to block ILs and say enough is enough?

[sphinxster]

ILs are heartbroken that DS (1 year) has my surname. This saga has been going on for a year, they cut contact for 6 months, DH had crisis talks with them, they met DS on 4 consecutive days over the summer holiday when we visited the area they live, DH & I send pictures and updates, DH thought things were slowly improving and we were all building a relationship.

We're repatriating back home, DH was asking them when they'd like to come and visit DS. Lots of excuses, DH kept badgering, in the end they said they didn't want to visit because they're still not comfortable with DS's name.

I'm finished... I'm drained by this! They won't see their grandson because he has his mothers surname. I want to block them so they can't contact me. DH can do what he wants but he wants me to continue to facilitate any visits they might want to make to DS in the future. I don't want to and this led to quite a serious argument.

I don't use my DH's name either OP, not everyone wants to change their name when they get married

I reported it to the bank that it was not his real name. They could not give me any information on the account like account numbers etc due to data protection. They sent us the letter accidentally. It should have been sent to my DH's parents not us. Whether they took it further I do not know.

It was so long ago and at that point both my husband and myself were scared of them, so were afraid to report it for fear of them coming to our house again. It's been too long now but if we ever receive anything again, I'd consider it. A lot of what they do is just to get at us.

Is your dh happy with your child having your surname? If so it is no one else's business. I'm not sure why you wouldn't hyphenate or something so the child could have both parents' names as he has their genes. Presumably you have your father's surname?

What is the cultural norm where your PILs live? Is it unheard of for a child to be named after his mother unless the father will not allow his name to used?

I can see where they are coming from (sort of). They feel you are rejecting their family name by not allowing it to be passed onto the next generation. For centuries children, and wives, have taken the man's family name. Its quite a recent thing in the west that this has stopped.

So, I can see why they may not feel comfortable. I can even see why they might blame you, as presumably their son wouldn't have been against giving his child his name but has given it up for you? However, their behaviour and reaction is ridiculously over the top, and is inexcusable.

If you block them, where will this end for your DS and your DH? Will it further reduce your Ds's chances of getting to know his extended family? Will it put your DH in an awful situation which he has tried really hard to avoid? Is that fair?

I remember your previous thread op, and thought you were extremely patient with them.....more than I would have been!

I think this is not about your child having YOUR surname, but rather about DS having THEIR surname so that they can claim ownership of him/property of theirs, and control him, in that he is carrying on the family name and that they can dictate to him (and you and DH) through him.

As other PP's have said - let your DH deal with them totally, and just have nothing, nothing, nothing, to do with them - and I include your DS in that too.

OP I remember your previous threads.

And I am sorry, I am really really sorry that you don't have the respectful, supportive in law relationship you deserve, that your husband doesn't have the loving, accepting parental relationship he deserves and your child (and potential future children) doesn't have the loving, accepting, supportive relationship with their grandparents they deserve.

And I am sorry that their behaviour may be causing a strain on your marriage as you grapple with being scapegoated while your husband struggles to re-evaluate his relationship with his parents, which even if he is emotionally mature enough to deal with appropriately, will be painful.

It's rough, and you need to make some time to grieve it, while supporting your husband to grieve this loss to.

I am also sorry that your in laws have chosen to be so batshit. It is very hard to get appropriate support in RL when you have in laws who are being awful in odd ways. It is quite taboo to criticise in laws and other parental figures for doing anything less than physically abusing you in RL, and it is a real burden to bear.

Just to give you some examples, I have been accused of being responsible for big, bad family rows with the ILs for the following:
Accepting a lift from my mother
Not liking cats
Being cross with DH that he hadn't sorted out train tickets for a trip

That is a minor selection, but I hope it will illustrate the point that it really doesn't matter what you do, they will always find something.

They have very conviniently found an excuse to behave badly, that they can blame you for. It is very important neither you nor your husband accept the blame for this.

Have you considered couples counselling, more aimed at helping your DH deal with the situation and learn how to deal with his rejection by his parents in a constructive way.

It sounds like you have tried low contact, it hasn't really worked, and if they are saying they don't want to see you anyway, its time to just accept that relationship with ILs is over.

I'm not sure why you wouldn't hyphenate or something so the child could have both parents' names as he has their genes. Presumably you have your father's surname?

WTF?!

The mistake here was to keep up communications of any sort. These people never apologised nor accepted any responsibility for their actions have they?. Your H was wrong also in thinking that things were improving because his parents were still the same. He still wants their approval on some level so keeps trying with them regardless. I would also think he is very much in a FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) state still with regards to them

^^ Yep this in a nutshell. Your DH shouldn't have panicked and played hard ball with them and said - ok you don't want to see and have relations with your family because of your gc name, well fuck you then. "

Op not read whole thread but it sounds like you are moving? this is the best thing move elsewhere and get on with your life. Tell your DH to do one, over his parents and ask him why he is so afraid of them, and is this what he wants his own child to see - and would he be happy if his son has same relationship with him in future.

My first reaction reading this was to say, you need to have some indication from them that they have got past this, then allow them to visit DS with DH and you can be busy/minimal contact, if that is your DH wish. Don't block them out.

But really a year of this!! And DS has both your names!!! The more I think of this the more it is just beyond ridiculous. Make sure it is clear that they are choosing this, not you. If you did see them more this won't be the last thing.

And they aren't titled, or have a surname of historical or cultural importance.

Oh are they 'important' people ?

I would add Prince to your DS's name

I didn't take DHs surname when we got married. This pissed the idiot ILs off no end even though the fuckers refused to come to our wedding, but that is another story and they still address all cards to Mr & Mrs DH surname. When DD was born the first thing they asked was what her surname was. I confirmed it was his but her middle name is my surname. I sweetly told them well she will always be a crazycat but one day when she gets married she will change her name so won't be their fucking surname but then I am a spiteful bitch when it comes to them

crazycat.

spend four days in a house of people who despise me (because I named my son after me) so that they could form a relationship with my son (whose name is so horrific) and to mend their relationship with my DH. It was horrible. I won't do that again.

^ you are a very strong person op

And they aren't titled, or have a surname of historical or cultural importance.

Pretty big on the self importance!

bobble can your children at 18 even access the accounts the GPs set up for them, if they are in the wrong name?!

They made their bed, now they must lie in it. I think you've done very well not stopping contact before now.

Good Lord your ILs are morons, like just about everyone else on this thread I'd take the 'fuck you' stance and leave them to their own petty little existences. If your partner wants to continue battling for their acceptance then that should be up to him (and I totally understand why he would, they are his parents after all) but he can't really expect you to keep trudging along behind him and jumping through hoops to appease them and incidentally WTF are they expecting you to do? Change the poor child's name?

So in sum, shrug your shoulders, stick 2 fingers up at them and skip off into the sunset.

SeaEagle I don't know if they have even set up the younger child an account but as there is nothing to say the oldest ever had a different name (other than the illegal birth certificate they have - our originals were destroyed), there is nothing to prove that the account belongs to him, so I doubt it. They must have got our youngest child's birth certificate to know the middle name.

My mate's inlaws didn't speak to her or acknowledge her son for six months because she 'gave him a Catholic name'.

She actually gave him the name of the patron saint where they're all from, which is not a Catholic country. Thick and bigoted...nice combo.

Sounds a lot like the evil Rob on the Archers who calls the baby named Jack 'Gideon'

I do feel really sorry for some people who post on here with such awful relations, I have few and it makes life a lot more pleasant!

Namechange fail, OP.

I'd back away fast... they sound like fruitloops

Your in laws are very clearly twats of the highest order, but my advice would be do nothing, don't block them just ignore any contact from them and any others who you dislike. Blocking them and telling them they can't visit etc puts the ball in your court (although totally justified) so I'd leave it as their decision to not visit, that way you maintain the moral highground with them and it's less stressful for your dh. Forget about them, it's their loss, just put them behind you and move on with your lives and enjoy your ds. Let your dh work out the truth about his parents in his own time, it's not easy. I would try to avoid mentioning them at all unless at some point they do decide to visit at that point you say calmly, yes if they apologise and agree to no further mention of ds's surname, otherwise no thanks. What a shame you're moving closer to them.

My parents are similar to your DH's. My they were miffed when my SIL did not change her surname publically on marriage for example.

When I had my first child (only grandchild) they adored my DS, were here every few days, for years. Then there was an unexpected change.

Why? Because a new DGS was born, he is my brothers son and he carries on the family name. He is now crowned prince of their kingdom.

YANBU block away.
Have read the old threads it sounds like the situation has gone backwards.
These crisis talks clearly didn't resolve anything and the relationship has not been improving, the ILs have not apologised, they are continuing as they want to and DH is trying to gain their approval.
Go back to the old threads and remember what steps your DH was going to do.
I know counselling was suggested, he could do well with this to help him stand up for himself. He is also over thinking the benefit of these GPs in your DSs life. Grandparents are NOT a necessity, they are usually a bonus but here there is no bonus to bringing this level of batshit crazy into DS's life and it will get worse as he gets older and wants to engage with them.

Personally I'd go NC until they apologise and accept that DS has both of your names. It's gone on too long.

My MIL told me that I wasn't a real