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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just stop looking after their child, even though they don't have childcare?

152 replies

Jackson99 · 13/11/2016 08:33

Hi all,

I'm currently looking after 1 girl, she's almost 8. I'm not here to sit and slate the child, so please don't think I'm doing that. I am a live in nanny - I was really excited about this tbh, 1 child who I got on really well with (when we went on days out just before she hired me)...

She wakes me up (the child) at 4 am every morning. Which is fine, if that's what she wants, that's fine. However, in our contract, I'm allowed to sleep until 7:30, but if she wakes me from 6:30 I have to play games with her, so that's fine, but therefore I don't want to be up at 4! When she's up at 4, she doesn't just make me once, she starts throwing things around the room, tbh even that isn't the end of the world, if I wasn't actually able to say don't do that. Whenever I say that, she cries to her mum and her mum has a go at me about not telling her off. Yet I'm then moaned at for there being a trashed room. If I leave, I won't be paid for the 2 weeks I've done (I'm paid monthly and they cover my food, etc. so I don't ever need the money but obviously I would while I was looking for a new job. However, I think it's worth losing the money tbh. It's such hard work. WWYD?

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 13/11/2016 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeAreEternal · 13/11/2016 09:00

Go and buy one of those door stop wedges, they are £1 and sold everywhere.
Wedge it under the closed door, problem solved.

Does the girl have a clock/watch?
Simply explain to her that she is not allowed to wake you until 7.30, until then she has so play quietly in her room and if she needs anything to go to her parents.

Ankleswingers · 13/11/2016 09:01

Find another job ASAP. Sounds a nightmare. Get out.

SerendipityPhenomenon · 13/11/2016 09:02

You need to make it very clear to the parents that you have to be able to set boundaries for their child which will include telling her off for throwing things around and telling the child that if she needs to wake anyone at night it should be her parents;; also that you need a lock on your door. If they are not prepared to agree to any of those, leave.

TupsNSups · 13/11/2016 09:02

I would be asking for a lock to be fitted. Surely they should have provided a lock anyway?

Lweji · 13/11/2016 09:02

What are the parents doing? If you are supposed to sleep until 7:30 the parents should be sorting out their own child.

Do you have a contract?
Even if you're paid monthly, you should be paid for the time you've worked, and you're supposed to give some notice. One or two weeks is about right, so you'd work to the end of the month and get paid.

But firmly take the child to her parents when she wakes up earlier or lock your door.

blueskyinmarch · 13/11/2016 09:04

Your contract says you start at 7.30 so you tell the parents that they have to ensure the child is amused by them until that time if she gets up earlier. If you don't sleep then you won't be able to do your job properly, right? TBH they sound like shit employers so I would stick it out until you are paid then leave. Start looking for another position now.

lionheart · 13/11/2016 09:05

Anne Bronte, Agnes Grey is the one, Purple.

Madinche1sea · 13/11/2016 09:07

Jackson - There is something quite wrong if an 8 year-old is regularly getting up at 4am! For a start, how will she function at school? Why in earth is she coming to you and not the parents? This is totally unacceptable - for you and the child. You need to be very clear with the parents that this is in no way part of your contract and they have a child who is differencing from disturbed sleep patterns. Don't put up with it one day longer. Are you in the UK? I'm amazed the mother didn't hear the child get up and sort this out in the first instance.

Coconutty · 13/11/2016 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RachelRagged · 13/11/2016 09:08

I would do as others suggested.

Wait till payday , take your money and run .

I would HATE to have to live like that OP . Flowers

Madinche1sea · 13/11/2016 09:08

Suffering not differencing!

Friendinneed2016 · 13/11/2016 09:11

What time does the child go to bed?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 13/11/2016 09:11

Being woken at 4am or 6am is unacceptable. You need to start standing up for yourself. If you can't stand up for yourself then you need another job.

Justputyourshoesonnow · 13/11/2016 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cosmicglitterghoul · 13/11/2016 09:12

Leave. Why should you get woken up at 4?!

peppatax · 13/11/2016 09:16

Where do you live OP? I need a live in nanny ASAP! PM me

Plus kids are used to being told off by me if they're up earlier than 6.30!

EveOnline2016 · 13/11/2016 09:16

My own ds is 10 and is awake at around 4ish every day. He is asd and I have no choice but to get up and snooze on the sofa.

I wouldn't expect anyone else to do this.

You and this family are not suitable and you should start looking for a new job.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/11/2016 09:16

I agree with what everyone else is saying. This is intolerable and you'd be within your rights to leave.

For the time being, how about setting her up with activities when she wakes up? She gets to choose them the night before. Perhaps something for her bedroom and something for downstairs. You leave out a little breakfast snack, drink and a peeled orange or something and leave a DVD and instructions of how to work it or a simple writing activity etc. She can look at the digital clock on the oven and come and see you no earlier than x time. I would let her knock on your door earlier than 7.30. But stage it forward until it becomes 7.30. And definitely a door stop is required.

LikeTheShoes · 13/11/2016 09:19

Do you have somewhere to go?
Spend the next 2 weeks job/flat hunting.
Take the money and go.

There are good nanny employers, this isn't one.

honkinghaddock · 13/11/2016 09:20

Unless she has sn she should be able to stay quiet till a reasonable hour. What time is she going to bed? I have a 4am wakener with sn and it is knackering.

NC1nightstand · 13/11/2016 09:22

For goodness sake, if my boss's daughter came into my bed room 3 and half hrs before I was due to start work I would be furious! Now obviously it would be very weird because she is 26 and lives in L.A. but the premise is the same! I understand how awkward this must be for you, harder still if as I suspect this is your first job but you are holding more power than you realise. Your employer will not want to be stuck without a nanny, it will cause problems.
Also I find it odd that this girl is up at 4am every day. That is still the night!!! What time does she go to bed? No, the more I think of it, the more I worry you have been mislead. This child may have issues that should have been revealed to you. Allowing a child to throw things about till she gets her own way is doing her no favours and needs to be addressed. You have to speak to her mum (when you get paid if you can stand to wait) and be firm about it. Good luck!

Original poster
Jackson99 · 13/11/2016 09:24

She goes to bed at 8 pm. She's up at 4, normally fully rested but does get tired straight from school.

OP posts:
Olympiathequeen · 13/11/2016 09:24

Wait until payday then leave. It's outrageous that an 8 year old gets up at 4 am and it's considered OK by her parents.

slowandfrumpy · 13/11/2016 09:25

You need to be able to set boundaries with the parents AND with the child. I think you need to talk to the parents and say that you are unable to function if you are woken at 4am every morning. You also need to point out that you cannot do your job if you are woken this early, that these hours are not in your contract and that you need to work together to clarify/establish a discipline strategy.

You could offer to come up with a way to deal with the child's sleep problem, a solution which would allow you to be firm. for e.g.

  1. a clock in her room and she's not allowed out until its 6 am (or whatever)
  2. an agreement that if she gets up before 7.30 she goes to her parents not you.
  3. clarification on how they see your role setting boundaries - the child should not be complaining to the parent or if she does the parent should be backing you up, if you are being reasonable. I also think
  4. that if any solution involves you getting up at 4am for a few weeks i.e. working an additional three and a half hours a day, then this needs to reflected in your pay (as overtime). It should ammount to several hundred pounds a week. That, or you are allowed to clock off work three and a half hours early at the end of the day. Whatever solution you come up with should not involve you working for free.

If the parents are able to acknowledge there is a problem and work with you to resolve it, then you might find things get better and be willing to stay until everything improves. You also need to insist on a lock on the door. You are a grown up and need your privacy.

If the parent is intractable, bad tempered, unreasonable or disrespectful then you can explain that you cannot work under these circumstances and give them notice allowed in your contract and then leave after however many weeks. The parent is going to have this problem repeatedly unless she sorts it out as any reasonable nanny - unless easily exploited, desperate or young - is going to leave under these circumstances.

That's what i'd do, I think. Although I know how hard it can be being assertive.