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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not punish my daughter for answering honestly/telling the truth (Father Christmas related)

439 replies

iProcrastinate · 14/11/2016 08:05

To cut a long story short! My DD(7.5) hasn't believed in Father Christmas for a couple of years, we never made a big deal about this and I just let her make her own mind up. We still do a Santa letter, and leave out a mince pie with the stocking, that's tradition; and you'll struggle to find a kid who loves Christmas as much as she does! I won't bore you with why we don't make a big deal over it!

DD is under strict instructions NOT to go around telling other children that he isn't real. I don't think that she would, But she has also been taught that to lie is wrong......

So DD and her class have recently moved into Yr3 at school, so they share a play ground with the older kids. DD and a friend of hers were asked, by an older child, do they think Father Christmas is real. DD answered no. That night I got a furious message from the mother of the friend, saying that DD could have 'ruined their Christmases', but fortunately she has managed to 'repair the damage', and could I reprimand DD. I apologised but said that I would speak to her about this but not punish her. She answered honestly.

AIBU not to punish her? At what age do kids start questioning the Father Christmas thing? Surely it must be a hot topic of conversation at this age? DD can't be the only 7yr old out there who doesn't believe.

OP posts:

Letustryagain · 15/11/2016 14:53

I don't know of any 7-8 year olds in DD's class who don't believe still in FC. DD definitely does, although she does know that as she gets older FC only brings one present and a stocking. Mum and Dad work hard to buy the rest. Can't have him taking all the credit after all...

Sohardtochooseausername · 15/11/2016 14:53

My mother...was particularly determined that we should not think that presents came from a mysterious stranger, and that we should be certain that our behaviour would have no impact at all on whether or not we received our presents.

My mother was also like this - so presents under the tree were always from real people, just the stocking was from Santa. I don't understand the parents who make everything 'from Santa'. Don't they want some credit?

mrsnicholls · 15/11/2016 14:56

I'm really surprised that so many of you think 7/8 year olds don't believe...and some even younger.
I have a 9 (very nearly 10) year old and a 6 year old. Both are firm believers. Amongst my eldest's class there are a few who are starting to question the big man's existence but there are plenty of older children at my kids school who still believe too.

In answer to the OP I don't think you should punish your daughter at all for being honest. Honesty is to be applauded! And she wasn't saying he didn't exist, just that she personally didn't believe.

paxillin · 15/11/2016 14:57

I'd be slightly worried what other nonsense they'll readily believe if kept so gullible until they are pre-teens.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 15/11/2016 15:03

My own DCs are now a nearly 13 yr old and a 16 yr old. Both stopped believing early on, and I didn't contradict them.

The magic and fun now includes a game where they try to catch me/do in putting their "Santa" presents in their rooms, under the mini trees they both have. I haven't been caught yet, although DP nearly was last year. 😁

tictactoad · 15/11/2016 15:06

Furious? Asking you to 'reprimand' (whatever her definition of that is) you dd?

Your acquaintance is barking.

paxillin · 15/11/2016 15:09

Call Rent-A-Claus, RaspberryOverloadTheFirst. Have him stomp in with a lot of fuss late at night. Act all surprised if they are freaked out. "Who did you think brings your stocking?"

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 15/11/2016 15:17

There were a pair of twins who announced to their entire year (1) that FC wasn't real. Obviously the class were upset but none of us had a go at their parents! IIRC we used the line that he is real to those who believe in him and managed to keep the magic until DD was 10. Now (15) she helps keep the magic for her best friends youngest siblings and we still have to look at the Santa Tracker, then watch the Grinch & get everything ready. Even the carrot and mince pie, in case the youngsters visit.

Don't punish your DD. Maybe she could just turn the question back if asked again - sort of 'well what do you think?' That way she neither 'lies' nor denies her own opinion

SenecaFalls · 15/11/2016 15:24

The fetishizing of FC/Santa that goes on in RL and on MN these days is really ridiculous and, I think, potentially damaging to children.

When children start school, they begin to acquire the skills to absorb all sorts of information and to think critically about what they observe and what they are told. They soon are taught the rudiments of the scientific method. They engage in discussions with other children about all sorts of things, and they begin to learn that people have different family cultures, beliefs and traditions. It is perfectly natural that questioning the Santa myth will come up. I think that going to great lengths to perpetuate it beyond the early school years where this natural sort of process occurs is really misguided.

Madcats · 15/11/2016 15:28

DD is in 9 and apparently they are doing Secret Santa in class for Christmas (she is already sooo excited at the prospect). I wonder if the poor teacher is going to get bombarded by emails from angry "believers"!

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 15/11/2016 15:31

paxillin I was thinking of setting my alarm for 3am, I'm sure they'll not be awake then!

JigokuShojou · 15/11/2016 15:35

That night I got a furious message from the mother of the friend, saying that DD could have 'ruined their Christmases', but fortunately she has managed to 'repair the damage', and could I reprimand DD. I apologised but said that I would speak to her about this but not punish her. She answered honestly."

Ask her how she thinks Syrian children feel................................................

Sarn1234 · 15/11/2016 15:53

Your daughter did nothing wrong, my daughter used to say kids didnt believe and I said well then Santa wont bring them anything! My dd knew it was all bullshit but played a long, the funniest thing was when we sent her a message from PNP and she sent me and her father one! She has always been to intelligent to be lied to!

Reapwhatyousow · 15/11/2016 16:01

Don't overthink this.

You are the adult and parent.

A bit of mystery to children is a good thing imho so long as they feel secure.

Keep a piece of mystery and basically Faith, for them by not revealing all. x

CancellyMcChequeface · 15/11/2016 16:06

believed in Santa until the Christmas before he went to secondary school (he turned 12 the following March!)

My mother thought this about me. I actually knew the truth at 6, but kept it from her as whenever I voiced my doubts her response was 'children who don't believe don't get any presents.' I wanted presents. She sat me down to reveal the secret before I started secondary school and was shocked when my response was a very disinterested 'yeah, of course I know.'

I'd be very surprised if any child seriously still believes past about age 9. Plays along, sure. But that's different.

Lnfb85 · 15/11/2016 16:27

I was told if I didn't believe that I didn't get a visit. So I pretended to believe from around 9 to 14 when my mum felt the need to tell me that he wasn't real. (In Canada where I am from, high school is at 13/14 not 11).

Perhaps tell your daughter she's allowed to not believe but she needs to pretend to believe to keep the magic going for others? Then she can tell the truth to people. "I don't believe but I was told that if you don't believe you don't get visited so I pretend in order to keep the spirit of Christmas alive"???

HeCantBeSerious · 15/11/2016 16:30

FFS.

Shitonmyshoe · 15/11/2016 16:54

I'd have told the mother to get fucked. Most kids know or are realising it's a con by that age. I would praise my child for being honest. The mother is bonkers to even contact you. If that is something that could potentially ruin their Christmas then how sad. I bet homeless families, those parents with not a penny to get a present for their children etc would be devastated on discovering her plight. What a silly moo.

Katherine2626 · 15/11/2016 17:29

Makes you wonder why the child asked in that way - maybe she had her own doubts, or she was going to tell your DD it was a little (white) lie. Mother is over reacting...perhaps she believes in Father Christmas too!

RaeAm · 15/11/2016 17:35

Is every single other child in the whole school Christian? Cos the Jewish, Sikh, Hindu, Buddhist kids won't be keeping up the Santa charade for the sake of this child and her mum. Your child told the truth in a world that's lying- of course don't punish her.

oblada · 15/11/2016 17:44

Well I will have loads of angry parents hating us then. :) We're not planning to keep up the pretence, husband is from a different culture anyway and I am not comfortable with the white lie. So if my daughter (5) asks clearly I will tell her the truth. If others ask her it is up to her how she answers of course! No reason to be angry at your DD!

youarenotkiddingme · 15/11/2016 17:59

Of course your NbU. Your DD was asked if she beleives in something - she said no.

So if she was asked if she believed in a god from a certain religion and said no would parents from that religion expect punishment.

Children have to learn everyone has different beliefs.

This will sound ott maybe but there's enough war ATM because people seem to think yiu should be punished for believing differently.

My Ds is 12 and still believes. Or rather he's never said he doesn't. I worry about that TBH!

mammamic · 15/11/2016 18:02

YANBU

It's the responsibility of the friend's mother to have a plan in place for when (not if - because it will happen) this happens.

Our DD was at a sleepover at a friend's house and FC came up. The other child said that their other had told them he wasn't real and then the mother confirmed this when asked. I was quite annoyed at what happened and thought the other mum was very inconsiderate, however I would not have had a go.

I had a response for this that I'd thought about way before it came up and it fixed everything - very plausibly and also 'fixed' anything that came up again after that.

Last Christmas (DD was 11 and a half yrs old), I told her after she'd opened her presents as I was quite surprised that she still believed and I didn't want her getting teased in school (yr 7). She burst into tears and was devastated and went on about it for months asking why I'd told her.

It's a tricky one but it's the parents' responsibility to keep up the pretence if they wish.

Cameron07 · 15/11/2016 18:05

The old don't ask question you don't want to hear answer to springs to mind

LeftRightUpDown · 15/11/2016 18:08

The older child asked if she believed so she could laugh at her when she said yes. So your DD has probably saved herself and her friend from some bullying.

Don't tell her off. She answered a question truthfully and wasn't spilling the beans

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