Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No children at destination wedding

540 replies

RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 08:55

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 07/11/2016 20:25

it will spoil the day.

Not as much as no one turning up except the beach volleyballers.

HyacinthFuckit · 07/11/2016 20:30

I agree that asking is likely to be better than just saying it shouldn't be a problem, but equally these are people who have previous for leaving a screaming two year old in situ instead of taking her out. Personally I'm not sure I'd trust them to use the nanny service even if they said they would!

expatinscotland · 07/11/2016 20:31

Yep, totally, good for them, it's all about themselves, fuck everyone else, or worse yet, pressuring and guilting loved ones and friends into compromising because after all, it's your BIG DAY. 'Why can't you just sacrifice all your annual leave/spunk thousands/travel thousands of miles/ditch your kid with some random/etc. for me and what I want?' That's actually a good thing, because it shows you exactly what kind of person that is.

MrsJ12 · 07/11/2016 20:31

I think it's you're wedding and you just have to do what you want but not be offended if people then decide not to attend

I'd also carefully research the hotel you want to get married at. We've been to Mexico a few times and the hotel we've been to has a lot of the weddings on the beach. When they do everyone goes over to watch and it can be quite noisy so you may still get noisy children off other people so you may want to look for hotels with chapels on site so can be more controlled.

The hotel we've been to also took children from babies in it's kids club but I have to say we looked at it but I personally just didn't feel at all comfortable with leaving my children with strangers. maybe when they're older but certainly not at 2

Fluffy24 · 07/11/2016 20:32

I only got half way through the thread but...

I cannot see a future AIBU that got support where someone said "my friend/relative is getting married abroad with only DParents in attendance and all the 100-rest of us are getting is a big reception/party in the UK!"

Because that would be perfectly reasonable.

I think that whilst it's your day and guests are entitled to turn down an invitation, I'd certainly not be willing to go to Mexico for a wedding but I might feel pressure from others to go, e.g. being the only friend in a peer-group not going, or from relations disappointed we'd not be all together. I also think that the UK party might be really tedious with other guests asking if you'd been to Mexico and feeling like having to explain why not.

Then there's Zika - guests who are thinking of having children won't want to plan their family/conception around your wedding (ie delay conception until afterwards) but probably also wouldn't want to actually explain that...

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 20:33

No one, I was trying to understand the sentiment behind "if it were your sibling..." point of view. Is the alternative to cause a rift because I don't agree with my sibling''s choice? To make them feel awful for choosing their wedding based on what they want rather than where I could go with my DC?

OP posts:
Frannyboo90 · 07/11/2016 20:33

I have to be a honest and say in my opinion YABU. As a mum I have been to quite a few no children weddings and really enjoyed them. I think it's ok to expect people to find childcare at home but not on holiday! I just got married in Cyprus last month and wouldn't of dreamt of doing no children. Our friends saved really hard and for most it was also their family holiday! They were absolutely no trouble. If your worried why not look into getting some children's entertainment to keep them occupied?

expatinscotland · 07/11/2016 20:35

Are you saying you'd actively stop your sibling getting married somewhere because you couldnt make it?

Nope, they're free to do whatever the fuck they want. But if they try to dictate to me the circumstances under which I attend, or expect me to compromise my family or family life for their wedding (via expensive locale, leave my kid at home, leave my kid with a random, etc), then it's within my remit to not go and if they get hte arse with me for that, I'm really not fucked and certainly won't be going out of my way for them and their bullshit in the future.

Fortunately, I don't have a self-centred sibling.

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 20:38

Jeez expat I agree, everyone is "free to do whatever the fuck they want".
There will be no guilt tripping, pressuring, or "why can't you save", nothing of the sort.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/11/2016 20:38

'Is the alternative to cause a rift because I don't agree with my sibling''s choice? To make them feel awful for choosing their wedding based on what they want rather than where I could go with my DC?'

Saying no isn't making them feel awful, unless, well, that's their lookout if they do feel awful because I say, 'Nope, not flying long haul with a toddler for thousands of £££ to go to their wedding and then leave my kid with someone I don't know'. Then that's really their problem and any rift caused is theirs.

You're not really doing yourself any favours here, Ruby.

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 20:40

Luckily for me my siblings are very much "live your own life and see as much of the world as you can, while you can" type people...I don't see that as self-centred at all

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/11/2016 20:40

'There will be no guilt tripping, pressuring, or "why can't you save", nothing of the sort.'

Then why invite them at all? Because when you do, you'll have to tell them, 'You'll need to leave your kid'.

Not really sure why you don't just go with your folks, get married in Cancun or wherever, and then have your party.

Believe me, no one's going to be offended. Relieved, more likely.

galaxygirl45 · 07/11/2016 20:43

Are you having a church service in Mexico or in a private quiet hotel room?? Then in that case, I can understand you not wanting children there. But if it's on the beach or garden, you do realise that you're going to get a lot of noise.....waves, pool noise, screaming children, laughing guests, boats etc. In which case, a few noisy kids are going to be not even noticed..........I personally wouldn't fly a young child long haul and leave them with strangers.... unless you can take a relative or friend that would be a willing helper/babysitter for the short service.

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 20:44

expat I really feel like you've taken offence to the idea of a wedding being anywhere else other than home? If you read my previous post, we are reconsidering the whole childcare thing quite drastically, which is what my original post was about. What I was not asking for was a verbal bashing about our choice of destination/venue/whatever you want to call it or whether IBU about getting married abroad

OP posts:
ElectronicDischarge · 07/11/2016 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mouldycheesefan · 07/11/2016 20:48

All the kids run over for a good nosey at the weddings in Mexico. It's like getting married in your local park, anyone can come by and watch.

Puppymouse · 07/11/2016 20:49

We were recently invited to a family wedding in Italy. Our DD (2.10) was also invited but we were struggling to work out how we could attend the evening do when she would just want to sleep. DF suggested we find some "child-loving Italian momma" to look after her (aka a stranger then....Hmm). We appreciated the invite for DD but didn't go.

oldbirdy · 07/11/2016 20:51

To me Zika is the most serious aspect of this. Evidence suggests it can be transmitted in sperm for up to a year or so after having the disease, so you'd effectively be asking all your friends and family who might be considering a family or expanding their family in the next 18 months to risk a severely disabled child or not come, and neither man nor woman can come as it appears the microcephaly could be transmitted by mum or dad. Can you imagine the horror if attending your 'dream wedding' caused a friend to have an affected child if they got pregnant, perhaps by accident, within a year of your trip. At the least they would be very anxious in early pregnancy until normal brain development could be confirmed. That in itself would make me alter the venue, so at least those who travel aren't being asked to risk their future family's health.

alltheworld · 07/11/2016 20:54

I was invited to a wedding where the bride wanted a quiet child free wedding. She organised a couple of local sitters to babysit the kids in the hall next door. Trouble is she expected even months old babies to be left with these strangers. I declined as clearly did a lot of other guests because she had to do a u turn when she realised lots of people were not going to come.

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 20:54

oldbirdy agreed, also a consideration being taken into account in terms of destination :)

OP posts:
OVienna · 07/11/2016 20:56

I think you should go for it but offer to book and pay for a hotel nanny for the guests and compromise on the reception and if it's too late pay for two nannies or however many so the children can be looked after in their own rooms.

Let your husband, who feels most strongly about it, deliver this message though in case they kick off. If he's the sort to dodge crossfire and let you take the hit of having a difficult conversation then I am not sure what to suggest...well, I could think of a few options but that is another thread.

Whatever you do, don't go pinching someone's holiday home though.

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 21:00

OVienna don't worry this is 100% his conversation to have!!! The whole kids thing is being re-thought as a result of this thread so we'll see!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/11/2016 21:00

' I really feel like you've taken offence to the idea of a wedding being anywhere else other than home?'

Erm, nope. What's it to me, I'm 15 years married with three kids. YOU are the one who asked and brings it all up. What you do is your business. Thing is, you are having one thousands of miles away, and then your fiance wants to tell his own brother to come to it but ditch his kid. As a parent, that's going to get a lot of parent's backs up. There's huge potential for a rift between your fiance and his brother and the fault would be yours.

You both come across as very princessy and stroppy about the whole thing, saying it doesn't matter if people come but if that were so then why invited them at all? Just elope.

And yy, as several people have pointed out, these weddings in Mexico are open doors. People nosey around. Have you been to many weddings like this there? I've been to several. Being precious about this kid is the least of your problems.

But again, it's your wedding.

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 21:01

Should have said, he won't dodge it and is fully willing to take the lead on this

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 07/11/2016 21:05

Which brings me back to my first question: Why bother to invite people at all, if it such a bridge/groom centric wedding that guests are not important.