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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No children at destination wedding

540 replies

RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 08:55

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 17:54

Just pointing out that we're not going to be doing this, it was something I was interested for opinions on...which I have got. Thanks everyone, message received loud and clear.
Thanks to those who have also not attacked our personalities and offered potential alternatives, much appreciated

OP posts:
LaPharisienne · 07/11/2016 17:57

Lol at "destination wedding" and "too scared".

That is all

perditalost · 07/11/2016 18:02

Just pointing out that we're not going to be doing this, it was something I was interested for opinions on...which I have got. Thanks everyone, message received loud and clear. Thanks to those who have also not attacked our personalities and offered potential alternatives, much appreciated

On what page of the thread do you say that - so now you seem to be saying that this is all in fact a wind up and you are not proposing a Mexican wedding without children? I have scanned back but cant find it?

Effendi · 07/11/2016 18:08

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites
From your op.

Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 18:10

perditalost I emphasised the word "going" to do this. On several of my previous responses I have pointed this out.

"Thanks for everyones responses. Nothing has been set in stone, far from it. Was purely sounding out an idea..."

"We were just sounding the idea of the child free ceremony abroad..."

"Thanks seven I think that's going to happen, if we choose to go down the Mexico route which everyone has made me question" (again, I think)

"Maybe from everyone's responses we don't send any invites out" (again...maybe...we haven't decided yet)

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 18:11

Yes, "being planned"
At what other point would you be thinking of what to do other than the planning stage so as to keep everyone happy

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 18:13

As a childless couple, I figured asking MN would be a good place to seek opinions of parents about travelling abroad for a wedding. Opinions which have been received in their hundreds and I've thanked everyone for them. Needless to say the "plans" are being reconsidered! Blush

OP posts:
WLF46 · 07/11/2016 18:27

Your wedding, your rules. If they don't like it, they don't have to come. If there are a hundred invitations going out, there are probably other people you could invite instead.

thatdearoctopus · 07/11/2016 18:31

Your wedding, your rules.

Charming. See, I don't agree with this, because some entitled Bridezillas take it as a green light to be as diva-ish as they like, all under the guise of "It's our day." Well, fine, but not if you're going to end up pissing off/seriously offending your nearest and dearest in the meantime.

You need to think of the long game here. The wedding is one day (unless you force everyone to go to Mexico for a week Wink ), but the marriage and any subsequent family fall-out is going to linger for a darn sight longer.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 07/11/2016 18:33

Hang on, I don't understand something.

You want to invite all the people you would invite here, 100 or so.

Of which 2 have kids? BIL's...?

So the party here will be kids galore apparently.... which kids??

Headofthehive55 · 07/11/2016 18:53

I think people often get an expectation from other guests, "well we are going - wouldn't miss it for anything..." So you feel bad and examine your pitiful holiday fund. You feel you should...you hate the fact it's so expensive, but how can you say to your sibling / friend nah, you aren't worth it...
It's a huge pressure.

GinAndTunic · 07/11/2016 19:00

People are missing the point that we're insisting no one has to be there!

You are the one missing the point.

I know that this is crazy but - often, when people get married, they want their nearest and dearest to witness their public commitment to spend the rest of their lives together.

So, if you invite people to a destination wedding and to tell them, in effect, "it's just an invitation; we don't expect you to take it seriously and, if you do, we don't want your brats ruining our speshul day by making noise" then, yes, you are going to get pushback.

JustCallMeKate · 07/11/2016 19:05

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day

So you won't mind the guy in speedos strolling past if your wedding is on a beach, or the bikini clad people laughing in the sea behind you? Are you going to ask every other guest at the hotel to be quiet/not talk etc? You do know a lot of hotels in Mexico have their wedding pergola thingy on the public beaches don't you?

Strongmummy · 07/11/2016 19:07

So nobody else has used a babysitting service in a hotel before when they go to dinner with their partner? Nobody has used an emergency nanny when they've had childcare issues? Just me then. I must be the worst parent in the world. On the basis a wedding ceremony takes half an hour max, the children will be in the same location, the parents can meet the nanny beforehand and the OP can actually DISCUSS the childcare arrangements with her guests beforehand I genuinely fail to see the issue. OP if you want to do it, I'd go for it.

DementedO1 · 07/11/2016 19:17

So your husband to be doesn't want his neice/nephew at the ceremony... Good luck when he has kids of his own .

rollonthesummer · 07/11/2016 19:18

So nobody else has used a babysitting service in a hotel before when they go to dinner with their partner? Nobody has used an emergency nanny when they've had childcare issues?

No, in 16 years of being a parent, I haven't done either of those things.

LagunaBubbles · 07/11/2016 19:19

your wedding, your rules

A wedding is meant to be a celebration, a ceremony and day about love and those who we love and love us the most, and having them their to help and join in the celebrations. That's what should matter to people....except some get carried away and forget this. The phrase your wedding, your rules is horrible and for me goes against everything a wedding should be about. And all these people that go on and on about their "dream" venue or destination and need to have it can at all costs especially lose sight. No dream destination in the world would be really a dream for me if those I really wanted there couldn't be there because of the cost of attending.

So have you dream child free destination wedding OP. As you have said you dont seem to really care whose there anyway, apart from parents. But it's only one day, and you have a lifetime of managing relationships with people afterwards. I'm another who would go for a wedding in the UK and then honeymoon abroad.

dollylucy · 07/11/2016 19:23

My wedding planner found me a nanny and we had an area close by for the children to be looked after. Some of the older kids helped( unplanned)
Worked really well, the parents could pop in and out if needed to and the children were entertained.
It wasn't at all like dropping them off at kids club

HyacinthFuckit · 07/11/2016 19:25

I've never done either of those things strongmummy, no. I don't think it makes me a better or indeed worse parent than you, especially as an emergency childcarer is by definition a situation where you've not had much choice, but I haven't wanted or had to do it, so have chosen not to. When I need to leave my children in the care of others, it has always either been family or a childcare/educational provision with the usual settling in, introduction sessions, meeting the people who'll be looking after them well in advance etc.

You must see, surely, that there are lots of people who feel differently to you on this? It doesn't follow that anyone's wrong, but it does mean that as this is a situation where the opinion of parents would vary, there's not much point taking into account the views of any parents other than those affected. I stand by my view that from what OP says, the parents concerned sound like they have form.

Horsegirl1 · 07/11/2016 19:30

You are being very un reasonable. FFS so what if a kid cries or males a noise during a wedding ??? Get over yourself

Horsegirl1 · 07/11/2016 19:32

I don't get at all way people go on about weddings. TO me it was about friends family kids babies and everyone celebrating us making our vows. I just wanted everyone to have a good time and enjoy the wedding. We got married in church then had a big shindig in a barn. NO seating plans or formal wedding stuff. Just a bloody good knees up with all the people that mattered

ILikeTrains · 07/11/2016 19:33

Oh I do hope you save this post and re-read it in four/five or however many years it is until you have children of your own. What seems like a totally justifiable request to someone who hasn't had children is just laughable to a seasoned parent. Hope you have a lovely wedding whatever you decide.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/11/2016 19:34

Good for you Horsegirl for others that type of wedding may be a nightmare.

All personal choice.

theclick · 07/11/2016 19:36

While I get it, it's hard as not only are you asking people to fly to Mexico, you are asking them to sort out childcare. YABU.

Secretmetalfan · 07/11/2016 19:37

So nobody else has used a babysitting service in a hotel before when they go to dinner with their partner? Nobody has used an emergency nanny when they've had childcare issues?

No never done this. We go on family holidays to spend time as a family, our son would not be happy to be left with a stranger