Eldest DD wants to go to Oxford I fear her tribe is not there

[Pisssssedofff]

But she's determined. I want to support her I really do but I want her to meet her life long buddies at uni.

Any thoughts ?

I think being "gobby" is an ideal qualification for Oxford - tell her to apply to rich older colleges if she wants too - they have good accommodation etc. And if she can speak up for herself, say what she thinks then she won't be intimidated by certain ex - public school types (who can bullshit for England). It is a great experience - and less "snobby" than some other places, there is a real mix of people, and fantastic opportunities.
(When I was there my college which is an old one, had one very disabled student and one very mature one (50+) as well as a whole range of school and experience backgrounds.)

So where do I begin? I divorced 13 years ago when my children were very young (21 months and 6 weeks old to be precise). I had a tough time, my parents and I became victims of domestic violence at the hands of my ex after I left him and I moved in with my parents with my two babies. I was constantly harrassed by him and got a restraining order against him. I lost my home through the divorce due to debts my ex husband had incurred behind my back. Despite his behaviour, the courts decided that the children should still have contact with their dad. Maintenance and contact has always been inconsistent on their dad's part. I went back to work when my youngest was 4 months old. After around a year of returning to work, I decided to go to university to study law (I had not had the opportunity when I was younger). I've worked really hard all these years to provide a stable home environment for my sons. Anyway, scroll forward 13 years from when my youngest was born and I find myself in a dilemma. I've had a few failed short term relationships over the years, (never having lived with anyone) and never being able to afford to buy my own home (which annoys me). I've been in a relationship (on and off) for the last 3 1/2 years with a man who I thought I actually could build a happy future with. I know no relationships are plain sailing and I am willing to work at things but every few months I get these awful feelings that i am fooling myself about a future with him and wonder if we should break up ( we have on occasion for a few weeks or months but always got back together). The problem always comes back to this. He is selfish and moody. He met my children after around 5 months of us dating and spent that Christmas with me and my family. The following April, it was my youngest son's 11th birthday and we went away with my parents for the long Easter weekend. Myself and my parents paid for the trip. He didn't even buy my son a birthday card or present. No Easter eggs either for the kids. I didn't mention it as didn't want to spoil the weekend. Once we got home, I felt the moment had gone. He did contribute towards a meals while we were away but complained about taking the kids bikes with us and them but even using them. This kind of attitude has continued throughout the rekationship in holidays etc (not being able to join him and his family for Christmas the following year as it might upset his son, even though his sons had met be by them and knowing that I would be alone at Christmas as my sons were with their dad) and I feel he views my sons as "in the way" sometimes. They don't have a regular arrangement with their dad so are with me most of the time. My parents have helped out over the years if we want a few days away which we have done a few times. He has bought the kids gifts at birthdays and Christmas since but this year, promised my son gig tickets for his 15th birthday but changed his mind when my son spoke disrespectfully to me and my bf on one occasion. This is mean. In my mind gifts are given unconditionally. He has done this type of thing to me too when we have fallen out. He also has two teenage sons who I have met only a handful of times during the whole time we have been together. It was 18 months into the rekationship that I met them. His teenage kids who are similar age to mine refuse to meet my sons. This upsets my 15 year old. After over three years, I am left wondering how we can ever move our relationship on. I've only met his parents twice also and basically had to give him an ultimatum about meeting them, after being together over a year at the time. This year I have had a lot of problems with my younger son who is now 13. He started to have problems at school and home around 11 months ago and this has steadily declined to the point where he is not in school at the moment (he's not been permanently excluded) and we are waiting hear from the local LEA about a place at a smaller high school that caters for children with emotional and behavioural needs which I feel would be perfect for him. He's also now started to get counselling. My bf has been extremely supportive of me throughout this and has put up with a lot from my son this year but I find he does not have much empathy for my son and perceives me as just being too soft with him. It appears to me that he perceives his kids as perfect and mine will never match up to them. He has denied this when I've spoken about it to him. I feel resentful especially because of all the holidays he takes with his kids without me. He has lots of holidays every year with his kids and with mates as he is a keen skier and mountain climber. These are not activities that my kids have ever had the opportunity to try as money has always been tight for me. He is a high earner. All the professionals I have spoken to about my son have said what a great job I am doing with my son and his problems but my bf is very critical of me. My bf spends 2 or 3 nights maximum at my home per week. The other night, he put the phone down on me (something he does when he's in a bad mood) and has not called or texted since, despite me texting him a couple of times. To add to this, I was recently made redundant and have had to turn down a new job offer because I need to be at home with my son at the moment, to get him back on track. Money is tighter than ever right now and I resent all the trips my bf goes on with his boys and mates. He is planning to have xmad with me and my family but going away skiing for new year with his lads and another family. We have been together 3.5 years and I do not feel our relationship has progressed. I always wanted to have a settled family life and after all this time, it still seems elusive to me. I feel that my bf wants to wait until all the kids have grown and flown the nest before we live together. I know things are difficult with my 13 year old right now but I wonder if things would be much different in terms of progress even if he was the "perfect" child. I just don't know whether I have a future with my bf. This is the same dilemma I face every few months. I know life doesn't always go as planned but I never imagined I would still be in this situation after 13 years of divorce and aged 42. Any advice please??

Oh meant to add that although bf is due to spend xmas with us this year, he said he's not buying my youngest son anything for xmas because of his bad behaviour

Lost you'll get better, more relevant responses if you start your own thread.

Adding paragraphs would also help as it would make it easier to read

Lost Wrong thread, old love ... We're obsessing about Oxbridge on this one

" She's very artistic, very argumentative loves a good debate, dresses like she's homeless, I just worry is the place for her"

Sounds like she is the sort who will get on well... After all she will be rubbing shoulders with argumentative proto politicians and artists..

She's very artistic, very argumentative loves a good debate, dresses like she's homeless

You need to have a trip to a Oxford to see she'll fit in a treat

Oxford takes all sorts really. Only defining entry requirement is top exam results, entry test results and a good couple of interviews where you show you can intelligently hold your own in an argument. I found like minds and I'm not from Eton or an Enid Button novel although do know a lot of lads from Whitgift now

One of my friends at Oxford was approached by a homeless persons outreach worker as she was dressed so shabbily he thought she was living on the streets....

Honestly she'll be fine. There's loads of different types of people there.

I'm not really in touch with many people I was at uni with. I got on well enough with people, it just didn't really extend past graduation. She may well meet friends for life, but if she doesn't, it's not such a bad thing. I'd just be glad she wants to go to such a prestigious university and good luck to her, I hope she gets in!

Oh right
First time in here 😂

She love it if she went there. Beautiful city which has alot of different people people studying there. She meey people she clicks with no matter which uni she went to.

She'll be grand. The people I've known who weren't ok were the ones with massive chips on both shoulders. Otherwise there's all sorts there - yes lots of yahs, only to be expected - but also good, decent and funny people. Much hippiness and also (watch out) evangelical CofE and sporty types and everything in between.

I would advise anyone who's interested in Oxbridge to do some interview practice/prep. The tutors aren't just looking for the bright, they are looking for people who will thrive under Oxford's academic system: people who can articulate and defend a viewpoint, pursue their own interests and deal with some independence (particularly in the arts, there is very little structured time and a good deal of freedom to pursue your own academic interests). The tutors don't give a flying one about your background in most cases - they want people they'll enjoy teaching, i.e. those who fit what I've described above, and not people who will bore them to sleep by earnestly reiterating the textbook. It doesn't have to be fancy - a teacher or other adult with some knowledge can easily do some mock interviews for prep.

My DS1 went to Oxford from a state school. At 18 he was a very ordinary slightly shy geeky type. Guess what? He found plenty of other shy geeky types from state schools to be friends with, and plenty from other tribes too. He had a great time and his time there helped him develop enormously as a person. It was more economical than other universities as when he was living in college they did a very reasonably priced meal ticket for each term and he had longer holidays to work and save up in. We met a lot of other parents coming and going when we delivered his stuff and collected him each term. I saw far more battered old estates and tradespeoples' vans in the Balliol car park than Mercedes and range rover. Don't be worried, if she gets in all will be fine.

OP, in all kindness, you sound a bit loony about this matter. Your daughter will be fine, Oxford is a great place, and it's really not for your to decide who your daughter's "tribe" (and indeed whether she will have one) are.

I hope you won't put her off her choice through your own insecurities and fears.

DS is currently in the process of applying to Oxford (his preference, having already had good offers from other unis) and I too have reservations but for different reasons. I think IF he got in (and it's a huge if) it will be scarily difficult to fund his 4 years there, even with a loan for his living costs and I'm under the impression that students are discouraged from working during term time.

For background, he attends a state school and I'm a SP.

Actually, this thread is really useful - DS2 has been chuntering about applying to Cambridge as he wants to stay local for his guitar teacher / Warhammer shop ( I know, I know! ) and I've been trying to think of ways to talk him out of it but now I think I'll just make encouraging noises and let him get on with making his own choices ...

You meet all sorts at Oxford. Don't worry about tribes. That's the attitude that preserves social segregation. If she thinks she can get in she should apply and if she gets in she should go. Good luck.

I'm under the impression that students are discouraged from working during term time.

It's not permitted under college rules to work outside the college/university during term time. However, there are generally several jobs in college students can do which are light enough on hours not to interfere with studies. I worked in both the college bar and library during term, which got me money off my food & board. Remember also that terms are much shorter than at other unis - 3 x 8 weeks - and there's nothing to stop him working full-time out of term. I temped full-time between terms; other students took FT jobs as college "scouts" or cleaners between terms.

The fees are the same as any other uni, and living in college is actually likely to be cheaper than accommodation in many other parts of the country, as it's subsidised. It's quite possible it would work out cheaper than other unis. Also, as Manumission has mentioned, the university and colleges have excellent hardship bursaries.

Well I hope this has been helpful to others, I'll have a read through again later.
Update though she's texted me at lunch, she doesn't like it 😂

If she's a bit awkward, and she doesn't get into Oxford, might I suggest York? It was full of kooky nerdy oddballs when I was there including me.

Really, though, she will be fine. She will find her people.

Cambridge a nicer, more attractive city IMO. And the crime rate is lower. After all C had no need of Inspector Morse.

What doesn't she like about it?

Somerville she said the other kids she's surrounded by are all straight A students and she's not confident she will get all A
Maths and physics she might get B's in, she thinks she needs an A* in maths to do business studies at Oxford. I said we'd talk about it when she gets home. Out of league was the exact words used.