Aibu to ask people to share unhelpful things said and done by "friends" when hung through infertility hell

[Hestheoneandonly]

That really. Been suffering secondary infertility for quite some time. Sister suffered primary infertility for many years although happily had a DC this year (yay). But during that time I've been gobsmacked at people's thoughtlessness and insensitivity. Neither of us kept quiet about our struggles so it wasn't ignorance but some of the things I've heard people say or seen them do inc

DS really needs a little brother or sister

At least you can go out without worrying about a babysitter

Having two is so hard (I can guarantee it's not as hard as infertility)

You can always adopt

It's probably for the best at your age (piss off DM)

Just relax and it will happen (do you have a death wish)

Just be grateful and be thankful you have DS (yes it appears you actually do have a death wish)

I just wanted to tell you about the next easily achieved/we weren't really trying pregnancy to your face (just text me, even the most cursory glance at google would tell you this, yes I'm happy for you but would have appreciated time to sob uncontrollably in the privacy of my own home first)

Rocking up to my 40th birthday clearly pregnant having not bothered to prewarn me (thanks -yes you did wreck my night).

At least you have a lovely dog (yes really)

Are we the only ones with insensitive friends?

Recently when people have kept on asking why we haven't had another and said over the top things like "it's not fair to have one" or "you're getting too old" I've told them we've had a recent miscarriage. Probably a little unfair but it shuts them up and will maybe make them think twice about saying to to someone else.

I am the only one of my friends/peer group who is not a grandparent, when I'm asked "how many/do you have, grandchildren" I just reply "Moi, I'm far too young to be anyone's grandparent!"

I am so thrilled that my Ds and his lovely wife have now been approved to adopt, but I get quite angry with people who trt out the "have you thought about adoption?" it is not an easy route to take in any way at all!

A big to all those out there who have to deal with insensitive comments

I really don't think you can compare primary and secondary infertility both are shit and no one should ever have to experience either. No matter what the comments we receive from those who have no idea we need to stick together and support each other and make sure we look after ourselves. To everyone experiencing this devastating pain and loneliness big hugs

Well af turned up this morning after I was positive (as I quite often am) that I was pregnant this month. Dh said "oh well at least it's looking like you can drink at Xmas." What the actual fuck was he thinking?!

Oh bummymummy, the constant rollercoaster is shit 2weeks of trying not to get ur hopes up (but every now and then allowing itself the what if/calculating the due date) i had exactly the same this month )even a bit of what I think was implantation bleeding. Very heavy period 2days late (prob another chemical) convinced it was just to mess me up as I was just starting to see a future with an only screw Christmas hope you have cracked open the gin/wine/vodka tonight I hit the cocktails at the weekend

Hazel you sound like a fab mum. I cant tell my mum we're struggling x

If I hear any more stories about someone's friend who tried for years, suffered several failed IVF attempts, miscarried, and then just went on holiday and "relaxed" and it happened.

Ooooh if only she'd tried that first eh?!

If I'm told "Just get pissed / relax and it will happen" one more time.... NOT IT FUCKING WONT, NO AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL CAN UNBLOCK MY FALLOPIAN TUBES CAN IT?

There, that feels better. That video you linked above banana is heartbreaking. to all of you going through the same thing

"You should just stop trying. You're probably too stressed".

FUCK. OFF.

"OK, I'm just putting it out there. But... have you thought about adoption?"

Again, just fuck off.

"Well at least you and [DH] have other things in your life, like... hillwalking"

"Do you think it's your cycling to work that's causing all the miscarriages" said to me by another patient in the recurrent miscarriage clinic when I turned up carrying my cycle helmet

"I heard about this herbal preparation" and variants thereof

Will come back when got more time to read

I still shudder over a comment I made to a colleague years ago who told me that after ttc'ing for many years and being advised against IVF they were starting the adoption process. I said "have you tried putting your legs up in the air after sex?". What a fucking muppet. Wasn't that many years later that I realised a) it doesn't work and b) how staggeringly insensitive it was. Dickhead.

After telling my friend that we had been ttc for 2 years and had 3 failed tsi and 2 failed iuis - Oh I know, my periods can be irregular

Same friend - while she was pregnant with her 3rd and another woman we know was pregnant - "it's like just everyone is pregnant". Except me.

She's still my friend and when I got pregnant she was really supportive. She just didn't have a clue what infertility was like.

Others (from different people)

Me: "We're starting ivf next month"
Response "did the ivf clinic say that it could be stress related"
Me - "No, but they did mention it could have something to do with the actual medical issues I have".

"We talk about you all the time and to be honest, none of us think there is really anything wrong. You just need to set your mind to it."

And the old chestnut - "did I tell you about the couple that gave up trying and adopted and then had a surprise pregnancy, maybe you should stop trying"
Ok, we'll stop having sex.

He's the- the rollercoaster is the worst. I had a good two hour cry this morning.

Starting fertility treatment this month but pretty much zero hope it will work.

I think more months than not I'm pregnant and it doesn't get past that first stage so frustrating!

Oh bummymummy best of luck.

I RTFT after commenting and I just wanted to stick my oar in again to the people who go "oh isn't this a bit negative, it's a bit sad that you can't be happy for your pregnant friends?"

First thing: this is an anonymous forum. We've all gone around in our daily lives cheering on all our friends who're pregnant, making our grief manageable for them, putting on a brave face, and often getting hideously insensitive remarks back for our trouble. Here is a place to vent. It is not hurting any of our friends. This is a healthy thing.

Second thing: with the greatest of respect to others who're grieving for different reasons, there is something different about infertility. First of all it's not one of those near-inevitable rites of passage like burying your parents - I remember when my dad died, my friends looking at me with sort of respect that I'd been through this thing. "Wow, you did his eulogy, that's so brave", that sort of thing. You don't get respect for infertility, you get pity, with the slightest tinge of ridicule. It's treated like shagging fail, or something. Inability to be a successfully adult human female. People do not treat it in the same way. But also, it's a different thing you're losing - not a connection to someone you loved (although there's often that sense of loss of a baby never met) but also a large part of what your future was going to be is taken away. It's different. I think it could be better compared to disability, in that sense.

Third thing: you can claim all you like that if you were infertile you'd be the bigger person and genuinely celebrate your friends' pregnancies, but unless you've been through it, you don't know how you'd react. Anger's a legitimate part of grief. Infertile women are allowed to be angry.

(I was lucky, and after 3 miscarriages, 5 years of trying, and one cycle of IVF with PGD, I had twins. I remember getting the 6 week scan and the sonographer in the fertility clinic gave me the pictures to take away. "Wait," I said. "I'll pack them away in my bag. I don't want someone in the waiting room seeing me coming out with scan photos if they've just had bad news."
"That's very sensitive of you," she said.
"No," I replied, "not really. It's just that if it was the other way round, I'd probably want to punch me.")

Toomuch I think your post really hit the nail on the head. Bummymummy good luck with the treatment fingers crossed . We have our consultants appointment at the beginning of Dec to work out best way forward (only told one friend in RL as can't be doing with everyone automatically assuming it will work its bad enough DH seems to think this)

Some howlers after my second (late) miscarriage:

"Well, it's nature's way." (Nope. A miscarriage in the second trimester isn't "nature's way", it's a fucking catastrophe.)

"Next time you need to be really relaxed" Yes, that looks likely after losing my longed-for, much-loved baby several weeks after a great 12 week scan, I'm sure next time I'll be chilled as fuck

"Have you tried Chinese herbs?"

To be fair I'm sure these were all well-meaning (if clumsy) attempts at saying something positive, and the 'rational' part of my brain knows deep down that these people were just trying to be kind. But it's blood irritating nevertheless!

For everyone on this thread, I hope better times are coming for us all!

Thanks He's.

Too much you have it in a nutshell.

Am friends with a mother and daughter, when the daughter was expecting her second and I'd been ttc my second for about a year (a struggle all friends knew of) I was asked by the mother if I would pop round at the weekend to help them decorate a nursery for the new baby. And I went! Looking back on it now I'm annoyed, there were plenty others to ask to help. Not a malicious action but utterly thoughtless!

Exactly that toomuch. I wouldn't want to minimise anyone's grief for parents who have died. But you cannot compare it to infertility - with grief you get complete and genuine sympathy, rather than a load of unhelpful suggestions about what people think you should do. Infertility is seen by many as a failure and a bit embarrassing, that you're not a real woman or man if you can't procreate. Exactly like "you're not doing sex right" in fact.

toomuch, as everyone has said, is completely right and much more eloquent than I could ever be about it! The other thing about it that I think isn't comparable to regular grief is that with grief over a person you feel a bit better over time, sure you have your bad days but if you were to plot a graph over time it would have a slight upward trend on happiness. On the other hand, with infertility it seems to be downward, and I'm finding it harder and harder as time goes by to cope with, it just gets worse. It just takes and gives you nothing back in return. When I think how happy and optimistic I was entering my thirties, and compare it to how I ended them, and entered my forties, I'm just struck by the complete waste my life it has been (and continues to be). It's like one bad roll of the dice and the course of my whole life changed irreparably.

I've always thought that stories about people who decided to stop trying, "just relaxed" and then immediately got pregnant must be absolutely infuriating. Because it's predicated on the idea that the way to get pregnant is to stop thinking about getting pregnant. But obviously if the only reason for stopping thinking about getting pregnant is to get pregnant, then you really haven't stopped thinking about it, have you? It's a logical impossibility.

Sukey: "with grief you get complete and genuine sympathy"

In fact, this didn't happen to me. When my mum died at a young age, the comments I received from people were by and large unhelpful and often of the jollying-up kind.

I'm at the hairdressers. She's not my friend but I thought I'd share anyway...
Her: do you have kids?
Me: no, we've got some lovely pets though (talks a bit about said pets)
Her: but you haven't got kids though?
Me: still no.
Her: why not? Don't you want any?
Me in my head: We tried forever, it didn't work out and I can't talk about it without crying. It's absolutely none of your business because I met you five minutes ago and you can bugger off with your judgy tone.
Me in real life : well maybe at some point, I don't know.
Her: I just love kids. You should definitely have some.

I am now stuck in this chair with hair dye on for the next half an hour and I can't even say anything or the whole village which we have only just moved to will know we can't have kids. This is bloody awful.

Purple I'm sorry to hear that. That woman was rude. Anyone with an ounce of common sense or basic manners wouldn't have gone there....