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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to buy my disabled daughter branded clothes?

159 replies

PennieB · 14/11/2016 21:16

My daughter is in a wheelchair, she is mentally disabled. She obviously has no idea about brands, so no peer pressure, etc.

However, I'm not being unreasonable to put her in them am I? MIL seems to think it's because I want to 'jazz her up a bit' Hmm would you think along those lines if you saw my DD in branded clothes?

OP posts:
N0tfinished · 15/11/2016 00:25

Some posters mention children with SEN who have poorly cut hair and odd clothing. You could be describing my DS2... he has ASD and an ID. He cannot tolerate a proper haircut, screams and thrashes too much for it to be safe. So I cut it myself with a trimmer. It's the best I can do in the circumstances.

I try my best to dress him well, but he won't wear anything but sweatpants, t-shirts and sweatshirts. I do load after load of laundry every day as he spills or has accidents... sometimes things don't match so well.

Try to be a little more understanding. It's not at all easy and feeling judgemental stares makes it less so.

As for OP, YANBU! You do what you like and enjoy your lovely DD xx. I'd dress my boy up if I could too!!

sykadelic · 15/11/2016 03:45

I do understand what she's saying, in that your DD doesn't know the difference, but YOU know the difference. You choose not to treat her separately to your other children (I believe you said you had more) and have her dress in a way you think she would if she were able to dress herself. It's quite lovely really :)

Ohdearducks · 15/11/2016 03:51

'jazz her up a bit' That's fucking horrible, she's a person not an accessory! What the fuck is wrong with your MIL? It sounds as if she doesn't think her DG is worth the expense just because she has disabilities! That's bloody horrible Angry

1Potato2 · 15/11/2016 06:19

As others have said, if you can afford it and she is comfortable, go for it. Just make sure the quality matches the price. It doesn't always!

elodie2000 · 15/11/2016 06:23

Buy her good quality, comfortable, lovely, flattering clothes. Clothes you think she's like the feel / colour of. Don't buy brands just for the sake of it.

LetsAllEatCakes · 15/11/2016 07:02

Why shouldn't your dd wear nice clothes?

My friends put their babies in nice and sometimes designer clothes, they have no clue what they are wearing.

We also brought my relative a new dress for her birthday, she has very bad dementia.

My friend is bed bound after an op, she likes her dh to dress her for visitors.

By your Mil definition none over them should bother.

mysistersimone · 15/11/2016 09:27

Disability aside, any mum should dress her child in what they like/the child likes if its affordable. Your MIL's comment could be applied as a dig to any mother really and it would be as obnoxious.

StatisticallyChallenged · 15/11/2016 09:36

Unfortunately there are people who think that wheelchair users should just give up and aren't worth nice clothes. I'd tell your mil to feck off tbh.

Last year I broke my knee and elbow so for a while I had to use a wheelchair outside-I could only manage to get around the house on a zimmer. One day I was going to the hospital then out with my friend for lunch so I was nicely dressed - 50s dress, decent hair and makeup etc. 50s dress was actually really practical as i had a massive leg brace on. The nurse helping me in the x-ray room looked me up and down and came out with "you're awfully glamorous to be in a wheelchair"

I wish I'd had a good witty retort but I just gaped like a goldfish

minisoksmakehardwork · 15/11/2016 09:42

Yanbu at all. I have an adult severely disabled relative. She loves having her hair done and things like that. We were horrified on visiting her one day to see she had essentially had her nicely permed hair cut into a very short cut with no fixed style and was wearing mismatched clothes. Had she been aware enough and looked in a mirror she would be horrified. We went through her wardrobe and matched all her clothes up and spoke to the home about the haircut. It has taken a while and for the involvement of a specific carer. But finally my relative has a still short but more flattering hair cut and wears clothes which always coordinate.

Severely disabled people have enough sticks beating them in life. If you can give them something which is removed from the disability then go for it. She is still a young woman first and foremost.

Owllady · 15/11/2016 09:45

Handicap is seen as offensive in commonwealth English as it is historic in context with begging 'cap in hand'.

Owllady · 15/11/2016 09:48

Minisok, I've had a situation this week where the respite home put my daughter in a pyjama top for day time and it really irritated me :o I have spoken to them about it though, so all should be well!

ofudginghell · 15/11/2016 09:52

I have a disabled niece who also can't dress herself or decide what to wear.
For some reason my dsis and mother think joggers leggings and hideously massive jumpers are alright to put on her.
I always buy her nice clothes for Christmas and birthdays that are still easily assessible.
Just because they are disabled doesn't mean they have to be dressed terribly and scruffily.
It gets my goat when you see carets dressed well and the disabled person looking like a screwed up bag.
There's no need for it.

merrygoround51 · 15/11/2016 09:55

I went to school with a girl who was mentally and physically disabled. Her mother and sisters were quite glamorous and she was always impeccably dressed in the latest gear and I thought that was exactly as it should be.

There is nothing wrong with taking pride in your children looking well and if branded clothes are your thing (I presume you mean GAP, Nike etc over Asda ) then go for it.

Namechangeemergency · 15/11/2016 16:22

ofudge you would know the situation best but might it be that your Dsis struggles to dress your DN in anything too complicated?

I am very firm in what I will and won't have my DS dress in but he is physically able and although he has some skin issues he is not fragile and prone to sores in the way that some people are.

I worked in a long stay hospital when I was a teenager and a lot of my issues around clothing for my DS come from that experience. The residents looked awful. They didn't have their own clothes and their hair was chopped. They wore cast off old people clothes. Even the kids.

That was due to lack of care and compassion.

I wouldn't judge a parent though. Not unless I knew the whole story. Plenty of times my DS has worn shoes that are literally falling off his feet because he won't take them off.

Mammylamb · 15/11/2016 16:25

Yanbu.

ZackyVengeance · 15/11/2016 16:27

Owllady that reminded me when the respite place, dressed my dd in a school jumper at the weekend
I was furious, they didn't do it again

Owllady · 15/11/2016 16:45

Wtf Zacky! I know they've done it before with my friends son and said, but it's what he wanted to wear but neither of our children (both young adults now) have issues where they would need to wear nightclothes in the day and they can still have choice of day time tops! I think it's really confusing to put a child in school clothes of a weekend anyway (even if they don't have any additional needs tbh)

ZackyVengeance · 15/11/2016 16:46

once she hit secondary she refused to wear school uniform full stop....thank goodness the head didn't mind.

MrsBobDylan · 15/11/2016 16:57

It's very important to me my ds looks as cared for as possible and on a more shallow level, he's got a very beautiful face and I like to see him in colours that let his natural good looks shine. He couldn't care less however and is still in summer sandals and no coat as he hates changing his clothes according to the season.

At ds sn school there are brothers who are dressed in Ralph Lauren. They are also beautiful looking and their parents can afford it. It's exactly the same as in the general population with NT kids-some like to dress them up, others just go for practicality. Doesn't matter to me what other people choose either way.

Owllady · 15/11/2016 16:59

Was it a special school? They tend to be less strict ime :)

crrrzy · 15/11/2016 17:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2016 17:28

I dress dd in baggy jumpers hoodies and leggings or skinny jeans. She is9, and they are quite fashionable with the youngsters now. There are lovely jumpers about. She has ugh boots or timberlands to complete the look. For smart she has lovely Ted Baker and Ralph Lauren dresses. I get them secondhand from e bay, as I can never afford the prices. New clothes are usually Next or H&M.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2016 17:35

My friends ds who is also Autistic with sensory issues, only 9 lives in scruffy jogging pants that are way too small and polishing as that is all he will tolerate. He does not want the brand new joggers she has bought him, and really likes his old ones.

EveOnline2016 · 15/11/2016 17:36

I find branded clothes are made better and stand up to the washing a lot better

minipie · 15/11/2016 17:37

As pp have said, some parents buy expensive, branded clothes for their babies and toddlers (who obviously don't care about brands). They do it to please themselves and that is absolutely fine by me. As long as the child is comfortable then why not?

Same applies to you!