No children at destination wedding

[RubyRed6878]

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

[Trifleorbust]

And if I were the BIL, I would desperately want to see my brother get married and might even be persuaded to part with a week of annual leave and a few thousand pounds to do it. But I would be very upset to be told it was 'entirely up to me' whether I came or not, my brother wasn't bothered either way, and I was expected to put my toddler in as-yet-unidentifiable childcare just in case he or she cried during the ceremony. Really horrible way to treat family.

[RubyRed6878]

Thank you for all the suggestions of sounding out childcare, much appreciated and will definitely do so.

Also about the zika virus, no intention of having kids any time soon for us, but again we totally accept this could be a factor for others and would encourage people to seriously consider it before travelling, yep.

Yes we have fully vetted the guest list in terms of "if I put you on a plane with 7 people for a week in Mexico, would you not want any of the following on the plane" ... all of the guests we'd be fine with having a holiday with.

For those saying were U for even inviting people to such a destination, is your solution to hand pick those we "think" could afford it and avoid inviting those we assume could not? And just sending them a UK invite? (Genuine question)

[ChatEnOeuf]

I'd much prefer to be invited and take this decision ourselves than to be told we weren't coming because of our DC. That said, she's pretty reliable at being quiet when occupied, and we are always prepared.

We would probably turn this into our main holiday and invite a grandparent along for the hour-long childcare break. But we do often travel with our family, so it wouldn't be unusual for us to do that.

However, I'm not done making babies, so I wouldn't go to Mexico, or any other Zika areas until I was.

[backinthebox]

I have just got back from a close relative's wedding a very, very long way away. It was stressful and expensive. Although I could have not gone the pressure on my family from other family members to go caused its own issues.

As the bride and groom you might not see why people are kicking up a fuss at you getting married abroad, but the fact that people are means that you are not seeing all possible aspects. By contrast lacing the onus on he guests to decide whether you are important enough to them to try and make the journey you are opening up a massive fan of worms. Imo it is more selfish to place this level of pressure on your loved ones than it is to say you are having a small wedding abroad just yourselves, no invitees and then having a big reception party when you get back. And that is before you throw in a no children clause.

If you really want to get married abroad go ahead and do it. But don't alienate your immediate relatives by excluding key members of their family and expecting them to bear the cost of it.

[JayneAusten]

I think the problem here is that essentially what you are doing is an extremely selfish thing, but you want a way to come out of it without looking selfish.

I don't mean this harshly as it's your choice, but you have to own it if you're going to do this. You have to say 'We're doing this because it's about us and we care more about that than about any of you being there or being unhappy'.

You want to get married thousands of mile away in another country. That matters more to you than getting married where more of your family and friends can attend. Your choice but a selfish one as you're considering yourselves not other people. You don't want children at your wedding. Again, selfish. People can argue it's your right and it's your day etc but whether you think it is ok to be selfish or not, that's what it is!

People who have made the huge effort, expense and inconvenience of joining you on your wedding day are going to be told that half their family isn't welcome at the ceremony after all that. They have every right to think that you are selfish and inconsiderate. You don't get to get out of that by saying it's 'their choice' to come.

Basically what you are saying is 'We care more about getting married abroad than having you at the wedding, if YOU CHOOSE to come (we don't care either way) then you may not bring your children, and if that means you can't come even though otherwise you'd like to, or that you have to do something you feel uncomfortable with, we don't care about that either. We care most of all about ourselves.

I wouldn't consider going to your wedding and I think you can reasonably expect your BIL to be very sad that you're effectively shutting him out of his brother's wedding and starting your marriage by making it clear you don't value your new niece's/nephews very much.

[SongforSal]

When my DC was little and the vicar asked the usual ''Does anyone have any reasons this couple can't get married ect''.....My then 3yr old screamed ''No!!''......Everyone thought it was hilarious. Anyway. People who travel with kids, will obviously see themselves as the wedding party. Personally, I would find it massively rude to exclude the children. LET'S BE HONEST. Most of us find the ceremony dull. The majority of the congregation can't hear a bloody word, and the only clue it's all over is when the bride and groom kiss. Have a box of toys for the kids or something. It's going to be a big expense for those that choose to go without having guests fretting over childcare in a different country!

[Bountybarsyuk]

Given the Zika, the expense, the lack of certainty of the childcare, I wouldn't go anyway, and I would assume that my brother wasn't that fussed if he planned a wedding which was so contrary to the needs of our family and other relatives. Older relatives- it's such a long way to go, anyone of childbearing age- Zika, people will try to find the money and feel guilty if they can't, if anyone gets pregnant they will cancel and lose a lot of money if they don't come. It just sounds incredibly stressful and not fun.

[KlingybunFistelvase]

I don't think yabu at all! It's your wedding and I think you are free to invite exactly who you please.

We had children at our wedding, but that was our choice. There weren't that many, they were all beautifully behaved and they made the dance floor a lot more fun! It helped a lot that our wedding was in a hotel as well, as little ones could be taken up to their hotel rooms easily when they got tired. There were lots of people able to babysit (not strangers - relatives of the children).

That said, I wouldn't want to attend the wedding you describe personally, even if you were related to me, but, as you say it's only an invite, not a summons.

Would a small part of me think you were being a little bit extravagant having a wedding somewhere 10 hours from home and expecting people to cough up for the journey? Maybe a teensy bit (sorry). I wouldn't hold it against anyone, but if I'm totally honest, when I get an invite to a destination wedding like this, especially from someone I don't know very well, I think it's a bit much. I admit I'm a humbug about this though. We had a wedding which was as fuss free as possible - just wanted DH and I to get married and have fun with people we loved. A church ceremony, nice food, decent music and our family being able to be there were pretty much our only criteria.

[MorrisZapp]

waves to Daily Mail readers

So the extent of this problem is your DPs two siblings?

Why not have an actual conversation with them, discussing what would suit you all? Are you sure they're up for the imaginary Mexico trip to begin with?

Two phone calls resolves this.

[HandbagCrab]

If you want a childfree wedding in mexico have at it. At least own your decision rather than blaming toddlers for making noise though.

I'd personally be a bit upset to get an invitation to a wedding like this as it would be obvious from destination, cost, possibly dates if term time, no dc at service that you didn't really want me and mine to come but felt obliged to invite me anyway.

[KlingybunFistelvase]

Oh and also agree with pps re older / pregnant guests in heat (not to mention Zika). We went to a wedding a while back in a hot country and it was imo dangerously hot with not enough shade. It was a beautiful spot for a wedding but some of the elderly guests and one pregnant guest were really suffering. If it's possible to have plenty of shade or an area with air con that would make a big difference.

[PerspicaciaTick]

My solution to choosing who to invite would be to assume that we (the couple) would be paying for every guests flights and accommodation. I would only invite those I genuinely needed at my wedding and I would only invite as many as I could afford. Now...it may turn out that nearest and dearest would insist on paying their own way but I wouldn't assume.
I would feel a bit sick and selfish to expect so many other people to sacrifice so much time, money and effort to attend my wedding.

[travelmad]

My friend has just come back from Mexico and she said the weddings at her hotel were visible from (and within ear shot) of the pool. She actually went and watched one and ended up in the wedding photos! So when you are booking - ask where they hold the ceremony as you might end up with background noise from the other hotel guests and kids anyway.

[Leanback]

I know you are saying op you don't care if nobody can make it and that it's an invitation not a choice, but have you ever thought that you're making it unfeasible for people who do want to come. Seems like a lot of hurdles for someone to jump through, and they probably do want to see you get married and share your day. Especially your dp's brother!

[CotswoldStrife]

Another thread I'm hoping isn't real - OP, you sound so self-absorbed! No way would I leave my child with a stranger, even dressed up as a childcare setting! Are you paying for close family to attend or do you expect them to spend thousands on your wedding keeping the cost to yourself low?

[Trifleorbust]

I actually can't believe you hadn't looked into the childcare situation before writing this post

Not only do you not care whether they go or not, not only do you not mind them shelling out the cost of their choice of family holiday to see you get married (but nothing to do with you, of course), but you couldn't be arsed finding out whether your plan would actually work for any of these people. Have you realised that these will be your family shortly? Does your DP share your - frankly quite ugly - attitude to his relatives and their happiness? Honestly, you would be told quite plainly to sod off if I was him.

[RubyRed6878]

Thanks for everyones responses. Nothing has been set in stone, far from it. Was purely sounding out an idea, which clearly has not been very well received, but I appreciate the responses.

Neither of us are trying to pin it on guests, or come out of anything smelling like roses. Weddings are hard things to get right - "It's your day, do what you want" will inevitably lead to people being hurt and upset as our parents would be devastated if we went off on our own. I apologise if i/we have offended anyone with our ideas as obviously the very last thing we want to do is cause massive rifts but equally we are aware that we'd like this to be a "once in a lifetime" thing :/

[user1471461436]

I wouldnt come if I was your brother, and as it was made so hard for me I wouldnt buy you a gift either - invites are a choice as are family cooperation and gifts. Why not just go on holiday to mexico if you want to go there so much?

[upthegardenpath]

Your wedding, your choice.
We got married without kids invited to ours - but we only had 45 guests, it was in London, at a room above a pub for the reception and registry office beforehand, so would have been difficult as no place for kids to move about and play. It was winter too.
Not a single guest minded, but then we didn't ask them to go all the way to Mexico. Mostly our guests with kids left them with grandparents for one evening.
I wouldn't want to leave my kids in any kids club I know nothing about, especially if I'd made the effort (and spent a lot of money) travelling halfway around the world to see you get married.
Sorry, but I think YABU.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Destination weddings are a thing I cannot get my head round and never will. As a pp said, they are more or less all absurd.

Have you honestly got 100 people who are close enough to you to make the effort to fly to fecking Mexico for a day???

I would snort if I received such an invitation. If it were from a member of my close family and I felt obliged to go I would be seething.

[KlingybunFistelvase]

Once in a lifetime experiences are lovely, but you don't have to drag an audience halfway round the world to watch you have your 'once on a lifetime' experience. Unless you are offering to pay of course !

A lot of people have once in a lifetime holidays for their honeymoon - that way nobody else 'has to' join in.

[stitchglitched]

You say you don't expect people to come, but don't you think that close family may feel obligated to try to get there? And it is those very guests who may feel obligated, your DP's siblings, whose children you want to exclude. You sound massively selfish to me, but then I can't imagine putting my loved ones in a position where they have to spend thousands of pounds if they want to see me get married.

[Bountybarsyuk]

If my brother ran off to Las Vegas or indeed Mexico and got married and then came home, I'd attend the party! I don't think there's anything wrong with marrying abroad, but trying to vaguely have the big wedding you would have had in the UK, there seems to put a lot of pressure on everyone, despite saying 'it's not a summons'. People do feel bad if they can't go, even if the request is a bit unrealistic. I wouldn't feel bad though, as I think it would be obvious from knowledge of our life that we couldn't afford to holiday in Mexico anyway, so I don't think anyone would expect us to go!

In some ways, the shamelessness of the request: Mexico, no kids, Zika, would make it easier for me.

If it were in Spain, just a few days, kids could come, I'd be more tempted to come even though weddings like this can cost a lot. I was going to go to one (which got cancelled) and it was already over £1000 for just one person, as the place wasn't near an airport and there were few places to stay in the charming but v expensive village miles from anywhere.

[HyacinthFuckit]

It all just sounds rather stressful, badly thought out and difficult to pull off OP. If it's your dream it's your dream, but it sounds like you'll have a lot on your plate. Only you know whether it'd be worth it.

In answer to the question in your post, yes YABU to presume people will be happy to leave their 2 year olds with strangers in a country they don't know. My youngest isn't quite 2, but I'd simply not countenance it with her. She's never yet been cared for outside the family, would be upset to be left and I'd not be instituting that because somebody didn't want her at a wedding. If we were given this sort of invite even by a close family member, we probably wouldn't go anyway due to cost and zika, but if we did you'd effectively be asking one of us to shell out thousands to travel over for a ceremony we'd be missing while we did childcare. And for those people who would be ok with the nanny/holiday club (and I should say I have also had a 2 year old in childcare before, so am not opposed on principle) you still need to, at a minimum, do a lot of research about the options. Nothing you have said here suggests you have any awareness of what's available, the cost or the setup in general. People will need that information before deciding.

You can, of course, have what you want for your wedding. Or rather, attempt to have it, because from what people are saying, you're not going to be able to avoid the risk of kids entirely unless you book out the entire place. But equally, people you invite are entitled to an opinion about that. You do run the risk of the family members with kids thinking you're not that arsed about them being there.

[BirdInTheRoom]

I think destination weddings put guests in a very difficult position. I understand that it's an invitation not a summons, but many people feel the pressure that they should go - especially family members - and people often have to make financial sacrifices to go. Also they have to spend money on a holiday that would not necessarily be of their choosing to attend.

If you're going to have a destination wedding, you should make it as easy as possible for people to attend, and they should be given a choice of bringing their children to it, or you paying for nannies to look after the children, but only if that's what the parents want. If you want a completely child free wedding you should get married somewhere it's easier for people to leave their children with a trusted sitter - i.e. the U.K.