To be furious the teacher told my ten year old she stinks?

[madsymads]

Family meal yesterday at an Indian restaurant. Might have been a bit heavy on garlic and spices.

DD was quiet when I picked her up today (she had been to after school club) and then suddenly started crying. I of course asked what was wrong and she said that this morning she had gone up to her teachers desk to ask something and the teacher (DD demonstrated) pulled a face and said 'ew, go and sit down, get away from me. What have you eaten? It smells awful.'

Obviously this led to quite a lot of unkind comments all day.

Completely inappropriate. Or AIBU?

Not at all different from the OP.

The child was ganged up on and bullied by her classmates and that behaviour was instigated by the teacher.

Shocking thing to happen to a 10 year old.

I know English schools have a woeful international reputation, but if this kind of thing is no big deal, then it's easy to see why.

I really can't see where the claims that this is bullying are coming from.

If the teacher said exactly the words reported, this she was unwise and inappropriate in her comments. If she said a toned down version (which is fairly likely) it was still not okay and rude. However, there is nothing at all to suggest that this was anything more than a one-off, thoughtless off the cuff remark, rather than a thought out and planned unpleasant attack on the girl. Yes, it was still the wrong thing to say, but can't people see that a one-off stupid comment, even if hurtful isn't actually bullying.

I agree with an earlier poster who says that the most concerning thing about this thread is how quickly people judge an unknown teacher about an unknown incident, which we are hearing about at least 2nd hand. The responses are just so Daily Mail, calling for extreme action against the teacher. People seem so fast to become furious, without having enough info to be furious.

If this were my child, I would be acknowledging their hurt feelings, agreeing that the teacher was rude and insensitive, but also mentioning it was probably just a thoughtless comment that sometimes people, even teachers make. Not okay, but something to move on from.
If I wondered if something serious has transpired (and I don't in this case) then I would be sending a polite enquiring email stating that DD had come home a bit upset and hoping to get to the bottom of it. Note, no fury.....not even personally at home...because I wait for enough information to judge if fury is warranted.

Morning madsymads what the teacher said to your daughter was extremely inappropriate, I haven't read the whole thread but I do hope your daughter is ok now.

If I were you I would take it to the school governors, she should not be teaching children if she is going to make those kind of remarks.

The most concerning thing is that people think it is OK for a teacher to call children smelly in earshot.

I guess this is the post-Trump world.

Be an unbelievable dick to someone weaker than you and just wait for people to line up with excuses for why it was basically OK.

Sorry, but this is exactly the kind of Daily Mail remark I refer to. ^

The incident as a one off does not warrant this reaction and we don't even know exactly what was said yet. How can it be appropriate to go the governors believing this person shouldn't be teaching, on the basis of a 2nd hand report on MN?

These responses just help me understand how fury builds up following half-baked reports in the press, that people take at absolute face value and can then only see extreme answers to, rather than seeking more evidence and a proportional response.

doinitfine

people reacting in this completely disproportionate way about random crap on the internet happening (or not happening) to people that you don't know is why we have Brexit AND Trump.

My comment was about what Champs said.

And to Doinitfine - I can't remember more than 1 person suggesting any teacher making personal remarks is okay. People are not justifying the teacher. They are challenging the reactions that have been suggested.

The teacher was being horrible BUT abuse it ain't. Grip time.

It is wrong period! If a teacher is worried about a child's hygiene she should have a quiet word with the parents. You don't tell a child they stink, unless you are their parent, at home and you are trying to get your child to wash properly. Most likely your child knows you love them and they will be able to take it from you. You don't say it in a public manner, off the cuff to a child. They aren't adults, they will mostly likely not get it even if it is sarcasm. They will be hurt. Most kids look up to their teachers and want their teacher to like them. It has a huge impact on how much they want to be in school and learn. This Teacher is misguided to say the least. I wouldn't want them teaching my kids and I would certainly complain about it if I knew they said something like that to my child or if my child heard them say it about another child. It is common decency. What is wrong with people!!!

Mega, I totally agree. It scares me when I see this kind of thread with the disproportionate responses and judgements people are prepared to make based on 2nd or third hand reports of events and people they know nothing about. It scares me how quickly people make snap judgements without all the info and how certain they are in their views. Sadly, it does add to my understanding of how Brexit and Trump came about.

Some posters have sensibly advised the OP to find out more, if she feels this isn't something she can move on from,mwithout more info. They have advised that she holds her potential fury until there is more info. Those people haven't suggested the teacher should be sacked, accused of bullying or abuse or never allowed to teach again. However, despite many voices of reason on here, still loads of people have a knee jerk reaction to a hurt child, that someone must have done something seriously wrong and needs to pay big time. Oh dear! And I'll say just again, I. Case anyone still misses the point, people are not saying that the teachers remarks (whatever the exact wording was) were okay.

AlexaTwoAtT I do count what the teacher said to OPs DD as abuse, as an adult/teacher you just wouldn't say something like that to one of your pupils.

OP do keep us updated on the situation.

Being horrible to a child in your care IS abuse.

HTH

It has been proven in studies that the biggest impact on a child's learning and development is their teachers. It isn't private verses state education, it isn't really peer groups, it isn't even their home life although all of these will have an effect. It is their teachers and the quality of the teaching. This teacher would get very low marks in my book having made a comment like that. Very poor judgement. Very detrimental to a child's self-esteem.

I have suggested that the OP find out more.

Other people have suggested that if the incident happened as reported, it is no big deal and the teacher just needs a quiet word in her ear.

Those people are wrong.

IF the incident happened as the child reported, this would be a serious matter.

No, there is a threshold for what is considered to be 'abuse'. This doesn't meet it. It's a one-off tactless comment that upset the child, but may have been said in a more jovial spirit than that in which it was taken. Even a one-off comment that was meant to be nasty wouldn't constitute 'abuse'. Massive hyperbole there.

zoe

I was replying to doin.

HTH

Your poor dd. Whether the teacher meant to or not, she has upset DD and made her cry. She has done this by making a rude remark in front of the class. Not acceptable.

"Did you mean to be so rude?" might be a useful phrase here. The teacher is failing to set a decent example of how to behave towards people with respect. I hope it was a thoughtless mistake and that she is very sorry.

Trifle - I can't understand why people can't see the difference between a one off tactless (and wrong) comment and abuse. Why do people think every wrong thing must be abuse and can't see degrees in wrong behaviour and degrees of response?

Every time a child is upset or disappointed, when someone else has been involved does not mean they have automatically been abused or bullied.

Some people on this thread, clearly were bullied by teachers in a systematic and very nasty way. Because they were, this does not make this one off incident of a wrong and foolish comment bullying too.

When people do wrong or rude things to us....we must make a judgement about how serious they are and respond proportionately. If we constantly feel that other people's actions towards us are very serious and require extreme action, then we probably haven't got the balance right in making those judgements. Yes, we experience bits of rudeness and thoughtless behaviour and comments on a daily basis - and so do our children. It is wrong that people behave in those ways. However, many of those incidents don't warrant us becoming furious or accusing people of bullying or abuse. Bullying and abuse does happen......but it's not present in every thoughtless comment.

I was replying to doin.

Why did you quote my post then?

HTH

Being horrible to a child in your care IS abuse

So why aren't you suggesting the OP reports this incident to social services? That's the correct response to suspected abuse of a child.

A one off tactless comment that a child is so smelly you can't bear to have them near you, said in earshot of a room of other children, shows such a profound lack of understanding of your role and responsibility as a teacher that it immediately raises serious questions about your suitability to be in a classroom.

A child was humiliated byban adult responsible for her care.

If it really happened as described, that humiliation and the subsequent bullying by the children were entirely predictable and not an unforeseeable consequence.

The idea that people who think this is basically no big deal and the upset 10 year old should get over herself and stop being so smelly are alliwed to work in English schools is horrifying.

Chocolate: With some people it's because they lose all perspective when children are involved and they imagine every tiny issue to be a source of long-term emotional damage. Your basic hysterics, in other words.

yes I am surprised social services haven't been involved tbh

isn't the mumsnet list

head
governors
local paper
social services

Doinit: I can't agree. I think a one-off lapse in judgement is regrettable but not a reason to fire someone. If I worked in an office I would not expect to be fired for a one-off inappropriate remark to a colleague or client. If I worked in a care home I would not expect to be fired for the same. I would expect to be retrained or reminded the first time it happened, and even then I would expect the opportunity to say my piece.

And some people think children are so unimportant that you can treat them in ways you would never get away with treating an adult and just shrug your shoulders about how they need to be more resilient if they get upset.

Telling someone to get away from you because they stink is not acceptable in most workplaces.

But in schools it's fine to talk to children that way.