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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can you be friends with a racist?

254 replies

AteRiri · 13/11/2016 11:44

Is your political view separate from friendships?

OP posts:
BratFarrarsPony · 13/11/2016 12:53

exactly Dove

PavlovianLunge · 13/11/2016 12:55

I agree with Brat, it's to some extent human nature to make initial judgments (for want of a better word) on people's appearance, and race can be part of that.

Leanback · 13/11/2016 12:55

I think we all have a responsibility to challenge these view, even just mindless ignorance. If my friend made a racist comment I would challenge it. How they responded to my challenge would probably affect our relationship to be honest. Out and our racist statement about the inferiority of a race would probably be an immediate cut off to be honest.

AteRiri · 13/11/2016 12:56

FameNameGameLame

You're right about that there is no response to that question that will make me think they have a point.

I was just genuinely curious. I've heard some people don't like Asians because we "eat dogs".

So I was curious if it's some ridiculous thing like that (I don't eat dogs, I guess some do, but it's more of an aberration than a norm).

OP posts:
LuluLovesFruitcakes · 13/11/2016 12:56

I'm from a pretty racist area, so I hear racist comments come out the mouths of my mother and grandmother and friends, though they never seem to realise that what they've said is actually racially offensive, even after it's pointed out to them? Alot of people I know think that it's just people being "over-sensitive"...

Alot of this has come under the spotlight since Trump's racist and sexist comments, with alot of people I know brushing off what he's said as "everyone thinks like that" and "people need to stop being so offended at everything".

It's a hard time to be a feminist for sure Hmm Wine

RortyCrankle · 13/11/2016 12:56

I couldn't be friends with a racist and voted Leave in the referendum.

I don't think you can say that if someone voted for Trump it makes them a racist. As FameNameGameLame said:

Being friends with a racist doesn't make you a racist. Being friends with a murderer doesn't make you a murder. Being friends with milkman doesn't make you a milkman...

SansasEscape · 13/11/2016 12:59

I'm not fond of Mancunians...

Is this some kind of joke I'm not understanding? Hmm

Arfarfanarf · 13/11/2016 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouJustWouldntLetItLieWouldYa · 13/11/2016 13:05

It's a tricky one, I have a really good friend who I have recently noticed is a 'closet racist'.

I was very shocked, she's built herself a reputation as 'really lovely person', she's a massive animal lover, carer for a disabled child etc but no two ways about it, is racist.

I pull her up on it each time, she's made comments such as ' have you noticed there seems to be a lot of black people in our town lately ??

Made loud comments about people wearing a Hijab who passed us (( stated if we were in their country we'd have to be the same as them so it should be the same here )) I told her to stop being a dick.

Got slightly hysterical one night when a muslim family came into a place we were in (( pointed out her son has been treated by Indian drs for most of his life, where the fuck does she think their families live ?? )) These are just some examples

I'm actually really shocked and saddened by it, I don't think she even sees herself as racist but she is and don't want to lose a good friend (( barely see her these days as a result )) I've even wondered if maybe her MH is a bit iffy as these outbursts and comments are so odd.

The irony is on fb, if someone's hurt in a racist assault etc she's the first to say how appalling it is, she just doesn't see her behaviour as the same.

derxa · 13/11/2016 13:09

No

OutToGetYou · 13/11/2016 13:10

I suppose it's a different question, big how do you cope (I am not really) when it's your dss dm and her dp who are racist, openly and nastily, and dss (15) brings those views home?

It's depressing to listen to and I don't want to spend my whole life explaining a different pov to a teenager who doesn't care.

olderthanyouthink · 13/11/2016 13:16

Hahaha I don't think I could be because i'm mixed race, so I doubt they'd like me.

malika54 · 13/11/2016 13:16

I used to think I couldn't.
However my partner (asian) is best friend with someone who used to have very racist ideas. His view is that when he first met the guy, he was a racist twat, but through knowing my partner, his views have evolved. He still comes up with the occasional racial stereotype, but it's nothing like it used to be. The guy's parents used to be really racist, but consider my partner like a second son. He calls them mum and dad, and they are the most kind and generous people i know.
Racism for me comes from ignorance, and racism is made worse by lack of contact between culture. Some people will always be racist, some are just ignorant. But in the case of my partner, 3 previous utter racists are now just a bit bigoted, and my partner is a godson to their little girl. So the world is a slightly better place Smile.
I can definitely live with that Grin

BadKnee · 13/11/2016 13:16

Silly question really. Who is going to say "yes" to that. I shouldn't have to say "Of course not!" but we live in a culture which is getting close to the "denounce another or you are one". So to be clear: "Of course not!!"

That is rarely the question though. The question is what is racism. There are some people whom I would definitely call racists - and others would deny it. Others who are clearly not racist yet others say are racist. We rarely all agree on that.

At the moment, according to some view, half the population of the USA and half the population of England are racist - so that makes it a bit tricky really.

That is the problem.

SpunkyMummy · 13/11/2016 13:17

malika

That's beautiful :)

GiddyGiddyGoat · 13/11/2016 13:18

In answer to your op... No. Just No (unless you are racist).

cdtaylornats · 13/11/2016 13:19

I'm friends with quite a few SNP supporters so we just don't discuss politics

GrinchyMcGrincherson · 13/11/2016 13:20

No, I couldn't. Like SpeakNoWords, I don't think of that as a political view but a major ethical disagreement.

This. I have some Friends with different political views but TBH if we are friends or not depends on WHY we differ. If it's because of racism, intolerance or homophobia we are not friends. I have lost friends over this.

girlwithamoonandstaronherhead · 13/11/2016 13:23

My initial reaction is absolutely not. My kids are mixed race bit even without that, of all things I just can't tolerate racism. However, it depends a bit on ur definition of racism, so for example someone who is naive, or uses politically incorrect terms I may be friends with. You can educate them.

AteRiri · 13/11/2016 13:24

*BadKnee

Silly question really. Who is going to say "yes" to that*

We've had a few posters who said they wouldn't mind.

OP posts:
user838383 · 13/11/2016 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olderthanyouthink · 13/11/2016 13:28

OutToGetYou When I was at school (I think this was 2010-ish, we were about 14-15) there was a boy in my class who during a RE lesson said to me and another person sitting by us that he wanted to kill ALL the muslims. So I pointed to one of my friends, who was mostly very quiet, gentle and kind (I'd known her for about 4 years and he for at least 2), and I asked him "so you want to kill her? And how about here little sister and baby brother?" he said "No, why?"... She was wearing a fucking hijab! He was and probably still is ignorant beyond belief., but I like to think that I gave him cause to rethink that day.

Sometimes I think some people just need to experience and have it pointed out to them that racial stereotypes are BS

PixieThemes · 13/11/2016 13:28

No definitely not. There's no place for racism in friendship or any other part of society. I tend to distance myself from people with those types of views. You lose respect for someone pretty quickly when you discover they are racist.

Waanderlust · 13/11/2016 13:29

I made a new friend at work and he would make disgusting racist comments ... Along the lines of ... Monkey ... Go back to their own country.

Safe to say he is no longer a friend and never will be.

BarbarianMum · 13/11/2016 13:35

Your friends wants the murder of thousands (tens of thousands? millions?) of people - men, women, babies, the lot - and you're not sure that's incompatible with your friendship? Do you think he has a point? Would you be OK with him making a start or is it only his personal involvement in their killing that would put you off? FFS Hmm