Should DH muddle through with a chest infection?

[coffeecuppa]

My DH has form for being lazy and used to be a compulsive liar (had counselling in September so I have to assume all things are ok in that respect now). I've posted about him on here before, under a different username. Decided to NC for good as the previous one was easy to work out.

Anyway. He started a new job in July and has 6 months' probation. During probation he doesn't get sick pay. He had a couple of sick days over the past few months, one for a cold and one for a bad back, and he claims he didn't know he didn't get sick pay.

He's now been off since Thursday, and will probably be off the rest of the week. He was diagnosed yesterday with a chest infection and has antibiotics. Has a pretty gross cough.

For reference, he has failed probation two previous times - once directly because of taking time off sick when he hurt his back - resulting in us having next to no income for months at a time. I'm a SAHM trying to start freelancing, so I'm not really able to contribute to finances on a regular basis, though since August I've put all my earnings (about £1,500) into the JA. DS is 14 months and goes to nursery Wednesdays and Thursdays. I don't get much opportunity to do any freelance work apart from those days.

We're already struggling with finances and next month is going to be even worse as DH will be 7 days poorer. Plus there's the issue of him being in his probation, a time when he's meant to pull out all the stops and convince his employer he's worth keeping - something he's struggled with in the past.

Here's the AIBU: should I expect DH to make the effort to go into work with a chest infection? He's well enough to laugh at Facebook, nip to the shops to buy beer and sweeties, play Xbox, chuck DS up in the air, etc. He has a desk job, he drives to work.

I'm sure he's feeling rotten, but I had a chest infection and sinus infection at the same time back in August and I still had to muddle through looking after a baby all day (and night) long!

There are deeper relationship issues at play here but I guess I'm looking for some advice.

AIBU to hope DH would muddle through with a chest infection so that a) he won't lose his job and b) we aren't as up shit creek financially next month? :S

I did it - I told him I'm not happy, I think it's over and I suggested he go to his mum's house.

He was devastated, he cried, said it's crazy to throw away a marriage because of a lack of diy.

He said how he knows he's put on weight but it's because of comfort eating because he gets no affection from me, and he can tell I'm not attracted to him anymore but if the tables were turned he'd be a massive cunt if he found me unattractive for putting on weight.

He says he left his friends to move closer to my parents. Said he's lonely (so am I).

Said DS and I are his entire world. He has no friends.

It was bad. I feel terrible for hurting him.

In the end he said he won't go to his mum's house but will look for somewhere to stay. Meanwhile DS and I will stay at my parents' house for a night or two.

I had a little cry on the way to my parents' house and managed to hit a stationary car and rip my wing mirror off. Silly cow.

He gets no affection from you because he's deeply unattractive. We all know that because he's lazy and whingey - his actual looks are irrelevant.

And it's still all about him, isn't it? Wanker.

Fuck the mirror: you're human; it'll fix. Deep breath, big .

Thank you MrsHathaway.

I've done the hardest bit I suppose. Now I have to deal with the fall-out.

Counting down to wine o'clock...

What mrshathaway said. His reaction was all about him. Where was his alarm or distress about how he's made you feel? Did he seem contrite and apologetic?

And by saying you are throwing a marriage away because of DIY is minimising and/or deliberately misunderstanding you.

Well done for being strong so far.

His reaction was greatly about himself. Didn't make any mention of how I must be feeling, having to do the majority of the cleaning etc for the past few years.

I mentioned about how I had to paint DS's nursery (inc. climbing a ladder) when I was 8 months pregnant because H was too tired/lazy to do it himself - he argued that painting was not something he usually does so he found it tiring. Never mind I was heavily pregnant at the time!!?

He argued that he hasn't changed, he's stayed the same, but my 'expectations' of him have changed, thus leading me to feel this way (i.e. it's my fault for not noticing how useless he was earlier and, what, not marrying him?).

He also said he doesn't do diy because he's worried he'll do it wrong. No mention of perhaps learning how to do it, watching videos, reading books..! Said he was going to wait until things 'really' needed doing before doing them.

Also suggested a plan of action of my dad going round once a fortnight to help him with the diy - never mind the fact that my dad has offered numerous times over the past year to help out but H has always declined!

I muddled through at 36 weeks pregnant with a chest infection. Antibiotics and steroids.

I think he needs to get on with it.

I suspect he hasn't changed at all - once a lazy arse always a lazy arse.

And of course your expectations have changed - YOU HAVE A CHILD. Everything changes and you have to change with it. If he can't see that, and doesn't see the pressing need to change, then your life will be far easier without him.

He also said he doesn't do diy because he's worried he'll do it wrong. No mention of perhaps learning how to do it, watching videos, reading books..! Said he was going to wait until things 'really' needed doing before doing them.

This is such a bizarre argument . He thinks he's rubbish at it, so he's going to wait until it's more difficult before he does it?

What is coming over loud and clear is he didn't do these things, DIY, taking care of his appearance, WORK(!) because he can't be bothered with the effort. He'd rather you did it. Regardless of how difficult or stressful it is for you, he puts himself first.

Don't worry about the wing mirror; it's easily fixed and nobody was hurt.

Thank you for your support, everyone. It really, really helps to have other perspectives on this.

I managed to get the wing mirror fixed for £25, it was salvageable, just needed a new light. Phew. Could have been £250+ which is not what I need right now!

I have such a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm supposed to go to my first business network meeting tomorrow morning at 6.30am, I'm not sure I have the strength, plus I doubt H will be willing to drop DS off at nursery at 7.30am for me :(

Do try and make yourself go to your meeting coffee, it might be a good distraction for a few hours.

Could your parents help with the nursery drop-off if H won't?

If he won't, he's really telling you how hard he's prepared to work at your marriage, huh?

If he will, it doesn't mean he's worth your while. It just suggests he's a less-than-100% lazy wanker.

I was going to say that it was unfair as a chest infection can affect others differently. Some can go to work, they take it out of me and it's frequently floored my normally huge dh, however reading the rest of your posts it's not just this.
Sounds like you've done the right thing.
'Your expectations have changed' yes maybe they have, but you're hardly expecting the world!
Even when you've told him what was wrong he still didn't really get the issue did he?
Hope you feel better later op.

Of course expectations change! He's supposed to grow the fuck up and be a father for starters?!

Spoilt by his parents? Even if he were I'd imagine if you told them why you were dumping his lazy arse they'd be mortified! At least most people would.

If he's deliberately misunderstanding make it VERY clear why

'YOU'RE LAZY!'

I used to get recurring chest infections. AB's never quite cleared them. I was always going to taking a nap.. In short it looked like I was a lazy fucker...

Changed GP who listened to my breathing... Off to hospital with you my lad for an X-ray. Two hours after the X-ray the hospital phoned me... "Come in for an emergency appointment in a week please"... A month later and I was doagnosed with stqge 4 Sarcoidosis.... Stage 5 is terminal..

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent, how scary that must have been for you. I hope you're feeling okay.

Graphista he said that as he grew up in council houses, he never had to do any DIY, nor did he witness anything being done by his mum (dad out of the picture). But I don't know if that argument really works - surely you'd still realise that things needed doing, wouldn't you? Especially if your DW was asking if you could fix a shelf or reseal the bath so it doesn't leak? He claims he doesn't 'see' what needs to be fixed, and 'forgets' to do things, but that's just more laziness isn't it?

Itsnoteasy sorry you went through that. But I think it highly unlikely that's what's going on with ops husband.

Op bull! My family all lived (some still do) in council houses. You're expected to maintain the property yourself regarding minor repairs and certainly my lot are practically obsessed with diy! Especially decorating! My grandparents always seemed to have at least one room 'being done up' that was out of bounds to the very wee ones. One aunt ended up doing it as a business she became so good (now retired great eye for colour and planning and fab bargain hunter for nik naks).

That also DOESN'T explain his lack of effort holding down a job or doing housework - I beg he doesn't even manage the household admin?

My parents had a VERY traditional marriage, dad manual job mum mostly at home, occasional part time work if they were saving for something in particular. He STILL did all the diy, gardening, 'heavy' housework jobs (bins, carpet shampooing), car maintenance and household admin!

Mum did the majority of housework, cleaning, childcare, cooking.

He's. Just. Lazy!

Oh

I hope it gets easier - his reaction was all about him him him and about how you have made this problems :-( Not conducive to salvaging the relationship.

Have you asked him why he doesn't ever want to put in enough effort to keep hold of a job?

Wow, well done OP. Difficult conversation and situation.

I think you really should try go to the event tomorrow. Just leave in the morning, he is a parent although doesn't seem to act like it. If he won't do the drop off to nursery, he'll just have to look after DS all day, won't he?

His whole attitude seems to be about himself. Yes, your expectations may have changed; thats called life. You choose to get married, buy a house, have a child - I assume he willingly chose to do those things? Well then, he needs to accept that they come with responsibility!

I would also caution you from leaving the house tonight. Don't give him any opportunity to stay in it without you - he may get difficult and kick you out!

Good luck.

I wouldn't leave him in the house either. He may think you are the one moving out and take over, refusing to move. Make him be the one to leave.

Make him move out. Why should you and your child be inconvenienced?

This is a man who would see his child out of a familiar environment because he's too sodding lazy to move out. That says a lot.

I can't make him leave (not tonight, I mean). He has nowhere to go, whereas I have my parents' house - they have a cot for DS and a spare room for me.

He came at 6.30pm to say good night to DS and put him to bed. He left in tears :( This is tough.

Do not be fooled by a few tears!!
If you turned round and said 'oh ok, forget I said anything' would anything change.
The tears aren't cos he's seen the light, there're cos he knows you've seen the light and he's trying to get you to let him stay without having to change his ways.

Might seem blunt but I really think you'd be a fool to fall for it having been so aware that he's behaving so inappropriately!!

Stay strong and, while tough now, things will get better for you. Give in and nothing will change x

I'm with youthecat where does his mum live? Has he seriously nobody will stick him on a sofa?

What did he say about the work thing? All seems to be about DIY?

My husband does loads but he doesn't do DIY. This didn't start to annoy me until we had our child. He's getting better.

Quite impressive he's managed to fail probation twice before. I thought people only failed probation in extreme circumstances it's not the norm.

He's going to stay with his sister for two weeks so won't see DS for that time (it's 3 hours away). His work have an office up there which he can work in from Monday.

I asked him at 7.30am this morning if he wanted to come downstairs and play with DS as he won't see him and you know what he said? "I need to get a couple more hours' sleep."

Fucker. He'd rather sleep than spend time with his son for the last time for 2 weeks!