Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BEST FRIEND TRIED IT WITH BOYFRIEND

426 replies

lithium3 · 07/11/2016 22:53

So after giving birth to DS 4 months ago I was out this weekend for the first time. I invited my best friend as she was having a rough time with her DP (she has two little boys with him) to come along with me and my DP to later meet up with a few of my other friends.

After a few beers it was clear that she was quite drunk and we headed to the club. I went to the toilet and came down to DP telling me that she had tried to kiss him. I put it down to just been drunk and falling around and DP misreading the situation (surely my best friend wouldn't do that). However, DP came over again and told me to get her away from him as she kept trying to kiss him.. So I moved her then she did the same to all my male friends including one who had a girlfriend which she met earlier that evening. I felt so embarrassed by her, all of them felt so awkward.

In the end she ended up finding a man that actually kissed her back and she stayed with him the remainder of the night until it was 3am and me and DP wanted to go home yet she refused to come with us so we left her with this man.

We have spoke since but she hasn't mentioned anything about it, she apologised to me and DP for 'being a dick' over text.

DP absolutely adored this girl before all this and loved her two little boys but now he feels so awkward and keeps telling me to speak to her about it as it was so unacceptable for her to do that. I agree with him but I really don't know how to address the situation, in my mind I'm just putting it down to her being so drunk she didn't know what she was doing but then another part of me thinks that she did know.

I don't know what to do, she is my best friend that I turn to for everything. How should I address it? Am I being too laid back? Just need an outsiders opinion..

OP posts:
TheStoic · 09/11/2016 00:44

I think my DP just wants to make sure that it was a drunken thing and clear the air so it's not awkward.

Something tells me that your DP is hoping it WASN'T just a drunken thing. Thinking of the men I know well - if any of them gave this a second thought, it would be out of concern for the friend's welfare.

They would not be sending me, or anyone else, to ask the friend the 'meaning' of anything, or her 'intentions', like we were all in high school.

BubbleGumBubble · 09/11/2016 00:48

OMG the ridiculous on this thread is astounding Hmm

TheStoic or maybe he wants to be assured it was a drumken thing and that she will not do it again and he is not going to be pounced on the next time he is in her company.
Are you one of the sheep?

Italiangreyhound · 09/11/2016 00:50

Strawberry I am genuinely delighted you can give as good as you get. Smile

But I am sure you know most women are not like you, nor most men like your friend.

I've no problem showing sympathy for the real (we assume) scenario (not some made up reversal thing). What I find so sad is the 'desperate' need to call out any glimmer of 'inequality' against men in a world where life is massively, massively stacked in favour of men and against women and girls.

It's like people who say white people can be the victims of racism. Of course they can. But the deck is stacked in many societies so firmly in favour of white people that to harp on about slights injustices to white people seems really strrange.

Lots of people have said what the woman did was wrong, but also as a friend they would be concerned for her.NOT excusing what she did but trying to see if anything else were going on.

If a male friend did this I expect I would also be concerned but I would be scared.

It is it a level playing field, not at all. And I am wondering oxygen voices wanting a reversal are women or men, and whether they should as loudly when they hear of the many, many ways women are victims of men worldwide (I really hope they do).

TheStoic · 09/11/2016 00:54

maybe he wants to be assured it was a drumken thing and that she will not do it again and he is not going to be pounced on the next time he is in her company.

So ask her himself. What is he, 12?

BubbleGumBubble · 09/11/2016 00:56

Well considering he now feels uncomfortable because of her actions and the women is not his best friend but his partners why should he ask her?

BubbleGumBubble · 09/11/2016 00:57

You seem determin to find fault with this guy stoic do you hate all men?

TheStoic · 09/11/2016 01:00

Not at all - some of the best people I know are men. That could be a coincidence though.

BubbleGumBubble · 09/11/2016 01:02

So why are you so driven to see this man as the problem when he was the one on the receiving end of unwanted sexual attention?

StrawberryLime · 09/11/2016 01:04

So ask her himself. What is he, 12?
He repeatedly told her no. What part of that is so hard to understand by some?
Still, STILL he told her no. She carried on until he made his partner, her friend aware and friend got her to move her herself.
I know if I was out with DH and a friend kept coming on to me when he was in the toilets I'd want his back up and I would be mentioning to him when he came back from toilet situation. Just 'cos that's what you do in a healthy monogamous long term relationship/marriage.
I'd be like "he keeps trying to kiss me." Why would me saying that be shit stirring or seen a wet lettuce if I didn't just put up with it? Sad

TheStoic · 09/11/2016 01:05

I guess it all depends on how you define 'victim'.

No matter how many people bleat on about 'OMG EQUALITY' or 'OMG REVERSE THE SEXES' - I think the woman in this scenario was far more at risk of harm that night than he was.

Also, she has apologised. Why does he want to continue the drama?

Italiangreyhound · 09/11/2016 01:08

Sorry, typo, then battery ran out, it is not a level playing field.

DutyCalls · 09/11/2016 01:09

How would you define 'victim' stoic?

BubbleGumBubble · 09/11/2016 01:11

I guess it all depends on how you define 'victim'.

A person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment.

The above is not difficult to understand is it?

think the woman in this scenario was far more at risk of harm that night than he was.

It is not about risk. She harassed him sexually. He did not want her attention and said no many times. Does no mean no only apply to women when it comes to unwanted sexually attention? Hmm

Also, she has apologised. Why does he want to continue the drama?

Erm no she sent a text to the OP saying she acted like a dick. That is in noway an apology.

TheStoic · 09/11/2016 01:19

By your definition, PP, I would definitely think the woman was more a victim that night than the man.

BubbleGumBubble · 09/11/2016 01:20

By your definition, PP, I would definitely think the woman was more a victim that night than the man.

Can you explain why?

IPityThePontipines · 09/11/2016 01:20

Here's the real difference if you reversed this sexes:

The male DP would be expected to tell his friend he was completely out of order, maybe end the friendship. Job done.

However, if the drunken friend is a woman, you have to support her and listen to her and make time for her and police her when you are out socially and and and.

That's the difference - all the emotional time and energy we are meant to spend on other's poor behaviour, just because we are women.

StrawberryLime · 09/11/2016 01:22

which previous poster, stoic?

BubbleGumBubble · 09/11/2016 01:24

Tbh Straw i think Stoic is a gf so not worth the energy.

StrawberryLime · 09/11/2016 01:32

Don't know who it's aimed at as wasn't clear but assuming it's aimed at me as I was a few posts behind the post aimed at previous poster.
If not, apologies.
By your definition, PP, I would definitely think the woman was more a victim that night than the man.
Why? I've got a drunk mutual male friend coming onto me whilst my DH is in the toilets and is refusing to take no for an answer.
As I'm female, why am I more of a victim? Screw that.
Size and power doesn't matter, there's plenty of tall, robust, strong, and heavily built women out there. Are the men they assault any less of a victim if they're more slightly built and less able to fight off unwanted advances?

TheStoic · 09/11/2016 01:54

Size and power doesn't matter

Are you serious?

Italiangreyhound · 09/11/2016 02:05

Strawberry do you really think loads of women are going around assaulting men? really?

I am not defending it, of course, but really do you think men walk home with their keys between their fingers in case they get attacked? Do you think they check the backseat and boot when they get in the car?

No one should every be assaulted full stop.

You stand a much better chance if attacked by a woman than by a man so size and power do matter.

StrawberryLime · 09/11/2016 02:07

Are you deliberately twisting my words or genuinely not seeing the double standards?!
It's YOU with the insistence on size and power, not me. By your posts, and others too, women are seen as more of a victim as they're more likely to be smaller and less able to fight back.
I'm merely saying that size and physical strength shouldn't be an issue, it is NEVER OK to repeatedly sexually assault someone.
Male or female. Females can be strong too. Mentally as well as physically. They're not all default set at delicate flower.

Italiangreyhound · 09/11/2016 03:18

Strawberry are you talking to me?

"Are you deliberately twisting my words or genuinely not seeing the double standards?!" No, I am not I have repeatedly said that the man is right to be upset, I am making double standards.

Double standards exist, and they affect women and girls a lot more than men.

It's YOU with the insistence on size and power, not me.

I am not insisting on size and power I am stating the obvious. You gave yourself as an example of a strong woman well able to over power a weaker male friend, which I admired. but you are the standard woman and he if not the standard man,

Re "By your posts, and others too, women are seen as more of a victim as they're more likely to be smaller and less able to fight back."
They are more likely to be a victim than a man because they are smaller and less able to fight back. It's a fact. It's not something I like or enjoy, it's a fact. I do taekwan-do and I've done self defense but I know the average woman is not as strong as the average man. It's just a biological fact. Which some men use to their advantage. I cannot see any point in pretending it is not so.

Re "I'm merely saying that size and physical strength shouldn't be an issue" well I would love it if that were the case and if men did not sometimes use their superior strength and size over women, but they do.

And I agree "... it is NEVER OK to repeatedly sexually assault someone.
Male or female.

Re "Females can be strong too. Mentally as well as physically. They're not all default set at delicate flower." I think you have got a totally mixed message from me. I don't think women are delicate flowers and I think many women are much mentally stronger than many men for a whole host of cultural reasons. But biologically men are mostly physically stronger than women and some abuse this.

And the harping on about poor old men just drives me mad. I do wonder if the people who love to point out when they think men are being hard done by are as quick to point out when women are being treated badly.

But I can see we are not getting anywhere so I shall bow out of this debate.

Italiangreyhound · 09/11/2016 03:21

I am not I have repeatedly said that the man is right to be upset, I am not making double standards.

but you are not the standard woman and he if not the standard man...

Sorry this bloody computer keeps skipping words!

Atenco · 09/11/2016 04:06

I'm merely saying that size and physical strength shouldn't be an issue

Much as you wish this were not an issue, this has been an issue throughout history. It sounds nice, you would like to remake the world, but this is a concrete fact, size and physical strength is an issue and a very important issue.

I am quite a physically strong woman but could not defend myself against a small relatively weak man.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread