No children at destination wedding

[RubyRed6878]

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

Perspicacia

Your post should be pinned to the top of any wedding thread!

In the nicest possible way...your wedding is a (hopefully) "once in a lifetime" day for you, your DP and very closest family. But for most of your guests it is just another wedding, hopefully a special, happy, lovely day, but one of many weddings they will attend. TBH I think you have forgotten that you will be hosting this wedding and as hosts your first duty is to the comfort and consideration of your guests. They are guests...not an audience paying to watch you do what you want.

Some way back the op said weddings are hard to get right.

A very interesting statement because weddings aren't hard at all if you rein in the self indulgent, bridezilla, once in a lifetime nonsense.

There is no way on earth I'd even think of going DC or no DC. I can't afford 4 flights and a holiday in Mexico. I don't want a holiday in Mexico. I'm not dragging my DC that far without it being a holiday. It would be a hellish journey for a lot of people with DC. School age children can't easily p be pulled out of school. Prices in school holidays are eye watering.
I wouldn't care if you were a close family member - the answer would be no. I might just consider it if you were paying for the whole thing. My DC would be fine in a holiday club but a lot wouldn't

I think YABU as the whole point of weddings I think is to enjoy the day with family and friends of all ages. I also think I would be asking nieces and nephews to be a part of the day eg page boys and flower girls.

The whole point of a wedding is for a couple to make a lifelong commitment in front of whoever they want there.

On the pre-arranged wedding childcare at a foreign venue issues, this can be very variable and difficult to arrange from abroad in advance, even if you're fluent in the local language and have connections. We took our son to the wedding of friends in a remote bit of Italy when he was two, and the bride and groom (both based in London, but from opposite sides of the world, and who had met in Italy) had gone to endless trouble to cater for the twenty or so children who attended, and I think genuinely believed they had. We'd certainly been assured there was qualified childcare at the venue (a small chateau (castello?) in a vineyard), games, children's meals, a place for them to sleep etc. We'd no choice about bringing him if we wanted to go, as all our families are in our home country.

In practice the qualified childcare meant a very sweet, very young couple who were trained in circus skills , only spoke Italian and whose only experience with children was facepainting at children's parties, who ran around with them doing hide and seek in enormous grounds on top of a steep mountain side with vertiginous unfenced drops, but with no one keeping an eye on which children were where. We couldn't leave our two year old with them at all - and none of the parents of the younger children, which was most of them, could - which means we rather grimly tag-teamed all evening between the distant children's area and the dining room. The sleeping area was two chenille bedspreads and some cushions on a stone floor.

And we'd been informed there would be regular mini-buses shuttling between the wedding venue and the distant city hotel all the guests were staying in -- no one had said the first one wasn't leaving till midnight! So many parents were trying to get on it with hysterical toddlers it was like the last helicopter out of Saigon.

We did actually have fun, but I'm not sure I would have done it if I'd fully realised how exhausting and stressful it would be.

I'm interested to understand why Mexico op?
There are some breathtakingly beautiful places in Mexico but the area within an hour or so of Cancun is very built up. There seemed to be miles of enormous hotels, with an awful lot of people.

I'm hopefully off the mark here (and you've chosen Cabo) but I bet if you went on Travel you could find recommendations somewhere closer to home that fits your requirements.

I'd say you are eloping to Mexico. If anyone wants to join you for some sunshine and margaritas, they are welcome. Then you can stipulate your child free ceremony without looking like a complete twat.

Also, if anyone with kids would like to come - like your future brother in lawarrange for a private nanny or three and rent a private room instead of expecting your guests to sort out childcare via hotel. Make it part of the pre arranged wedding package. Most two year olds would cry if left with a complete stranger the first time and parents do a settling session with a nursery / childminder. So I cannot imagine any of your guests would be happy dropping off a toddler for an hour or two, knowing their child would be miserable and crying for at least part of that time.

i wouldn't go.
i wouldn't go anyway tho kids or not.
but i do not put my kids in kids club at all.
i have declined more local weddings as childcare would be an issue.

we got married down the road in the reg office and only invited our parents. we did what we wanted, you do what you want.

I'm going to break with most of you here, and say that it sounds fine to me, as long as you organise a couple of English speaking nannies for the ceremony.

For the people that come, its a holiday in the sun, and your wedding, and the ceremony is only a small part of that, so it's a tiny proportion of the holiday that you're asking them to have the children in childcare.

The alternative is that you plan for the children. We had about 25 under the age of 6 at my wedding, but we didn't have any noise during the vows. How? We put on the initial invite, for the parents, that if if their child made noise, could they please go out. The vicar then reinforced that at the very start, when reminding puerile people to take switch off phones etc. Those Were were the sticks.

For the carrots, there was a creche at the back of the church, and each child had a colouring and puzzle book we made about the wedding, with crayons, with a colouring competition for the reception. There were also snacks available.

For the reception, they had a large room next to the main hall, with toys etc, which we brought in, and lots of large cushions and affirmed airbeds for napping and sleeping later in the evening.

There was no screaming or tantruming. I'm not a massive children person but in keeping the children happy, it kept them occupied and quiet, and therefore enabled the adults to enjoy the time too.

So, I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting a child free ceremony, but if you have them there, there are measures you can take to make it less likely they'll cause problems

What cochineal7 said!

Cousin invited me to a wedding in South Africa and said no kids. I had to turn him down because we couldn't afford to get there, and no-one to leave the kids with here if we both went, and I guess I could have gone on my own and left DH with kids but even that is a couple of grand.

So I said no, and he was lovely about it, but I felt so guilty and sad to miss out on his wedding.

Also scrubbedpine LOL that sounds hideous, hideous.

Ps: the word puerile was my phones predictive text going off on one. Oops.

You're asking the wrong people. If your circle of family and friends is financially comfortable enough then none of this will be an issue. Plenty of people have a destination wedding but not folks for whom it would be a huge expense. There's a huge range of socioeconomic groupings on mumsnet. For some, what you are proposing is unthinkable. Go get married in Mexico, invite who you want and have a word with DB about a nanny for an hour. Honesty it will be fine. FWIW we got married in Mexico in a gorgeous little chapel on the beach. No one was gawking at us although we did see those weddings that were done out in the open. We invited 100 and 78 came. Everyone had a blast. We did have kids at the ceremony but we have family who are considerate enough to remove a screaming child. We did hire a nanny to provide entertainment for the little kids at the reception. It can be done.

I think child free weddings are boring and antisocial. Your wedding could as easily be interrupted by an adult having a sneezing attack. Most people remove their child if they get a bit antsy and you could supply a bag of quiet activities to keep little hands and minds occupied.

Or you could piss off your family and get wed under a cloud.

I take you don't want to have children yourselves then OP? yabvvu I don't see anyone paying god knows how much to fly around the world for a ceremony that will last less than an hour? and pay for kids that are then left in a creche or similar.

It's not just the money either. It's having to spend your precious annual leave on this.

Your wedding, your choice. If you don't want kids there - don't invite them. But make sure people understand this doesn't mean no kids apart from theirs.

Could I suggest you fix a date for the UK celebration, and send both invites to people at the same time. That way, they can choose whether they come to Mexico or not, knowing there is an alternative.

Think about what's most important to you, and why- when we got married, that got a bit lost in the detail because it's v easy to get sucked into the planning.

For us, we only had immediate family children (nieces and nephews) because otherwise we would have had 100 adults and 55 children which felt insane. We'd been together a long time, and really getting married was a way to acknowledge the commitment we'd already made to each other publicly in front of family and friends. Which meant the focus was on celebrating with them, and making them feel comfortable.

The prep, and the ceremony, was really about immediate family. The reception about a larger celebration. I think you run the risk of not quite getting what you want the way you've described. If you push your DBIL out, and cause a rift, trust me that will colour your memory of the day, even if the ceremony goes perfectly. It doesn't really matter if he's reasonable or not, you'll have to live with the fall out.

I think you need to find a way to signify to them you recognise them as close family- making them part of your family is one of the main points of having a wedding ceremony. Prioritising your welloff childfree friends will be interpreted as a snub.

It's difficult, but I'd really examine your motivations- if your friends are close, and deep down you care more about celebrating with them and parents, then maybe it's a manageable choice. But I'd think a) about the likelihood of a rift/coolness and how that will really effect you and b) about the fact that most people will feel an obligation to try and come if they can. It's not the case you shouldn't give them the choice, it's just you may find far fewer people then attend the UK party, and there's not a v representative sample of friends and family at the actual wedding because it's decided more by who has enough money rather than who is closest. Say 20 people come: 10 are close family, 5 are close friends, and 5 are people who you catch up with one or twice a year and probably rank 90th out of the 100 invites you sent out in terms of closeness. It might be odd.

Think about the reality of it all, not just what's 'reasonable'- you know your friends and family, and ultimately you want to enjoy the day. It's a party about love! It should be wonderful.

Best of luck.

My sibling got married abroad. Anyone who wanted to travel was more than welcome. It would ha e cost us over 5k to go. We just couldn't afford it. They also had a party back here. Don't think it makes up for it, it doesn't. I was gutted I couldn't go and was the only sibling not to. They also wouldn't have dreamed of saying it was child free. I think that is rude and utterly ridiculous.

If my siblings or DH's got married and said our children were only welcome to the reception and could we stick them in a club with strangers, I'd be hugely insulted and not bother to go at all.

Op, are you and your fiance planning to have a family in future? I'd love you to revisit this thread in 5-10 years time when you are juggling the needs of your own children. You will then see just how ridiculous your views are about asking wedding guests to use unfamiliar and unknown hotel childcare for their 2 year olds in Mexico!

Good luck with your wedding plans, whatever you decide to do.

Ok. So I think you need to make some decisions:

1. Is the pressure to marry abroad now actually coming more from your Mum in the same way that staying home might come from your inlaws? Make sure your write lots of boring pros and cons list to see whether the romantic notion of Mexico is actually what you BOTH want, not to please anyone else.

As part of that list making, do ask the difficult questions of potential hotels and also on things like the Trip Advisor and wedding forums to see what the actual experience is likely to be. Those on this thread who have been to or seen wedding in Mexico make some excellent points about noise, lack of privacy, conveyor belts etc. Be sure you are going to get your dream.

1. Do you or your DP feel close to the rest of your families and not just your parents? If so, then making them feel welcome and accommodated at your wedding will be a good way to start married life. That's not about kowtowing to their needs, but being mindful of what will make your wedding a pleasurable experience for all. Believe me, you don't want guests with long faces and snidey comments ruining it.

1. Can you seriously afford what sounds like effectively two weddings? Great if you can, but go through all the extras on the Mexico upgrade list and all the costs associated with a big knees up at home and make sure you can.

1. What is most important to you guys? If it is being abroad and with your parents then I think just do that but do what someone suggested up thread and add a note to your UK party invite that says what you are doing. Make sure you only mention Mexico as a small family wedding ceremony that anyone is free to rock up to if they want. They then need to contact you directly for details. If you add lots of detail in the note then you are implying they are invited. That means they feel obliged to make a choice. That romantic idea of holidaying with you and seeing you get married might have waned a bit in the cold light of day and when they work out associated annual leave and cost implications. By letting them know anyone is welcome but not actually inviting them gives much better choice.

1. Childcare. This is really tough. There is no reason why you cannot ask for a child free wedding but the practicalities for a 2 year old with jet lag, on the other side of the world, in a hot country with bugs and food and childcare they aren't used to are unpredictable at best and hideous at worst. Is there any way you could offer to fund another flight and hotel room for someone to come the know to be the babysitter? Like your sil's mum or sister, for example. Someone you can welcome to the reception but you aren't close enough to expect to come to the whole thing.

1. What about reversing the whole thing? Have the wedding here and then have a blessing in Mexico rolled in to an extended honeymoon and welcome all and sundry to that instead. You will probably have to have a register office wedding in the uk for the legal bit anyway. This way you get all you want without the grief. If family don't want to go then it doesn't matter, they have still been to the wedding.

Also what Jaxhog said:

Could I suggest you fix a date for the UK celebration, and send both invites to people at the same time. That way, they can choose whether they come to Mexico or not, knowing there is an alternative.

That would have been a brilliant option for the wedding I did not go to and still feel bad about missing.

I think you need to consider what message your wedding plans are sending to both families.

Having a "destination wedding" that requires a long haul flight and potential vaccinations, plus a no child policy is telling people you don't want them there.

You also need to consider whether where you get married is more important than who you want to invite. Do you really want to piss off your in-laws from day one? And is having toddlers present so bad? Really?

Why can't you prime the parents to remove them if they start screaming. Also ask the registrar to halt proceedings until the child has been dealt with. This might embarrass the parents to take action.

In both OH's family and my family weddings are an excuse for a family get together. We are quite scattered and only meet up for weddings and funerals. No-one has had a child free wedding as it would never have occurred to anyone to do so.

Your options are:

1. Get married in Mexico with no guests and have a party at home
2. Get married at home with guests but no children and honeymoon in Mexico
3. Option 1 but with guests and no children
4. Option 1 with guests and children
5. Option 2 with children

I am old fashioned enough to think that weddings are not just about the bride and groom, but about everyone who has been invited as well. At the end of the day if the guests are happy then everyone is happy, and people will remember the wedding for all the right reasons.

If you invite guests to Mexico I think it would be very unreasonable to expect and wedding gifts as well.

Or you could just get married in Maui

Hey OP,
I'm a destination wedding bride that specified no kids (ducks for cover).....
We invited a lot less people but most of them accepted and are coming (we're paying for the accommodation if that makes a difference). We don't have kids and whilst we don't really mind if they attend the ceremony we don't have room to seat them at the reception and want more of a grown up evening reception than a kiddie-focussed one.
We specified no kids on the invitation and in the main this hasn't been a problem. Some of our guests have welcomed the opportunity/ excuse to have a child free holiday, some have decided that 1 parent will come and the other not, but it has caused a bit of confusion with others.
Some assumed that their kids could come to the ceremony and reception provided they covered their own accommodation costs.
On the whole I would say that whatever you do someone won't like it. It is your day and provided you're inviting people on the understanding that some won't come then I don't think yabu at all.
The only advice I would give having recently been in your situation is to make sure that the invitations are very clear, that you and your h2b are on the same page and if you think it's likely to be tricky with a particular set of guests just talk to them and find out what works for them within your parameters.
Other than that I think it sounds like a fantastic wedding. I've been to a friend's wedding in Mexico and a fabulous time was had by all. MN is very against such things but in rl you know your friends and what they can afford.
Congratulations and best of luck!

I'm amazed that you'd ask 100 people to spend a couple of thousand pounds each (in all probability) to come to your wedding, when you could invite them to a local wedding and go off on honeymoon together. Why would you want those 100 people there on your honeymoon?

And if there are only a very few children involved then why on earth can't they come? Are they still likely to be at the screaming stage by the time of the wedding?