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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to breastfeed

416 replies

Cocklodger · 11/11/2016 09:18

99.9 percent sure I'm going to be causing a bun fight, really hoping that doesn't happen.
My LG is a few days old. I don't want to breastfeed.
I just,don't want to. Its difficult, It feels unpleasant (I have tried) I really don't like it, Its much easier for me to FF and I know FF is almost as good.
When I told my MW I didn't want to I felt forced to try, still don't like it now.
But I've had a couple of (negative) comments already about it, I don't feel like elaborating hugely so just say ''I just don't want to'', soon to be ex h has had massive a strop about it, My sister and mother have commented also.
Is it U for these comments to be made?
Surely its my right to choose how my baby gets fed without judgement.

OP posts:
HI1808 · 13/11/2016 22:43

Hi, I tried breastfeeding for the first month with my little one and the stress and guilt really affected me! You can't do anything about the nosy/judgy comments so ignore and remember you have a beautiful healthy baby and that is all that matters! Xx

queenofthemountains · 13/11/2016 22:45

What if the baby is physically unable to breastfeed ( mine was) where do human rights stand then?

I'm so glad my kids are older and all this is just a distant memory, and by the way when they get to 10 you can't tell who was or wasn't.

user1475439961 · 13/11/2016 23:09

Yes yabu. You've been blessed with a beautiful newborn baby I believe deserves the best start in life. Yes breastfed isn't always easy, it can feel uncomfortable etc to begin with, but surely your newborn is worth it?
Of course it is up to you & if you're really suffering because you're breastfeeding then you must stop. I hope you've been offered lots of support either way.

notangelinajolie · 13/11/2016 23:18

It's your choice. There is nothing wrong with formula. I didn't bf and didn't want to. I had 3 DCs and I don't think any of the mums I shared the wards did either.

Tiredtomybones · 13/11/2016 23:34

Yanbu. Your choice.

GreenGinger2 · 14/11/2016 07:06

User it's not about the newborn being worth it,it's about breast feeding being worth it. There are so many things I don't manage to do which frankly in the grand scheme of things aren't worth it. If I constantly reminded myself that my kids were worth it and put all of us through shit to get it even though it really wasn't I'd run myself into an early grave.

Take packed lunches. My secondary DC have to leave the house by 7.30, as do we. They have school dinners which are ok but not perfect and very little veg is consumed. Now I could socially isolate them into eating packed lunches on their own,then refuse to feed them anything else until they consumed the limp veg they brought home after having got up at 6 to provide it whilst enduring more stress already stressful mornings bring but I don't. I figure in the grand scheme of things less stress and eating with their mates trumps the consuming of a few veg sticks particularly when you consider the years of good role models and healthy eating I provide during the marathon that is parenthood. I have taken a similar approach on several other parenting issues too.Breast feeding is no different. Obviously if I lived in Africa my approach would differ but I don't.

Lovingit81 · 14/11/2016 07:20

YANBU it is your choice. However please don't think FF is as good as it's just not. It's like giving a child a microwave meal with vegetables in it. Yes there are vitamins and no they are not going to starve but a homemade meal is much better. Also please know that it gets massively easier after the first month or so. I totally get that life is not black and white and there are a number of reasons why breastfeeding may not be appropriate but if it's just a bit of extra effort I'm sorry I think you should suck it up, be strong and keep going. You won't regret it and it's best for your baby. Best of luck xxx

Oatsinajar · 14/11/2016 07:33

YANBU, do what's best for you. It's better for baby for you to be happy and have energy rather than have breast milk.

Breast milk may be better that formula, but surely it isn't better when the mother is vitamin D deficient and anaemic?

chubbylover78 · 14/11/2016 07:50

I told my midwife I was considering breast feeding my son, but he didn't take to it. In the hospital after having him I was refused formula and was told it said in my notes that I had chosen to breasbreast feed, I had an overnight stay in hospital and it was horrible having to struggle breast feeding with no support from staff. In the end after an argument about how it is my right to change my mind they gave me formula to cup feed. He drank 10ml and slept solid for 6 hours before wanting more. I ff at home as well as expressing my own milk which is as good as bf and it's free. Please dont feel pressured into it like I did, your baby, your body, your choice.

BertieBotts · 14/11/2016 08:26

Finding it weird hearing about the shame of majority choosing to FF and not enough support for BF, I found 100% the opposite...I had clinics, mw at my house etc to support BF which didn't work at all...I don't believe my milk ever came in and she was actually starving but no one cared

That isn't decent support for BF. Because support for BF doesn't look like a load of people coming around your house and telling you you're a bad mother for suggesting FF! Proper support would have been looking at why your milk didn't seem to come in, ascertaining whether there was actually no milk and you needed help to get it going (there are some options) or whether it was actually "in" but didn't feel like it was in, and working with you to increase supply and settle your baby, even if that included cup feeding for a short period. But most importantly, keeping in touch with you and your emotions and supporting you to make the choice you wanted. If you feel like you've had enough of trying to make BF work and it isn't worth it any more that's a feeling which should always be respected and supported. Breastfeeding support should not be about bullying mums into keeping BF at all costs.

Clandestino · 14/11/2016 08:59

I breastfed for two years. Didn't have a great support from the HV who was elderly lady and would have put DD on the formula immediately because she wasn't gaining as much weight as bottle fed children.
DD was feeding like there was no tomorrow and I had plenty of milk so didn't see the issue but she had that disdainful approach of "you're a first time Mum and I've seen thousands of babies so surely I know better". I persevered but was tired from the battle and it left me doubting my decisions at the very beginning.
That said, I don't care if other Mums decide not to breastfeed. It's your decision and your decision only. The most important thing for a baby is a content mother who gives the baby the love and care it needs. Anything else is secondary.
There are so many theories and smartasses telling you how to best bring up your baby that you will end up feeling like you can't do anything right.
So honestly - fuck it and fuck the militant anti- or pro-whatever feeders. Do what you think is best for your baby and find the right balance for yourself. For me, one of the best decisions was not to join any baby or toddler groups. I only joined one group, which was in the local baby and toddler club where DD could play with musical instruments and the discussions with other Mums were enough to put me off forever. The fierce competitiveness of what baby did what first and discussions about the quality of poo and vomit and the right way of bringing up your baby so it grows to be Einstein by the age of 5 made me feel like I was surrounded by a pack of lactation psychosis sufferers.
Good luck with whatever you choose.

gemma19846 · 14/11/2016 09:16

I know people who pap on about bf and how important it is then feed their kids junk food every single day after ebf for like a year! My 2 were only bf for a few weeks but are VERY rarely ill and eat very healthy. Yes bf is best for baby but not if it is causing you to be unhappy and stressed out

wherestheweightlosspill · 14/11/2016 09:41

Thanks Bertie botts, I agree but that is definitely not what I got. I was told I needed to be a 'milking machine' because she was losing weight and I clearly wasn't feeding her often enough (she would be on the breast for 1.5hrs - 2hrs and only came off when she fell asleep, exhausted presumably, would sleep for 20 mins then wake screaming and we'd do it all again. I tried pumping and 30 mins of pumping didn't fully cover the bottom of the bottle(so possibly 1-2ml), it was utterly miserable.

Marymoosmum14 · 14/11/2016 15:08

It is your body and your baby if you want to FF you FF and don't let anyone else tell you different.

Myshitdontstink · 14/11/2016 16:06

I wanted to try - Baby was not interested in the slightest, had 3 different midwives manhandle my boobs and then got told I wasn't going home until she fed - OH got sent to the shop - she guzzled the full starter bottle thing, and I was home within 24 hours of C-Section.
It's your choice, and your body, OH is allowed an opinion but its not them that will have to do it; everyone else should bog off!
Congratulations btw x

pollymere · 14/11/2016 16:42

I'm not judging you so please understand that first. Do give bf a try though. I was so tempted to give up but actually my dd found formula difficult to digest so I found myself needing to continue. Then I started to really enjoy the time we had. Go to a special clinic rather than listening to MW. They can check you're doing it properly so it doesn't hurt, advise on pillows etc. It made a huge difference, especially as I was advised ten minutes only per breast rather than just letting her stay there. She soon learnt not to loiter! I ended up part feeding until my dd was over a year old. If it really isn't for you after giving it a week or so and talking to the clinic then ff all.the way!

BertieBotts · 14/11/2016 20:21

I know weightlosspill, the support is crap in the UK. It's not really surprising we have such low BF rates. Poor you! It sounds like you're doing great for your DD so I hope that the early experience didn't mar that too much.

Reebs123 · 14/11/2016 20:54

It's your choice. Yes there are health benefits to bf but it isn't a magic pill. Both DDs had eczema & terrible constipation. Bf is a struggle, painful & time -consuming. I cudnt do it properly with DD1 as she was in ICU & never took it except expressed in a bottle. DD2 doesn't want to stop bf & since she's turned 1 I've developed an infection which has been hell 4 me worrying & going back & forth to Drs & hospital to be poked, prodded & examined. Sometimes FF is the way, no need to feel guilty. Do what's best for you. People will always have an opinion no matter what you do. Just try & ignore them.

Reebs123 · 14/11/2016 20:56

Try searching for localBf support groups & advisors. I found one that did home visits & were a great help.

SparklesandBangs · 14/11/2016 21:09

Haven't read all 16 pages however just wanted to reassure OP that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to BF, I didn't ever my choice.
If anyone said anything to me my standard answer was no she is having a bottle.
I have 2 healthy, normal weight almost adult DC.
Please do what is best for you.

preciouspig · 14/11/2016 21:25

First congratulations on your baby!

Secondly, just switch to formula and tell everyone else its non of their business. I was in the exact same position. I tried but it was uncomfortable, the baby always seemed starving even after feeding for hours and it would start to hurt really bad. In all honestly wasnt worth the stress

Switched to formula and it was like a massive weight lifted on my shoulder. Even though my OH used to chase me round the house with the bloody breast pump!! Drove me mad.

The most important thing your baby needs is a happy and healthy mama. Do what is best for you Smile

Original poster
Cocklodger · 14/11/2016 21:43

I'd like to apologize first for Lack of response as I thought the thread had died down.
thanks for the responses however I did not post to ask if i was U to FF. comments claiming bf is a human right are ridiculous and I will continue to FF i will not be trying to BF.
Forgive grammar, babe in Arms typing 1 handed

OP posts:
Original poster
Cocklodger · 14/11/2016 22:01

I've also not once said that FF is as good as BF, all I've said is "almost as good" which got argued about for about 3 hours... 😂😂
I'm offended by the implication that I haven't made an informed choice Hmm is that because I'm not breastfeeding? Seems to be with all the "FF but make an informed decision first" I've made my decision, done, dusted and I'm happy with it.
My decision was not up for debating at any point
The Aibu was "are negative comments unreasonable" so "yabu not to breastfeed" is a bit redundant as that is not what the post was about.
I got the advice I needed so for that I'm grateful as its a lonely time for me ATM.
Telling me to give something a go, that I'm selfish for not giving my baby the best start, infringing on her human rights etc isn't going to change my mind and isn't very helpful.

Thanks all

OP posts:
Woodacorn · 14/11/2016 22:31

I think all new mums should be fully informed on the benefits of breast feeding but after that it's their choice.
It's right that health professionals should encourage breast feeding but it's obviously a delicate balance.

mum2Bomg · 14/11/2016 22:35

Glad you're doing ok and hope you thoroughly enjoy your new baby. Congratulations Flowers