to block ILs and say enough is enough?

[sphinxster]

ILs are heartbroken that DS (1 year) has my surname. This saga has been going on for a year, they cut contact for 6 months, DH had crisis talks with them, they met DS on 4 consecutive days over the summer holiday when we visited the area they live, DH & I send pictures and updates, DH thought things were slowly improving and we were all building a relationship.

We're repatriating back home, DH was asking them when they'd like to come and visit DS. Lots of excuses, DH kept badgering, in the end they said they didn't want to visit because they're still not comfortable with DS's name.

I'm finished... I'm drained by this! They won't see their grandson because he has his mothers surname. I want to block them so they can't contact me. DH can do what he wants but he wants me to continue to facilitate any visits they might want to make to DS in the future. I don't want to and this led to quite a serious argument.

Wow, so many responses, thank you.

Dude, the silent Skype saga was during the time they wouldn't speak to us but would Skype to stare an immobile baby.. it was very bizarre. During one of these calls my husband told them about our very close friends' baby who had passed away at 2 months old. He was was 6 weeks younger than our DS and both of them had been NICU babies. His parents hung up the phone/computer on him.

Mouse we didn't hyphenate because we didn't want to. I have the same surname as my father AND my mother because that's the decision they made when they named me and the decision they made when they got married... That surname is now MY surname... Exactly the same for DH. Lots of children don't have the same name as one parents they share genes with. DS does have both parents' names though.

Jupiter if I block them from contacting me it leaves DH being the sole communicator with his side of the family. As for DS, he's not really got a relationship with his extended family though, has he? They refuse to see him.

Ethel, Sixties thank you

I don't understand how your husband isn't raging over this. They have met your son, your perfect and wonderful and amazing son, & he is not enough for them to get over his name. What a fucking insult. They've met him FFS, rejecting him now is personal.

Winter we're moving closer! But that leaves them short on excuses why they can't see their GC and they've had to admit they just don't want to see him.

I have no idea what DH is expected to do to appease them but he's said himself that he doesn't want to alter DS's name. As other's have said, if it wasn't this it'd be something else.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. What I want to do is take the fuck you stance. Why should I even risk these people damaging my child or his self esteem.

There really are some absolute crazies out there! These stories are

Penguin my own dad may have said something similar but not to DH.

They sent him a first birthday card saying "our love has no boundaries" I didn't know whether to laugh or post it straight back to them.

They sound bonkers.
My two DCs (10 & 5) don't know my DH mother exists and it will remain that way. She chose to disown DH because he sent his sisters card in the post! He offered an olive branch but he went NC after she didn't turn up at our wedding (12 years ago). Would definitely do NC now while your son is so small, you don't miss what you have never had.

YOu have tried, and now step away. It is up to your dh to facilitate contact with his parents, not you!

I truly don't understand some people! Bobo "because he sent a card in the post" what?

Aeroflot I've spent a year supporting him and doing what I can to help fix this relationship. It obviously hasn't worked and I don't want to waste anymore of my time on it. Step away... Run for the hills more like!

Ok I haven't rtft.
My advice is this:
fuckemfuckemfuckem Repeat this until you feel better.
DH does not need to 'appease' them, this is not his problem to fix. This a problem of their own devising.
This is YOUR child. You & DH need to justify nothing.
If things ever improve NEVER leave DS alone with these emotionally abusive dysfunctional tits.

Yes definitely step away and let your dh deal with them by himself.

PS Did chuckle about your crisps comment!

fc that's something I said at the start of all this and I still maintain: they will never be left on their own with any children we have ... or even the cats.

When they first met DS in the summer, when they were complete strangers to him, I stood him opposite them and was walking him slowly towards them saying "it's gran and grandad" etc... DH's mum grabbed DS off me, picked him up and walked away from me. Can you even imagine how scary that must've been for a 9 month old. Total disregard for the effect something might have on another being.

Absolutely. And it takes seconds for them to 'drip poison' in his ears about you, neatly wrecking your relationship and his stability.
DH wishes your DS could have a relationship with the GPs he WISHES they were. They're not. You are under no obligation to maintain this relationship for the sake of your son.

Fuckem indeed. You can't win with them, don't even try playing.

Id be glad to get rid of them op, they don't deserve you or your son!

And people like this are the reason I continue to advocate grandparents having absolutely no rights at all over grandchildren...

So your husband's surname is part of your DS's name but they object to yours being involved as well? They sound fucking nuts and you're better off out of it. I wonder how it escaped their notice that babies are automatically given their mother's name in hospital and then it's decided afterwards what their name will be on the birth certificate. Their idea that you've done something illegal is so ignorant it's laughable.

What a horrible position you're in. I do very much sympathise with your DH wanting to have a relationship with his parents but you and DS must come first, you're his immediate family.

They sound completely batshit. You're right not to let DS become entangled in their crazy.

DD has my surname, and only mine. DH wanted this and will also be taking my name at some point. DH is from a different country, and there it is virtually unheard of for s wife not to change her name, and unthinkable that a child wouldn't have their father's name.

MIL was very supportive and accepting, but still struggles a bit to get her head around it. Sometimes cards come to DD or I addressed with both surnames, DH's then mine. I'm ok with this because I know that it isn't manipulative, it's just a lifetime of habit that is difficult to unlearn.

FIL initially was very unimpressed, but the realised that DD is a girl who won't carry forward his surname when she gets married, so it didn't matter so much. I'm sure if we had a boy he would have gone batshit. We didn't bother to point out the irony of his logic!

Don't give in, and hopefully your DH can stand up to them. If they are willing to not have contact over a name, then they are not nice people, and children don't need people like that in their lives.

Opps. Sorry for typos!

They've broken DH's heart and they've done it deliberately.

Telling your son you don't want to see him and trying to make him feel like he's done something really terrible when he hasn't. They're disgusting people.

I wouldn't want any further contact with them and I certainly wouldn't let them near my children, because they are likely to reject them too. If your DH wants a relationship with them, that's fine, but he does it alone. Tbh at this stage I wouldn't even want to discuss it further. You have tried to be the bigger person. They threw it back in your face. You cannot negotiate with batshit.

Right I think I've got how the surnames are working.

We have Mum Smith and Dad Jones. These are OPs parents.

OP is therefore OP Jones Smith (no hyphen)

DH is DH Brown.

DS is therefore DS Brown Jones (again no hyphen)

Is that right?

I've not RTFT but I've seen your previous posts. These people are batshit control freaks. The name thing is almost a red herring. What sane person would actually care that much and let that stop them from having a relationship with their dgc? That's NOT NORMAL! Even if you managed to build bridges over the name, they'd only find something else to hold you hostage about. Sorry to say these people will never have a healthy relationship with you and any DGC. Break contact and stop them from overshadowing your life

This is going to sound ridiculously simple, but could you and dh just not talk about them? Concentrate on being a happy family, getting on with normal life and just not bring them up?

I know it's easier said than done (dh speaks to his "mother" once a week and I just ask if they are ok, but apart from that they just don't feature in our collective lives). But it saves on a hell of a lot of arguments and reinforces that his parents are not normal.

Sorry, ^ sounds really idealistic and preachy, I'm just saying that, so far, this has worked reasonably well and has reduced the arguments