I don't think people are defending the teacher. What she said (and exactly what she said needs to be clarified) was not okay.
However, the thing that some people on this thread seem to struggle with, it the the making judgements about shades of grey. It is not okay to say personal things to a child, that make them feel bad, even if they are said as an off the cuff, passing comment which wasn't intended to hurt. However, there are lots of other things which are are not okay too and are certainly more serious......as well as less serious. As parents we then have to make judgements about which ones we react to and take action over, and which we don't. There is lots of rudeness in society and lots of thug s that happen to children that can make them feel a bit small and uncomfortable - none of it is okay, but as parents are we going to get angry and take action about every example of it? I guess this is where my question lies - it's not about saying what the teacher did was right, but challenging what we do about thes things.
Sometimes it is right to feel really cross and get involved.......and sometimes, it quite simply is t the best thing to do.....and it's making the judgement about the difference which is important. And making that distinction between rudeness or things that happen that are best acknowledged as not okay, but then quickly moved on from with no further action, and those that need action is something we want to teach our children too. That is part of what resilience is. It's not about condoning bad behaviour or accepting bullying, but about learning to cope when things go wrong, getting back up and carrying on stronger. It is possible for DD in this scenario to do all those things.
So my Q to parents is, when you hear that your child feels upset or is disappointed by something that has happened, how do you decide whether to get furious and get involved, or to just acknowledge it and help the child move on?
There are def times when as a parent we absolutely should get involved....and this helps out child, but I also believe that if we ALWAYS feel furious for our child and ALWAYS wade in, this doesn't help them - it teaches them that always reacting is the right thing to do, to expect conflict and intervention, feeling furious should be a commonplace,mrather than rare event, and that everything is a big deal....rather than acknowledging that often, simply acknowledging someone is rude or wrong or disappointing is enough and you can then move on, is best because it allows you to get over the thing quickly without it becoming a huge deal that affects you for ages.
So parents, which kind of upsets, disappointments and slights can you acknowledge and move on from quickly, and which are you absolutely sure need involvement and which are more grey areas? All complicated of course, by the fact that child reporting of events, whilst rarely being lies is often not fully accurate too....and that also needs to affect the way we react, at least in the first instance.