OW contacting DH

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I posted a short while ago about DH sleeping with another woman years ago. It was resolved and almost forgotten about but then my company hired her and I have been working with her.

Recently I have had a bit of a rubbish time. I had a miscarriage, a couple of family bereavements, a fall out with a friend and DS has just had a huge operation which has brought a whole load of new problems with family.

Anyway, I have needed to be off work for a while. I'm a nursery manager and ow manages another nursery in the company but we're paired together for various reasons. She has been coming in to my setting to help out with the management side of things although my deputy and third in charge have most of it handled. I left DH's number on a post it on my desk saying to call him if it was an emergency and they couldn't get me.

DH's phone went off this morning while he was in the shower. I shouted through to him and he asked me to check it in case it was work. It was an unsaved number and the text said "Hope everything is ok with you guys. Sorry for what I sent on Friday, I was a bit drunk and stupid." I went in to the bathroom and told him and asked who it was. He then turned the water off and got out looking very serious and he said that he was sorry and didn't want me to find out yet. So I got a bit panicky and thought the worst. I hadn't opened the phone I'd just seen the message on the locked screen so at this point I did. I went to the messages and there wasn't one there from Friday but a few from last week.

The first said "Hi, hope you don't mind me texting you. Just wanted to check on DS and send you all my love." DH replied saying thanks, gave an update on DS and asked who it was. The reply came saying it was OW. DH then replied saying he wasn't too sure how she got his number and appreciated the nice ,message but would prefer it if she didn't contact him again.

She replied again saying it was on the post it and she felt like she couldn't resist texting, and that she was divorcing her husband having a really rough time and it was a moment of madness. She apologised and said she realised it was stupid but she could use a friendly face. DH replied again saying he was sorry to hear it but we had our own stuff going on and how unfair she's being to me who has handled our recent work situation so well. He said that he didn't want to upset me with so much going on and asked her again to not contact him.

There was nothing for a couple of days and then she text on Thursday saying she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and now she can't stop thinking about him and all these feelings were resurfacing. He didn't reply and she sent another one saying his stupid she is. He didn't reply and she said she gets the message and that I'm so lucky to have him.

DH has just told me that she text again on Friday night saying she missed him and wishes they would have had a chance of being together and she still thinks about him and the night they were together. He deleted it straight away and said you could tell she had been drinking because of the way it was typed and some of the words were spelt wrong. He didn't tell me because we've had so much stuff to deal with and he wanted to wait but admitted he wasn't sure if he was ever actually going to say anything because of the implications with work and it bringing up old feelings and memories for me.

I believe DH and understand why he didn't tell me. I don't know what to do about OW. She's clearly having a rough time but so am I and it doesn't give her the right to try and start things up with my husband especially after I've been so nice to her. Should I contact her or just leave it to DH to ignore her? I know some of you might think I should be suspicious that he deleted the text from Friday but I honestly believe him. We've come a very long way since this happened and he's a completely different person to who he was then, and so am I. And I know circumstances last time were different as we were fighting and probably going to break up but now are so strong and have DS.

I don't even know if I'm angry or upset or anything else because I've felt a million and one things over this past month! I'm just sat in the bath hoping for some good advice off mumsnet!

Given the odd stalkerish behaviour of this woman I think you need to take certain precautions.

• Make sure all your social media settings are on tightest security.
• Make sure cameras and phone cameras aren't logging location, which can be checked on social media (so she'd know when you're out/when or where husband is etc).
• Don't check in on FB etc.
• Don't advertise the fact that you as a family, or you alone, are away from home (e.g. holiday pics).
• Don't allow your baby to be in the same nursery that she has access to. Make sure all staff are briefed that she is a potential risk to your child (in case she resigns quietly and then tries to override security checks later by claiming you asked her to pick your baby up, etc).
• Look into ways to prevent identity theft. Including what access she has had, whilst working at the nursery, to your files, bank details, emergency contacts, parents address. Check she hasn't added herself as an approved guardian/collector of your child.
• Be wary of unsolicited 'gifts' etc that arrive in post.

-Shred all personal info, bank stuff with a decent grade shredder before disposing of it.

I am sure the police or stalker helpline sites will be able to give more advice. Due to my line of work I do all the above anyway, and indeed most people should. It's not too onerous but I appreciate you're probably not feeling up to it at the moment. At least make sure your baby is protected.

It solooks bad like she saw an opportunity and took it. Possibly due to her divorce age feels lonely and was reminiscing. Well done to your DH for telling her not to contact him.

Well done to your DH for telling her not to contact him.

Yeah give that guy a medal!

I wasn't sure if your child was in your nursery or not, but to make a move on someone you know to be a married man - irrespective of the history - who is both a husband of a colleague and a client is bonkers on her part.

It strikes me that she's a master at manipulating people when they are vulnerable. Based on the state of him the last time you miscarried she was likely hoping that he and you were coping badly with it like you did the last time and she chose this time to make her move.

You've handled this well, but do take more precautions - she's been far from reasonable and logical here and is happy to risk her career like this. So be mindful that she could be capable of worse and be prepared. You are too nice and considerate and that will back fire on you if you let it.

She's a fucking arsehole, I would be furious if I were you!! I hope she sees this thread.
I would be finding it hard to not have it out with her but as you sound much more mature than me in your place I would raise a grievance at work.

If she loses her job she has nothing to lose by continuing texting and let's face it she doesn't seem to have any control right now

Oh, but she does. Two counts or more constitute harassment under the Telecommunications Act, arrestable offence.

I would be worried about her lack of control and persistent contact: Single White Female been mentioned yet? Be careful, OP, no harm in being careful.

I would be finding it hard to not have it out with her but as you sound much more mature than me in your place I would raise a grievance at work.

Dear lord, please read the full thread, or at least the OP's bits: they're in green.

She's breached some rule at work here surely.

OP does she know about your m/c this time around too? Absolutely shocking if she does, knowing that it was a m/c that caused problems in your relationship which led him to her the first time around and now she's trying it on hoping the circumstances are the same!

jeez, what a nutter

dh should have told you but think he was trying to protect you

glad work have been supportive

i would be tempted not to block, only to see/know if she tries to contact again,but if she does just ignore

You poor thing you are in the thick of it, right now. I do hope that both you and ds recover quickly.

I'm glad your employers are taking this mad cah's actions seriously. Remember, you have nothing to be ashamed of and neither you nor dh created this situation. Furthermore, neither of you are responsible for her actions, whatever happens is entirely of her making.

Good luck over the next few weeks, I hope that you are well enough to enjoy your time off and have the opportunity to do some nice things with ds.

I do think it would be a good idea if your DH made the complaint to the management/company, since he was the one being harassed. Also, if it comes out that he is the one who complained, it would really nail the lid on the coffin of their "fling" for her - whereas if you do it, it's all just "jealous wife" stuff. (Obviously if she's a sane and reasonable type - if she's not then it won't make any difference either way, but let's hope the first one is more likely)

Please get your DH to make the complaint.

I think she is going to get sacked today.

DH got a phonecall during the night and it went to voicemail. She left him a message telling him she had been drinking and that he was the best sex she'd ever had and she thinks he wants her as much as she wants him. She also said that she was home alone, naked waiting for someone to come and fuck her and she wanted that to be him.

This was done off her work mobile. He got the message when he woke up about six this morning and I recorded it on my phone before emailing it to HR along with a screenshot of the number it came off. It was horrible to listen to. I got a phonecall off work just after eight and they're as shocked as I am that she's done this. They were seeing her at half nine. I don't know if they can tell me the outcome right away or if they can sack her straight away.

It's DH's first day back at work today and he felt like he couldn't leave me with that message in my head all day so he's had to call in sick.

I am really feeling sorry for her now. She needs help. I can't believe she's escalated it to this. She's been so stupid but she's clearly not in her right mind at the minute.

Fingers crossed Dilly! Let us know how it goes
If not you can always set your sisters dogs on her I'm sure!

I think its for the best, Dilly, if she does get sacked. Your DH ought to block her number(s) now.

She doesn't know where he works or lives, does she?

Yes, she needs help, but its not your job to worry about that. You've got enough to deal with at the moment, and TBH you probably are the least well positioned person to help her anyway.

Clearly she needs help, but she also needs to lose her job over this surely. Fingers crossed for you, you can really do without this hassle

Good god OP the OW sounds completely unhinged. It's a pity she is depressed/sad/mad over the breakdown of her marriage but that is no reason to harass your DH. He may want to get police involved if she continues to harass your DH as she could use other means besides his mobile number.

She has made the cardinal sin of using her work email to call him and I'd tell your DH to forward this to your work.

This comes under gross misconduct in most jobs regardless of time worked - hopefully she will be sacked or be given the opportunity to resign.

I'd just like to reiterate OP again that none of this is your fault and her state of mind is her own, she has her own family, friends and doctor etc to call upon for help re her mental state if need be.

Bloody hell OP, she sounds nuts! Eight years on and she's still going on like that... There's no way they'll be able to keep her after this, especially off a work mobile. She's completely pole vaulted over the line now, completely unprofessional and wholly inappropriate. What a stupid woman. Hope you and DH are okay

her own responsibility I meant to add.

also if work do take a lenient view and don't sack her (and I hope they do sack her or make it impossible for her to stay, so she resigns) you must reiterate how harmful this behaviour is to you and your DH and the harassment part is against the law. You need to set out your side of things and not think of her or her wellbeing at all.

You've been kind and understanding enough as it is so far.

Oh Dilly

Sweetheart in the nicest possible way, you need to try to forget about her and whatever worries she may or may not have. You need to focus on you and yours. You are the important ones here, you are going through so much, you don't need the stress that all this is causing x

Bloody hell she sounds completely unhinged.

Does she know where you live?

at update.

Wow! She sounds like she has a lot of problems and issues.

Woah......

She's completely on self destruct mode.

Christ Dilly - that's atrocious behaviour from her! I don't know about not being in her right mind, but she's clearly got issues with drink and self-control, and she needs help with those for sure.

Maybe if she DOES get the sack, the reality check will help her with that. I really hope that's the end of it from you and your DH's point of view. :(

for you both.