OW contacting DH

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I posted a short while ago about DH sleeping with another woman years ago. It was resolved and almost forgotten about but then my company hired her and I have been working with her.

Recently I have had a bit of a rubbish time. I had a miscarriage, a couple of family bereavements, a fall out with a friend and DS has just had a huge operation which has brought a whole load of new problems with family.

Anyway, I have needed to be off work for a while. I'm a nursery manager and ow manages another nursery in the company but we're paired together for various reasons. She has been coming in to my setting to help out with the management side of things although my deputy and third in charge have most of it handled. I left DH's number on a post it on my desk saying to call him if it was an emergency and they couldn't get me.

DH's phone went off this morning while he was in the shower. I shouted through to him and he asked me to check it in case it was work. It was an unsaved number and the text said "Hope everything is ok with you guys. Sorry for what I sent on Friday, I was a bit drunk and stupid." I went in to the bathroom and told him and asked who it was. He then turned the water off and got out looking very serious and he said that he was sorry and didn't want me to find out yet. So I got a bit panicky and thought the worst. I hadn't opened the phone I'd just seen the message on the locked screen so at this point I did. I went to the messages and there wasn't one there from Friday but a few from last week.

The first said "Hi, hope you don't mind me texting you. Just wanted to check on DS and send you all my love." DH replied saying thanks, gave an update on DS and asked who it was. The reply came saying it was OW. DH then replied saying he wasn't too sure how she got his number and appreciated the nice ,message but would prefer it if she didn't contact him again.

She replied again saying it was on the post it and she felt like she couldn't resist texting, and that she was divorcing her husband having a really rough time and it was a moment of madness. She apologised and said she realised it was stupid but she could use a friendly face. DH replied again saying he was sorry to hear it but we had our own stuff going on and how unfair she's being to me who has handled our recent work situation so well. He said that he didn't want to upset me with so much going on and asked her again to not contact him.

There was nothing for a couple of days and then she text on Thursday saying she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and now she can't stop thinking about him and all these feelings were resurfacing. He didn't reply and she sent another one saying his stupid she is. He didn't reply and she said she gets the message and that I'm so lucky to have him.

DH has just told me that she text again on Friday night saying she missed him and wishes they would have had a chance of being together and she still thinks about him and the night they were together. He deleted it straight away and said you could tell she had been drinking because of the way it was typed and some of the words were spelt wrong. He didn't tell me because we've had so much stuff to deal with and he wanted to wait but admitted he wasn't sure if he was ever actually going to say anything because of the implications with work and it bringing up old feelings and memories for me.

I believe DH and understand why he didn't tell me. I don't know what to do about OW. She's clearly having a rough time but so am I and it doesn't give her the right to try and start things up with my husband especially after I've been so nice to her. Should I contact her or just leave it to DH to ignore her? I know some of you might think I should be suspicious that he deleted the text from Friday but I honestly believe him. We've come a very long way since this happened and he's a completely different person to who he was then, and so am I. And I know circumstances last time were different as we were fighting and probably going to break up but now are so strong and have DS.

I don't even know if I'm angry or upset or anything else because I've felt a million and one things over this past month! I'm just sat in the bath hoping for some good advice off mumsnet!

Kristina I am an employment lawyer. This is certainly a potential gross misconduct incident.

Kr1stina and Mynestisfullofempty Just read the last paragraph! I'm sorry that you are unable to read some basic English sentences....

I hope someday soon when you're stronger and this new grief isn't as raw, you'll be able to claim more space for yourself in the world, and show Dilly some of the understanding and compassion that she's entitled to.

I believe I said mild words not a ticking off.

I'd be uncomfortable with it therefore voiced my opinion.

The update could have been more detailed than "fine thanks" though couldn't it? We don't know as the OP didn't say.

As I said Dilly is the OP NOT the OW! It's YOU who "are unable to read some basic English sentences!

retro seriously re-read that post .... you're wrong.

Oh dear RetroImp.

Hmm. I feel very sorry for you, Dilly but not your husband. This was a woman that he was sleeping with previously and with that comes some responsibility for being absolutely crystal clear that that was then and this is now - and there is to be NO contact.

He didn't do that. He doesn't sound strong to me he sounds like somebody who is passively letting his wife sort this out for him. He could have told OW quite categorically, "Do not ever contact me again". Not accept a 'lots of love' text from somebody he didn't even know who it was? That bit really grated on me and I'm not surprised that you're upset.

Dilly, you've sorted it out from your own work perspective, let your husband take over now and actually sort out any further arrangements, ie. police. This is on him. His lack of immediate and definite action has brought you to this place.

Thank you for your opinion atticus. Do you think she might be dismissed ? I thought it might end up with a written warning .

Because suspect that she will say she's under stress because of her divorce, perhaps seeing a doctor and taking medication, having mental health problems. If she has a disability such as depression then that's an issue too.

I am sorry for your loss and hope your DS is recovering.

That really is a shocking update.

• In a way at least this really makes the case clear (surely!) that she has to lose her job. Ringing from a work phone! To a parent of child that is being cared for by your workplace!
• You speaking to work yesterday means they understand the background before this voicemail.
• I think he really needs to block/change the number now as no good can come from receiving messages from her, whatever the content.

I think taking any steps to ensure she gets no contact /no information about you is not going over the top. I am not saying you are at risk but just anything that can help stop this as soon as possible. I'd come off/highly restrict social media and ask work colleagues (other than ones doing disciplinary) not to speak to her about your family life.

I am sorry to say this - she may have just seen the number and thought "what the hell" and texted. But that doesnt seem so likely as she is doing it repeatedly and in such a destructive way! Also the out of proportion strength of feelings she has and is expressing for your DH.

I'd guess she planned to make this "move" now, knowing you are going through a terrible and possibly vulnerable time.

Eeek, you were right! Mynestisfullofempty I am wrong! And this time, I'm gonna put on my big girl pants and apologise properly and sincerely instead of snarky replies. enrolls in basic English communication course

Retrolmp... I got what you were trying to say. It was cringey though in delivery. If you would have said "Where is the concern for yourself?" that wouldn't have made my hairs try to burrow into my skin.

I laughed at the Adams Family snippet because I know that film well and Joan Cusack is amazing in it.

Kermit and it's not relevant so it doesn't matter. OP will obviously address that if she feels it's necessary.

And Kr1stina - someone that defrauds a company of ££££ can do their job well but can't be trusted due to their conduct - hence why they would be fired but a person that caused a loss through not understanding something possibly wouldn't.

This is gross misconduct not because of the way she cares for the child but because it is absolutely not acceptable to use a parent's number for personal reasons.

Hope you ok op this is so awful for you xx

I think there's a very good chance of dismissal Kr1stina. She has accessed and misused personal data which could enable a complaint to be made against the Employer under the Data Protection Act, she may well be in breach of her contract as a result, she has inappropriately contacted a client and made sexual advances, her actions satisfy the definition of harassment under both the Equality Act and the Protection From Harassment legislation, she has demonstrated a severe lack of judgment which would lead an employer to question her suitability for a role involving trust, she has acted in a way which either was designed to or has the clearly foreseeable effect of causing a serious breakdown of the working relationship between colleagues etc

As anyone who knows anything about employment law will tell you, it isn't about proof, its about whether the sanction falls within the band of reasonable responses (and about whether a fair procedure was followed). Dismissal is certainly within the band of reasonable responses in this case IMO.

You may have a really common name, but this so sounds to me like she deliberately went for a job where you worked.

I don't believe in coincidences.

Oh OP I am sorry this situation has taken a turn. I hope work do what is necessary, but it sounds like they are being very supportive of you.

I hope she goes and this is the end of it for you.

I remember your previous thread. She is not all there.I would be doing all I could to get her fired. I agree with Nanny I think she got the job there because you work there. Please don't let her get away with this.

That's very interesting Atticus , thank you. And I expect very reassuring for the OP.

Also if she was that pissed last night did she drive to work? Is she fit to be around children? All side issues I know but work might see it as pretty important

Having read the thread, I'm glad to see that you're quite right to trust your DH. Everything he has said and done shows how loving and loyal he is, OP. You made a good call to stay with him. I imagine after all the shit you've been through your relationship is as solid as a rock, and that's lovely. OW, otoh, is in a shit situation of her own making. Her drinking sounds like a serious problem, and that voicemail is extremely damaging. Who in their right mind would do something like that on a work phone? Nuts.

I followed your other thread. I suspect she knew full well where you worked. I really hope she is dismissed but fear then she will have a lot of time on her hands. I have a feeling you've not heard the last from her.

I'd definitely be speaking to the police once you know the outcome of this mornings meeting just in case and if you own a rabbit you might want to bring it indoors.

Good for you OP - you've been remarkably calm & professional, and your DH has shown where his heart & loyalties lie. The OW has behaved utterly disgracefully. It's awful if she is likely to lose her job, but she needs to be aware of consequences of her actions.

Hope you're OK.

Op I fear this is just the start of things especially after your update she is escalating. The fact she knows what your DS looks like, where you live you phone numbers is a worry. Please can you report this to the police as hassament. I don't want to scare you but I wouldn't be surprise if she starts stalking you and DP. She sounds unhinged and by her losing her job might make her up the anti on her campaign. Even if she does back off then atleast you've reported the incident and it's on file. Stalking cases are serious often starting out quite minimal trival stuff then quickly can escalate further. I would be concerned that she has purposely applied where you work. The fact this has been over 8 years ago is a concern. This woman isn't mentally stable in she is persisting in contacting your DH.