Should DH muddle through with a chest infection?

[coffeecuppa]

My DH has form for being lazy and used to be a compulsive liar (had counselling in September so I have to assume all things are ok in that respect now). I've posted about him on here before, under a different username. Decided to NC for good as the previous one was easy to work out.

Anyway. He started a new job in July and has 6 months' probation. During probation he doesn't get sick pay. He had a couple of sick days over the past few months, one for a cold and one for a bad back, and he claims he didn't know he didn't get sick pay.

He's now been off since Thursday, and will probably be off the rest of the week. He was diagnosed yesterday with a chest infection and has antibiotics. Has a pretty gross cough.

For reference, he has failed probation two previous times - once directly because of taking time off sick when he hurt his back - resulting in us having next to no income for months at a time. I'm a SAHM trying to start freelancing, so I'm not really able to contribute to finances on a regular basis, though since August I've put all my earnings (about £1,500) into the JA. DS is 14 months and goes to nursery Wednesdays and Thursdays. I don't get much opportunity to do any freelance work apart from those days.

We're already struggling with finances and next month is going to be even worse as DH will be 7 days poorer. Plus there's the issue of him being in his probation, a time when he's meant to pull out all the stops and convince his employer he's worth keeping - something he's struggled with in the past.

Here's the AIBU: should I expect DH to make the effort to go into work with a chest infection? He's well enough to laugh at Facebook, nip to the shops to buy beer and sweeties, play Xbox, chuck DS up in the air, etc. He has a desk job, he drives to work.

I'm sure he's feeling rotten, but I had a chest infection and sinus infection at the same time back in August and I still had to muddle through looking after a baby all day (and night) long!

There are deeper relationship issues at play here but I guess I'm looking for some advice.

AIBU to hope DH would muddle through with a chest infection so that a) he won't lose his job and b) we aren't as up shit creek financially next month? :S

I think you're being soft. If he's well enough to run errands, play a gig, tidy up, eat a steak dinner, throw your son about, believe me, it's not a 'brave face', he can go to work.

you will very likely lose money - has the property appreciated in the mean time which may help soften the blow? You've understandably lost respect for the workshy loser, so stop wasting the rest of your life looking for help that isn't materializing, sounds like he's had a lot of chances to me.

We only bought it July 2015, OldBoots :( We've been married just over 2 years. I didn't realise what a lazy arse he was until we bought a house - with a rental it didn't matter that he never did any DIY as the landlord would sort it all out.

ILostIt I know I'm being soft. I just hate conflict.

He's asleep on the sofa now. I'm taking DS to see my mum, who definitely has a chest infection and has been stuck in bed for three days!!!

ah that sucks, sorry to hear that. On the other hand, putting up with him for more years isn't going to make the financial situation any better it just wastes more of your life - go see a lawyer and see if the fact that you've not had the property together very long and you put up all the money counts for anything.

OP I'm sorry you're in this shit situation, maybe see a solicitor for advice about splitting assets, whether it definitely would be 50:50, or whether you'd have a case for not.

Being with this dick sounds more stressful than not being with him

come to think of it, you may be able to get your dad's contribution back, even if you split the deposit you provided - seek professional advice pronto. You may have a better than 50/50 claim as he's currently in work and you're currently SAH.

Sorry but not doing diy is not the only indication, it would have been obvious he was lazy as soon as you lived with him surely?

Housework? Employment issues (sounds like they've been the case for a good while).

Not saying his laziness is your fault but you chose to stay with him, marry him, buy a house (and ignore what your dad wanted to do to protect the deposit which was sensible advice - your husband not daft in NOT signing), and have a child with him.

My ex is a lot of things, but none were obvious before I married and had a child with him and he certainly isn't lazy.

Check with a lawyer/independent financial advisor what your financial situation is.

Bear in mind even if it's bad - over time it will get worse especially in terms of appreciation of the value of the house!

When I had a really bad case of pneumonia I was actually well enough at first to go to uni etc. but when it hit me it floored me basically. I couldn't use the computer because it made me dizzy and was asleep all day. After a fuck tone of antibiotics I was active enough to return to work so he's taking the piss big time. And the main reason I didn't end up in hospital was because I lived 2 minutes away from it!

Antibiotics will kick in after a couple of days, although alcohol can negate their effect hmm.

Not strictly true

"Antibiotics are among the drugs that should not be mixed with alcohol. Alcohol does not make an antibiotic less effective at treating an infection, but alcohol may make the side effects of both alcohol and antibiotics worse."

www.healthline.com/health/antibiotics-alcohol#Overview1

He's taking the piss big time.
I hope you kept all the proof of money going into the house being yours, kick his ass to the curb he's dragging you down.

Thank you for your replies. I think I will go to see a solicitor tomorrow. I have proof of everything.

I should have realised he was like this, I know, but the laziness didn't matter as much before we had DS - we were both working FT and I had more than enough time to do the majority of the cleaning.

He's had it so good for the past 4 years - I bailed him out of debt when we first started dating (£2.8k), I paid all the deposits on our rentals (flat, 2 houses), I paid for our wedding, I paid for our car (which he uses to commute so I don't get to use) and I paid the deposit on our house.

Think it's time for

Oh god, after I'd gone to bed last night he sent me a huge email about how much he loves me, how I'm the best thing to ever happen to him, he'll love me forever etc.

Fuuuuck.

It's not enough for that to be true, though?

I don't think it is MrsHathaway. It would be easier if he didn't give a crap about me, but to know he loves me 'so much' yet still behaves like this is terrible.

In other news, he had 2 JDs and coke and a can of beer last night. But he's too poorly to go to work today.

Oh god, after I'd gone to bed last night he sent me a huge email about how much he loves me, how I'm the best thing to ever happen to him, he'll love me forever etc.

If he loves you and you son he will start acting like a grown up and do some fucking work! He only sent you that email because he can see his cushy life about to go 'poof'.

Well, you are the best thing that's ever happened to him. Look at what he gets from being with you! I'm not surprised he loves you, you sound great.

But is he the best thing that's ever happened to you?

Just because he says he loves you (and is pleased about the life you give/enable him) doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship as it is. Yes, of course he'd be upset if you either left him or gave him some ultimatums but, you know what, you're upset now and having a terrible time through no fault of your own. So, it's time for him to face up to things.

If I were you I'd be selling the X box today.
Then visit solicitors, or pop over to Legal.
Good luck, he sounds dreadful.

Good god op, I would have kicked his ass long ago.
...he loves me so much... yeh, of course he does because he's incapable of independent existence isn't he?

Bone idle and selfish to say the least, he doesn't give a toss for you and DC or he'd be pulling his weight.

Good luck at the solicitor

agree with plimsolls, i'm sure your 'D'H is beside himself of losing his mummy-figure fixer, but you don't love someone and leave everything up to them, that's not love. Talk is so, so cheap.

and I smile at the irony of me posting that talk is cheap on a chat site :) good luck op.

What you're all saying is so true. I hate the thought of hurting him, although he's been hurting me for years - not through any malicious acts, more through inaction.

I can tell he has no intentions of going to work until Monday, so I plan to send him to his mum's (1.5hrs away).

Just waiting for him to wake up now...

If someone would come along and clear my debts and pay for a big party for me and give me tens of thousands of pounds of equity for free, they'd be the best thing that ever happened to me too.

Go and see a very good solicitor.

Before this useless malingerer loses another job.

You are the primary carer, so he won't get half of the house.

I used to work with staff absence monitoring and the Bradford factor is actually Number of spells of absence squared multiplied by the total number of days - Therefore in this case (3 x 3) X 4 = 36. As others have said, it is designed to weight the result so that frequent, short absences are worse than fewer, longer absences. (In comparison, if you were off for 4 weeks for a moderately serious operation you would score (1 x 1) X 20 = 20 (Assuming you work 5 days a week)).
Of course, it is for each organisation to decide what is a reasonable Bradford Factor to score before any disciplinary action is taken and where the Bradford Factor is high due to a genuine disability or health condition, the employer must still make reasonable adjustments under the Equality Act 2010.

However, in this case I think that the OP has been more than patient with her OH and he does not seem prepared to contribute reliably to supporting his family.

Plimsolls puts it brilliantly:

^Well, you are the best thing that's ever happened to him. Look at what he gets from being with you! I'm not surprised he loves you, you sound great.

But is he the best thing that's ever happened to you?^

Good luck at the solicitors. Just hoping that he doesnt qualify for spousal maintenance so he has to pull his bloody finger out and get his lazy ass to work!

Wow!!

This is not on at all. You cannot spend your life worried that he won't have a job/income.

Give him an ultimatum - either he goes back to work or packs his bags. If didn't sound like his chest infection was bad in the first place so he should have had enough antiBs now to be feeling well enough to work - esp given he's well enough to be pottering around at home to his hearts' content.

The email is worrying - it says to me that he know he's taking the piss and is trying to manipulate you/guilt trip you.

In all honesty I think you know the end result isn't looking great - well, I think it's looking fabulous from your point of view but I can imagine you feel it's not looking great. You need to leave.

Definitely visit a solicitor and sort out a way of managing your input into the house. With documentation to prove it was your money you should be able to sort it.