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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No children at destination wedding

540 replies

RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 08:55

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 10:39

heldtogether our parents want the wedding abroad...my mum said she's worried I'll cave in and end up having it in the UK to keep everyone happy - which seems to be what a lot of you are suggesting.

For context, 90% of our guests are DINC-ys. We're close enough to these people to know that they'd say "thanks but no thanks" if they needed or wanted to.

We were just sounding the idea of the child free ceremony abroad that's all and were interested in people's thoughts

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/11/2016 10:42

DINC?

Bountybarsyuk · 07/11/2016 10:46

I don't think pretty much anyone has said ditch the idea, go back to the UK, not very many anyway. There's a whole range of options between have child-free wedding in Mexico and invite 100 people and have it in the UK: have it somewhere nearer, have it somewhere where Zika isn't a risk, have it somewhere less expensive, have children there so those who have paid thousands to travel can attend with their children, have just your parents there and a big party on your return.

Why is your mum so invested in you having an abroad wedding? I find that odd to be honest, especially if some siblings will then not be able to attend who would like to do so.

But- it is your wedding, you do as you please!

ARumWithAView · 07/11/2016 10:46

Maybe from everyone's responses we don't send any invites out and just have parents and us abroad? But then we upset people who want to come and would have happily travelled....we don't know what to do.

Are there really ninety-six people who've insisted they would totally love to spend £5k attending a long-haul wedding? Or is it more that a few have said possibly from politeness; it's hard to know without context oh, Mexico, that sounds great, I'd love to come along... and you've taken this and decided to invite a UK wedding guestlist to a destination wedding?

Even without additional conditions imposed (ie child-free ceremony), this does look self-absorbed. It smacks of wanting both the exotic sunny wedding, and the mass gathering of family and friends at a UK wedding, and passing the cost on to your guests to achieve that.

Do you really want attendance at your wedding to be determined solely by who can spare £5k?

And the whole 'oh, we totally understand if you can't make it' thing is unintentionally rude, especially to close friends and family. Choosing such a long-haul destination strongly suggests that you don't care if they make it (especially your BIL and his family).

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 10:46

Double income no children (was also a new one to me until one couple exclaimed it the other week)

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 07/11/2016 10:47

Double income no kids/children (yet)

If you are close enough to theses people then you need to be explicit that you don't mind one way or another if they attend, in case they think you assume their dinky/dinky status means that they have the resources or inclination to use their annual leave and savings to see a friend (who isn't desperate for their company) get married

QueenLizIII · 07/11/2016 10:48

Ah ok backinthebox but alot of people wont know that if they havent been there and will be more wary.

Also I dont get the whole destination wedding thing unless you have a tie to the country.

One of my friends is Australian and she didnt have any plans to have the wedding in Australia. She said what was the point as her husband to be was British and none of their relationship had taken place in Australia, she had never been there with him.

I dont understand some random country with no ties to your family or any memories of your relationship to tie the knot in.

shovetheholly · 07/11/2016 10:48

Double income no children.

I think you have two options: either provide ultra high-quality childcare beyond what the hotel offers for the hour of the ceremony, or suck it up about the interruptions.

To be honest, I think when you are actually taking the vows you're not really aware of what is going on around you. A volcano could have gone off in the middle of my wedding and I wouldn't even have noticed. It is like the world telescopes to be about just the two of you in that moment. If you're aware of other people at all, however quiet or noisy, you're kind of missing out.

KlingybunFistelvase · 07/11/2016 10:49

Ah, do you know what OP? I've changed my tune here; from you last post, just do what you like! You know your guests better than us and I do know some DINC couples who would attend this and just treat it as amother holiday Smile. It's up to you how important you think having DP's siblings, nieces and nephews is. If you're really set on a big wedding abroad I think it would be much kinder to let the nieces and nephews come along and balls to your quiet ceremony. It really won't ruin your day if a baby makes a noise during your vows - I swear. That said if it's clear how it's going to be (no DCs) then you aren't doing anything wrong by them necessarily. As long as you make it clear.

People might silently be thinking you're a twat for expecting them to travel so far to watch you make your vows and have a piss up (sorry), but who really cares? And guests really should be brave enough to turn down your invite if it's going to ruin their holiday budget for the year to come along. Just make it crystal clear to all parties exactly what will be happening.

PurpleDaisies · 07/11/2016 10:49

Just because you've got two salaries and no children doesn't mean you have a spare few thousand or want spend it going to a long haul wedding.

honkinghaddock · 07/11/2016 10:49

I wouldn't travel abroad for a wedding and leave my child in a kids club.

seven201 · 07/11/2016 10:53

Sorry this has probably already been suggested as I've not read the whole thread. I think you should make an exception for your niece or nephew but make it very very clear that if the child starts to make any noise that he is whisked out of the ceremony. Surely sil wouldn't mind that?! My dd is much younger (4.5 months) but we've been to 3 weddings so far and she's not made it through a whole service yet as she can be a noisy little thing!

KlingybunFistelvase · 07/11/2016 10:53

That should say another holiday not amother! Stupid autocorrect!

Careforadrink · 07/11/2016 10:54

Sorry but I think yabu. It's a daft idea. Just go yourselves and do the party back home if you are set on Mexico.

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 10:54

Thank you *Klingy Smile I agree with your sentiment whole heartedly - especially the bits you say sorry for haha Smile

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 07/11/2016 10:57

In which case - why on earth are you posting? Confused

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 10:59

Sir to sound out the idea.....?

OP posts:
Fintress · 07/11/2016 11:00

The main reason ai would never accept an invitation to a wedding in a far fling destination is the thought of having to spend my holiday with a heap of people in a edding party. We go on holiday to get have time to ourselves and don't feel obliged to get involved with other people.

As I said earlier, Mexico isn't ideal for a destination wedding plus the hassle you have to go through to get married there is absurd. Blood tests (done over there), cost of translation of documents etc etc. But the lack of privacy is the worst one. Do you really want a crowd of strangers wearing swimwear watching you get married? Possibly with some rowdy kids in tow.

If you are set on Mexico and don't want children there then there are plenty of adult only resorts.

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 11:01

Thanks seven I think that's going to happen, if we choose to go down the Mexico route which everyone has made me question

OP posts:
derxa · 07/11/2016 11:01

I can't resist adding a message from an old fart. In my day every wedding was exactly the same and held in 3 or 4 venues. Everyone declared each wedding to be 'wonderful'. On our wedding day it was blowing a gale.
So I can't imagine getting married in Mexico far less asking people to travel there. What a bloody faff.

Mindtrope · 07/11/2016 11:03

Bridezilla.

SirChenjin · 07/11/2016 11:04

To sound out an idea to which you've already decided the answer even though the majority of the posters have disagreed with you...?

cochineal7 · 07/11/2016 11:05

You say you don't mind if people come or not. Except that from their perspective it will not be like that. I I would get an invite from a close friend or family member (sibling even in this case) for their wedding, whichever destination, my default position would be that I would want to attend, and also that you would want me to attend. So if the next bit of the message is: it is very far away, I could deal with that probably (or choose not to) but at least it is nothing personal. But if it then goes on with 'and we don't want your toddler (=our niece/nephew!) there' - than that invite suddenly seems not so very inviting or considerate anymore. So unless you pre-empt that last bit by actually making sure you have looked into all available reasonable options of childcare and offer those options together with the invite, I think YABU. I would also send out combined invites with the UK party to make absolutely clear you want them, and attendance at the UK party is just as special to you.

cochineal7 · 07/11/2016 11:05

You say you don't mind if people come or not. Except that from their perspective it will not be like that. I I would get an invite from a close friend or family member (sibling even in this case) for their wedding, whichever destination, my default position would be that I would want to attend, and also that you would want me to attend. So if the next bit of the message is: it is very far away, I could deal with that probably (or choose not to) but at least it is nothing personal. But if it then goes on with 'and we don't want your toddler (=our niece/nephew!) there' - than that invite suddenly seems not so very inviting or considerate anymore. So unless you pre-empt that last bit by actually making sure you have looked into all available reasonable options of childcare and offer those options together with the invite, I think YABU. I would also send out combined invites with the UK party to make absolutely clear you want them, and attendance at the UK party is just as special to you.

Isawthepigsfly · 07/11/2016 11:06

If my children weren't invited to my brothers wedding I wouldn't be going at all. Quite simple really.

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