to block ILs and say enough is enough?

[sphinxster]

ILs are heartbroken that DS (1 year) has my surname. This saga has been going on for a year, they cut contact for 6 months, DH had crisis talks with them, they met DS on 4 consecutive days over the summer holiday when we visited the area they live, DH & I send pictures and updates, DH thought things were slowly improving and we were all building a relationship.

We're repatriating back home, DH was asking them when they'd like to come and visit DS. Lots of excuses, DH kept badgering, in the end they said they didn't want to visit because they're still not comfortable with DS's name.

I'm finished... I'm drained by this! They won't see their grandson because he has his mothers surname. I want to block them so they can't contact me. DH can do what he wants but he wants me to continue to facilitate any visits they might want to make to DS in the future. I don't want to and this led to quite a serious argument.

This is Fluffy MonkeyBalls, right? And your son has your husband's name but ALSO has yours?

They are batshit.

If they contact your husband, he can facilitate their visit. If he does, cool courtesy would be appropriate. In the meantime you are perfectly entitled to block them on your own accounts/phone.

Hope your husband has your back on this.

We've been living overseas, we're moving back to our home country but nowhere near either set of parents or family.

I have my name, DH has his name, and yes, AyeAmarok is correct, DS is fluffy monkey balls and does in fact have two surnames but not hyphenated,,, a bit spanishy.

The issue is that he has my surname.

My DC has my name as well as DHs, IL's on use their surname! They're lovely people though so I let it slide.

It's not like I can or would stop DS dropping my surname when he's older, but why would he if he has no connection to his dad's family.

I can't believe this is still going on................

I remember your earlier threads, and did wonder about you and what was it little monkey balls?

I think you DH needs some therapy, he needs help to see that this is not normal behaviour.

2 of my DN's have 'interesting' names, it took a few weeks to get used to them now they so suit their very unique names, I can't imagine them been called anything else.

Sorry to hear this is still going on. Can't believe they won't see you DS just because of his name. How ridiculous can you get?????

Slightly tongue-in-cheek suggestion, but would your DH take your name too? Then you'd all have the same name. Would love to see their reaction to that!

(Many apols if that is too flippant, but the thought crossed my mind.)

I think you ought to quietly contact your IL and confide in them that the reason your child has your name is that you are not 100% sure that he is DHs child. That should send them packing for ever............

Seriously, do not give in over this. If you did then there would be another stick to beat you both with like his schooling, the way you cut his hair, the clothes he wears, the way he speaks..........The list is endless, but there will ALWAYS be something.

Oh it's you again! Honestly you've been more than fair. Very very generous actually. Yes you need to protect your child from the bat shit. Its not ok to love children or gc conditionally. Your dc mustnt grow up thinking that. Lots of mners on the relationships board recommend books by Susan Forward about toxic parents and ILs. Could you get one each for you and DH?

viques - lol!

My husband took my surname at marriage. His relationship with his parents had been rocky for a while and they wanted nothing to do with me. Even when I was pregnant, they didn't want to know me and expected my husband to take the baby to see them very regularly when the baby was born (without me). That never happened! We tried to make things work but his parents have the attitude of their way or no way.

We got married when the baby was 5 months old and my husband took my surname and the baby's surname was changed to my surname on his new birth certificate. We had considered a random surname but my husband wanted my name.

His parents would occasionally send cards to the baby (filled with crap about us) but addressed using their surname! They bought his birth certificate at some point after he was born and have kept it. It's an illegal document. They did the same when our next child was born. They sent cards addressed to both children using their surname.

They told my husband they will all always be their surname no matter what. Well they aren't. The bank account they opened for the oldest is in the wrong name. We know they did this as we received a letter from the bank with the baby's old name and we couldn't understand why as we waited until he was around a year old before opening a bank account for him. The bank account would have been opened after his name was changed.

We have tried on many occasions to sort the issues with his parents but they don't believe they have ever done anything wrong. It's what they want or nothing. I've given up now. 9 years after it began, I've stopped convincing my husband to try and sort things. He hasn't tried since I convinced him last. I sometimes wonder how he can be happy without them, as I can't imagine not talking to my parents but he says we are all he needs.

One day your DH will click and his attitude towards them will change. You have done nothing wrong in giving your baby your surname.

You need to stick to your guns on this. Your dh is deep in FOG. It is completely unreasonable to expect you to welcome them with open arms after this, even if you do get a grovelling apology

couldnt you just hyphenate the surname for the sake if peace? (Then never use it on anything ever again apart from their xmas and birthday cards?)
Please don't all jump on me it was just a thought Fwiw I think they are crazy too.

Oooo just read your other post! Please disregard my earlier one now! they are completely bonkers mad and you need to all cut your losses and stay away!!!

They are BONKERS.

Are you the poster who posters named the bay something great like Monkey Cabbage Soup?

If so, keep yourself and your baby away until forever. I'd be tempted to law dh pack it in with them too.

Crisis talks for fucks sake.

Time, I love your suggestion, I wish DH would take my surname.

Viques, brilliant

Redexpat, I've got mine maybe one for DH can go in his Christmas stocking.

Bobble, what? Just, what? Can't you get them charged for fraud for opening up an account in a false name.

Patricia, I was about to say not a chance will I compromise on my child's name for those people but then read your second post

Fluffy Monkey Balls!!!!of course .

They are going to regret that decision for the rest of their lives. PARTICULARLY as you are about to move away and they won't have the same contact with your DH. I wouldn't cut contact as it is clearly a mistake on their part. But you don't have to keep going to them. You're side of the effort is done imo.

But on the other hand let them come to you when they're over their sanctimonious bull crap.

Fluffy monkey balls

We're moving closer to them. A drive rather than a flight away. DH thought they'd visit him now he's back in the homeland but it's just forced them to admit they don't want to see him.

And the blocking will involve BIL and his wife too, who are enablers and messengers. DH can keep in touch but I don't want to hear from any of them.

What was the story with the silent skype calls? I am curious and cannot find it on advance search.

I am so sorry this has happened. Your poor DH. But I am a firm believer in dropping the dead donkey where toxic family is concerned - easier said than done I know. I have seen my loved ones deeply hurt too many times by trying to maintain relationships with narcissists and manipulators.

to you

Oh that is gutting for your DH. Poor bloke. But he has got MN on his side as a consolation prize.

Why did DS take your name? Don't you use your husband's name either? Just curious, I feel like we're missing some information that might make their behaviour seem less ridiculous, as it's such a non-issue!

I don't be see how any of that matters?!