No children at destination wedding

[RubyRed6878]

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

Don't give up on your dream wedding. However, so stop acting like the attendance of friends and family has nothing to do with your expensive and inconvenient choice. Accept kids at the ceremony as the cost of doing business. Only invite those people you want at the wedding. The test of that? Are you prepared to pay for their flights, at least? If not, don't put the onus on them to spend thousands - just invite them to the UK celebration.

Couldn't just one or other of the couple come into the ceremony? Would it really both your DP if his brother was only at the reception?

Agree. You have to be very clear in you invite that you aren't expecting them to attend - or even that you mind one way or another if they come, and that you are having a UK party when you return and that you would love to see them.

Arent you asking the wrong crowd though? On here majority will have two incomes plus kids or even one income plus kids. Wrong demographics.

The term 'destination wedding' is hideous and no, you can't ask people to dump their children on random childcare, particularly if they're your siblings' children. Just be very clear before the ceremony starts that any children that make a squeak must be removed.

Oh, and it's DINKY, not DINCy

I wouldn't want to leave a 2yo with strangers. When our kids were 2yo, hell, till they were about 3 and a half, if we'd left them in the care of strangers they'd have cried for about the first 20 minutes of the hour. Bugger that, frankly.

I think you need to talk to BIL and SIL before you do anything. Personally I can't imagine anything worse than travelling long haul with a toddler and then spending a week in a hotel with them. Our kids (at 4yo) tend to wake every 90 minutes or so on the first night of any holiday which, coupled with the lack of sleep on the flight, and then the kid being jetlagged on the way there and the way back - oh hell no. If I were your future SIL I'd be extremely grateful to know that you'd have no hard feelings if I turned you down. My nightmare would be if you'd scoped out childcare and all sorts for me, and I'd look at your plan and know it wouldn't work for my kid, but I'd be obliged to say yes because of all the effort you'd put in.

I second what people have said about you having no control about what's going on in and around your beach venue during the ceremony. There may well be a beach volleyball competition nearby which will mean all the male guest's eyes swivelling like Catherine Wheels, there could be a Water Aerobics session going on just behind you, with loud music and clapping and splashing, and a host of random holiday-makers in unflattering swimwear hovering in the background.
I've just witnessed all of the above on my recent Mexico trip, but it was not an issue for me from the comfort of my beach cabana. It might be for you, if you want peace and quiet. And mine was an Adults Only resort. Factor in loads of kids squealing and you've got your (and your dp's) worst nightmare.

YABU and a little hopeful I think. We regularly visit an island resort that does lots and lots of beach weddings. These are set up on a cordoned off area of the beach and look stunning but resort life goes on all around that area including screaming kids, jet-skis, sunburnt men in budgie- smugglers trekking to and from the bar all of which must be audible in any video and in the background of any photos. I think 2 crying toddlers (assuming of course that they do cry, which is by no means a given) could be the least of your problems.

I just don't get the no children at wedding thing. My mum tried to impose it at our wedding 30 years ago but DH and I were having none of it.

Mexico idea, particularly coupled with the no kids rule, comes across as rather self centered, and quite the opposite to 'giving people a choice'. It's just way too far and too expensive. But if your guests can afford it and are willing to come (really?) then of course that's all that matters. Can you run the idea through a couple of very close friends who can give you an honest opinion?

Could you not arrange proper childcare for them if they decide to come? Like a fully qualified nanny or something like that. That should keep everyone happy.

A friend of mine got married in Mexico and when she invited us to the UK party it said something on it like 'we would love to share our wedding celebration in amexico with you on dates blah to blah but we understand a holiday is a lot to ask, so you are invited to our wedding party blah date'
It was probably worded a lot nicer than that. That way I knew I was invited but also that there was absolutely no pressure to be there.
They must have spent an absolute fortune because they essentially had 2 weddings.

In response to your op. I wouldn't go to mexico because of the Zika virus and if you ever want children I think you are foolish to do so. I also would not pay all that money to then put my children in a crèche with someone I didn't know.

People have said they'll be upset if we assume they don't want to come due to the distance, we want to give them the choice.

Hold on, OP. This is all very passive aggressive.

If you made it clear to people that you were having a do at home and you wanted a very small, intimate wedding. People would not be saying this.

I also suspect that this is not a statement being made in isolation. Rather, it's a response to you (rather passively aggressively) saying that you would luuuurrrvveee people to come but you don't think they will so you wont invite them

My SIL expected us to leave our baby who had recently nearly died of sepsis and our 2 and 3 year olds for 2 nights to attend her wedding in the middle of nowhere. This sound apparently be "relaxing".

I have no problem with child free weddings as long as it is easy to access appropriate childcare nearby. It doesn't sound like that will be the case here. So don't expect many attendees.

We would just decline invitation. Seems ridiculous. No chance would my 2 year old stand a unfamiliar creche in Mexico. I'd not leave him crying with unfamiliar people either. Having seen a number of weddings out there they are very cattle market and out in open anyway.

If you do go for this wedding in Mexico, as well as allowing children, I would be offering to pay at least for the flights of the important guests - family members, bridesmaids etc, as whatever you say they will feel obliged to attend.

Agree Bird. We paid for all the bridal party to come to Vegas for ours. I'd feel like a cheeky bastard if we didn't!

YABU to get married in Mexico. Maui is the new destination wedding place. No one would have minded leaving the children behind if it was there. HTH.

Haven't read the whole thread, but you might be over thinking this. I invited children to my wedding although I was worried about shrieking during the vows. As it was, I was so focused on the service and my new husband, I really didn't hear a squeak out of anyone. You might be surprised.

I think YABU as the whole point of weddings I think is to enjoy the day with family and friends of all ages. I also think I would be asking nieces and nephews to be a part of the day eg page boys and flower girls.

However, if you are dead set against it the solution would be to arrange a room nearby with toys etc for children that is manned by nannies where parents can leave their kids. Tell everyone in advance you have done this as there are no children at the ceremony. You may then find that a few adults don't end up going to the ceremony though if the kids don't settle with the nannies. If there are lots of kids you could keep this room going the whole day so the kids can play and give the parents a break!

Receiving an invitation to a wedding like this is one of my worst nightmares. I don't like ANYONE enough to spend a fortune jetting across the world to be extras in their melodrama!

I can understand why people want to sneak off and get married abroad. If they do alone or with a few significant others it can be lovely.

When you decide to invite the equivalent of your whole wedding party (100+) I can't help but feel you are shifting the cost of your lovely wedding onto your friends and family. It's an exorbitant cost for most people.

I would be very interested to know how many people are able to come, OP. When the wedding?

I would actually be really sad if my brother got married abroad as we probably couldn't afford to go. If he got married abroad and then said 'no kids'-I would have nobody to leave them with as all of our family would be at the wedding and if I had forked out for the holiday of a lifetime (which this would be to many-I don't think I'm alone here in thinking that?) I wouldn't want to do it without my children. I wouldn't leave them with a hotel babysitter either.

I'm surprised you know 100 people who will be up for doing this.

If that's what you want, then it's your wedding so go for it. I think you should fully expect that anyone with young children won't be attending though.

Do you have children, OP?

Will you be paying for your close family?