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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex refusing I return 3yo after contact

144 replies

Mooey89 · 05/11/2016 17:24

Contact 10-4 Saturdays. No overnights due to catalogue of concerns re home environment/domestic abuse
Waiting for court on Dec 5th.

Went for contact today, due home at 4, text saying he is keeping him overnight will return him tomorrow at 6 and there is nothing I can do about it. DS hadnt stayed overnight there for 6 months. He left this morning thinking he would be coming back to me after.

Police can't do anything without a court order.
He's also stopped maintenance this month to 'punish' me.

He's such a cunt.

OP posts:

nippey · 05/11/2016 18:05

That's awful! I'm sorry I have no wise words or advice but am sending and

Flisspaps · 05/11/2016 18:07

Have Social Services agreed no overnight contact or is it your decision?

If it's Social Services, can you alert the duty Social Worker? They may not be able to do anything tonight but it won't look good for him in court, surely?

BratFarrarsPony · 05/11/2016 18:08

how horrible for you and for the child.
This will not look good for him at court though will it?

ImperialBlether · 05/11/2016 18:09

I'd be beside myself. Is his contact in writing?

Soubriquet · 05/11/2016 18:11

What would happen if you sent
"Oh good. Excellent. Would love a night off. I'm going to get dressed now and go out for the evening. So glad you've stepped up to be a dad to your son again"

Sorry OP must be very stressful for you

JenLindleyShitMom · 05/11/2016 18:11

Well that's contact knocked on the head until you get a court order saying he has to go isn't it?

Sit tight for now until he brings him home tomorrow. Say nothing to him when he returns him, just bring DS inside and shut the door. Have you a solicitor. Call solicitor first thing Monday morning and have this recorded. Keep all texts, write down exactly what happened.

JenLindleyShitMom · 05/11/2016 18:12

Do not send that message as suggested by soubriquet

Soubriquet · 05/11/2016 18:13

I wasn't saying send it, just asking what would happen IF you said that.

Sixweekstowait · 05/11/2016 18:19

How awful. I assume you are keeping the text as evidence. Can you get advice this week as to whether you can refuse to allow contact next w/ e in view of this behaviour?

JenLindleyShitMom · 05/11/2016 18:21

Yes she can refuse contact as there Is no order in place.

Original poster

Mooey89 · 05/11/2016 18:24

Yes, I have a solicitor. After last weekend when he bought him home 2 hours late, solicitor wrote to him and said he needs to bring him home by 4 or they will be forced to 'give me certain advice'

This is it now. I can't ever trust him again. Until I have a court order, he just can't see him. So wish it didn't have to be like this.

OP posts:

bluecashmere · 05/11/2016 18:28

This is horrible for you and for your ds.

That won't look great for him in court but once you have a court order in place it should be easier to manage contact. If you refuse future contact he may use it against you though.

The sad truth is that he may well be granted overnights in court as they aren't interested unless there is evidence of significant problems. What is the situation there? Has there been police involvement? What about cafcass?

SemiNormal · 05/11/2016 18:29

So sorry you're going through all this, it's so horrible and not fair on your little one at all. My ex would pull stupid shit like this too. Try to at least console yourself that this is NOT going to look good on him in court.

Is there any way you could have contact arranged through supervised visits whilst waiting for court? it may not be something he will accept of course but your offer, under the circumstances, will at least show you are trying your best to be reasonable.

RandomMess · 05/11/2016 18:37

Remember when you go to court to get a power of arrest attached to the contact arrangements.

I guess I would also be asking for a contact centre to be used when contact is restarted to "build trust" especially do to the concerns you have.

Also on the phone to CMS, no more private maintenance arrangement.

Oh and yes go out this evening, you can't achieve anything by staying in so ensure you get some good company to distract you!

SquinkiesRule · 05/11/2016 18:38

I'd just stop all visits till there is a court order too, if the police can do nothing and there is no one in his family that agrees with you and would go get him for you, all you can do is sit tight.
Don't text back, he's sitting there on pins waiting for you to go ballistic and start texting and calling like a mad woman.
He knows he's supposed to return him, all you can do is wait and say nothing at drop off, close the door and see the solicitor Monday. Then don't be there for any more of his pick ups till an order is in place.
I'll bet if he gets no reaction, he is going to start texting and goading you, keep them all.

EweAreHere · 05/11/2016 18:47

If he can't be trusted, you'll have to stop the visits.

And keep a record of it. When he returns the child, tell him this issue will be coming up in court since his word is clearly no good.

pipsqueak25 · 05/11/2016 18:52

what a shit ! stay strong and try to keep occupied, don't contact him and say very little or nothing tomorrow on return, most of all stay strong and focused for monday and prepare for your phone calls to cms

slenderisthenight · 05/11/2016 18:53

How awful for you :( Could you ask to speak to your child on the phone, just so he knows everything is alright and you think he is safe? If he knows you wouldn't be happy about him staying it will probably ramp up his stress levels.

gizmo79 · 05/11/2016 18:55

God what a horrible chap. So sorry your going through this.
Some exes just love having the control sadly. Try your hardest to ignore and court isn't far away. Good luck.

headinthecloud · 05/11/2016 19:04

Well he's fucked up any future access I would imagine.
Am really thinking of you tonight as I would be feeling quite murderous if I was you.

emmyhNL · 05/11/2016 19:06

Agree with everyone here. Stay strong, get your ass to a solicitor first thing on Monday and get this all done. Do you have a social worker? Not sure I saw that answer but if you do, call them and get this logged.

Log everything for court. I hope your DC will be OK as his expectations are changing too.

lightsandresistance · 05/11/2016 19:10

Say nothing. Get ds home tomorrow, smile, shut the door , stop contact and ring solicitor.

Don't let him think he has got one over you.

queenofthebucket · 05/11/2016 19:43

God, how predictable and destructive. Sorry you're having to deal with this. So he is reacting to being "told off" by your solicitor. Make sure in court you point out how he is prepared to put your son's emotional wellbeing to one side in order to satisfy his own ego with his bullying tactics.

As everyone else says, try not to react, that is what he is aiming for. Hope your little boy is not too upset.

Original poster

Mooey89 · 05/11/2016 19:48

Thanks all. DP is making a curry, I've got a G&T and I'm going to try to enjoy sleeping past 5am in the morning. I'm really hoping DS is enjoying the adventure, but equally am sure ex doesn't have pjs or nappies or anything for him - unless he does, but that would suggest that this was totally premeditated and planned.

OP posts:

QueenLizIII · 05/11/2016 19:51

When you finally do get a Court order, draw it to the courts attention at his failure to comply with contact arrangements and ask the Court to attach a Penal Notice to the Order.

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