No children at destination wedding

[RubyRed6878]

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

Ruby most people do want to go to their siblings wedding!

We're giving them the option to come if they feel it's important to them to watch it so if they don't come, there is a question-mark over why.

I couldn't afford to go to a friend's wedding in Ireland many years ago, simply couldn't afford it, had lost my job and was living on £20 a week food budget and couldn't rustle up the few £100's to go. I do regret it as the friendship never recovered. It's not just because of the wedding, I don't think, partly because of the distance, but it set the tone- she had a nagging doubt I hadn't made the effort, I felt guilty and awful I couldn't come so didn't want to get in touch rubbing her nose in it.

It doesn't have to be like that, another friend got married spontaneously and rang afterwards to say she'd got married. I was absolutely fine with this and we never gave it another thought.

I just think these things are a little more complicated than: those that come will come. Usually we do feel a real desire to go, coupled with obligation as well, and guilt if we don't, all of which has to be managed sensitively, especially if really the issue is mostly money, as it is here (as that's the number 1 reason I wouldn't be able to attend, and I'm a professional with an ok wage but really couldn't find 4x Mexico).

you didn't have to go did you? I don't understand this whole need for people to attend

Ruby do you have siblings, or very close friends? Would not want to be at their wedding? If my sister had decided to get married in the Caribbean, or somewhere similar, I'd have been gutted. At that point in our lives (and with three small children) we wouldn't have been able to afford to fly half way across the world for a wedding, and I'd have been desperately upset to have missed her wedding, and I'd have felt guilty about it as well.

Luckily she got married half an hour down the road

Not read the whole thread yet but what would scare me with this situation is that they'll turn up in Mexico and bring the dc to the wedding regardless. You'll get some excuse about the kids not settling with the hotel nanny (which may or may not be true) and you'll be made to feel guilty because they've flown all that way.
Much easier to have a child free wedding at home, where family have more childcare options. I have to be honest in that I wouldn't leave my children with people I don't know.

Not relevant to your thread, but I've jever understood why people would want all their guests on honeymoon with them, which is what a destination wedding amounts to.

I don't understand this whole need for people to attend....it's an event for a man and woman (in this case) to become husband and wife. In all honesty the only people who have to be there are the couple, 2 witnesses and a minister.

I find it quite bizarre that on the one hand you think the only important thing about the ceremony is that you're both there, but on the other hand (looking at your list of possible countries) it absolutely must be on a beach. If all that matters is bride, groom and love then why not just pop to your local registry office?

Also, if I'm reading correctly - your fiance has siblings, but you don't? I think this might be a huge part of why you're so incredulous about it being a big deal if a sibling can't attend a wedding. My husband is generally thoughtful and considerate, but there have been points where I've found that he (as an only child) just doesn't 'get' what my brother means to me. I don't think he really understands that he's as important to me as my parents.

Yes I have family and close friends. Im thinking maybe I have very different relationships to a lot of other posters where my friends and family would respect anyone's decision not to turn up if something was inconvenient and vice versa. If there is any guilt, it sure as hell won't come from us, why would it....we made the choice to do this in the complete knowledge that we'd potentially be doing it alone.

bounty your friend sounds awful. If my friends can't make it there's no way I would let it affect our friendship. There's no underlying expectation whatsoever

Op have you managed to find a hotel with a crèche?

I have rtft thanks. The only poster that got a thank you said 'yr wedding yr roolz hun'

You wanted opinions from parents and you've got them. Basically, you've decided on the wedding you want, only there's a fly in the ointment - your nieces and nephews. They're going to ruin your plans and why the hell should they? It's incredibly unfair that you can't have your dream wedding just because your husband's brothers have annoying little brats who 'scream constantly' and are not controlled by their utterly incompetent parents.

Be honest. Tell your husband's brothers that you don't want children at your wedding and you're sorry that it's a bit late because they've already got children but you've been dreaming of this wedding day for fucking years, and the fact that the family you're marrying into doesn't quite fit with those dreams is not going to stand in your way, no sirree.

And I bet you a bag of Haribo you're still trying to figure out a way that you can have what you want without pissing anyone off.

Good luck with that.

geretrude I have thanked all posters multiple times...had you have rtft you'd have also seen that yes, I asked for opinions and was grateful to receive so many and as a result am reconsidering various things.
You'd also have seen that all these things are just "plans" at the moment so have not "decided on the wedding I want" at all.
But I suppose reading those things and realising I am in fact not a self absorbed bridezilla would be far less interesting for you.

Yes I have family and close friends. Im thinking maybe I have very different relationships to a lot of other posters where my friends and family would respect anyone's decision not to turn up if something was inconvenient and vice versa

I'm just saying that if my sister got married abroad, and even if she said to me 'Don't worry, there's no pressure for you to be there', I'd still feel terrible if I couldn't go, guilty that I couldn't go, upset that I was missing her wedding, and more than a bit pissed off at her for getting married abroad meaning that I couldn't be there (although I'd never tell her about any of these feelings)

I find it hard to believe that you wouldn't feel the same. And I also find it hard to believe that at least some of your 100 family and friends won't feel the same, especially if they love you and are important to you.

I had to have a very hurried wedding in the states for immigration reasons which meant my family couldn't attend.

I had no choice in the matter but most of my family are still very upset that they couldn't attend.

I know it's not exactly the same circumstance all I'm saying is don't underestimate how snubbed some people may feel.

If my option were to come but leave 2 year old ds in unknown childcare I wouldn't see that as a choice for me to make at all.

Also, don't underestimate the importance of actually legally getting married. Although we had the whole big white wedding in the UK (it had already been booked and paid for, we just changed the church vows to a blessing) and everything was the same as a normal wedding, cake, first dance etc, most people were still annoyed they'd actually missed the moment we really got married and I know of at least a few that thought we were being selfish and very me me me.

Just a thought.

Im thinking maybe I have very different relationships to a lot of other posters where my friends and family would respect anyone's decision not to turn up if something was inconvenient and vice versa.

But that's not really what you're saying. You're saying you don't get why someone would do everything they could to attend their sibling's wedding, even if it was stressful or inconvenient. And why they might be hurt if the sibling getting married made it abundantly clear that they didn't give a shit whether their sibling could attend or not.

At least, that's how you're coming across.

I get it's difficult. I had a wedding where, no matter where we had it, it would be a long and expensive trip for at least half the guests. There are no right answers. In the end, one of my brothers couldn't make it. We were both gutted but each of us knew that the other had done everything practically possible to make it work. If either of us had been offhand and 'meh, it doesn't really matter to me whether you're/I'm there or not' I think it would have damaged our relationship permanently.

Hi OP. You are entitled to get married where you like! I don't think you're a selfish bridezilla at all, however I do think there are a couple of issues for you to consider.

If you genuinely don't care if people come or not, then consider whether to invite them. I know you say you want to invite them even though it's fine for them not to come because they want to be there. But that might unintentionally come across as you inviting them as a favour to them as opposed to because you want them there. My view is that an invitation should mean that the inviter wants the invitee to attend, not "I don't care if you come or not but as you want to be there here you go, you can come". I appreciate that's not what you are trying to do, but it's how I might feel to receive it.

Secondly even though you clearly will not mind anyone not coming, I also think some people will feel obliged to attend if invited. I know you won't guilt them, but they'll guilt themselves. I had a family wedding in Australia and I was under no pressure to go but I felt I had to. I also did want to, to be fair. Financially it was very difficult. I was happy to spend it because I knew my presence there meant a lot to the couple. I would be pretty upset to hear they didn't care if I came or notams the invitation was extended purely for my benefit.

Onto your actual question! My wedding is no kids save nephews and nieces, and so I completely get why you are nervous to have the child in the ceremony. It's not unreasonable or selfish to have that wish. But I think to have a destination wedding you have to make certain sacrifices, and people needing to bring their children with them is one of them. In my opinion if your brother and SIL are willing to/want to fly to Mexico to watch you get married, letting their child attend would be only fair.

Just my opinion - good luck whatever you decide x

Tbh, the real problem here is with parents who are unwilling to properly look after their dc and allow them to run wild and be disruptive through other people's very expensive events. The OP shouldn't have to compromise what she wants for her wedding on account of other people not being willing to manage their children.

We're giving them the option to come if they feel it's important to them to watch it

Not just important enough to them though is it, also if they can afford it! If I had got married abroad there are loads people I know that would think it important enough to want to come but none of them could have afforded it. Which is why I got married in the UK and honeymooned abroad.

Your posts make it sound like you dont seem to care if people come or not, isnt there anyone (apart from parents) you would care about if they couldnt come?

How will you feel if none of your friends turn up. Won't you even be a little bit disappointed?

I have been to a lot of weddings in the last 6 months. Not once has the ceremony been interrupted or spoilt by small children. There have been a few elderly relatives announcing loudly that they can't hear. There have been a couple of beeping phones. And someone started sneezing and couldn't stop. But every ceremony has been special and happy.

I think you maybe need to discuss it with your family before sending the invites. Or book your wedding, don't send any invites and then if people express an interest say they are welcome to come, but you don't want children during the ceremony. That way, it's not too offending.
I have two girls that I
Love to bits, more than anyone else bar my husband and I would never leave them to attend someone's wedding, it would have to be a very good friend to even do that in the UK.

We got married on a little Island in the Caribbean, just me, my husband and our first daughter (was pregnant with second). We went somewhere really expensive and far away, a dream resort for us and we would never expect our family to pay for a holiday that we've chosen. It was so nice just the three of us!

dailymail we're having a UK do....so no I genuinely don't think we will be disappointed. Our wedding is us making vows to one another - the only people we feel we 100% want there are our parents, partly because they feel so strongly about it too. Both sets are very keen for an wedding abroad. We all love travelling and would rather be on a hot beach than in the UK.
If others want to join us then they are more than welcome to, so we'll probably do what has been suggested on here and send out info rather than invites.
Equally, if people don't come to our UK celebration, for whatever reason, that is also fine! It's a bloody wedding, not some kind of...I cannot even think of a devinely important event that would cause non-attendance to be such an issue!
Our friendships and family relationships are not defined by people's need/desire to watch / celebrate us getting married.

...now waiting for the "oh so you can understand your parents wanting to but not your siblings"

I asked you before but you didn't answer - how do your ILs feel about their grandchildren being excluded from the ceremony?

So you really think that in 10 years' time, you and your family will be cool with thinking, "Ah yes, RubyRed's wedding! That was a wonderful day! Pity DH's siblings and their children weren't there, but the important thing was that it was a lovely quiet ceremony."

It is TOTALLY unreasonable to invite family members to the other side of the world and tell them they can't bring their kids. I DESPISE child free weddings - po faced, boring, forgettable events. Weddings are literally about family, bringing families together, starting new families. If I was your relative and you told me I couldn't bring my kids, I wouldn't go to your wedding.

Just out of interest, do you move in a VERY affulent social circle?

"but the important thing was that it was a lovely quiet ceremony."

Or, "shame about that bloody banana boat!"

Or, "shame about that bloody banana boat!"

Or, the kid's club on the beach playing musical statues to Agadoo.