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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask people to share unhelpful things said and done by "friends" when hung through infertility hell

254 replies

Hestheoneandonly · 11/11/2016 08:56

That really. Been suffering secondary infertility for quite some time. Sister suffered primary infertility for many years although happily had a DC this year (yay). But during that time I've been gobsmacked at people's thoughtlessness and insensitivity. Neither of us kept quiet about our struggles so it wasn't ignorance but some of the things I've heard people say or seen them do inc

DS really needs a little brother or sister

At least you can go out without worrying about a babysitter

Having two is so hard (I can guarantee it's not as hard as infertility)

You can always adopt

It's probably for the best at your age (piss off DM)

Just relax and it will happen (do you have a death wish)

Just be grateful and be thankful you have DS (yes it appears you actually do have a death wish)

I just wanted to tell you about the next easily achieved/we weren't really trying pregnancy to your face (just text me, even the most cursory glance at google would tell you this, yes I'm happy for you but would have appreciated time to sob uncontrollably in the privacy of my own home first)

Rocking up to my 40th birthday clearly pregnant having not bothered to prewarn me (thanks -yes you did wreck my night).

At least you have a lovely dog (yes really)

Are we the only ones with insensitive friends?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2016 16:12

She decided halfway through cutting my hair that my pets were like my children. She was very pleased with herself for coming up with something so hilarious that she just kept saying it over and over. At least my hair looks nice. No way I'm going back there again.

GeorgiePeachie · 15/11/2016 16:19

I am young. I've never had children and never tried. I know some of these things are AWFUL and make it seem like the mother's fault.

But so many of them seem to be said from a good place, although when its deconstructed its not the right thing to say.

Can any of you help out an ally like me. What SHOULD we say? Should it never be brought up? Assume our ignorance and help us learn the difference between being helpful and being hurtful.

PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2016 16:24

But so many of them seem to be said from a good place, although when its deconstructed its not the right thing to say.

Which sort of things do you mean?

If someone told me they couldn't have kids I'd say that I was sorry they were going through that and (if it was a friend) I'd say I was always around if they wanted to talk or not talk about it. Mainly I'd be led by listening to them and not try to impose and "wisdom" on them.

NataliaOsipova · 15/11/2016 16:25

I work on the idea that it's fine to ask - in the right sort of context - if someone has children, but never to ask any further about the subject if the answer is no. Interested to know if that's okay, actually as would hate to cause offence unintentionally.

PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2016 16:28

What SHOULD we say? Should it never be brought up?

What do you mean "brought up". If you mean asking if someone had children that's fine. Asking if someone wants children might be fine depending on the relationship. Asking why they haven't had children is absolutely not fine.

Assume our ignorance and help us learn the difference between being helpful and being hurtful.

Don't try to be helpful. Trying to be helpful normally leads to spouting crap like "my aunt had a baby aged 406 after taking these Chinese herbs" or "just relax and it'll happen".

GeorgiePeachie · 15/11/2016 16:38

WISDOM. Good point. What the hell do we know, we can only learn. Another poster mentioned learning about all the proceedures (as they thought she needed to talk to someone other than DH about chemicals etc), that's good advice for le noobs.

Shut up and listen. say nothing. make tea. :D

BursarsFrogs · 15/11/2016 16:50

I agree with Purple. You don't have to try to be helpful. If it's not someone close to you, it's not something you ever need to discuss with them, and it's none of your business. If it's a friend, say that you're sorry they're having to go through that, and be there and listen and make cups of tea or whatever. Normal friendship stuff. Don't try to lighten the situation or give them helpful advice (unless you're a qualified dr specialising in reproductive medicine).

Rainydayspending · 15/11/2016 16:52

"Apply more lughole than cake hole" my gran would advise to anyone seeking how to help a friend.

GeorgiePeachie · 15/11/2016 16:55

Rainydayspending HAHAHA what great advice

bummymummy77 · 15/11/2016 16:56

Omg rain that's amazing.

Lostwithinthehills · 15/11/2016 17:05

Georgie I suppose if you discover or are told that someone is struggling with infertility a simple expressing of sympathy "I'm sorry to hear that.", would be a safe start. If you are close to that person offer a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. If you are only an acquaintance there's not much more to say than that initial expression of sympathy. Just know that infertility is a tragedy for that person and be sensitive. If a man has a zero sperm count no amount of relaxing, healthy eating & exercise, giving it time or anything else you can think of will suddenly make his body create millions of sperm. Thank you for wanting to know what to say.

Littlelostdinosaur · 15/11/2016 18:38

Thank you all for this thread, I'm so sorry for what you're all dealing with and can not imagine how hard it can be. A close relative of mine passed away this year suddenly, and another close relative then found out she is infertile. I'm cringing now at how many of thesethings I think i probably said to her over the last few months (having also just had my second and trying desperately not to do anything to make it harder for her).
I've read this full thread In awe of you all and your strength for what you deal with. It must be draining and exhausting beyond words. I've taken a lot from reading this and will make sure from this point on that I don't spout any of these Insensitive (but well meaning) comments to her.

Cani ask, genuinely, when you are with family or friends who have babies, how do you feel most comfortable? I usually try and ensure she basically gets to do what she wants with him, she holds him cuddles him plays etc, but sometimes I wonder if she would rather not if it s too painful to hold someone else's baby. She loves my boys beyond words and it breaks my heart that she hasn't yet got any of her own.
It's so hard to watch her suffer and I know so many times I've said to her that it will happen and how positive it is that her dr is starting treatment soon etc. I now know that's probably not at all what she wants to hear.

I apologise if any of this is badly worded or comes across as anything other than well meaning, I'm not so great with the words.

BursarsFrogs · 15/11/2016 18:58

Cani ask, genuinely, when you are with family or friends who have babies, how do you feel most comfortable?

I think you're doing the right thing trying to follow her lead.

I don't have loads of people in my life with young children at the moment who I'd spend a lot of time, but for me it's depended a lot on the situation. I adore my nephews and have loved cuddling them as babies and being with them. They somehow don't remind me off my infertility - they're just great little humans who I know.

I've found it harder to be with my old friends who have had their first, second and third kids in the 10+ years we've been trying. For some reason it reminds me more of that life I wanted but aren't having. Even in these cases though, I don't really want to be treated differently, and wouldn't personally want people to feel like they need to walk on eggshells or avoid me or try to "hide" their children. Having said that, I wouldn't appreciate someone constantly moaning to me about the hardships of parenting, or assuming I want to constantly hold their babies.

JacquesHammer · 15/11/2016 19:15

Just me who got "forever living could help you with that".

If only I had thought of that.

Littlelostdinosaur · 15/11/2016 20:08

Thanks Bursars. I did inadvertently have a parenting moan the other day from sleep deprivation and quickly apologised and berated not myself for being such a cow! She laughed but I can't help but think inside she was screaming at me. Live and learn and be supportive. Thank you x

BlueBlueSkies · 15/11/2016 20:18

There is a flip side to this. Our best friends (married couple) were having endless IVF. During that time I had two babies. They made me feel guilty about having my kids.

When they asked me how long I had been trying, I told them honestly that I wanted a September baby so timed the conception. It worked both times. They were quite snippy with me and kept telling me how unusual I was and that it was just luck. I made sure I never said anything to upset them, but could not pretend I was not PG or had kids. They made it very difficult to be around them. Then they adopted and it made it even more difficult, as their ADS was the best behaved child and mine were awful, they were also better parents than we were. We stopped being friends.

Blueroses99 · 15/11/2016 20:27

After years of infertility where it got harder to spend time with babies, and a recent second trimester pregnancy loss, I can't have children sprung on me - if I'm given the opportunity to prepare myself to see little ones I know I can hold it together, but any surprises and I'll be a wreck I'm afraid.

After my loss, I heard even more hurtful things than I did about infertility. I kept hearing that there must have been something wrong with my baby - nope, he was perfect, in fact there was something wrong with ME!

I was lucky to not have a disabled child Hmm

At least I know I can get pregnant Hmm (5yrs and failed IVF says otherwise, this was our miracle, our IVF lucky ticket)

It hurts more because it's our first child and wouldn't hurt so much if it was our second or third HmmConfused

Grilledaubergines · 15/11/2016 20:31

'You're obviously not meant to be a parent'.

Some of the responses on this thread prove how little understanding some people have of infertility. And yes, if you can't say something without thinking first, you are best just shutting up.

FluffyEwok · 15/11/2016 20:39

Well tonight my husband told me to stop wallowing. I don't think this marriage will last

Laiste · 15/11/2016 20:46

Cani ask, genuinely, when you are with family or friends who have babies, how do you feel most comfortable?

Personally speaking it was only the other people's pregnancy bit that bothered me when i was having my TTC struggles (same as other posters - happy smile in public, floods of tears in private) The announcement and then the pregnancy itself was always awful.

Once the baby arrived it was like a switch went off and i was genuinely fine and could hold the baby and watch the parents parenting no problem.

PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2016 20:48

I agree with laiste. Pregnancies are much harder to deal with than actual babies. I honestly don't mind friends moaning about how hard they're finding being a parent. I care about them and wouldn't want them to have to put on a front.

Laiste · 15/11/2016 20:52

Should add DH and i TTC for 4 years. In that time two SILs had babies plus countless friends and work mates ect. It was secondary infertility. Never did find out why. Did fall eventually naturally.

One SIL organised a massive family meal at restaurant to make the announcement. It was only a week after DH and i had had a late loss whole family had known about. Never forget that one. Holding back the tears as the scan pic went round the table.

fluffy Flowers

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 15/11/2016 22:38

Personally I find it far worse being round pregnant women than babies. Wanting to be pregnant, growing a baby, is such an elemental thing. Women and females of all species have been growing babies such the start of life on earth, and it's like a club you can never join. I couldn't look at my sister without filling up with her last one, especially given that he was unplanned. I couldn't be near her - I was sick with rage and envy. But I held him the day he was born and I love him so much. I love babies. I think that once the baby is here, he could be mine, IYSWIM? We all look very alike, so he feels like part of me too. I might pretend he's mine when I'm out with him sometimes

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 15/11/2016 22:40

Since the start of life on earth, not such.

MrEBear · 15/11/2016 23:08

Purple I had a similar run in with a hairdresser - she went down the road of suggesting IVF but I just didn't feel comfortable the way the conversation went - I've never been back.
I've had the usual "relax" rubbish do people not think couples are relaxed when they start out ttc?

Stupid things said after announcing pregnancy "hope its a girl" really I couldn't give a toss lets just hope it makes it after 4 years of trying and said to DH "Well Done" within my earshot he wasn't the one who did the multiple injections etc etc.