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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not punish my daughter for answering honestly/telling the truth (Father Christmas related)

439 replies

iProcrastinate · 14/11/2016 08:05

To cut a long story short! My DD(7.5) hasn't believed in Father Christmas for a couple of years, we never made a big deal about this and I just let her make her own mind up. We still do a Santa letter, and leave out a mince pie with the stocking, that's tradition; and you'll struggle to find a kid who loves Christmas as much as she does! I won't bore you with why we don't make a big deal over it!

DD is under strict instructions NOT to go around telling other children that he isn't real. I don't think that she would, But she has also been taught that to lie is wrong......

So DD and her class have recently moved into Yr3 at school, so they share a play ground with the older kids. DD and a friend of hers were asked, by an older child, do they think Father Christmas is real. DD answered no. That night I got a furious message from the mother of the friend, saying that DD could have 'ruined their Christmases', but fortunately she has managed to 'repair the damage', and could I reprimand DD. I apologised but said that I would speak to her about this but not punish her. She answered honestly.

AIBU not to punish her? At what age do kids start questioning the Father Christmas thing? Surely it must be a hot topic of conversation at this age? DD can't be the only 7yr old out there who doesn't believe.

OP posts:
Sparklyglitter · 15/11/2016 18:10

I don't think you could gave done anymore than you have! My son literally set foot in the junior school year 3 and came home and said you lied FC doesn't exist! Was gutted! If you hadn't asked your daughter to respect that other people believe for longer then that would be different but I think you've been very thoughtful!! 🎄

HeCantBeSerious · 15/11/2016 18:11

Is every single other child in the whole school Christian? Cos the Jewish, Sikh, Hindu, Buddhist kids won't be keeping up the Santa charade for the sake of this child and her mum. Your child told the truth in a world that's lying- of course don't punish her.

Hmm
SooBee61 · 15/11/2016 18:18

So much else to worry about in this world. Just let it go.

ilongforlustre · 15/11/2016 18:21

Children find out from other children that Santa doesn't exist.

I found out the day I found the left over material in my Mum's wardrobe that she had used to cover my toy pram. It was supposed to be from Santa. I remember a moment of real upset and disappointment that it was not real after all (like I had heard at school) then promptly getting over it.

Other Mum is being precious... and ridiculous. I mean... it isn't true is it... bound to come out sooner or later.

ilongforlustre · 15/11/2016 18:31

I just remembered that I inadvertently "ruined" my neighbours Christmases.

We were out in the garden on Christmas Eve a few years ago. My neighbour had told her son that he would be able to see Santa go over in his sleigh... sadly I had told my children that it was the space station... because it was. I couldn't lie, they've seen it before and my youngest is a bit of a space enthusiast and knew exactly what he was looking at... There wasn't time to warn them...

Thinking about it I don't think she has ever forgiven me. Mind you she is the kind of Mum who starts to ward off bad behaviour with the "Santa is watching!" thing round about June.

ToothPowder · 15/11/2016 18:34

Why the Hmm, HeCant? Sure, some Muslim, Jewish and other religious faiths will celebrate Christmas in a secular way, and may do FC, but many don't. There are 22 children from a wide variety of backgrounds in my four year old son's reception class, and he seems completely unfazed by the fact that some of his friends don't believe in Santa. As a small sample, I don't think any of the Muslim families with children in his class do Santa, the one Jewish family doesn't, but the Hindu and Sikh families seem to.

ThatWhiteElephant · 15/11/2016 18:36

In our school a reception child told me that Father Christmas is not real, he was very sure of this. I have also heard of year 6's that still believe!
Think the friends mum was way over the top messaging you, I would just ignore her!

YeOldMa · 15/11/2016 18:37

I taught my children to just answer, "What do you think?" once they didn't believe but younger children asked them if Santa was real. I explained that there was no need to ruin it for them but they didn't need to lie either. Mind you, I never met a child whose life was blighted about finding out that Santa was a myth either.

JuneJuly · 15/11/2016 18:38

I don't understand this desperate desire to have them believe forever in something that is a complete fabrication (or not even a possibility). - like religious parents bringing dcs up to believe in a god you mean HeCantBeSerious?

Except with FC every parent accepts it isn't actually going to be forever, but also knows that once the truth is out, & has been confirmed by them, there is no going back to believing...and that definitely changes the feel of xmas for a child imo. So some parents like to keep that up as long as is possible.

Op, I can understand how the other parent feels but think it was a bit much for her to blame your dd and have a go at you about it. No, YANBU to not punish your daughter but other kids her age will still believe.

JigokuShojou · 15/11/2016 18:40

Is every single other child in the whole school Christian? Cos the Jewish, Sikh, Hindu, Buddhist kids won't be keeping up the Santa charade for the sake of this child and her mum. Your child told the truth in a world that's lying- of course don't punish her.

AMEN

JuneJuly · 15/11/2016 18:41

YeOldMa, that's how we have always responded when it's been queried by our eldest dd. A sensible thing to get older/non-believing kids to say when asked also.

Cromwell1536 · 15/11/2016 18:44

Pshaw. My son was expressing doubts at 5 and convinced that adults were providing the goodies by the age of 6. I may have brought this about by trying to overegg the whole Christmas pudding. I put stars out on the stairs to his room on Christmas eve, after he'd gone to sleep, and told him that they were where Father Christmas had been. He was three and half. The following Christmas I was getting the decorations out and he saw the stars - 'Did you put those out, mummy?" So doubts set in quite early - most children realise that a lot of their world is arranged by adults. The mother who ticked you off is not being very realistic and should sit on it and swivel, frankly. Sounds like you have a nice, intelligent girl whose sense of fun and wonder at Christmas is fully intact.

JigokuShojou · 15/11/2016 18:44

If you don't believe in Santa Clause/Father Christmas then you don't receive a visit, much less presents.

I reiterate my aforementioned post regarding the plight of Syrian children.

JuneJuly · 15/11/2016 18:48

JigokuShojou, yes, all the other religions plus Jehovah's Witnesses are too busy keeping up their own charades that will continue well beyond an age where children should be allowed to figure out that there are things that can't exist or that there is no real evidence of.

choli · 15/11/2016 18:49

In my experience most kids pretend to their parents that they believe for much longer than they really do.

Phalenopsisgirl · 15/11/2016 18:49

Hehe, ds 12 still won't openly challenge the concept. I'm sure he knows but even last year aged 11 he quietly put out a mince pie and carrot for Father Christmas without my prompting. I think he just does it for me now. We have a pretty wide age spread 23-0 years and none of them ever acknowledge that the big guy is just us tip toeing around in the early hours. My mother never admitted the truth, not ever, at times of doubt the mess on the carpet in front of the fire just got more ridiculous and the soot spread a little further .......come to think of it, maybe he is real!

ProgRockAndPinot · 15/11/2016 18:50

If you are going down this route, what's going to happen during Easter??

Daydream007 · 15/11/2016 18:52

Your daughter just answered a question honestly it's not as though she deliberately went out of her way to tell her friend there was no Father Christmas. The mother is over reacted and has misinterpreted the situation as being nasty. No your daughter shouldn't be punished.

A7mint · 15/11/2016 18:53

The old don't ask question you don't want to hear answer to springs to mind
Makes you wonder why the child asked in that way - maybe she had her own doubts, or she was going to tell your DD it was a little (white) lie.
can people nor read! the op clearly states that it was a third party -an older child who asked in the 7 Yos hearing

elastamum · 15/11/2016 18:56

YANBU Mine stopped believing in yr 3, but I asked them not to say as other DC still believed.

But as teenagers they were absolutely lovely when their younger cousins came to stay and had great fun doing all the father Christmas stuff. They made snow flour footprints all the way from the fireplace to the tree on Christmas morning. The oldest boy cousin who is 7 put his finger in the snow and tasted it -before declaring it snow! (I have a sneaking suspicion he knew what it was but he wasn't letting on) Grin

JuneJuly · 15/11/2016 19:01

I don't think the UK has traditionally had the easter bunny much though has it? That's more of an american thing that's been brought over here along with the more elaborate hoo-ha of hallowe'en celebrations. FC and the tooth fairy have been the main players here I'd say.

Phalenopsisgirl · 15/11/2016 19:06

...and once in my teens and able to be little more philosophical about it all I decided that 'real' was a flexible concept. The idea and sentiment of gift gifting is real and the spirit of Father Christmas is alive and and well in those actions.

clarehhh · 15/11/2016 19:15

Agree age 7 is when they doubt the existence it is not like she said it to a 4 year old!

whyohwhy000 · 15/11/2016 19:19

I love how this has 250 replies (I'm no. 250!) when all that was necessary was "YANBU".

MistressMerryWeather · 15/11/2016 19:23

I like that, Phalenopsisgirl. Smile

Every year on MN threads like these pop-up and it's always the same.

The people who go OTT about parents 'lying' to their children regarding Santa come across just as badly as the mother in the OP.

There is no reason to take this sort of thing so seriously.