No children at destination wedding

[RubyRed6878]

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

I was hanging there kondo...

Weddings really send people mad.

OP, when you have children you could well look back on this and cringe. I don't know anyone who would be happy to leave their children with hotel childcare until they had been there and checked out the quality of childcare on offer.

You need to have an honest conversation with family members with children.

I think the problem here is that essentially what you are doing is an extremely selfish thing, but you want a way to come out of it without looking selfish.

I think that the poster above has nailed it.

I know you really like the idea of getting married in Mexico, OP, and I'm sure you have some very personal reasons for it being so important to you, but a wedding is a family and social occasion, which you obviously agree with, as you are inviting 100 people, but by asking 100 people to come to MEXICO you are pretty much being the worst hostess you possibly could be, by putting 100 of your dearest friends and family into a difficult and inconvenient position. They don't want to go to Mexico. If they did want to go to Mexico, they would be doing it under their own steam. You are asking them all to spend thousands of pounds coming to Mexico to watch you get married. So let's just say a conservative estimate of £1000 per head, you are asking your friend and family to spend £100k on your wedding. Do you see how that seems selfish?

If you love your friends and family and want them to be there to celebrate your marriage with you, then you will have a wedding that they can actually attend and enjoy without anxiety or hardship.

If Mexico is important to you as a couple, which I'm sure it is, you will then have a wonderful, stressfree honeymoon there afterwards.

You're reading this and thinking "I SAID that I honestly am not bothered if nobody comes!" but really? If I get an invitation tomorrow in the post to your wedding, are you really saying you don't give a damn whether or not I come? Then why the hell are you inviting me?

Oh, because you love me and want me there, right? Okay, I'll come. So now I have to worry about whether or not DH and I can afford it and what we're going to do with the kids for a week, or am I really going to fly to MEXICO for 48 hours because I can't leave the kids with my parents for longer? And now I've also lost a week of my annual leave. I didn't really want to go to Mexico anyway. :/

Yeah, I don't think you actually love me or care about me at all, do you? Because if you loved me and wanted me (and the other 99 members of your guest list) at your wedding you'd have your wedding close to home.

(You did come on IABU, okay?)

Someone already suggsted it earlier and they are spot on: hire a qualified nanny from over here or offer to pay for BIL'a babysitter to come over. I'm guessing your budget is big enough.

I think a wedding in Mexico is very different to an abroad wedding say in the south of France, where you can get a low cost flight and make a long weekend of it.

Guests will presumably not be flying out to Mexico just for a long weekend.

We have a 2 year old and if I received an invitation like this I simply wouldn't go. If we could bring our LO with us we'd make a holiday of it, but if they are not allowed to attend any of the wedding then we wouldn't bother.

I would not be putting my child in care of the hotel nanny/creche/kids club/whatever.

Childfree weddings make more sense here in the UK, as people can use their regular childcare, family etc.
But flying out somewhere long-haul for a childfree wedding?
That's slightly ridiculous in my opinion.

Why don't you and your fiancé just go abroad and get married then have a big party at home when you get back?

If you decide to get married just you and dh abroad I wouldn't do it in mexico as many of the weddings are larger affairs and yours may pale into insignificance by comparison. If a hotel has five weddings on a day, and yours is just 10 people, then you are not going to get all the bells and whistles that other people get for larger dos because it wouldn't be worth it. Lots of USA couples go there to get married as it's a short hop for them. They bring perhaps a wedding party of about 40 people, more in some cases.
Yes you will get a table for dinner on the beache etc but you can do that any night in Mexico. When the next wedding has a dance floor and live band in the beach and dinner tables all set up around the pool you may feel yours is a bit humdrum in compass.
And don't underestimate the impact of everyone on the beach watching, it does bring it down a bit when everybody is in their beachwear.

Yep read the thread and have used nanny services in the past myself at hotels. Probably why I'd be comfortable with it. A wedding ceremony is half an hour max for god's sake. We're not talking weeks!!!

You've said that you would be inviting people, without expectations that they would attend.

The problem with this, in my experience, is that it's just not true that the people getting married with x demand say "Oh, too bad you can't come, never mind". They start whinging or coming up with solutions, or justifying why you could come if you'd just do x and y. Two examples:

DHs brother was getting married in the Caribbean and invited us. We were DINKS at the time. But we simply didn't have that kind of money, at all. Or the annual leave. (Unless you've seen someone's actual bank statements, you can't possibly say they can afford it!) They might as well have invited us to the Moon. They said repeatedly when sending out invites that it would be fine to say no, that they understood. The minute they received our decline, they were on the phone saying they'd lend us the money or couldn't we get a bank loan or or or. They weren't terribly close anyway, but it put a real divide between them.

Second one, my cousin had a child free wedding. Not an issue, I prefer weddings with kids myself but would have still gone normally. Except I had a six month old. Got my mum to check with aunt about babes in arms and the answer was no. So I declined (I'd have had to travel and stay overnight- if it had been local I'd have gone for a few hours). Again, as soon as they got the decline, they were on the phone saying that DH could sit in the hotel room with DC, didn't we have other babysitters, we could get a nanny for the day. None of that was going to happen. But that was just us "being obstructive and clearly we just didn't want to come"

The whole thrust of this thread seems to be that you want a thing which fulfils a vision in your head, and it's going to cost the people you want involved many many thousands of pounds collectively, plus it's going to cost them worry and goodwill. (I would not stop worrying about a young child in a creche in a foreign country, no matter how mice the occasion.)

How badly do you want it? And why do you want it. Why do you want it? Are there other things you will want from them in future that will potentially be to their detriment even if on the surface it seems like you've chosen a nice thing for them?

I would have been gutted if my brother did this. I wouldn't want to travel so far for a wedding, but would have for him. But to then expect me to put my children with strangers, no bloody way.

If the invite was from a friend then thanks but we can't is fine, it's a bit different to exclude a sibling in the same way. I doubt I'd go to the uk party in this circumstance, it would just feel such a letdown.

Having said that my sil and brother are lovely and would never have done something so twatty. I told sil I'd nip out if ds1-10 months started to cry. She said don't you dare, and when we got there she had one of the ushers make sure we went up to the front, I'd tried to hide at the back!

I wonder if your fiance's parents would be quite so enthusiastic about your Mexican wedding if they knew you were planning on excluding their grandchildren?

I can't imagine my parents would be terribly impressed!

Lunar1 the sad thing, on rereading this, is that the BIL and SIL are clearly prepared to come. The OP says she's 99% sure they'll accept.

So they're ready to take a toddler on a 12+ hour flight, with 6+ hours time difference, using at least a week of annual leave and spending god knows how much money -- and this thread is about how best to 'stay firm' and make sure the DP's own nephew doesn't attend the ceremony. Surely there's some lengthly back story to this? Why would anyone be so determined to alienate or insult their own brother?

What will you do if bil and sil smile and nod and confirm that of course they will leave junior in the childcare but
A) have no intention of doing so thinking op won't notice/won't want to make a huge fuss/it's only a few minutes etc etc and turn up with junior in tow
or B) have second doubts when they have sight of the actual arrangements and turn up with junior in tow.

Oh for goodness sake, plenty of people have destination weddings that are perfectly lovely.
OP, stick with what you and your DF want, as long as you're happy for people to say no.

Hi op,

Been to several weddings abroad-they were brilliant! As you say, those who want to come will come-there was about 60 came to the ones I was at. As long as there is decent notice I think it's fine.

One of them also allowed children in the ceremony but not at the wedding breakfast and had child care in an ajoining room-several people said that there was no way they could leave their kids or that the kids would refuse to stay, but everyone did on the day and they appeared to enjoy it.

Good luck with planning!

I think you're fine to do Mexico, with no children at the ceremony, inviting 100 people if you do it the right way.

Don't send formal invitations for it - send out an email saying you're getting married in Mexico and the big party is in the UK when you get back. If anyone would like to join you, they are very welcome. Childcare will be provided for all children during the child-free ceremony and child-friendly reception after. Then send formal invitations to the UK party.

You'll get some who will come and some who won't, but I think an informal invite with the child rules firmly laid out is the way to go.

Oh for goodness sake, plenty of people have destination weddings that are perfectly lovely.
OP, stick with what you and your DF want, as long as you're happy for people to say no.

Yes, whatever you do, don't think about other people's feelings or enjoyment, that is entirely irrelevant.

I had 30 people who were good and generous enough to fly 24 hours to come to my wedding (the rest of the guests were from Britain). I bent over backwards to make the entire experience as simple and straightforward as possible for them because I was so touched and grateful that they were willing to make such an effort and often sacrifice (money and time) to share our wedding day with us. The idea that their enjoyment or how easy they found it didn't matter because it was their choice to come is totally alien to me.

Oh for goodness sake, plenty of people have destination weddings that are perfectly lovely.

Yes but I've never seen one where parents were required to leave their kids with unknown childcare. Destination wedding is fine. Destination childfree wedding not fine.

I love Mexico! Don't get me wrong. I've been there every year for the past 3 years and plenty of times before that. But the flights to N. America were a PITA when my son was 2, especially the one back. We went to see family, as my father is too frail to travel here now, and stayed a month. If my sister announced she was getting married there and I'd have to spring for some resort and then dump my kid (when he was that age, assuming the hotel even offers that), it would have to be a 'no'. Sounds like your fiance doesn't care for his brother and his brother's family much, anyhow. I'd stick to your plan to just go with your parents and then have the party at home.

OP I understand where you're coming from a bit more with your update.

It's not specifically a child free ceremony you want, so much as a noise free ceremony , which is understandable. Apparently at our wedding one couple's 3 yr old ( DH's friends) made a racket throughout the ceremony so that those around could not hear at all. Luckily we didn't hear it so it didn't spoil it for us.

The reality is that very few DCs will make it to your destination wedding. Probably, in reality, only your BILs. Therefore, would it not be better to have a couple of groomsmen at the ceremony - or you could save the money hired on random nannies to pay for hotel staff to do it - when ushering in people to ask parents with young children to sit towards the back close to the aisle and remind them that if the children are making a noise, please could they take them out so that others can enjoy the ceremony.

I'm not particularly precious about wedding invites - will happily give cash, go child-free if it's feasible etc. etc. and I can still see that it's hugely problematic that people would spend a fortune to attend your wedding abroad and then have to hand their DCs over to a random stranger in order to actually see the ceremony. Doesn't seem that welcoming to me and implies that my DCs are brats that would make noise and that I'm an ill mannered boor because I wouldn't take them out if they did.

Yep read the thread and have used nanny services in the past myself at hotels. Probably why I'd be comfortable with it. A wedding ceremony is half an hour max for god's sake. We're not talking weeks!!! hmm

But the number of people who've said it wouldn't be fine with them strongmummy means it's a bit nonsensical to say it shouldn't be an issue. There's clearly a realistic chance that it will be. Not wanting to leave your 2 year old with someone you've never met before is a mainstream parenting view. I say this as someone who absolutely detests having to look after toddlers at weddings if it can be avoided (check my posting history for proof). That means for a non-insignificant number of parents, getting an invitation like this would be a request to spend a great deal of time, money and effort to attend a ceremony that one of them will miss while they do childcare.

What will you do if bil and sil smile and nod and confirm that of course they will leave junior in the childcare but
A) have no intention of doing so thinking op won't notice/won't want to make a huge fuss/it's only a few minutes etc etc and turn up with junior in tow
or B) have second doubts when they have sight of the actual arrangements and turn up with junior in tow.

This is a good point. Realistically, what are you going to do if they turn up with Junior claiming s/he was kicking off at the creche and they couldn't be left? While I think you're being very unrealistic OP, equally from the way you describe them they have form.

The OP says: 2 sets of guests have children. Both of which will scream the house down. Neither of which will take their child away from the situation if screaming occurs because they will want to watch their DB say his vows.

So both her fiance's siblings have children (not sure why only a single brother was mentioned at first), who won't be catered for in kids' club (because they don't take children that young).

I think arranging a wedding where you're planning on excluding/make it very difficult for your siblings to attend is a great recipe for a family rift that will potentially never heal.

As another poster has outlined, the ramifications could impact for years. Deliberately causing a rift seems pretty stupid.

"Deliberately causing a rift seems pretty stupid."

And for the sake of one day (well actually a fortnight). Hopefully a marriage is going to last a lot longer than that. Is pissing off siblings for a long haul wedding worth it for the years and years of resentment that will follow?

I think that if you decide to do this then you should research all details of the kid's club and include them in the envelope. Eg lower age limit, do they have to be potty trained, cost etc. Another idea could be that you have a children's entertainer or a private babysitter in a room nearby during the ceremony.

You might not feel like you are asking people to be there, but believe me they will feel the pressure to attend. People complain at having to go to weddings an hour's drive away - as special as this day is to you, it just isn't special enough to other people to travel halfway around the world and on top of that, you're telling them their children aren't welcome.

You are going to piss a lot of people off with this.