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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No children at destination wedding

540 replies

RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 08:55

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 21:09

Because they want to come...it will cause more of a rift to not invite them. They want to see DP get married, they have made that clear.
Although this is a little pointless now considering the child arrangements will be different somehow now

OP posts:
Givemestrengthorwine · 07/11/2016 21:09

Our son lives 300 miles away. They are getting married there as that is where she is from. Fair enough! It does mean that not many people from our side will be there as we cant afford to pay for everyones transport and accomodation costs and i know families will struggle with an approximate cost of £300 per family of 4, for 2 nights!!! Also for the ceremony we can only have 20 people from our side, so people will not pay all that money and travel all that way just for an evening reception party!
Think about what is really important to you. Is it the destination, the weather, the audience or the commitment you are making?
Who would be paying for these guests should they want to come? Have you told them what it will cost them to attend your wedding without their children? You may find people mess you around saying they are coming and then back out, leaving you in a money pickle and that would put a dampener on your special day!
If its the destination you want the just take both sets of parents and enjoy a party at home for everyone else! Xx

thatdearoctopus · 07/11/2016 21:10

One of the (many)reasons I loved my dh and wanted to marry him was for his generous attitude towards family and children.

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 21:14

Also didn't ask for a character analysis of my DP...he adores kids. He is broody and can't wait for our own not happening any time soon but despite this, we don't want a crying child as we say our vows. That is the only child free part we'd like. The kids can do what they like during the meal, the morning, the evening, the lot. We would personally like a quiet moment to say our vows. I totally take on board the whole "you'll be in the moment" point, very true.

OP posts:
SirNiallDementia · 07/11/2016 21:15

op have you been to Mexico before?

I work in the travel business and imho there are so many nicer wedding ddestinations in the world. Mexico tends to be huge Americanised resorts doing conveyer belt weddings in public. Very little evidence of local culture, nature etc.

I really don't mean to be rude if you have researched it, it's just that many people I know who've been on a Mexican resort holiday have been disappointed. People do seem to enjoy e.g. Mauritius, Seychelles, Thailand, Malaysia etc more.

thatdearoctopus · 07/11/2016 21:19

Well, an official invitation is neither here nor there, actually. I think that you're concentrating on the wrong thing there.
The previous poster who suggested you send out notification of your plans with a more casual "would love you to join us if you're able" attached, would cover it. Then you're not laying down any expectations, neither are you excluding anyone.

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 21:20

Thanks Sir, genuinely :) we were there earlier this year. But will also be considering others due to zika - we had thought about it before but not to any great length at this stage.
We had considered all your other suggested destinations but decided against them due to even higher cost to guests / longer flight times / more vaccinations etc. cue the brigade telling me Mexico is still too far

OP posts:
Flowercat16 · 07/11/2016 21:21

I think it's your ceremony and people should have some understanding that not everyone controls their " little darlings." We did have a few kids at our wedding, however made it clear in the invite, as long as they respected the occasion and were being supervised!

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 21:24

thatdearoctopus agreed, think that is the route we will go down

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/11/2016 21:25

'Also didn't ask for a character analysis of my DP...'

Welcome to AIBU!

Hmm Biscuit Confused

I'm off to Maui! Who's with me?

LadyStoic · 07/11/2016 21:26

Why Mexico? (Genuine question)

bibbitybobbityyhat · 07/11/2016 21:27

"Not really sure why you don't just go with your folks, get married in Cancun or wherever, and then have your party.

Believe me, no one's going to be offended. Relieved, more likely."

In a nutshell.

Estilou · 07/11/2016 21:27

A 2 year olds is unlikely to happily go off with a nanny they don't know from my experience. That means you are expecting the parents to leave their child in a distressed state and they will not enjoy the ceremony. Personally and I know this is wrong but I would just ignore the no child thing and turn up with her. I would leave though if she was noisy and sit at the back. Also would only only do this at a family wedding where the location makes childcare impossible. I have been to prob about 20 weddings over the years and never known a child ruin the occasion.

CosyCoupe88 · 07/11/2016 21:28

I think to say no children at a destination wedding is an unreasonable request that will leave you with very few guests. Even if I was your best friend or sister I wpuld decline this invite before I put my 2 year old in a kids club in Mexico. But that's just my opinion. Talk to them first maybe ti see if it's something they would feel comfortable and happy doing . Or make that decision knowing you will be happy to lose guests for it

PrimalLass · 07/11/2016 21:32

If the two year old is welcome at the reception then it's one hour or so of being with a nanny. Only the most precious are going to have an issue with this.

I wasn't at all precious, but my child had serious separation anxiety and went mental if I even left the house without him. There is zero chance I could have left him with a randomer.

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 21:33

Ladystoic we looked all over including Antigua, Caribbean etc. and for various reasons cost / translations etc went for Mexico because we'd already been there. Still open to other places though.

Also completely accept all the responses to my AIBU post, regarding children at a wedding abroad, I'm not disputing any of them and have gladly taken them on board, but what I didnt ask if I was BU about was my choice of partner or wedding location. Don't think it's unfair of me to point that out to people who want to speculate on those things

OP posts:
HummusForBreakfast · 07/11/2016 21:43

YABU sorry.

First of all, as a parent, I would t be happy to leave a 2yo at a kid club in a foreign country. So that would mean having BIL at the ceremony but his wife looking after the dcs. Not very nice

I also suspect that it is the best way to create a family rift between your DH and his db. Your DH might be adamant that he doesnt want children at the ceremony but is he also ready to loose his brother over it or for his brother not to be present? Seriously, this is something to consider.

Overall, asking people to go that far away AND to not bring children to the wedding is a big ask. If I was invited, I would say no just on that ground TBH. And I suspect you are likely to only have people wo children present.
It might be OK with you. Or you might well miss some people.

Marilynsbigsister · 07/11/2016 21:44

It's gobsmacking just how unable to read AND comprehend contributors on threads are sometimes.

On the basis that you actually have absolutely NO expectations of any of your guests. Indeed you are completely accepting of the fact that you are sending out invites not orders . Basically you are saying 'we are doing this' do you want to come ? If you do - great. Btw, no kids. Absolutely nothing bridezilla or precious about any of that. As long as you make your wishes completely clear before your guests shell out a red cent.. and are equally accepting that perhaps not a soul will want to come. Then I say you are extremely laid back and in fact a bit of an anti-bridezilla. Have a wonderful wedding. It's your wedding, do as you wish and expect nothing of anyone... Flowers

HummusForBreakfast · 07/11/2016 21:47

Btw, I think it's great that you took the time to ask on MN and are now reconsidering the organisation.

peanutbuttery24 · 07/11/2016 21:49

We had no children at our wedding and it was the right choice. No interruptions and everyone enjoyed it. However, our wedding was UK based so everyone had access to their usual childcare arrangements. Also, we had no family members with young children.

Comments suggesting you don't like children are unhelpful I think.

To be solutions oriented I would suggest:

Compromising with immediate family, with a phone call pre-invite where you're really honest. Say to BIL you'd love them all there, and if their children struggle during the ceremony would they mind taking them out? You could perhaps provide a special role for them (a 'job' keeps even little people on an even keel sometimes), or failing that...a bribe!!! Wink

Without knowing how many children are attached to the people you wish to invite, could you call them as well? From personal experience, we received an invite to a destination wedding where no children were invited. This was not an option with our 2 year old. It made me feel very guilty/awkward saying no, and I wouldn't want anyone put in that position by an invite.

I understand the 'no children' wish, and I understand that a minority of parents would feel happy with travelling at considerable cost then leaving a child with unknown childcare (it's probably more a principle thing though).

To save lots of politics (which might actually upset you on the big day), I agree with pp that you consider smaller destination wedding. Have it exactly as you'd like then a suits-all UK party.

Chocolate
Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 21:51

marilyn thank you x100000 FlowersFlowers appreciate that so so much. I knew what I was letting myself in for on this thread but it's a relief to know I'm not a bridezilla in everyone's opinion!!

OP posts:
pringlecat · 07/11/2016 21:55

RubyRed6878 I think the main issue with your destination wedding idea is that you've gone for Mexico. Single women, parents, people of child-bearing age... none of them will want to go.

Some parents might be happy to put their kids in a creche in a different country, where they felt it was safer. If you go down this path though, you'll need to sort out the childcare and make it as easy as possible for your guests.

Have you run your idea past any of your close friends with kids to get a feel for how others would react?

thatdearoctopus · 07/11/2016 21:57

Have you run your idea past any of your close friends with kids to get a feel for how others would react?

Have the hundreds of posters on this thread not given enough of an idea?

blowmybarnacles · 07/11/2016 22:03

It sounds like this:
Want to see your own family member get married - we don't care if you come or not.
If you do come, it'll cost ££££ and a long journey
Have kid? You can't have them at the ceremony, we expect you to leave them with some strangers in a hotel somewhere. We actually don't care about our niece and whether this might distress her or not. And we don't care about what you might be feeling either.

YABU.

pringlecat · 07/11/2016 22:21

thatdearoctopus None of the posters on this thread love the OP. What seems like a ridiculous idea to strangers sometimes makes perfect sense to an inner circle.