Should DH muddle through with a chest infection?

[coffeecuppa]

My DH has form for being lazy and used to be a compulsive liar (had counselling in September so I have to assume all things are ok in that respect now). I've posted about him on here before, under a different username. Decided to NC for good as the previous one was easy to work out.

Anyway. He started a new job in July and has 6 months' probation. During probation he doesn't get sick pay. He had a couple of sick days over the past few months, one for a cold and one for a bad back, and he claims he didn't know he didn't get sick pay.

He's now been off since Thursday, and will probably be off the rest of the week. He was diagnosed yesterday with a chest infection and has antibiotics. Has a pretty gross cough.

For reference, he has failed probation two previous times - once directly because of taking time off sick when he hurt his back - resulting in us having next to no income for months at a time. I'm a SAHM trying to start freelancing, so I'm not really able to contribute to finances on a regular basis, though since August I've put all my earnings (about £1,500) into the JA. DS is 14 months and goes to nursery Wednesdays and Thursdays. I don't get much opportunity to do any freelance work apart from those days.

We're already struggling with finances and next month is going to be even worse as DH will be 7 days poorer. Plus there's the issue of him being in his probation, a time when he's meant to pull out all the stops and convince his employer he's worth keeping - something he's struggled with in the past.

Here's the AIBU: should I expect DH to make the effort to go into work with a chest infection? He's well enough to laugh at Facebook, nip to the shops to buy beer and sweeties, play Xbox, chuck DS up in the air, etc. He has a desk job, he drives to work.

I'm sure he's feeling rotten, but I had a chest infection and sinus infection at the same time back in August and I still had to muddle through looking after a baby all day (and night) long!

There are deeper relationship issues at play here but I guess I'm looking for some advice.

AIBU to hope DH would muddle through with a chest infection so that a) he won't lose his job and b) we aren't as up shit creek financially next month? :S

Well doesn't that just say it all

Well, yes that does say it all.

His loss love.

the tears are easy - much easier than making a go of a job or pulling your weight with a child. Cheap emotional manipulation is called cheap because it's so easy to tug on your heart strings. The obvious fact is, if he was holding down his job reliably, without worrying you and honesty couldn't do DIY, you could pay someone to do it, but you have very good reason based on past form to think he's about to blow yet another chance and that he's manifestly lazy across every aspect of his life (except making his meal ticket feel bad obviously). Don't be swayed, all that'll happen is that your claim on assets gets worse as you start working and he stops.

What a lazy fuck.

The situation is clearly not affecting his ability to sleep, the way it would a normal person who gives a shit about these things.

You're doing the right thing OP. Stick to your guns, but be prepared for the fact that your STBXH will probably have very little to do with your DS once you're separated as he clearly CBA. As the survivor of a fuckwad, lazy father, I can reassure you that this is by far the best thing in the long term. You don't want your DS ending up like him.

It's strange, he says how much he loves being a father and how he's such a hands-on dad... Yeah, he likes to chuck DS up in the air, tickle him and give him his bedtime bottle, but reading to him? Bathing him? Changing his nappy? Taking him out of his own accord? Nope. Sad.

It sounds like he enjoys the stuff that gives him gratification/validation (I'm making my boy laugh, I'm a fun dad! I'm having a bedtime cuddle, my boy loves me!) and doesn't care about the stuff that doesn't validate him (the "boring" child centred stuff like reading or bathing or anything else that is parenting!). He really needs to grow up.

Wow! Worse than even I thought. You and your son definitely well rid!

Me again...

He's coming back tonight so we can talk. He says he realises the things he's been doing wrong (or not doing) and wants to figure out how we can save the marriage.

I'm not sure I want to try again. Would you give him the benefit of the doubt? Maybe he can change, man up, be a husband instead of a teenage boy?

I'm not sure how I can come back from feeling such anger and disappointment. I defended him to my family for so long, once this happened I stopped doing that - I now fully see what they've been seeing and what I had been denying (to them and myself).

Can a man-child change? Can he become someone I respect and feel attracted to?

you say he's blown at least one other job? I'm not sure I could give him another chance because he's already had you pay off his debts, blown at least 1 other job and is about to fail probation having been lucky enough to get this one? He's living in a house where he's put up none of the money and obviously isn't worried about bill contributions. I don't think I could let all the resentment go - what are the chances he's suddenly going to stop being lazy in all the important aspects of his life in a concrete way? It'd have happened by now already surely? Was he similarly sorry the previous times? I think he's emotionally manipulative, but I defer to anyone with real experience of people changing.

Yeah that's what I'm worrying about, OldBoots. He might pull his weight and throw himself into his job for a while, but then go back to his old ways. I couldn't cope with that.

He says he's had a massive wake-up call and is re-evaluating everything, not just the issues I've raised, but other things too.

Very confused now

Did you see the lawyer op? I can't remember. Call me an old cynic, but I'd be suspecting that he's waiting to lose his job to better his settlement. It's easier to say that from the outside though.

at the very least I'd want a very concrete plan about why this time would be different. TBH, if he's sincere, I'd make him sign something to say that if he loses this job, he foregoes a claim on the money your dad pays - some sort of concrete financial penalty to protect you in case this is his ultimate goal. I'm old and cynical but he has form for taking advantage...

dad paid towards your house I mean!

I don't think I'd believe him OP. I'm sure he has had a shock and has been thinking, now his cushty life has come to an end.

If he wants to give it another go, I'd make him prove, for a good few months at least, that he was serious. Not letting him move back in. Not letting him opt out of parenting (actual parenting, not just the 10 minute fun bit), having to come round early to do nursery drop-off, etc.

If he has to put in extra effort, then see how long he can keep it up when he doesn't have you running round after him.

No I didn't see a solicitor in the end. I don't think he knows enough about divorce/financial settlement to try to get a better deal, he really doesn't want us to separate at all.

I think getting him to create a plan of action wrt DIY is a good idea, as it'll be obvious whether he sticks to it or not. I also want him to approach his boss and ask him outright whether his time off has impacted on the likelihood of him being kept on. If it has then he will need to be proactive in looking for something new rather than just waiting and seeing if he gets booted and us having to struggle through unemployment for god knows how long.

Amarok, didn't see your post.
Yes, he certainly needs to prove himself over a longer term. I plan to let him come back here but he will not stay in my bedroom, he'll have to sleep on the uncomfortable sofa bed (which he picked - I wanted a comfy day bed from ikea but was over-ruled!) in the spare room. I won't do any laundry for him, or tidy up anything of his (within reason). He seriously needs to pull his weight or he'll be out for good.

you don't have to be terribly savvy to understand that you'll get a better settlement when you are not working than when you have a job (even if you're soon to lose it). It still all comes back to the issue of whether you really can muster any attraction etc for him after how he's behaved because even if he does start behaving somewhat better, what then, do you still love him?

perhaps he can change - i think though, like a toddler, you have to set very, very clear daily expectations with him, and boot out parameters.

Here is a list of all the jobs needing doing in our house which I drew up for one of my DC recently (I doubt yours is vastly different). Might be a surprise to him how much there is to do!

Book doctor/dentist appointments
Buy birthday cards
Buy birthday presents
Buy Christmas cards
Buy Christmas presents
Change lightbulbs
Check post
Clean bath
Clean bathroom sink
Clean hob
Clean inside oven
Clean kitchen counter tops
Clean mirrors
Clean under furniture
Clean upstairs loo
Clean windows
Clear out fridge
Clear table after meals
Create grocery list
Create non-food shopping list
Deal with mail
Dishwasher maintenance wash
Dry clothes
Dry sheets
Dry sofa covers and cushion covers
Dry towels
Empty dishwasher
Empty draining board
File paid bills and other paperwork
Load dishwasher
Make beds
Change beds
Mow lawn
Pay bills
Put away clean clothes
Put away shopping
Put away towels
Put dirty clothes in washing basket
Put toys away
Read stories
Replace sofa covers and cushion covers
Rinse recycling
Set table
Sort clean clothes
Sort dirty laundry
Strip beds
Take clean clothes to bedrooms
Take out recycling
Take out rubbish from big bin
Vacuum back
Vacuum dining room/playroom/kitchen
Vacuum front room
Vacuum stairs and landing
Vacuum upstairs
Wash clothes
Wash dishes
Wash car
Wash mattress covers, pillow covers and duvets
Wash sheets
Wash sofa covers and cushion covers
Wash towels
Washing machine maintenance wash
Water lawn
Weekly shopping for food and non-food items
Wipe big table
Wipe kitchen cupboards
Wipe light switches & door handles
Wrap Christmas presents
Write Christmas cards

Please don't let him move back in. You will never get him out.
Get your dad to send over a copy of what your dh should have signed 're the house and get him to sign it now. Or ask your dad do changes to that document need to be made.
You need to start really looking at the reality of your situation not just coast along hoping for the best.

I'd have him prove himself before even THINKING about letting him move in again - remember even on the sofa if he's living there it'll increase his legal claim.

And yes get that paperwork signed.

Personally I'd start with he's got to show he can hold down a job!

yes I wouldn't start with the DIY either - the job and sharing the parenting load are surely the priority?

I certainly don't intend to coast along, *mickeysminnie•. I expect drastic changes from him and if I don't see these within a week he will be out. No excuses. Since he left on Friday morning I've suffered with a fever (hot/cold/sweating/shaking) and tonsillitis yet I've cleaned the house, re-ordered the downstairs cupboard, prepared the bath/shower for new sealant, identified what's leaking under the kitchen sink (off to buy tape to patch it up once DS has finished his lunch) and done all the usual household chores. If I can do it whilst poorly and with a toddler screaming at me, he can do it.

I'm not sure about getting him to sign a document now. I'll have to think on it, as it seems almost... I don't know... mean? Underhanded? Considering how seriously I'm thinking of leaving him, it feels like I'm just trying to orchestrate it all in my favour. I don't know.

MrsHathaway, thank you for the comprehensive list! I did write out something similar, though less detailed, for him back in September (complete with the days each thing should be done on) but he only stuck to it for a couple of weeks. Grr.

i wouldn't see it like that, i'd see it as protecting my dad's money that he gave to you. Fair enough if you split the money you put up 50/50 but your dad presumably worked hard to give that money to you, not your lazy DH. I don't see why, if he's on the level and really intends to win you over, he wouldn't sign it. I think should've got him to sign this long back and you should do it especially now.

OldBoots, the DIY is something that has been hanging over us and it's an obvious yes/no situation. Has he done it? Yes? Good. Now we need to tackle XYZ. No? Out you go.

The parental responsibility divide is tricky because he gets in at about 6.20, which is when DS is already in his jammies ready for bed, so there's not much to do. It's the weekends when I really wish he would pull his weight, so we'll see what happens on Saturday. I'm actually going out to a posh 'do' on Saturday so ideally he would do the whole shebang solo, from dinner at 5pm. We'll see.

Ahh I see what you mean about the documents. Sorry I might not have explained myself properly. We did sign a document protecting my dad's money - my dad has a 13% share of the house, so if we sell he'll get 13% back. My dad meant he should have got H to sign an extra document protecting the rest of the deposit, which was my inheritance. So it's two separate amounts that made up the full deposit, a 'gift' from my dad and my inheritance from a trust fund. We've still got a big old mortgage to pay as we're down south, it's so expensive to buy down here. My dad never mentioned this to me while we were in the process of buying, he only mentioned it last week that he would have liked to get H to sign it but didn't.