in a derelict squat.
I'd put money on the 'just me, no one else involved, not my mates' means 'fuck, don't call their parents or my mates will kill me for grassing'.
What about her older sisters? Have you asked them if they have ever smoked, and you just didn't know? They will be more in touch with what is the norm in your local teen community.
I have a 16yo dd. She has some school friends who do 'dabble', but more of them drink at parties. All are great kids, with well above average grades, and no social concerns. We discuss it regularly (before and after any party) and while I won't condone drugs (as an FYI it is about to be legalized here ) I actually have no problem with her having a couple of drinks. She isn't overly keen. But I have less than a year before she leaves for university, and I would rather she confront these things now, learn about herself and her limits, while I am in a position to put these things into context for her.
The idea of her being confronted with these choices for the first time after leaving home is terrifying.
She goes to a catholic school. Literally this year they have suddenly realised alcohol exists. Some of them are overdoing it (once in a blue moon at a party) but they are all sensible enough to know what to do in a life threatening situation.
Did I smoke cannabis? Hell no. Have never had a drag of even a regular fag. The whole idea of wanting to smoke anything boggles my mind. But I'm 45 and know that makes me pretty much a freak
Did I drink? Absolutely. Do I know any alcoholics? Of course I do. I also have the 17yo dd of a friend with addiction issues living with me.
Would I cancel Christmas if any of the teens living here were found to have occasionally smoked pot or got drunk? No. But I'd talk to them about it.
For me, the important thing is that your dd said she was unhappy.
She needs reassurance and support until you get to the bottom of whatever that is. Not punishment.

Sorry to hear your daughter is unhappy. I think the most important thing is to support her through that. I'm 16 and everything she's doing is pretty standard. It's fairly common for cannabis to be around at parties (though I have no interest in it) and if I turned up at a party and there wasn't any drink there I'd be off. My parents know full well about drinking, as do all my friends' parents, obviously they give advice about doing so in moderation, not always heeded. I think the last thing she needs is any kind of cancelling of Christmas, hopefully it'll be a really nice family time which she'll love - and enjoy the time away from school!

i think being a teenager is about finding who you are, independently from parental influence. I think it is telling that you call her a lovely innocent looking girl. No 16 year old is completely innocent as they are around other teenagers and influences they will never tell us about.
It is important they make mistakes and learn to deal with the consequences in a more grown up way. I am not surprised she lied to you, would you tell your parents that you smoked dope at 16? Keep the lines of communication open, Christmas should be a way of showing her how strong the family bonds are underneath the tensions. The fact she is willing to talk to someone and accept responsibility shows I don't think you have much to worry about. If she hadn't been able to be responsible for her actions I think you would have to worry more.

I'd be very careful about building walls at this tricky time.(Been there as have so many of us)