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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my fiances ex?

129 replies

chickencurrynriceyum · 04/11/2016 16:45

This is a bit of a back story, but I have 2 ds (6 and 3) and I am pregnant due next month. My older DSs dad doesn't see them, so I was really pleased when I met my current fiancé but he's already got a child with his ex who causes lots of problems for us. She always comments on my scan photos on Facebook, she has photos of my ex up. She clearly can't move on. AIBU to think she needs to back off?

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 04/11/2016 22:35

You need to stop procreating.

Boolovessulley · 05/11/2016 06:35

The op has still not clarified what wAs written on Facebook.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/11/2016 08:06

She apparently said the baby looks like the dad!

BubbleGumBubble · 05/11/2016 08:30

Because your ex is out of the picture you are able to pretend you have a nice neat family until you remember that your DSD has a mum who is active in her life and yours.

This will always be the case and you need to accept it otherwise you will find your life becoming stressful.

The problem is you not the ex. You cannot erase her and if you try you will lose.

MakeItRain · 05/11/2016 08:51

Has your partner talked to his ex about contact? It's quite normal for a 3 year old of separated parents to spend overnights with both parents. Even though it's difficult for the mum. A court would say stopping that was unreasonable unless there are safeguarding issues. He needs to initially (sensitively) ask her for more contact. If she blocks it he needs to apply for more contact through the court. If it were my ex stopping me from having overnights with my 3 year old I wouldn't pussyfoot around trying to keep things happy with my ex, I would go down the legal route for more contact.
As for the FB comments, just answer her comments with "yes she does, doesn't she." Don't get involved or get up about it.
Your DP needs to sort out the contact agreements with his ex.

theleagueagainsttedium · 05/11/2016 11:56

YABVVU

TheNaze73 · 05/11/2016 12:17

You are the one with the issue here.

So a Mum, says her baby looks like the Dad? That's hardly a shock is it?

Your DP & her have a lifelong bond through that child. You need to learn how to deal with it

JessShouldHaveBeenAPiranha · 05/11/2016 12:28

TheNaze. Exactly this. I'm afraid you can't re-write your partner's history. The mother of his child isn't going to disappear in a puff of smoke. Time to start putting all the children involved first, rather than obsessing about her FB posts.

graphista · 05/11/2016 12:39

Wow! My daughter's stepmum has been around since my daughter was 2 and the stepmum was only 18 herself! And yet she (stepmum) was MASSIVELY more mature, accepting and sensible than you're being! My daughter adores her and I get on OK with her too - the result being my daughter can enjoy being part of both families without feeling guilty or rejected!

You need to grow up, stop seeing a 3 yr old as a threat or seriously consider splitting with your fiancé! You've done too much far too fast (and yes I hold him responsible in that too!).

CupofTeaTime · 05/11/2016 13:04

OP you're a complete fruit loop.

0dfod · 05/11/2016 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SemiNormal · 05/11/2016 15:58

Op why does you do not have his dd for over night contact? She is 3 and really he needs to be stepping up and having her over night, at least every other weekend and every mid week as an absolute minimum. -

I doubt OP will come back but I'd hazard a guess that with the 2 children already there and one on the way there'd be an excuse of 'not enough room', if that IS the case then more pushing out of the daughter. Also, if that is the case then it's completely understandable if the ex wants her daughter back before teatime, tbh I'd not want my child in an environment where she is constantly made to feel second best - I know in the eyes of the law ex wouldn't have much to go on but I'd really be concerned about my childs emotional well being in this situation.

Original poster
chickencurrynriceyum · 05/11/2016 16:01

Actually we really want DD overnight but the ex says no! So now you can see what we are up against!

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 05/11/2016 16:16

I should imagine that she thinks it will be too much for their DD to be shoved into a family unit with two other DC there. Really he should be having time on his own with his DD, not you all having 'family time' every visit. I'm not saying don't do stuff all together but he needs that one to one time with her as well.

And you are up against nothing. This is up to your DP to sort out. And if you are being this antagonistic then I have no doubt his ex will feel very wary about leaving her child in your care.

You haven't answered the questions about how long you have been together or how long you have been living together. Also when is the baby due? It's really important for your DP's DD to feel secure with her dad and with the arrival of your boys and the new baby coming she could very well feel very pushed out and start either acting up or regressing in terms of toilet training, sleep etc. It's not uncommon even in a regular family, never mind this situation.

I'd really like to know how long you have been together.

SemiNormal · 05/11/2016 16:24

Actually we really want DD overnight but the ex says no! So now you can see what we are up against! - You really are taking the biscuit here!! No response as to how you think a poor 3 year old is feeling at all, but poor you right? All about you and your family, what you want - never mind what she is going through! Are you really so lacking in self awareness?

pinkyredrose · 05/11/2016 16:28

Well go to court and fight for overnights?

foursillybeans · 05/11/2016 16:32

Thre is a lot of aggro on this thread towards the OP.

OP, two things, one I do think you need to think a bit more about the mother of your DP's DD. She will be around forever so best to try (not easy I know) and not let contact issues and arrangements get under your skin. It sounds to me like you, well your DP obviously, need to sort out these issues with court arranged visitation. It won't solve all your problems but it will better if you can have days out, overnight stays, etc.
Two, just consider that your pregnancy hormones could be affecting the way you are feeling right now. You might be easier to irritate and a tad irrational especially about things like FB comments. Worth considering. Comments like DD looking like her own DF are not weird or strange but normal. Possibly irritating on a good day (but without real cause just human nature) but with pregnancy hormones you could be overreacting.

graphista · 05/11/2016 16:32

I am wondering like someone else did if this is the same person who was writing about stepdaughter at upcoming wedding.

No bloody wonder the mother doesn't want her daughter staying overnight somewhere even WE can sense she is not genuinely welcomed! It's so clear from your tone and word choice that you'd much rather this child simply didn't exist! I wouldn't want my daughter spending much time with you either!

And absolutely agree dad should be getting one to one time with HIS DAUGHTER.

Your children and your needs are not the concern of his ex or his daughter.

Original poster
chickencurrynriceyum · 05/11/2016 19:12

What same person? You criticise I not having overnights then criticise when I say we want them.

OP posts:
graphista · 05/11/2016 19:20

As far as I can tell it's different people saying 'You should have stepdaughter overnight ' and those criticising if you were to ask for them.

What most of us are saying is put the child first which you really don't seem to be doing in fact you seem to massively resent a 3 yr old!

graphista · 05/11/2016 19:23

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2768557-Aibu-Fallen-out-with-sister-over-DP

This is the other thread myself and another referred to.

ladylambkin · 05/11/2016 19:24

I think you are massively overthinking ..try not to make an issue where there doesn't need to be

2014newme · 05/11/2016 19:25

You can still have a day out and get toddler home for her tea. Did you really not go for a day out because of that?

MrTCakes · 05/11/2016 19:47

Grow up and put the children first ffs. Your posts are all me me me.

Ilovegoldenretrievers · 05/11/2016 19:52

Are u sure 3 year old DD isn't in fact a boy under the age of 2? And that u were with boyfriend when he was with the ex? If u are who I think u are then ur attitude is awful to that boy and his mum and shame on ur boyfriend for playing happy families with u when that girl was alone and pregnant. u found a new dad for your kids and now u want everything for urself. I hope his ex sees this because that girl is trying her best and ur just burnt up with jealousy. Everyone sees it. Don't think they haven't.