Should DH muddle through with a chest infection?

[coffeecuppa]

My DH has form for being lazy and used to be a compulsive liar (had counselling in September so I have to assume all things are ok in that respect now). I've posted about him on here before, under a different username. Decided to NC for good as the previous one was easy to work out.

Anyway. He started a new job in July and has 6 months' probation. During probation he doesn't get sick pay. He had a couple of sick days over the past few months, one for a cold and one for a bad back, and he claims he didn't know he didn't get sick pay.

He's now been off since Thursday, and will probably be off the rest of the week. He was diagnosed yesterday with a chest infection and has antibiotics. Has a pretty gross cough.

For reference, he has failed probation two previous times - once directly because of taking time off sick when he hurt his back - resulting in us having next to no income for months at a time. I'm a SAHM trying to start freelancing, so I'm not really able to contribute to finances on a regular basis, though since August I've put all my earnings (about £1,500) into the JA. DS is 14 months and goes to nursery Wednesdays and Thursdays. I don't get much opportunity to do any freelance work apart from those days.

We're already struggling with finances and next month is going to be even worse as DH will be 7 days poorer. Plus there's the issue of him being in his probation, a time when he's meant to pull out all the stops and convince his employer he's worth keeping - something he's struggled with in the past.

Here's the AIBU: should I expect DH to make the effort to go into work with a chest infection? He's well enough to laugh at Facebook, nip to the shops to buy beer and sweeties, play Xbox, chuck DS up in the air, etc. He has a desk job, he drives to work.

I'm sure he's feeling rotten, but I had a chest infection and sinus infection at the same time back in August and I still had to muddle through looking after a baby all day (and night) long!

There are deeper relationship issues at play here but I guess I'm looking for some advice.

AIBU to hope DH would muddle through with a chest infection so that a) he won't lose his job and b) we aren't as up shit creek financially next month? :S

Thing is, if he hadn't taken the piss with his previous sick days, there would be no problem taking a day this week. Crying wolf, etc.

I came home to say you were BU because having a chest infection is horrible, but he's absolutely taking the piss.

Have you seen his antibiotics?

I had a chest infection last month - couldn't even get up the stairs because I was so breathless. No way I could have walked to the shop and got beer.

Yes, he has amoxicillin, I've seen them. He only went to the doctor tomorrow morning so he's only taken a few pills so far, not enough to have an effect yet.

The sweets were for him, the beer was for me (I get the feeling he knows I'm unhappy so is trying to keep me sweet). I had beer, he had a couple of JDs that we already had in stock.

It's definitely not a physically demanding job. He barely racks up 2,000 steps a day.

Sirzy, the straw that broke the camel's back sounds about right to be honest. This isn't the only issue in our marriage.

ThatStewie, I don't know if the counselling was sufficient. He seemed to really embrace it at the time, but I imagine it's easy for him to slip back into his old ways, since lying was default to him for so long.

I asked him just now - briefly - if he'll be going into work tomorrow, since he was just crawling around the front room tidying up toys (which he rarely does!). He said he doubts it, since he feels so terrible but is powering through because "I hate the look you give me when I'm sitting down doing nothing". I told him I wouldn't resent him going up to bed to sleep it all off, which is what the doctor recommended, but he said he would rather stay downstairs on the sofa so he can watch tv/surf the net on his laptop. So downstairs he is.

Oh, and he just asked me what we're having for dinner, since he took a steak out of the freezer for him (I'm vegetarian) and wasn't sure if he should have it for dinner tonight or lunch tomorrow - so he has already made up his mind that he won't be going in tomorrow, even though he told his boss he'd play it by ear each day.

Is there anyone in HR who knows what the sickness score thingy is? I remember it from my last job, it's something like the Brandon score and it multiplies each time you're off sick. I wonder if he's already broken the limit by having three separate occasions in 4 months? Should he start looking for a new job? I'm worried he won't pass his probation.

I forgot to say earlier, but on Sunday he was well enough to perform at an open mic in town! He plays guitar and sings so that was very strenuous - far more strenuous than his actual job!

I fear we've reached the end of the road. This is not going to be pretty, is it? :(

Whoever is well enough to nip to the shop to buy beer and play on the xbox is well enough to go into work.

I can hardly believe that someone on probation took a day off for a cold, he's taking the piss big time! Does he really want to succeed at this job? Because it doesn't seem like that at all.

Sorry, I meant yesterday morning he went to the doctors, obviously!

pasturesgreen, I know what you mean. You'd think he'd be 100% dedicated to the job to make sure he passes probation, especially with his track record. It's strange, because he hated being unemployed last time (he liked the actual practicalities of it - playing Xbox all day etc - but hated not being able to provide for us).

I asked him to look after DS so I can try to get some extra work in this week but he's too poorly to do that too. At least DS is at nursery tomorrow so I can try to get some work done. I hate this, I have a big knot of stress in my stomach :(

It does sound that way. It is hard to end a relationship even o e that isn't working because of one partners selfish behaviour.

You will be much happier and far less stressed without him in your life. You will get working tax credits and the childcare supplement if you work 16 hours a week. You will also physically have more time to work when he isn't under your feet whining: admin when your toddler is playing about here and there, during naptime and at night when baby's sleeping. At 2 1/2, your baby will be old enough for free nursery hours which will help immensely. And you will have so much more free time as you won't be cleaning up after a man-child or worrying about how to pay the bills.

DH's old work had that scoring thing: total days off multiplied by total occasions off.

So he'd be on (1+1+2)x3=12. Taking a whole week off once scores 1x5=5. Lower score even though more time off.

It's used to identify those who have frequent hangovers and duvet days, I think!

Speaking of which ...

I told him I wouldn't resent him going up to bed to sleep it all off, which is what the doctor recommended, but he said he would rather stay downstairs on the sofa so he can watch tv/surf the net on his laptop. So downstairs he is.

Lazy wanker.

If he's well enough to go to a shop he should be at work!

OP I think from what you have described you are aware that it is entirely possible for your DP to go to work tomorrow, but he has chosen not to.

I could add to the list above the times I have dragged myself into work When Ill and come home and straight to bed, but that's of no relevance. I don't even work because I have to now I do it because I want to but still go in when not 100%

Only you can decide if it is worth staying with a DP that doesn't respect or care for you

I'm currently trying desperately to get back to work full-time following a diagnosis of Addison's Disease and feeling like a complete twat when I have to call time on a day because I'm concerned I'l reach a point where I won't be safe to drive home. The main reason I feel bad about it is I don't want people thinking I'm like your H.

My overwhelming fear, however, is I don't want to set a bad example to my children by being a non-working mother with the excuse of being 'professionally ill'. Why your H thinks that sloth is an acceptable example to set a child is anyone's guess.

He sounds a lazy ass

That said, I had a chest infection that started three months ago and I am still back and forward to the doctor for tests as the symptoms are still there. I was signed off for a week but still had to go to the shops (although for food and medicine, not beer and sweets) so he may not be faking. Unfortunately with his sick record it's tough shit

Ultimatum time!

He stops being a lazy wanker both work wise AND at home or he's out!

No more time off sick unless signed off more than 5 days by a dr (ie genuinely seriously ill), gets off his backside at home and does a fair share of housework and childcare. You'll know better what you want him to do.

Also is he a smoker?

If he's spending his day surfing the net, ask him to look up the Brandon score for sickness and the guidelines for probation online! It might be a wake-up call for him.

Did you mean the Bradford Factor?

Yes I probably did mean that .

I remember obscure shit like that but forget my own name

The sick day thing is called the Bradford Factor.

He sounds like a total piss-taker. I just can't respect people like that.

I had a chest infection... Well I thought I did, from December right through till March... I had pneumonia and I left it so long I got pleurisy.

I couldn't move, I had to force myself to move to look after my 3 year old and eventually got so bad I had to get my sister come and take care of her as I was breathless and in so much pain trying to breathe.
If your DH isn't at this point, and he isn't breathless, or in severe pain trying to breathe, then yes I think he is well enough to go to work, he has antibiotics, that should clear anything up within a few days. :)

ElphabaTheGreen, I hope you manage to get back to work. Sounds like you're having a tough time

Graphista yes he is a smoker. Used to smoke 20 a day when we first met, but now only really smokes while at work or out at the pub (maybe 3-5 a day then).

I'm not sure what the next steps should be. I'm scared to call time because he's entitled to half of everything - he didn't contribute anything to the deposit on the house, I 'cashed in' a trust fund from my grandparents to put down the deposit (£80k+) and my dad put in an extra £40k on top of that. But if we split, he'll get half, won't he? I've really screwed up. My dad said he wanted DH to sign some kind of contract before buying our house just in case this happened, but he never did. Fuckity fuck.

Potatoooooo, you poor thing! That sounds horrific.

What would happen if you just told him he was being pathetic, clearly able to work, & you were losing all respect for such a whingeing sponger?

He played guitar and sang at an event on Sunday? But he's off work because his chest infection leaves him too breathless to speak on the phone?

If I was his boss I'd be pretty pissed off about that. If you are too breathless to speak on the phone Thursday, Friday and Monday then you aren't fit enough to sing on Sunday imo.

PenguindreamsofDraco I'm not sure I'd be able to say that to him, even though it's what I'm thinking!

No one else can really know how poorly you're feeling though, you know? This could be the most ill he's ever felt but he's trying to put on a brave face, and I'm misinterpreting that as him being fit for work, iyswim?