to block ILs and say enough is enough?

[sphinxster]

ILs are heartbroken that DS (1 year) has my surname. This saga has been going on for a year, they cut contact for 6 months, DH had crisis talks with them, they met DS on 4 consecutive days over the summer holiday when we visited the area they live, DH & I send pictures and updates, DH thought things were slowly improving and we were all building a relationship.

We're repatriating back home, DH was asking them when they'd like to come and visit DS. Lots of excuses, DH kept badgering, in the end they said they didn't want to visit because they're still not comfortable with DS's name.

I'm finished... I'm drained by this! They won't see their grandson because he has his mothers surname. I want to block them so they can't contact me. DH can do what he wants but he wants me to continue to facilitate any visits they might want to make to DS in the future. I don't want to and this led to quite a serious argument.

Yes. That's something that came out of our bizarrely productive argument. We haven't mentioned them since the text messages and the big argument. I'm quietly fuming and DH is clearly heart broken but we're not going to talk about it. He knows my stance and I know he wants to keep flogging away at this abusive relationship. There's nothing more to talk about.

I'm sure it'll come up in the future when they reel him in and drop him again.

It's really shit when you know what's going to happen- it's waiting for the inevitable

Fume as much as you like, you're utterly entitled

As in "you're entitled to fume" - just to be totally clear!

wow I'm making friends today

A lot of identifiable info in here but bugger it, I've done nothing wrong!

DH and I have been through a shitting shitty shit year: DS was EMCS and in NICU with heart and breathing problems and contracted pneumonia, very close friends' baby passed away (our babies were six weeks apart), tenant wasn't paying rent, utilities, council tax and we had a bloody debt collection company after us for his debt (got it sorted), tenant was evicted but trashed the house, hired a decorator from a trade site and he's naffed off with £1000 deposit for the work (we're now going through a small claims court), I'm currently pregnant with #2 but have been diagnosed with placenta previa, we're about to move countries (our choice but we want to be at home), trying to sell cars, organise shipping, sort the cats out to bring with us....

This is the last thing either of us needs.

They were clearly looking for something to start a huge fall out over. If it hadn't been the surname thing, it would have been something else.

Jesus wept

And those ignorant, selfish bastards are carrying on with irrelevant shit and causing even more trouble?

Not surprised you're pissed off

Fox are you angling for a fight ... Seriously though, thank you.

Christ alive this is still going on?! You have the patience of a saint, time to shove it though, your ILs are twisted arseholes.

Oh and congratulations oh mini fluffy monkey balls number 2!

Is the new baby what kicked this off again?
Congratulations by the way!

Wow! And I thought my parents were bonkers!!

To the pp with the brothers children who were 'anointed' I've had same.

My daughters the eldest grandchild, adored for 4 years...until my sister had a boy! He was anointed and my daughter became persona non grata - at 4!

Op fuck em, you don't need the stress. Block and ignore and frankly I'd be getting pretty pissed off with the husband too. If he wants to still have contact with these twats fine but he doesn't involve you OR the dc as they're clearly emotionally damaging!

Do they know about dc2? (Huge congrats btw )

Please please don't let this fabulous time be marred by these arsewipes. We're in a vaguely similar position, I'm 6/40 so know that at some point we're going to have to tell them

I can't be pissed off with him. He's heart broken and his parents are abusers. I can't make him feel like a shit within our family unit too.

This new baby is just a girl so they shouldn't be too bothered by it.

Holy fuck Sphinx, that really is heartbreaking your poor dd

Congratulations to you too, fox

Aw, thank you

YANBU! Enough really is enough (I remember your last thread)

And your DS does have their name! But he has yours as well. And they've taken such strong exception to this, not for any real reason but because this is their hobby - having some spurious issue so they can think they're justified in trying to bully and manipulate their DS. What horrible people!

I'd say don't bother with them for now. But if and when they want to see their grandson then why not? You don't have to put up with their crap but eventually they'll realise his name wont be changed and will want to see him. Be the bigger person here. Your DH is obviously close to his parents but he should give up inviting them to visit: their loss.
Try not to discuss it with your DH too much. Let it drop for now.

why is it that the 'bigger people' usually end up the ones getting walked over?

Her DH is not close to his parents. He's desperate for their love and unconditional acceptance while they jerk him around. There's little of love, safety or coziness comes over in sphinxster's posts.

Ilangennith I'm not sure what gave you the impression DH is close to his parents. As seaeaglefeather says he's desperate to have their acceptance and love. That's quite fucked up, I'm not desperate for my family's acceptance and love because I have it. And why not let them visit when they decide they want to see the children? Because they're emotionally manipulative, unstable, cruel, nasty, uncaring, lacking in empathy, narcissistic liars... if they can treat their own child this way I don't want them near mine.

I am the bigger person, I don't need to appease these people to continue being the bigger person.

Well said sphinx

Be the bigger person? Balls to that. They are manipulative, abusive nightmares who, given the chance, will manipulate and abuse your children. Maybe not physically, but they will shite all over their mental health and sense of self. Why would anyone allow that to achieve some mythical moral superiority?
Grandmother (my mum's egg donor) is a similar creature. You can't win with that sort of yowling narcissistic void, all you can do is refuse to engage in the game and protect your children at all costs. This is not about the name, this is about them pulling strings to make the puppets dance.

Your DH needs some talking therapy OP, an external voice to let him know his parents are not normal. You are entirely correct in your decision to keep them far away from your son and future daughter (congratulations!).

if they can treat their own child this way I don't want them near mine.

I agree with this. Sounds to me like they want a rise out of you/your DH. They think their behaviour will put them in control. I think blocking them might be the wake up call they need. But it's probably too late at this point anyway, isn't it? Could you ever really trust them with regard to your children if they can behave in such an awful way to a small child because they haven't had their own way over something so trivial? Your children need stable relationships, not grandparents who are in and out of their lives when it suits them or when they can cope with the names they have. I'd block.

Thank you!

I'm fed of this be the bigger person crap. It was being the bigger person that landed me in a house of people who despise me for half a week in the summer... I wouldn't mind if it'd helped the situation but it hasn't. So no, never again. I have the moral high ground, I have done nothing wrong.

These people have chosen not to have a relationship with their grandchild because they don't like his surname or for whatever reason. That's their own choice. They've treated their own child appallingly and have been deliberately cruel in an attempt to make him feel like he's done something terrible. What sane person would allow people like that to influence their own children.

I think it's quite interesting that even the most..liberal? ..posters cannot come up with a reasoned argument on his parents behalf. Your I.l.'s are doing something which is controlling and hurtful, ( again), as a punishment..for something which doesnt materially affect them. So its a perceived rather than a real slight.

I think my real fear with the pattern if their behaviour would be that they are thinking they are playing the "long game" and when they think your children are old enough they will want to "reason with them" to win them back into what they perceive as " their" family.