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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
PNGirl · 16/12/2016 11:36

Well, it was a choice between precious fairy DD1 getting a bus or his current partner and young daughter. DD1 won. This would be the end of the road for me!

dowhatnow · 16/12/2016 12:21

I think you need to change the emphasis. Tell him that whatever he does with them is his choice and nothing to do with you. That isn't the issue at all. What is the issue is that he is not operating anything like as a family should, with regard to you and DD.

DD is not being parented by a proper father. She needs him - and you need a proper partner. She needs a dad around when she is having breakfast and tea. His adult daughters don't need him. They are adults. They can get a bus. Your DD does need him. It doesn't matter that he likes taking them in the morning. Tough. DD's need to have a father around, trumps the likes of her father and the other adults likes, to have a lift.

He needs to work out what his priorities are. A small dd has needs that need to be met, and more so because there are SN involved. His grown up dd's do not have needs, they are wants and should come second.

Take the emotions out of it. Talk about the practicalities and what is fair in practical terms.

At the very least I'd want to stop all morning lifts as that really isn't necessary. And lifts home from Uni. They can get the bus easily. Other lifts where there isn't alternative transport I'd have less of an issue with as that is being a good dad. But not every night.

They get themselves to and from Uni or game over. One day a week to yourselves to plan things. DD gets one hour at least every single night.
Don't let it gradually slip. You are in the strong position here. He accepts your terms or he's out.

You think he's a nice man and can't say no but he can't be, as he has no problem saying no to you.

dowhatnow · 16/12/2016 12:23

Well, it was a choice between precious fairy DD1 getting a bus or his current partner and young daughter. DD1 won. This would be the end of the road for me!

So true. Tell him exactly that.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/12/2016 12:25

Sorry I have to be harsh Sunflower, but you are being a doormat for him, you know he will never change, it will be brief and that's it, he will go back to his old ways. DD is an adult, she is capable of taking the bus or taxi to uni, it is unacceptable behaviour on your dp part. This would be a dealbreaker for me now, your dd deserves much better than this, and if you stay, you and dd will be at the bottom of the pile all the time. You have a choice, to start a new life without this idiot in it, do it!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/12/2016 12:39

Can I ask what are you doing on Christmas day, is he spending it with you?

Lovewineandchocs · 16/12/2016 13:41

By his choice and actions today, he has proven that he does not at all understand your feelings or where you are coming from. The last month's changes were simply to placate you and he has now reverted back to his old ways and got angry when challenged. Now you need to make a decision-is this how you want yours and your DD's life to be from now on? I think you know what you need to do. So sorry sunflowerFlowers

Atenco · 16/12/2016 13:46

It just struck me that, just like his little dd needs his attention and kindness, over a certain age, doing things for your children over a certain age is harmful.

Could it be that he just doesn't know how to relate to small children, so doing things for an adult child who doesn't even need them is much easier?

ohfourfoxache · 16/12/2016 14:03

Bloody hell Sunflower Sad

He just isn't going to change. Actually, if you were to split up, then the likelihood is that he'd see your dd far more than he does now.

I'm sorry you're going through this Thanks

EatsShitAndLeaves · 16/12/2016 14:33

I'm sorry to hear that OP.

Sadly I think he has normalised his behaviour so much he really can't see what's wrong with it.

I couldn't live like this. You define your feelings through your actions and he is "shouting" at every opportunity that you and DD are at the bottom of the priority list, both practically and emotionally.

Even just asking for 1 morning a week of his time is demeaning.

You seem to be expected to beg for crumbs here OP. Something that robs you of your dignity and self worth.

I think you should leave. There is so little you would be leaving in reality it makes no difference, yet you have the potential to gain a lot - in short a life where you are truly valued.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/12/2016 14:41

^^^^This with massive bells on op!!

JustDontGetIt · 16/12/2016 14:49

Honestly just leave him. He's such a doormat to his ex and in turn you're turning into a doormat for him. So sorry to say that

LittleBooInABox · 16/12/2016 15:03

I'm so sorry op, not the Christmas you imagined I'm sure. Flowers

Your DD and you deserve better, leave him because sadly I think your DD would have more of his time then. :(

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 16/12/2016 15:56

I've told him that it is his choice to live his life like this, but that I did not want this for my family. I've told him that I want him to leave.

A bit of 'kick back' from ExW/DDs and he can't even have one morning where it's just us as a family going into town together and having breakfast at our pace. Just us.

Not having to take a detour to ExW house, not DD3 not being able to finish her breakfast in order to get in the car to be on DD1s timescale. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 16/12/2016 15:59

Atenco The frustrating thing is, he has several 'chats' with his ExW about how dependent DD1 is, ExW constantly saying that she fears for the future and that she must do more for herself. Yet DP is totally enabling her.

OP posts:
EatsShitAndLeaves · 16/12/2016 16:28

What did he say about leaving? Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 16/12/2016 16:40

Good on you, or this continue forever more Andy you and dd will always be bottom of the pile.

liberatethebuns · 16/12/2016 16:44

You're doing the right thing. Get off this hellish merry-go-round. Like others have said- he's just going to backslide into the same behaviour, and it will be soul-destroying to be a part of it over and over again. His behaviour is a farce.

BobbieDog · 16/12/2016 17:11

Spineless git.

Im not surprised you have had enough i would of been tearing my hair out long before you did.

I dont think hes going to change

EatsShitAndLeaves · 16/12/2016 17:35

I think he's going to end up a very lonely old man.

He's already taught his older children that they only need to have contact with him on their terms i.e. When they want, where they want and usually with some favour attached.

What happens when they meet partners who will presumably pander to their infantile needs? He's out of the picture.

Meanwhile the OP meets a lovely new partner who appreciates and values her. She doesn't want him hanging around like his ex wife.

I struggle to see how he can be so stupidly blind about all this.

No one is winning in this situation. Not him, his adult daughters, the OP and neglected youngest child.

If his behaviour had some positive benefit to his older kids, whilst I would still think he was behaving badly, I could start to see how he was trying to justify it.

But this is just a bad set up all round.

OP a morning a week doesn't scratch the surface of this issue and he can't even do that.

He needs to stop the lifts and pandering to his ex and daughters. If they want too see him, get money from him, then they can start being courteous to you and visit your home.

But he won't do that will he? Anything else is just a half assed compromise and why should you accept that.

He's a twat - you deserve so much more than this "half-life" he thinks you should demean yourself to expect.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 16/12/2016 17:38

Eat he hasn't replied at all.

It does feel like a ridiculous merry go round. All the back and forth messing around too, today. there were two calls to DSD1 - as she hadn't woken up, then she told DP that he was going to make her late. So I had to take over dressing DD3. That's when I thought, this crazy and horrible.

It feels miserable before Christmas though.

We were supposed to go to my parents, and my Dad is not well. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 16/12/2016 17:40

He needs to stop the lifts and pandering to his ex and daughters. If they want too see him, get money from him, then they can start being courteous to you and visit your home.. This does sound right.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 16/12/2016 17:44

It's going to continue. Hr broke off time with your little dd, to ferry his adult dd to uni. Deal breaker, and says it all really. You know where his loyalties lie. Spend time at your parents without him, he cango this blooming g ex and the big princesses.

ohfourfoxache · 16/12/2016 18:00

Don't change your plans, spend Christmas with your dd and your lovely family

This is not your fault and there is nothing more you can do to help the situation

Arfarfanarf · 16/12/2016 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

balence49 · 16/12/2016 18:39

He sounds like a total pushover. I can just imagine my parents face if at 18 (or even after about14) I had demanded lifts to work/school anywhere! You can ask nicely, that by no means will be a given yes! And certainly will not ever be a yes If I spoke to them like that! And as for the takeaway one that's ridiculous awful bad manners!

He is babying them beyond belief, and they are taking the piss out of him. But why wouldn't they, that's what him and his ex have brought them up to be like.

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