No children at destination wedding

[RubyRed6878]

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

Your DP needs to talk to his siblings. These are people who are going to be related to you for the rest of your life. You will have to liaise in respect of parental illness, dementia and death, all far trickier issues than whether to have children at a wedding. You need to have the discussion with them, face to face or by phone.

My SIL went bridezilla with a wedding abroad to my brother when I had a 2 yo and a 4 month old. She went as far a micromanaging which hotel room we would be allowed to book and pay for (we asked for 2 rooms, a request she denied). They were then hurt and offended because I turned up (flying in for 24 hours) without my family. It has affected her relationship with the rest of our family including parents ever since.

If you see your wedding as your formal entry into your DP's family, then you simply talk to them first and see what they would like to do. It isn't rocket science, just good communication, which is a skill which will assist you when the more difficult issues arise.

You know what it is reallt such a minor thing to allow a couple of young children at the wedding. ..why make a big deal of it?

I wpuld never leave a 2 year old in hotel childcare. Why don't you just persuade your DH to relax about it and see thst in the bigger picture it's more important to have respect for your family than have some mystical perfect day.

OP, I think the problem is and you already know this, your BIL and his wife will be upset with you. They have form for wanting children included and you are proposing something that even the nicest person would raise eyebrows at.

Leave aside the rest of the guests and your family who are all lets assumed -thrilled with the plan. These particular guests will be getting the message:

1. We don't care if you come
2. We certainly don't care enough to make it easy for you.
3. If you come, spending lots of your own money to do so, that's your choice.
4. Your children aren't welcome.
5. Even if there are other strangers children nearby on the beach or at the pool the family children must be kept far away.

They'd have to like you an awful lot to think "what a brilliant plan without any flaws and what's even more wonderful is that we have the choice of saying yes!"

They'll decline and complain about how you invited them but clearly didn't want them there. And they'd be right, won't they? You don't really like then very much.

I think it's tricky if it's family. It's a bit sad you don't want your nieces/nephew at your wedding, but of course that's totally up to you. Just have a very honest discussion with your Bil. If it's easy to arrange some childcare for the service, then great. If not, I would personally allow family children as long as they are removed from church if they are disruptive. I doubt you will even notice they were there. We had several babies at our wedding and I didn't notice them at all during the service.
You risk coming across as Bridezilla for something that is such a minor issue.

You can issue whatever kind of invite you want, but I must admit it does seem rather selfish. It's all very well to say you are not pressuring anyone into attending, but by inviting then with a difficult set of circumstances to work around (time off work, big expense, childcare), you are creating a problem for them just in terms of forcing them to make that decision and spend time and headspace and energy researching how and if they can go. I think you need to be very very careful in how you present the invitations and preferably some sort of sweetener to show goodwill, eg contribution to part of costs, a funded childcare solution or similar.

OP, you made the following two statements in the same post:

The only people who really care about watching us say "I do" are our parents and they love the idea of doing it abroad.

Maybe from everyone's responses we don't send any invites out and just have parents and us abroad? But then we upset people who want to come and would have happily travelled....we don't know what to do.

That sounds a little contradictory to me. Either they don't really care, in which case no upset, or they do.

TBH, if one of my siblings presented me with a 'I'm having my wedding far away and expensive, it would be great if you came but I don't want your kid at the ceremony, so if that's an issue it's fine if you don't come' I would be pretty hurt. Because it matters to me that my siblings are getting married, and them putting those barriers in place and being very blasé about whether they have a shit about my presence at their wedding would be hurtful, whether I said so or not.

Only you know what the relationship with your BIL is and whether he would find such an offhand approach hurtful.

And no, I wouldn't have been able to leave my toddlers with strangers at a kids club in a foreign country. I don't think you are aware how much of a big ask that is - or at least you weren't before this thread.

Your wedding, your choice. Just make the rules really clear.

How many kids are we talking? Could you organise some sort of childcare during the ceremony?

We went to a wedding recently where the bride and groom organised a children's entertainer to be in the next room with the kids during the ceremony. That worked really well, and I was more than happy to leave my kids because they were nearby. I probably wouldn't be happy leaving them in a kids club in the main hotel if the wedding was a bit further away.

tootired
If your circle of family and friends is financially comfortable enough then none of this will be an issue. Plenty of people have a destination wedding but not folks for whom it would be a huge expense. There's a huge range of socioeconomic groupings on mumsnet.

I don't know that money's the only issue. We could easily afford a couple of weeks in Mexico but I wouldn't consider doing long haul with kids until they're old enough to deal with jetlag by having a lie in.

Maybe a lot of people will think you can have whatever you want at your wedding, but personally I think you're being selfish and unreasonable and putting family and friends in a VERY difficult situation.

If you don't give a shit about whether they can make it or not, just go off the two of you and get married. If ACTUALLY - you'd like your friends, family and loved ones to see you getting married to the love of your life (although to be fair he sounds like a bit of an asshole as well) I suggest you wind your neck in. The very idea that you'd want people to fly half way round the world for your wedding and then somehow dispose of their kids is just wrong, plain wrong.

I have NEVER been to a wedding where a child has seriously disrupted it. As a PP said, weddings are not supposed to be solemn - they're supposed to be full of laughter and love. I HAVE heard a baby gurgle (or even cry for a moment before being whisked away), but no serious disruption, ever. I have been to a LOT of weddings over the last 10 years. 20+ easily.

When we planned our wedding we constantly thought of how to make others enjoy the day. We were bound to - it was our wedding - so why not spend some energy thinking about others?

YABVVVVU.

Nobody knows what someone else can easily afford unless they advertise the fact they are loaded/skint. People who are seemingly wealthy still might not have the cash available to spend on travelling across the world to someone else's wedding.

I have NEVER been to a wedding where a child has seriously disrupted it. As a PP said, weddings are not supposed to be solemn - they're supposed to be full of laughter and love.

Well done. I have. It's a perfectly valid choice not to invite children. To ask people to fly long haul then put their children in unknown childcare is not on.

There is no reason at all why a child free wedding can't be a fun and happy occasion. Adults have a good time with lots of laughter even without the presence of children.

I have been to two destinations weddings and both crap. Both off people where an invite comes with a suitcase full of emotional baggage. Invites can definitely be a summons if you value any family harmony even if it's not from the couple themselves. If you asked the wedding couple they would tell you how wonderful it was and everyone really wanted to be there, that's what guests do they waffle the old cliches. The Bil is being put in a horrible situation unless he does not want to go as he now has a perfect excuse not to go.

YABU, because your solution isn't practical for many parents.

Another issue is that a parent may book their children into a kids' club, then what happens if the children don't want to go on the day?
I would not force them to go.

The actual vow making part of a ceremony only lasts a few minutes (especially with weddings abroad unless you're doing a church service). So if you are genuine in that the children are welcome at the reception but not the ceremony itself, then as host you should provide a solution for that ten minutes. All the kids need to do is get taken for a walk down the beach while the serious bit happens and back to join in for the confetti and photos.

If there are two families with dcs, then why not suggest that you hire a hotel nanny for that half an hour to provide entertainment, but that the parents of the children take it in shifts to be the 'on duty' parent with the nanny, so they all get to be in the ceremony for a bit.

(However, it sounds to me that actually you really don't want children at your wedding at all . If that's the case be honest about it and hold a small parents -only do in Mexico and don't invite family members to bits of the event but not other bits)

Of course screaming kids can spoil a ceremony! If SIL/BIL have form for refusing to remove their kids once they are playing up, then child-free wedding is a good solution, assuming you know and don't mind them being pissed off. They will think you're unreasonable, but it's down to your priorities. TBH, is do child free in those circumstances. But they WILL work out that you don't value them as much as your friends.

An example: my brother planned his wedding in Las Vegas for a month after my DC1 was due. I was flat broke (redundant), would have to travel a couple of hours to an airport plus flight times to stay in their designated expensive hotel with a newborn. They clearly didn't want us there. In the end their best friend couldn't afford it so they rearranged for the UK (same date, remote venue) but said it was child free. I could bring the baby if I sat outside the ceremony in a different room on my own.

I learnt my place in their lives. I won't forget it. But it was the right decision for them since they don't care how we felt.

Destination weddings are fine if you and your desired guests can afford it: how is it any worse than suggesting a joint holiday? People go on holiday with friends.

As Mexico is a zika area I suspect people with young children who are not sure that they have completed their family yet will not want to go anyway.

Destination weddings are fine if you and your desired guests can afford it: how is it any worse than suggesting a joint holiday? People go on holiday with friends.

Generally you have some say in the budget,timing and location of a joint holiday with friends, as well as there only being a few of you. It's in no way the same as a wedding abroad.

Just because you can afford to go doesn't mean you'd want to spend a large amount of money or annual leave on a destination wedding.

Your right to have an overseas wedding and your right to say no kids at the ceremony. However it's going to (rightly) annoy parents UNLESS you pay for a nanny service, the parents get to meet the nanny or nannies and the children are close by while the ceremony is taking place. If you're just saying "kids free" during the ceremony that really shouldn't be an issue

That seems like a lot of people for a destination wedding. I wouldn't be happy going to any wedding without my child/ children. But I certainly wouldn't travel to another country and leave them.
I can see your point, but I wouldn't attend as it would mean leaving lo.
(And personally I hate child fee weddings).

Have you read the thread strongmummy? Many, many people are saying they wouldn't leave their children with an unknown nanny service. I highly doubt who pays for it will make any difference to that.

I think this is one of those situations where if you have a child yourself, you will look back at your long destination but childfree ceremony as all kinds of crazy. I wouldn't leave my children in an unknown kid's club. Unless there is a teenager going who could be paid to watch the children in a hotel room for a couple of hours, I can't see many of your guests being terribly happy.

Of course the other option is not to go which is what I did when told I couldn't take my then three month old to a wedding. I wasn't put out at all if I'm truthful but if I had incorporated a long haul flight, I would have thought differently.

I think this is one of those situations where if you have a child yourself, you will look back at your long destination but childfree ceremony as all kinds of crazy.

You don't need a child to realise it's a ridiculous plan.

Completely unrelated to the OP, but I have finally accepted I need to go to SpecSavers - I read the title as No children at desensitisation wedding.....oh, boy.

I wouldn't drag my children on a long haul flight so that I could attend a wedding where my children were not welcome. I certainly wouldn't leave my 2yo in the care of a complete random.

I think you risk putting-off members of both your families from attending by having a wedding in this manner. That's your choice but I think you risk upsetting people who might love to attend and celebrate your marriage.

But

Ha. Ignore that 'but' - nothing further to follow.