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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No children at destination wedding

540 replies

RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 08:55

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

OP posts:
CoffeeWineEatRepeat · 07/11/2016 19:37

don't feel to disheartened about the responses, it is going to be your wedding and so you can do it as you please, thats sort of the point i feel! I know this is different because its not so far away but the principle is the same. We went to France for a family wedding and the couple getting married hired 3 private nannies to look after the children on location (there was a lot! ) I understand it might not be that easy to find private nannies in a distant location but surely they would still have the relevant checks and qualifications as in any other country. I felt fine leaving my 10 month old with them as they had been vetted properly, were on location and 30 seconds away if i wanted to check in or if they wanted to check anything with me.

bbcessex · 07/11/2016 19:40

As Fintress said way up post. . I've been on a beach as weddings took place under a gazebo in many destinations.. private they are not.. I think a 2 year old is the least of your noise troubles. . A banana boat went past when one couple were saying their vows!!

crazywriter · 07/11/2016 19:40

YANBU in wanting what you want. I'm all up for bride and groom getting the say.

What I don't understand is why bother with a lavish Mexico wedding and then have another in the UK inviting the same people. I always thought destination weddings were for smaller weddings. Why not just have close family and the bridal party invited to Mexico and everyone else invited to the UK celebrations?

Some people will make a big song and dance about child free...just have to read some other threads on here to see how pissy people get...but that's really their problem. As long as like you've said that you understand if they don't make it and don't make a big deal about it yourself I don't think YABU at all.

Secretmetalfan · 07/11/2016 19:42

Looks like the op now realises she ibu. Good job as most overseas weddings take place within very clear earshot of kids in the sea and pool and usually the animation team calling for people to join in water polo. Kids clubs usually start at 4 except in family centric hotels (sensatori/holiday village)

BakeOffBiscuits · 07/11/2016 19:45

Ruby well done for reconsidering.

I'd also like to respond to the poster up thread who said "at a wedding even if they make noise. It's not a solemn occasion. Laugh, grin and shrug it off"

FFS, getting married is one of the most serious things you'll ever do, many, many people don't want screaming, screeching children as they are exchanging their legally binding vows.

garlicandsapphire · 07/11/2016 19:50

I wonder if you'll look back on this if you have kids/babies and are excluded from one of your siblings weddings?

I would've thought their children are part of your life and family and love would be shared with all. I love a happy fun gathering with all ages and generations, noise, fun, excitement. I know there's loads of mumsnetters who disagree - I just prefer the mediterranean model of what a family is - it extends the love and occasion to everyone.

Bummymummy77 · 07/11/2016 19:52

Another thing to think of is that quite a lot of people I know now are not taking young children to zika areas. Not that much is known about its impact on developing brains and I know of at least 9 families that want to wait until their children are older before taking them somewhere like that.

MissBeehiving · 07/11/2016 19:53

I have come to the conclusion that I must be Billy No Mates because I can't think of 100 people that would be prepared to spend £1000s and 2 weeks of their annual leave watching me get married 😔

perditalost · 07/11/2016 19:53

I have seen a fair few destination weddings- just as a hotel guest. They are quite public. Often hotel guests seem to get invited along (or dragged in) - 1 was a massive society affair in India and another in Egypt.

Bummymummy77 · 07/11/2016 19:53

And your question is - is it unreasonable to ask them to put them in a kids club for a couple of hours?

I wouldn't dream of it for a second myself for many reasons.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/11/2016 19:54

rtft so op was just asking about this, it isnt set in stone?

fwiw nothing wrong with abroad weddings, i got married in Antigua, but did with just close family, think 8 of us in all

then huge party back home, tho i did say no kids as 99% of my friends had children, so to include all them would have meant less adults we wanted for space/h&s etc

plus amount of friends weddings i went to, with friends kids there and its usually dad pissed and mum looking after kids/not chilling and enjoying the wedding

so no kids and all my friends were happy with this, actually enjoyed being bob and sue and not mum/dad iyswim

but

you cant ask guests to travel 8hrs by plane, have huge costs and then ask them to leave their children with a total stranger,as so young - if 6/8+ then you can explain to them to a) quite or b) going to go in kids club for 30mins AND then join rest of wedding

ash1977 · 07/11/2016 19:56

Haven't RTFT but just wanted to say we took then 20 mth old DS to a friend's destination wedding in Portugal. No kids at ceremony (5* hotel) but couple hired babysitters from before the ceremony right through until 3am, you could take them in and out e.g. at dinner time and it worked really well. We wouldn't have gone if it weren't for that but equally if we hadn't been comfortable with babysitters there was no problem for one of us to sit out the ceremony but still do the rest. HTH.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/11/2016 19:58

Why?

Why bother inviting people to Mexico at all? Why not just elope and celebrate in the UK after, considering that you rather have NO people at your wedding, than end up with a couple of nieces/nephews present among the guests.

thatdearoctopus · 07/11/2016 19:58

Grin Grin at the banana boat!!

icemistOBE · 07/11/2016 19:58

Never mind the unruly children what about the adults who take full advantage of the all-inclusive bar on the day of your wedding because you don't get married till late afternoon HmmShockWinkGrin

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 20:07

bakeoff thanks for the vote of confidence, we too agree that it's a pretty big deal and would appreciate a bit of quiet (also would be in a private section of hotel)

garlic quite frankly if that's what my sibling wanted I would understand....it would be their wedding and it wouldn't be my right to call the shots on his day

icemist all inclusive drinking is fine by me, a boozy wedding is what we'd love. All our friends are respectful enough and not teenagers to not get fully sozzled until the ceremony was over

OP posts:
BirdInTheRoom · 07/11/2016 20:12

I've been to two weddings abroad where we've had childcare on site with supposedly trained, qualified child careers. Both times it was awful and I would never use anything like it again - I just wouldn't go to the wedding if I didn't have a choice.

The problem is you're often told by the bride and groom (who have been told by their wedding planner) that they have this amazing childcare set up for you, but you have no way of knowing how good it is until you leave your child there for the day and then it's too late!

QuintessentialShadow · 07/11/2016 20:14

quite frankly if that's what my sibling wanted I would understand....it would be their wedding and it wouldn't be my right to call the shots on his day

Grin

You really think that is going to be your position 7 years down the line when your younger sister/brother wants to get married under the Northern Lights in an ice hotel in the arctic, during Christmas, next to the REAL santa, reindeer and all, with dogsledding, and you are not welcome because you have children (or a fab beach in Thailand or whereever youd love to go)

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 20:18

quintessential God yes!!!! Good for them if that's what they'd want! The northern lights are incredible....maybe we'll go there instead for our wedding Grin honestly, I am fully with the "it's about the bride and groom" crowd...they want to say their views under the northern lights, go for it. In a cage in front of sharks, good for you.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 20:19

*vows not views

OP posts:
Hysterectical · 07/11/2016 20:20

Life is so much nicer since I decided not to go to weddings anymore. It's liberating. Why would anyone want to pay to gomsomewhwre they don't want to go, use up precious leave ano then have to sit through someone else's stuff?
I ❤ being over 40 and saying thanks but no thanks.

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 20:20

Are you saying you'd actively stop your sibling getting married somewhere because you couldnt make it?

OP posts:
Hysterectical · 07/11/2016 20:22

But.took be fair it's your wedding and you are welcome to have it your way. Don't make exceptions, you'll regret it and it will spoil the day.

thatdearoctopus · 07/11/2016 20:23

Are you saying you'd actively stop your sibling getting married somewhere because you couldnt make it?

Who has said that? Hmm

Strongmummy · 07/11/2016 20:24

I definitely do see that some people may feel differently to me, just as I know the thousands of people who use hotel baby sitting services, emergency nannies, kids clubs would probably have the same attitude as me, especially as it's just for the ceremony. Ask the relatives if they'd be comfortable with the arrangement. Job done!