No children at destination wedding

[RubyRed6878]

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

In the nicest possible way...your wedding is a (hopefully) "once in a lifetime" day for you, your DP and very closest family. But for most of your guests it is just another wedding, hopefully a special, happy, lovely day, but one of many weddings they will attend. TBH I think you have forgotten that you will be hosting this wedding and as hosts your first duty is to the comfort and consideration of your guests. They are guests...not an audience paying to watch you do what you want.

Yep, it sounds like you are trying to replicate a 'big white wedding' but in a destination setting. Inviting 100 guests to Mexico is utterly ridiculous.

Be prepared for the fact that many people wont come, children or not. Any particular fascination with Mexico.

I have to say that as a solo traveller with no children, even I would decline your invitation.

I take this from the FCO travel advice website regarding Mexico.

The Mexican government makes efforts to protect major tourist destinations like Cancun, Playa del Carmen, Cozumel, Los Cabos and Puerto Vallarta and these areas have not seen the levels of drug-related violence and crime experienced elsewhere. There have been several instances of armed crime both within and outside tourist areas in Acapulco.

Women travelling on their own should be particularly alert when travelling on public transport. There have been incidents of rape on urban buses (‘micros’) on routes in the south of Mexico City. Most attacks have occurred early in the morning or late at night. Several serious sexual offences have also occurred in tourist areas outside of Mexico City. Take care even in areas close to hotels, and especially after dark.

Don’t leave food and drinks unattended in bars and restaurants. Travellers have been robbed or assaulted after being drugged.

Add that to having to burn my holiday budget for the year for the pleasure of attending, I don't think so.

surely if you want to get married so far away, you elope, and dont put your friends and family to such expense. Loads of people will feel under pressure to go if theyre close to you, whether you say they dont have to or not.

As for being childfree AFTER travelling all that way, I think is a complete pisstake unless youre organising a nanny/creche

perspicacia totally agree - that's why we thought about going away in the first place. The only people who really care about watching us say "I do" are our parents and they love the idea of doing it abroad. The party in the UK will be a chance for everyone to be together, no boring ceremony, kids galore.

Maybe from everyone's responses we don't send any invites out and just have parents and us abroad? But then we upset people who want to come and would have happily travelled....we don't know what to do.

I think you are BU. That's a huge ask of an guests who are parents. I think even a "no kids" local wedding is a bit unreasonable.

My own view is that a wedding is not that it's all about the bride and groom having their "perfect" day - it's about family and friends celebrating a marriage. People will remember being hurt by thoughtlessness long after the day is past.

Why not ask the hotel if they can run a creche during the ceremony? My cousin did that and several parents took it up. The creche then moved to the reception and it was very popular there.

I think your last post is a good idea really. Tbh I think you'll offend more people by inviting them to travel so far away and then telling them to sort out their own childcare in Mexico as their children won't be welcome at your wedding than you will by not inviting them. Just do a big reception back at home and invite everyone (with or without children). That's what I'd do at least.

Of course you shoud have the wedding you want. Your money your choice . Just don't except many people to want to join you. It sounds like a total nightmare to me but I guess I'm not on your guest list .

Have you thought of Maui?

We got married abroad because we just wanted to get married and didn't want the stress of putting on a wedding coupled with the fact that I have about 60 relatives and DH has 2. We invited both sets of parents but both said no as they didn't want to go where we'd chosen and weren't that fussed about being there.

My parents wanted us to video the wedding so we borrowed their camcorder and took some footage of the journey to the destination (very remote), a tour of our room and the wedding itself. That video was 10 minutes long. I remember thinking then that it was such a fuss about nothing really!

Anyway, I think my long-winded response is that it's fine to get married abroad but don't invite loads of people to go with you. I know you've said you don't mind whether they turn down the invitation etc. but it's just going to put pressure on people, cost them a fortune and put noses out of joint. You certainly can't invite people with children and then say you don't want the children there, unless you've got something lovely planned for them but even then you can't guarantee the kids or parents will be happy.

It's just a wedding, a few minutes of your life. Keep it simple.

Mexico is also not a country I would be happy leaving my children out of my sight. Kidnappings a plenty over there.

OP people won't be upset if you say you have decided to keep it to parents only in Mexico and then have a party back here. Why would they be??

Come on op own it. You want your invited guests to be forced to decline rather than you lose face over not inviting. You're not going to "win" either way and it's the inevitable result of a wedding in a holiday destination. It is beyond unreasonable to expect people to travel to Mexico for a wedding but you know that and you're banking on them turning you down. You're asking for trouble, bad feeling and fall outs. People will be insulted that your choice inevitably excludes them (is that actually the whole point with Bil?), outraged tgat you expect them to spend thousands and use their family holiday time and possibly humiliated because there's no way they could afford it. It's outrageously selfish of you. To avoid trouble go to Mexico on your own or with your parents and get married then have your big wedding party at home.

Why not send out "save the date" cards for your UK party and include an extra note to potential Mexico guests saying that you are getting married in Mexico with immediate family but to please let you know by xx date if they are interested in joining you as they would be very welcome. Put the ball in their court to decide if they want to approach you.

This is the difficulty with destination weddings. I personally tend more towards inviting people and letting them refuse, but that's not ideal because people who are very close to you often do feel obliged to attend. The old MN maxim about it being an invitation not a summons only goes so far. OTOH, with it being Mexico maybe that will be less prevalent than it would be if you were somewhere closer and cheaper? Like, I could feasibly get to a wedding in France without it taking out all my annual leave and spending money for the year. Mexico would be verging on the impossible. So if I were going to feel guilty (which in fairness I wouldn't, all my family know how much I hate flying with small children) it's more likely I'd feel guilty about declining the one I could realistically get to. I'd probably think Mexico was just beyond my control entirely.

On the childfree thing seriously, how were you planning to deal with the possibility of other people's kids being in earshot and noisy? Were you actually planning to book an entire resort?

Yabu or something

Maybe from everyone's responses we don't send any invites out and just have parents and us abroad? But then we upset people who want to come and would have happily travelled....we don't know what to do.

I think you're vastly overestimating how many people would happily travel to Mexico. People understand a small destination wedding followed by a party at home. I don't think many would he thrilled to be invited to spend what's likely to be a few thousand on attending. It's awkward to have to decline, even if it's for a sensible reason.

Some hilarious replies here.

I doubt there is any case at all of foreign children being kidnapped from kids clubs in Mexican hotels. 😂
The riviera maya is one of the best organised holidly areas you could go to. You are a three day drive from the problem areas of Mexico.

The only people who really care about watching us say "I do" are our parents and they love the idea of doing it abroad

Then just have the wedding abroad with your parents. It's all very well saying that your friends and family don't have to attend, and you'll understand if they can't come, but it puts huge pressure on people to spend a massive amount of money to come. They may want to attend, but can't afford it. Or if they can only afford one holiday, you have effectively dictated where that holiday will be. They may feel guilty if they don't attend.

Why not have a very small wedding abroad, and then attach a ceremony/blessing to the party when you get home. That way, everyone can feel they have attended a special part of your wedding.

And if you do decide to have a larger wedding abroad, I really think you will just have to let children attend. IMO, you can't ask guests to travel all that way and then dictate that children will have to be in the kids club/with an unknown nanny. It's not like having a child free wedding at home, where most guests will be able to leave their child with a family member or friend for the day.

Indeed bird. It's more aggravating to be invited to a wedding like this than not imho. If you're invited, you have to really think about whether you can afford to attend and then sort out childcare. For me it would be a clear "no we can't" or "no I don't want to", but I know some others would start moving mountains to be able to be there and then probably resent it when they got there, especially if they then had to leave their children with strangers.

Your wedding your choice. But I would definitely not go if I were invited. TBH I wouldn't go even if you were allowing kids because I wouldn't be able to afford to go to Mexico. I think you have to expect people will be bothered by the rule though. It's one thing a child free wedding down the road where you can use a baby sitter you know, quite another to have one on another continent. I think if you're going to do this you need to establish there is childcare available for babies up and let people know what their options are with the invitations.

What expat and brat said. All very silly. Kids bring a bit of life and joy to what should be a happy occasion Why on earth would you want to inconvenience or risk upsetting people you care enough about to want at your wedding? Relax, don't stress, just enjoy your day and let everyone else enjoy it with you!

I think it's a bit naive to think that anyone, parents included, would actually WANT to travel to Mexico to watch a wedding, no matter how near and dear to them the bride and groom are.

People might do it. Parents will probably suck it up and do it. I might have done it for my sister or a close friend before DS came along, but I'd inwardly have been fairly annoyed and a little resentful that I'd been put in the position of either spending a huge amount of hard earned cash and annual leave or rejecting the invite.

Remember saying no isn't always easy. Emotions, guilt, fomo will play a big part in how people respond. Even getting some yes RSVPs doesn't guarantee that the guests who do go for it are delighted about the situation.

This may sound pessimistic but I think if you put so much stress into one day its going to end with disappointment in one way or another. Go as simple as you can and you have less to go wrong. We had less than 20 guests and dinner in a pub and everyone had a great time and 4 years on we have not burned any bridges or got into debt. A wedding will never be perfect because it is one day in your life, focus on making your relationship with your partner and family as good as it can be because that will last years! As pp I think honeymoon in mexico - I think you stand to lose a lot of sleep and friends with this plan

I'd just invite your parents and pay for them and say 'sorry everyone, the Mexico bit is private but we'd live to see you at our fabulous reception in the uk.' You can't say you worry about upsetting people who would like to come and CAN come, while at the same time not giving a stuff about the people who would either like to come but can't, or who don't want to go so far but feel obliged to.

You are far too wrapped up in the idea that people will be devastated if they can't come while ignoring the fact that the majority of your invitees will be offended by an invite that asks so much of them yet indicates that you aren't actually bothered what they do.

Putting it bluntly, you are suffering from the blinkered delusions of a selfish bridezilla. Invite your GUESTS if you want them there and be prepared to pay for them and make their arrangements, don't invite them if you are only doing it to be polite but don't actually care either way. Trust me, your guests would much rather congratulate you after the event in their home country.

I think it's weird to choose to have a (possibly) big, no-kids destination wedding if the people these choices are most likely to exclude are your DH's own brothers.

Is it really more important to you that your guests get to watch you declare your love for each other in pristine, undisturbed silence, than that those guests actually include your future husband's own family? That's not really what I would see as important on a 'once-in-a-lifetime day' but YMMV.

Ps QueenLIZIII, Mexico is a big place, and while you have to be more alert than in say Spain, it really is ok in most of the tourist areas, especially yucatan. I like the place so much I've just applied to spend New year there with work, since I have to be working then. It's no more dangerous than many other holiday destinations of the world such as many of the Caribbean islands or most African Safari counties.