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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to buy my disabled daughter branded clothes?

159 replies

PennieB · 14/11/2016 21:16

My daughter is in a wheelchair, she is mentally disabled. She obviously has no idea about brands, so no peer pressure, etc.

However, I'm not being unreasonable to put her in them am I? MIL seems to think it's because I want to 'jazz her up a bit' Hmm would you think along those lines if you saw my DD in branded clothes?

OP posts:
girlwithamoonandstaronherhead · 14/11/2016 22:04

I don't like branded clothing, but if I had a child with a disability I would want to treat her exactly the same as a child without a disability, as far as possible. And that sounds like what you are trying to do.

drspouse · 14/11/2016 22:05

Pikachew I think you could get a soft shell half zip made. I'm on lots of fabric buying groups and there's been some soft shell fabric sold recently and I know a lot of the buyers have home sewing businesses. I could ask for you if you PM me.

Original poster
PennieB · 14/11/2016 22:05

I usually get River Island and then nikes or timberlands or converse, etc. for shoes. River Island does some lovely stuff

OP posts:
Itsallgoodimtold · 14/11/2016 22:08

Pennie, go ahead and dress your beautiful daughter in the best you can afford. Most people enjoy choosing and buying clothes for their little ones as they want them to be clean, comfortable and looking good. Why on earth your Mil would want to take this pleasure away from you is beyond me and not very nice. She has perhaps spoken without thinking and maybe feels money could be saved, but if you can afford it, it's important to spend some money on things that make you feel good.

iseenodust · 14/11/2016 22:10

Your Mil is unkind. Ignore her. A young lady deserves so much more than beige.

TheClacksAreDown · 14/11/2016 22:11

I bet if you kept your DD in pyjamas all the time including for parties when you were dressed up, MIL would take that as showing how little you cared about DD and only wanted what was easiest for you. In other words whatever you do you'll be wrong in her eyes.

Bogeyface · 14/11/2016 22:12

Sounds like if anyone has issues with your DD's disabilities then its MIL. Why should she not look nice on special occassions? Thats disgusting of your MIL and I would be having words of the loud sweary sort. Angry

Manumission · 14/11/2016 22:15

MIL doesn't get why I don't just keep her in pyjamas, as it would be 'easier'

Your MIL sounds silly or unpleasant or both.

PickAChew · 14/11/2016 22:16

The borg lined stuff or just the thin stuff, drspouse?

We've been lucky it's not been that cold for many days, so far, but if the soothsayers are to be believed, we've got snowmaggedon winter ahead.

The last one, about 3 years ago, he wouldn't wear anything over his school uniform, so that had long sleeve thermal vest under it. he would agree to rainproof trousers back then, so at least his legs were warm and dry. After putting him in one of my scarves for a few days, I got him a big knitted bord lined snood, which got wrapped around his neck lots of times - and which he insisted on tucking into his school sweatshirts - bought outsized to keep his hands warm.

And of course, some stupid woman stopped to tell me that it as cold and he needed a coat Hmm (we were up to our calves in week old snow, at the time!)

Sadly, Pennie the boys' stuff at River Island is awful. I think DS2 is more likely to end up wearing Superdry, but DS1 despises the logos!

YelloDraw · 14/11/2016 22:18

I would buy clothes that you think she would like, that she looks nice in, that you think other people will think she looks nice in.

Why shouldn't your daughter wear nice clothes?

lougle · 14/11/2016 22:20

ItCouldBeWorse it's too early for festive decoration of people, kaye walkers or wheelchairs . DD1's special school have the Christmas Fayre in November and it kills me every year because from that point on DD1 incessantly asks how long it is until Christmas.

If I had my way, I'd announce Christmas 4 days before it happened Grin

Ohyesiam · 14/11/2016 22:23

You sound like a lovely mum. Just try and tune out the mil,c she sounds like a pain.

SpunkyMummy · 14/11/2016 22:25

It's your money, you get to spend it however you want. (Well, there are obviously certain boundaries, but generally speaking)

And seriously, 'keeping her in pyjamas' for a party? Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but isn't there something about human dignity? Idk, but this comment makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

LaContessaDiPlump · 14/11/2016 22:26

Sorry op, but I think your MIL is saying that she doesn't consider your DD to need such social niceties as dressing her age/like her peers etc, for whatever reason. I suspect it is because of your DD's condition.

What a shitty way to behave Angry I dress everyone in the family similarly - we all have supermarket clothes and the odd nice thing. Preventing one member of the family from dressing as the others 'because it's less bother' is Not Acceptable.

SpunkyMummy · 14/11/2016 22:30

You sound really lovely, OP.

You're MIL sounds really... disrespectful and rude.

'Keeping her in pyjamas' because it's easier... well, I'm sure it would be easier to simply 'keep' incontinent elders in diapers and a night shirt all day, but we still don't do it, right? Especially not for a party?

Maybe a stupid analogy but your MIL sounds quite awful.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/11/2016 22:33

Justaweeone. Yes I agree. I remember regularly seeing a girl with learning disabilities who was 28 (overheard her mum telling someone) dressed the same as her mum who must have been in her late 60's. I always felt very sad that she could have been a pretty young woman instead of being dressed as an old lady.

Excited101 · 14/11/2016 22:34

I once cared for a very disabled child in a wheelchair. Her DM dressed her heard to toe in designer clothes- D&G etc. She said that the other children had money spent on them on toys and gadgets, activities etc in a way that she didn't. So she spent a large amount of money on her clothes.

I think dressing any person that needs to be dressed in pleasant, comfortable, well fitting and nice looking clothes is part of a basic level of care personally. Designer isn't obviously necessarily but they should be good, decent, lovely clothes.

ohdearme1958 · 14/11/2016 22:38

I have a son who's severely disabled. He has no idea whatsoever about clothes apart from knowing what they are - pants, socks, shorts etc. I buy him todays equivalent of what his brothers would have bought at the same age. But he also has a BIL just 3 years older than him so I watch what he's wearing and I buy along the same lines. And I always make sure he has really nice aftershave etc to wear. He also has regular manicure and pedicures, plus a weekly home based massage because his body takes such a beating due to his conditions.

My son goes to the same gym as his sister and her husband but he goes when it's closed to the general public, but even so his sister likes to be in charge of his gym stuff. It's just one of the many wee things they do for him. His other siblings all have something they do for him that is just there's to do.

Its nothing to do with jazzing him up. It's just what he would have under his own steam if circumstances were different.

HateSummer · 14/11/2016 22:39

Your MIL sounds like a nasty witch tbh. The "you want to jazz her up" comment is horrendous. It's like saying she isn't up to scratch and you're trying to make up for it with branded clothes. What a horrible nasty woman.

I have 3 children and of course I want to dress them up nicely sometimes. I buy clothes from everywhere and I do sometimes buy designer. Don't know why your mil thinks you shouldn't do the same. Stupid cow.

amazingamy09 · 14/11/2016 22:41

You sound like such a lovely mum, and I would completely ignore your MIL

Twofurrycats · 14/11/2016 22:42

There was an excellent phrase (which I am waiting to useGrin) on a thread about laughing during funerals earlier: have sex and travel, in other words fuck off. Ideal for your mil

ohdearme1958 · 14/11/2016 22:48

On the other hand some of our loved ones have difficulties sensory wise etc that mean comfort is the first order of the day. Others for example may grow accustomed to certain items of clothing and want to wear them even when they're falling apart.

What's right is what's right in an individual basis.

metaphoricus · 14/11/2016 23:19

I feel sad when I see disabled children with poorly cut hair
In the nicest possible way, this made me hoot. My grown up dd has
LD and objects strongly to having a hair cut and will go to extreme lengths to avoid the scissors. This results in the hairdresser having to give her a 'sneaky' haircut. i.e. Waiting until she is engrossed in the TV and having a few snips before she notices. This can take some hours to
complete. Once it had to be done over a couple of days. So if you caught her mid haircut she would deffo look like she had poorly cut hair.I think most of the time bad haircuts are due to lack of co-operation.

And to the OP, yes, I absolutely do buy her fashionable clothes to wear even though she has no concept of fashion. (But never Dresses, because she pulls them up over her head.) But obviously nothing revealing.
Yes I buy good quality labels
My adult 'normal' daughter might choose to go out in an unironed t-shirt, and jeans with torn hems and mismatched socks. If I dressed my LD daughter in the same clothes, she would look like nobody cared.
OP, I can't imagine anybody thinking you were 'trying to jazz her up a bit'
What a very odd thing to say!

Mentally handicapped is not a pleasant description pp
It's a phrase I use also, and I personally don't find it offensive.
It was the acceptable term when I was growing up (in much the same way as spastic was until it was hijacked and used as an insult).
It was, in fact my daughter's initial diagnosis. So as hard as I try to keep up with the current 'labels' (special needs was also hijacked as an insult)
it might sometimes slip out. Old habits die hard. I mean no offence by it, obviously, as it is a diagnosis on my dd's medical record. And I'd bet the pp had a similar slip.

ohdearme1958 · 14/11/2016 23:31

'Mentally handicapped' explains a situation very clearly. It's not one I take offence to.

FameNameGameLame · 15/11/2016 00:02

Of course YANBU. She is your child and you take care of her well and dress her to your standards.