No children at destination wedding

[RubyRed6878]

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

But people are more likely to be honest, anonymously. There are all sorts of other factors at play when you're face-to-face and put on the spot.

It's an invite that sounds very uncaring actually.

I think part of being in a family is sharing special moments, e.g seeing a neice get married or holding a new baby in the family. You have shared memories, shared history. It's like being at the olympics, you were there to witness it! It's not quite the same watching a video or hearing about it.

So you realise this and hope to go. Money, the family holiday fund...I wouldn't put my child in a kids club either with people they don't know. Children get upset easily, at nurseries you have settling in sessions etc. The place and person would be unfamiliar. How alarming for a small child.

Oh I see! This is one of those AIBU where you want to be told you're right.

You'll do what you want and justify it to yourself anyway in that case, so god knows why you're asking us.

I assume you have very little experience of caring for a very small child. They don't operate on logic.

Imagine someone you trusted took you on a long, boring, uncomfortable journey which disrupted your sleeping pattern and your eating pattern. You cry a bit but you can't stop the discomfort. Then you find you are in a place where it's very hot and uncomfortable. You cry a bit more. It's fun for a short time. You the get too hot / you have to sit on something crunchy which irritates. You cry a bit more. You still can't sleep properly and your food is different. You don't feel well, but as you can't express yourself in the local language, all you can do is cry. Nothing improves. Then the person you trust takes you into a room with strangers - and goes away. What do you do? Panic, and cry even more.

That's how it probably feels to be 2 yo in a strange country. Can't see many parents agreeing to go to your wedding under the conditions you are setting.

I think if someone had travelled all that way to be there on my wedding day I would not ban children from the ceremony.
I personally wouldn't be happy leaving a child so young at a hotel or with a nanny/babysitter overseas (I don't know why but it makes me feel more uncomfortable than leaving them with someone in the UK).
If I was in your shoes I'd probably not have anyone in Mexico and have the best of both worlds, lovely private ceremony abroad and big party at home.

Personally I don't like destination
Weddings at all as I wouldn't feel comfortable making my f and f fork out £100s or £1000s to come to my wedding.
That said if you are doing it you can't just expect people to dump their child with someone they've never met.
As pp have said do the service just the two of you

Say it on the invites by all means, but if we rec'd it we'd refuse it.

Agree with PP, I don't see why weddings have to be devoid of any noise.

I think it's strange that you're inviting 100 people to your wedding and then having another party when you get home.

We went to a party/wedding recently where the bride and groom had got married a few weeks earlier in Mauritius. They got dressed up in their glad rags again, had a cake, speeches, the works. It was bizarre.

I personally find this an egotistical thing to do... what makes you think people want to celebrate your wedding twice? Go abroad or stay at home, but do it once.

geretrude please rtft and see that that's not the case at all and as a result we're reconsidering.

For the record none of our friends have kids. As I've previously said, I was concerned about BIL who's previous form is to let their kid make as much noise as they want with very little thought to others. But again, childcare is now being reconsidered.

It is your nephew after all! Inconvenient people do belong to families. Good job you haven't anyone suffering Tourette syndrome in the family. Or a diabetic who might suffer a hypo at a point in the ceremony.

You can't plan for everything. My bridesmaid, age two, did say something quite funny during our vows. Did it matter, no, not a jot. In the scheme of things it's actually really insignificant.

Have you considered finding yourself a husband-to-be who doesn't have nieces or nephews? That would probably be much easier, and would fit in with your social circle a lot better.

There is some really strange thinking out there. It's no kids at the CEREMONY. Half an hour max. For the love of all that's holy it's actually cruel to let kids sit through that as it's the most boring part of a wedding for adults as well. Most people can cope for half an hour with their kids with a hotel baby sitter!! Trust me, they're not evil. Love the fact that some are concerned that the babysitters won't be British......other countries have children too!!!!

Headofthehive my dd who was 6 at the time was bridesmaid to my best friend. She stepped in her floor length veil as she was walking down the aisle, her big moment, I was mortified but my friend just laughed, smiled at dd and I pinned it back on.

OP I think all of this could have been avoided with an honest chat withbBIL - all welcome, would love to have you all but please take them out if they get vocal during the ceremony. That would not be unreasonable .

It's not about the childcare having to be British, other countries do have children too I'm not disputing their ability to raise children but with Mexico being one of the main routes for people trafficking into the States, which is actually quite a big problem among the other issues the country has in terms of drug trafficking, high murder rates etc etc. think I'm well within my rights to be sceptical about leaving my child. May be that's ott to some but I just wouldn't feel comfortable.

OP if BIL does end up coming why don't you try something cute like a little note with I don't know maybe some stickers or sweeties or something, something along the lines of "incase the little one gets bored during the ceremony please use these treats to keep her entertained" and give to BIL/SIL. Possibly a rather more subtle way of saying please keep the lo quiet, here's something to help you as you're not so good at it usually

Your wedding, your choice, but I do think IU to want people to travel so far & not bring kids to the ceremony. We wouldn't have bothered coming in these circumstances, not even for close family. Not everyone has the option of somewhere to leave CDs with longer term at home either, we didnt.

We did once go to a wedding where childcare/entertainment was provided in a side room to the ceremony though, this worked really well - could this be an option?

I've come up with a poem for you,
"As this is such a special occasion
And noise in our vows would make us ragin'
Please use these stickers and treat
To ensure that no one makes a peep"

I'm half joking here. But still proud of my rhyming.

As twofalls said a frank and honest chat with BIL should do the trick seeing as they are likely the only ones with a toddler planning to travel.

Also, in my experience everything you worry about before hand just doesn't matter on the day. The day passes so quickly and you'll be so wrapped up in it all you'll barely notice if anything goes wrong. Mexico is so beautiful your wedding will be stunning no matter what. All the best x

Kids clubs are taking a bit of a bashing here - we stayed in a large resort on the Riviera Maya last year and the staff at the kids club were AMAZING. Lovely people, friendly, great at organising activities, responsible and caring. Had no qualms at all in leaving my kids with them, but having said that the youngest was 6.

Kids clubs do have minimum age requirements, the one in that particular hotel insisted children could use the toilet independently. Also they have limits on numbers and it was first come first served. No pre-booking for a wedding. You also had to leave a mobile number and tell the staff where you'd be - and they did bring whingey or crying children straight back to their parents.

Personally I think the whole "foreign" wedding idea is incredibly crass and tacky. Expecting people to shell out a considerable sum of money to go to a destination which may not be of their choosing for at least a week, use up a wodge of their annual leave to do so, spend time during this "holiday" with people they would not necessarily choose to spend time with, all so the bridezilla can have a few tacky shots on the beach. If you want to get married abroad then fine, take yourself overseas, get married and have the reception when you get back.

We got married last July with 100 guests including approx 13 children of all ages ranging from a new born and toddlers through to teenagers. We were also concerned that the little ones would make noise so spoke to each of the parents beforehand and also asked the celebrant to make a request at start that parents remove children during the ceremony if they started to get noisy. A couple of parents did so and we were able to say our vows in peace. We wanted the children there, it was important to us but from what you've said your DP has already made his mind up.

I don't like destination Weddings at all as I wouldn't feel comfortable making my f and f fork out £100s or £1000s to come to my wedding

This, completely.

A destination wedding is a selfish thing to do full stop IMO...unless of course just you and oh bugger off and elope (fair enough).

There's always a certain amount of expectation when issuing wedding invites...imagine if no one (as in NO ONE) came op...would you be happy with that?

Asking people to travel to Mexico just to watch you say your vows and have a piss up is incredibly UR and self centred IMO.

I'd be totally fine to leave a 6 year old at a kids club in a large hotel, but I believe the child in this situation is only 2, which for me is a little young for a kids club. As previously said most have limitations anyways and likely wouldn't take a 2yo x

Check with close family first. My brother had a destination wedding which was really awkward and expensive to get to and involved a week off work. I had to go because I didn't want to miss his wedding, but found it selfish and annoying. He hadn't even checked with my parents but just assumed we would all go - even though it was only 2 months notice and over an august bank holiday in a place with no public transport and once weekly flights.

If it was a friend it wouldn't have been an issue because I would have declined but as it was a brother it was more tricky. He did at least provide accommodation for 4 nights for all the guests but it was still mega expensive and I couldn't afford much of a present for him. He has a lot of rich friends due to the circles he moves in and there were about 100 guests.

If he'd just got married in England and gone on holiday afterwards it would've been so much easier. Why does it even matter where you say your vows?

You should hire a babysitter or two to look after the kids for a couple of hours to cover the ceremony.

carefree you didn't have to go did you? I don't understand this whole need for people to attend....it's an event for a man and woman (in this case) to become husband and wife. In all honesty the only people who have to be there are the couple, 2 witnesses and a minister.
If we want to do this, and people want to come, they can. Do they have to? No. Are we telling them to? No. Are we saying "join us if you like"? Yes.
I would understand if we were demanding people's presence, but we're not! We're giving them the option to come if they feel it's important to them to watch it. We're not insisting on eloping and doing it alone, but equally if we are alone then that is fine because we'll have "made our bed"

As long as you are truly comfortable with people not coming, I think it's fine.

As you say, it's an invitation not an order! Good luck!

carefree you didn't have to go did you? I don't understand this whole need for people to attend....it's an event for a man and woman (in this case) to become husband and wife. In all honesty the only people who have to be there are the couple, 2 witnesses and a minister.

Honestly, OP, I think you're being incredibly disingenuous here. Can you honestly not see why a person might not go above and beyond to attend the wedding of a sibling or someone similarly close to them?

Why do you have a need to invite people to your wedding? After all, you, the celebrant and two witnesses are all that's needed. Why have you invited anyone else along - why bother, if their presence or absence is so incidental to you?