to block ILs and say enough is enough?

[sphinxster]

ILs are heartbroken that DS (1 year) has my surname. This saga has been going on for a year, they cut contact for 6 months, DH had crisis talks with them, they met DS on 4 consecutive days over the summer holiday when we visited the area they live, DH & I send pictures and updates, DH thought things were slowly improving and we were all building a relationship.

We're repatriating back home, DH was asking them when they'd like to come and visit DS. Lots of excuses, DH kept badgering, in the end they said they didn't want to visit because they're still not comfortable with DS's name.

I'm finished... I'm drained by this! They won't see their grandson because he has his mothers surname. I want to block them so they can't contact me. DH can do what he wants but he wants me to continue to facilitate any visits they might want to make to DS in the future. I don't want to and this led to quite a serious argument.

He means that when they decide they want to visit, I should open the front door to them and put on a smile, make them welcome... I will if DS and I get an apology.

I want to block them from contacting me via the phone and messaging apps.

No! You can't do that, welcome them with a smile when they decide to act like normal human beings.

They've done a number on your DH, and they'll do it to your DS too if you let them.

You've the perfect get out of jail free card here to not have to deal with their batshittedness - take it and run!

Hmmm, I've tried 'the pity them' and 'be the bigger person' approach but it just enables their behaviour.

I spend four days in a house of people who despise me (because I named my son after me) so that they could form a relationship with my son (whose name is so horrific) and to mend their relationship with my DH. It was horrible. I won't do that again. Nor will I welcome them into my home.

I remember your other threads about this too - particularly the silent Skype sessions!

I can't believe this is still going on a year later.

Is their problem that your DS has a different surname from his dad (and them - ie. not carrying on the family name) or is there something about the name itself they do not like?

"he said he can't think of essentially not having a family."

Who the fuck are you & his son then??

They cut contact for 6months & then he had crisis talks with them??

He needs some help to see through all of this.

That's exactly what I said to DH last night, Tiggy! His relationship with them is abusive and I won't have my children exposed to it.

I'd leave your DH to have whatever relationship he wants with them, but keep your DS away from them until they learn how to treat a child and not be cruel.

I remember them .... I wouldn't have them in the house either.

How dare they take this out on a small baby?

They will not give and take love whenever it suits them, like they do with DH.

This isn't love. This is an exercise of power. I wonder if your husband is their belonging in their minds, not a person in his own right.

I think you are absolutely right to back away from them and honestly, I think you need to keep your son away from them too. Your husband can't protect himself, he's not able to; nor can he protect his own son. You need to do that for him.

But to ask you to welcome them into the house - that's almost as mad as they are.

Whistle, yes! Their problem is that DS doesn't have their name. He won't carry the family name on, and it's just not right for a child to take a mother's name, in fact they even suggested we'd broken the law and that at birth DS would automatically have DH's name and we fraudulently changed it!!!!

Hi sphinx

re your comment:-
"Attila, it's so difficult trying to make him see reason when it comes to these people. I know they're his parents, I've tried to be supportive but this has been a fucking year now!!"

And it will be more of the same from them going forward, you are right in acting decisively now re your child. You need to keep on reaffirming and reinforcing your own boundaries here. If his parents do not want a relationship with him because of your surname then that is their problem and not yours to own in any way. If it was not the surname, they would have thrown their toys out of the pram over something else you both did or did not do. They see DH and in turn your son as an extension of them, that's the real heart of the matter here.

Your DH has been well trained by his parents to serve them, he is still wanting to do that. Part of him probably wishes that you could all get along so he does not have to deal with this issue at all.

Sphinx; you will never receive an apology of any sort from his parents for the ways in which they have behaved. People like his parents are not happy nor are emotionally healthy.

If, (IF) they visit , that is them backing down.

Refusing to accept someone's climb down is stubborn.

Welcoming them in on 'their terms' would be agreeing to change your Ds's name.

All you have to do is be polite.

But, it may well never happen. Cross the bridge when / if it happens.

Also, apparently my dad already has grandchildren so DS should be more special to them!!
None of my dad's other grandchildren have his name. DS only has his surname because it's the same as mine!!
And they aren't titled, or have a surname of historical or cultural importance.

Unbelievable.

I think you probably realise now that it was wrong to engage with them at all, until they apologised for their stupid behaviour.

I would go completely NC with them now. Enough is enough. And to be honest I'd expect some solidarity from DH as well.

Your DH has a family; you and your son. He does not need his parents approval but he is part of the problem here because he still seeks this from them. He still wants to serve them, unfortunately they trained him and from birth onwards.

He may never want to see these people, his parents, for the dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy people they really are. His own perceptions are warped as well with his wanting you to welcome them when they do deign to visit.

Blu, I don't think that is backing down. I think that is them attempting to gain control again. Weeding back in so they can begin emotionally manipulating again.

Attila is right, they won't change. They see their children as possessions. The thought our DS would belong to them.

I cannot believe people would cut themselves off from their DGC because they disagreed with his name! Cutting off their noses, I think.

Choices:

1. they decide to have no contact
2. they decide to have contact and deal with the name
3. DH guilts you into changing your child's name so that his parents (who you don't like) will condescend to spend time with your child.

Hmmmm....

Again sphinx, dysfunctional people like his parents do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. If you're waiting for an apology then you are waiting in vain for that.

Your DH and in turn your son are seen by his parents as an extension of them.

How sad that a jumbled set of letters can cause such heartache....and that is all a name is really. A jumbled set of letters.

They must have swinging bricks instead of hearts If they spent four days with their GS, getting to know him yet continue punishing him, an innocent little boy, for having his mothers surname.
You are right in protecting him from them. I feel sorry for your DH, he must feel dreadful knowing how awful they are.

I think it is 'normal' to want to have a family beyond the mini-family of one's partner and child.

One of the joy of having a child is the sense of the generations continuing, the pleasure that it brings not just to oneself, but to relatives.

Since having my daughter many years ago, I gradually began to realise that the way my parents had brought me up was - to put it mildly - very odd indeed.

However, I didn't go down the no contact route - although visits were and are a source of some difficulty.

I think there's also the question of loyalty to a partner. It is possible to love people who are very difficult indeed, and who have behaved badly.

So while the inlaws behaviour is wholly unreasonable, for me it would be a question of how best to model reasonable behaviour - and not let oneself be manipulated into behaviour that showed equal unreason.

Their loss. I wouldn't block them though, in your position I would leave all communication up to DH.

They are being petulant by not taking you up on the offer on seeing your DS.

Are you moving back to your home country? i.e. away from them? might that also be a reason for their behaviour?

Why did DS take your name? Don't you use your husband's name either? Just curious, I feel like we're missing some information that might make their behaviour seem less ridiculous, as it's such a non-issue!

Hang on, is this Fluffy Monkey Balls?! He has both names, doesn't he?

Can't believe this batshittery is still going on

Unless your name is Hitler, Farage or Trump they have created a whole new level of unreasonable.

DH does not want to change DS's surname. It was a joint decision and we're both happy with it... Just to clarify that!

I am unfortunately not all that surprised that this is ongoing.

His parents will continue to bash you re this surname for the rest of their days. If it was not the surname it would be something else. All you can do Sphinx is maintain and reinforce your own set boundaries (that you have already mentioned). Block them indeed from contacting you. Self preservation is necessary.