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Original poster

OW contacting DH

514 replies

DillyDingDillyDong · 07/11/2016 09:07

I posted a short while ago about DH sleeping with another woman years ago. It was resolved and almost forgotten about but then my company hired her and I have been working with her.

Recently I have had a bit of a rubbish time. I had a miscarriage, a couple of family bereavements, a fall out with a friend and DS has just had a huge operation which has brought a whole load of new problems with family.

Anyway, I have needed to be off work for a while. I'm a nursery manager and ow manages another nursery in the company but we're paired together for various reasons. She has been coming in to my setting to help out with the management side of things although my deputy and third in charge have most of it handled. I left DH's number on a post it on my desk saying to call him if it was an emergency and they couldn't get me.

DH's phone went off this morning while he was in the shower. I shouted through to him and he asked me to check it in case it was work. It was an unsaved number and the text said "Hope everything is ok with you guys. Sorry for what I sent on Friday, I was a bit drunk and stupid." I went in to the bathroom and told him and asked who it was. He then turned the water off and got out looking very serious and he said that he was sorry and didn't want me to find out yet. So I got a bit panicky and thought the worst. I hadn't opened the phone I'd just seen the message on the locked screen so at this point I did. I went to the messages and there wasn't one there from Friday but a few from last week.

The first said "Hi, hope you don't mind me texting you. Just wanted to check on DS and send you all my love." DH replied saying thanks, gave an update on DS and asked who it was. The reply came saying it was OW. DH then replied saying he wasn't too sure how she got his number and appreciated the nice ,message but would prefer it if she didn't contact him again.

She replied again saying it was on the post it and she felt like she couldn't resist texting, and that she was divorcing her husband having a really rough time and it was a moment of madness. She apologised and said she realised it was stupid but she could use a friendly face. DH replied again saying he was sorry to hear it but we had our own stuff going on and how unfair she's being to me who has handled our recent work situation so well. He said that he didn't want to upset me with so much going on and asked her again to not contact him.

There was nothing for a couple of days and then she text on Thursday saying she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and now she can't stop thinking about him and all these feelings were resurfacing. He didn't reply and she sent another one saying his stupid she is. He didn't reply and she said she gets the message and that I'm so lucky to have him.

DH has just told me that she text again on Friday night saying she missed him and wishes they would have had a chance of being together and she still thinks about him and the night they were together. He deleted it straight away and said you could tell she had been drinking because of the way it was typed and some of the words were spelt wrong. He didn't tell me because we've had so much stuff to deal with and he wanted to wait but admitted he wasn't sure if he was ever actually going to say anything because of the implications with work and it bringing up old feelings and memories for me.

I believe DH and understand why he didn't tell me. I don't know what to do about OW. She's clearly having a rough time but so am I and it doesn't give her the right to try and start things up with my husband especially after I've been so nice to her. Should I contact her or just leave it to DH to ignore her? I know some of you might think I should be suspicious that he deleted the text from Friday but I honestly believe him. We've come a very long way since this happened and he's a completely different person to who he was then, and so am I. And I know circumstances last time were different as we were fighting and probably going to break up but now are so strong and have DS.

I don't even know if I'm angry or upset or anything else because I've felt a million and one things over this past month! I'm just sat in the bath hoping for some good advice off mumsnet!

OP posts:
paap1975 · 08/11/2016 10:09

Looks like she has completely lost the plot. Wishing you much strength as you go through this and everything else you've had to face recently

LemonBreeland · 08/11/2016 10:13

Just read this whole thread. I remember your previous thread too. I'm glad that you and your DH didn't just brush this under the carpet, and that she is being dealt with properly.

What a mess!

ArmfulOfRoses · 08/11/2016 10:13

I would be thinking seriously about the police at this point op.

She has had access to things at work that would include your address I presume?

ArmfulOfRoses · 08/11/2016 10:15

Also as pp have pointed out, she has carried this torch (is obsession too strong) for 8 years with the vast, vast majority of this time having had absolutely no contact from your dh.

This is quite worrying.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 08/11/2016 10:16

Wow, you and your DH are strong people. I wish you the very best in your marriage, because she is really testing your mettle.

Cross fingers they do bloody sack her, she's beyond the pale. Definitely gross misconduct.

Original poster
DillyDingDillyDong · 08/11/2016 10:17

I'm just shocked that she went the extra mile to be so unprofessional.

She does know where we live because DS's nursery forms have our address on and I gave them to her a few weeks ago. Do you think she's going to come round? Or that she already has done? Should I be worried?

I can't believe that it's changed me being angry at the messages to a potentially dangerous situation. I'm still shocked, I've processed a lot over the last day.

OP posts:
Original poster
DillyDingDillyDong · 08/11/2016 10:17

I'm just shocked that she went the extra mile to be so unprofessional.

She does know where we live because DS's nursery forms have our address on and I gave them to her a few weeks ago. Do you think she's going to come round? Or that she already has done? Should I be worried?

I can't believe that it's changed me being angry at the messages to a potentially dangerous situation. I'm still shocked, I've processed a lot over the last day.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 08/11/2016 10:17

ArmfulofRoses - the thing is she will probably be escorted from the building or told to leave ASAP to safeguard confidential information but that doesn't stop her already having accessed OP's home address or using 192.com to search her name and pay a small fee to access her address.

hopefully a word from police (I think this is next step) will be enough to tell her to back off but seems like its escalating now.

SuperFlyHigh · 08/11/2016 10:18

OP I would be concerned to be quite honest, not 100% worried but concerned.

I'd ring the police and ask their advice.

ThatGingerOne · 08/11/2016 10:20

I think getting the police involved at this stage - especially with your worries about her having access to your address- should not be ruled out. I would at least make a log of it, then if anything happens they know to deal with it straight away. She has access his phone number illegally and is still contacting him inappropriately after he has told her to leave him alone.

DuchessofAnkh · 08/11/2016 10:24

If she's only being spoken to by work this morning she may not have realised - she is just doing the same as she did before - she maybe doesn't realise it is the nail in her own coffin!

Agree with the others though, I would speak to the police.

PaulDacresConscience · 08/11/2016 10:24

De-lurking to say hope that you and your DH are OK. This must be very difficult at the moment - her inappropriate behaviour notwithstanding, it must have brought back some horrible memories. Hopefully your work will sort things out today and if she has any shred of common sense left, she'll realise that she needs to back off now.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/11/2016 10:29

I don't think she's accessed the phone number illegally, it was openly available - she's used it inappropriately and unprofessionally, but really, I don't think "illegally".

However, I also would be logging the situation with the police just in case she does take it further.

BoffinMum · 08/11/2016 10:31

OMG, I mean OMG.
How unutterably sad that she has got herself into this mess.
I imagine she is jobless by now. I would certainly have to let her go if she had done something like this where I work. She's breached the Data Protection Act by raiding your child's personal data for her own use, sexually harassed a colleague, and behaved so unprofessionally she has probably breached a contract clause of some type about standards.
But she does sound like she needs help. So awful.

ThatGingerOne · 08/11/2016 10:32

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sorry, I thought that the number was in Dilly's desk, I can see now it was 'On'. Need to get my glasses checked haha.

ThatGingerOne · 08/11/2016 10:34

Although if she does turn up at the address and it can be proven she accessed it through your child's info at nursery (Are there hardcopies in an area with CCTV that could prove she did this? Or are they on a computer that shows who accessed what?) That would 100% be illegal and breaking the Data Protection Act.

Jupiter2Mars · 08/11/2016 10:34

I'd wait until you hear from work about what happened to her before calling the police on 101 for advice.
It is only a delay of a few hours (hopefully) but it would be better to give them a full picture when you do call.

Its hard to know whether she will come round or not. She's already overstepped any boundary that a normal person would have, so its impossible to guess where the boundaries are in her head, and whether she is minded to ignore them or not.

I guess the police won't be able to guess any better, but if you've logged it with them, and taken advice about what to do should she get in touch again, then you'll be able to involve them properly should things escalate (which they probably will not - so don't worry!).

amusedbush · 08/11/2016 10:37

Fucking hell, I'm gobsmacked by that update. How can someone be so self destructive?

ohtheholidays · 08/11/2016 10:38

Stop feeling sorry for her Dilly,I know that will probably be very hard for you because your obvisouly a really lovely person but from now on people will take they're cue from you about how they react to her behaviour!

People need to know that what she has done and is trying to do to you and your family is not exceptable what ever excuse she comes up with!

That might sound hard but it's true,I know 3 people that have behaved in a similar way(thankfully I wasn't in a relationship with any of them)2 were men and 1 was a woman and honestly I knew them all really well and there was no tragic background,they had behaved in an awful way when they were young adults and got what they wanted from it so carried on,they were just bad people and believe me for years I didn't believe there were any bad people just people that had bad things happen to them,as I've got older and witnessed some abhorent behaviour I've learned that out of the people that do do bad things,about half have had something awful happen or have a MH problem that they haven't had help with,which is bloody awful but the other half are just bad people.

Just please keep your guard up Dilly when it comes to this woman,I ended up in a couple of seriously dangerous situations when I was younger because I gave bad people a chance they didn't deserve!

Like I said before I'd honestly contact a solicitor about getting an injunction against this women,you have enough proof that she's targeting your family.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 08/11/2016 10:39

I'm not sure she needs help. She is making herself sexually available to your husband - all OW do that; and the alcohol means she can try to deny full liability later. She's not unhinged. She's predatory. And people like that (both men and women) deserve your distrust, disgust and caution, not your pity.

Honestly save your compassion and understanding for yourself Dilly.

Wotshudwehave4T · 08/11/2016 10:43

She is out of control, you need to contact and discuss it with the police who can take measures so that she knows how serious her behaviour is and what will happen if she does not leave you all alone. They will also help you with the next steps as she's going to be so angry if she looses her job and in her current state is likely to blame you both for it rather than see it is her own fault. You come over as really brave and sensible and none of this is your fault.

onmybroomstick · 08/11/2016 10:49

She does sound slightly unhinged. You and your dh sound like you have a wonderful and honest relationship. Wish you all the best Flowers

MissVictoria · 08/11/2016 10:52

I doubt she'll ever be calling on your place of work for a future reference. Hopefully any future employer will ask for one anyway, and think long and hard about employing her in a position with anyone potentially vulnerable.

ButIbeingpoor · 08/11/2016 10:53

From my perspective I see a woman going through a very difficult time, having moved on from a distressing time in her relationship, now having to deal with further pressures from a co worker who is impacting massively on this relationship and on her professional relationship.
OW may need help. You need peace.
She really needs to be dismissed.

SuperFlyHigh · 08/11/2016 10:55

BoffinMum

the number was on OP's desk as emergency contact so OW has not breached any Data Protection Act.

she has not sexually harassed a colleague but a colleague's DH.

the gross misconduct if they go down this route is potentially misuse of a phone number in relation to OP and harassing her DH though he would have had to and has made a complaint in this regard.

as others have had there are safeguarding issues because what if she accesses and approaches other parents (male or female) of children at the nursery.