Aibu? Fallen out with sister over DP

(354 Posts)

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Ilovepapaya Sun 30-Oct-16 17:39:38

Nc for this....im usually in the pregnancy section so be gentle....

I've had a bit of a row with my sister today. We were at our parent's house for Sunday lunch, and I was talking about my wedding plans.

To give a bit of background - DP had split up with an on and off girlfriend of a few years when I met him. When we were together a few weeks, she revealed she was pregnant with his child. His daughter is now 2. We have her eow and for tea twice a week.....we wanted 50/50 but the ex wouldn't agree.

She is really hard work- always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her. It's been hard for DP to bond with dsd at times because ex won't give him space to be a dad to her without her hovering over her shoulder.

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

My sister and parents are quite old fashioned. I was explaining the situation to them and asking their advice, and my sister said she was sick of my moaning and how negative I was over dsd. I love dsd and have been in her life from birth, obviously I was cross and things got heated. Dsis has NEVER liked DP and she made this clear

Dsis and I are not talking now. My parents are saying I should apologise but surely Dsis should be the one to apologise?

This is such a mess. My wedding is in six weeks. I am also 8 weeks pregnant and have had horrendous morning sickness and feel stressed and exhausted as it is

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 30-Oct-16 17:43:02

Why not, invite the ex to the wedding, assuming you get along well enough.

Bruce02 Sun 30-Oct-16 17:43:22

You didn't really fall out over dp. You fell out because she feels you moan a lot about your dsd and you don't think you do.

It's impossible to tell who is right. Not really sure what all the additional information about the ex hovering is about though, maybe I am missing something.

sesise Sun 30-Oct-16 17:46:19

Why doesn't your sister like your partner?

228agreenend Sun 30-Oct-16 17:47:56

Surely your relationship with dsd is none of dsis business.

I guess ex has been over protective of dsd because it must be difficult to hand over your new born baby to your ex (ie dp) and his new girlfriend.

Could you pay for ex to have a taxi to pick dsd up?

PeggyMitchell123 Sun 30-Oct-16 17:51:05

it doesn't seem very long between you getting with your partner and him finishing with the ex if she had only just found she was pregnant, maybe your sister has always judged him for that?

On a side note, I am in support in stepmothers but I don't actually think the ex sounds bad at all. Your partner's daughter is still a baby really, I think most mothers would want to keep their baby close to them and now where they are and hover. You may well be the same.

Ilovepapaya Sun 30-Oct-16 17:51:44

Sorry I wasn't very clear. Dsis thinks DP is lazy and unreliable in general and doesn't do enough for dsd. But the ex can be hard work and at times didn't really give him a chance.

Also my family didn't think I should have been with DP when there was another woman pregnant with his child. OK I can see why they'd be worried but ex and DP were split up and was DP going to remain single just because she was pregnant?

It's been a lot of things over the past two or three years really and it's all come to a head

WaxingNinja Sun 30-Oct-16 17:52:43

You haven't called out over your DP.

You've fallen out over your DSD, specifically because your sister is sick of you moaning and being negative about DSD. And as your parents think you should be the one to apologise - and we all weren't there but they were - I'm inclined to think your sister is right.

Myusernameismyusername Sun 30-Oct-16 17:52:46

I agree maybe integrate the ex would be a good plan

From the other POV she was left alone as a single mother and pregnant and now he is marrying someone else, it's a hard situation for you all. So I would say some sympathy and understanding might go some way
As for your sister, well maybe she wasn't very polite over it but she does she have a point? Are you negative about this all the time? Maybe you are more than you realise and it grates on people - sorry I'm not trying to be unsympathetic but there are many sides to different stories

Ilovepapaya Sun 30-Oct-16 17:53:33

I don't want to invite ex to our wedding. She already feels that she can control DP through dsd, I just want a day we can enjoy without ex hanging round

Myusernameismyusername Sun 30-Oct-16 17:55:03

Sorry I didn't see your update. Maybe you are a little blinded by your DP's role in this but essentially it's not really your sisters place to pass judgement. You might have to make a rule or not discussing this too much with her. I think my sisters Dp is a lazy arse (he is) but he's not my partner so we try not to discuss it

stella23 Sun 30-Oct-16 17:55:39

Why doesn't dp drive? Do you drive? This may become a problem for your relationship when you have another child added to the mix

Ilovepapaya Sun 30-Oct-16 17:56:49

I'm possibly a bit negative over the ex but not dsd,she's fine. My sister has three children and she just thinks she knows better than me about some things I've had trouble with. The lack of overnights for instance. I complained about that and Dsis said dsd was still too young. But DP is her father!!

Myusernameismyusername Sun 30-Oct-16 17:57:37

You are very negative about the ex I don't think this is a good thing and it's something you can change

Bubblegum18 Sun 30-Oct-16 17:57:54

I could understand your sister concern especially if there was a cross over from when there relationship ended and yours started.

If you want DSD it's up to you to make the arrangement how she gets home if you could ask someone to watch her and return her.

HereIAm20 Sun 30-Oct-16 17:58:24

Do you not have a friend who can take DSD home to her mother or as suggested above pay for a taxi to bring ex there to collect her daughter.

Does your DP not have any family member eg a sibling or his DM (DMIL) who is still on good terms with the ex who could negotiate either the overnighter or an acceptable way for DSD to be returned.

As a 2 year old surely you wouldn't really want her to be there for the evening do in that she will be very tired etc. If she were to at the end of the day event you'd both be able to let your hair down a bit.

Myusernameismyusername Sun 30-Oct-16 17:59:44

I think you and Dp have a real duty here to try be the bigger people. Things may settle down if you show her a bit of compassion and understanding. I know how it feels sorry but to have a childless GF come along and tell me all the things I am doing wrong with regard to my DC and my exDP. It felt like 2 against 1 a lot of the time and this is perpetuating the cycle with your negativity

ShelaghTurner Sun 30-Oct-16 18:01:38

OP said the ex doesn't drive. Is DP supposed to leave his own wedding to run the child home?

bloodyteenagers Sun 30-Oct-16 18:02:54

For her comments it suggests you do talk about the girl a lot.

Why isn't he sorting out how to get his dd home? What other stuff does he expect you to do?

TBH I wouldn't want my 2 year old staying up late surrounded by people drinking.

JellyWitch Sun 30-Oct-16 18:04:04

I wouldn't let my 2 year old overnight without me so I don't think the ex is being at all unreasonable. Little kids do need their mothers at night. as she gets older, she will want to stay overnight and that's the time to do it. No rush.

Ilovepapaya Sun 30-Oct-16 18:04:34

A taxi could be an option I suppose.

I probably am a bit negative about ex, but she's made life so difficult us for us at times and it really upsets DP when she calls the shots and doesn't let him have a say. It really has spoilt the early days of our relationship and times when we should have been relaxed and having fun.

We didn't get together when he was with ex. They'd been on and off for years and they had been split up a week when we got together. Then a few weeks after that she came and told him she was pregnant. They'd been on and off for years and she was used to him running back to her so I think she was cross about that

llangennith Sun 30-Oct-16 18:06:03

Your DSD's mother is looking out for her DD. I wouldn't really want my very young DD staying o/n too often if at all with an ex and his girlfriend. Your DSD is not your DD.
Stop discussing her with your sister and find something else to talk about.
I don't know who's in the right or wrong here but maybe you could take the higher moral ground and apologise but agree not to discuss DSD any more.

MaudlinNamechange Sun 30-Oct-16 18:07:36

I can see your sister's POV over this. As someone who has 3 children she knows how tough it can be. with respect, you don't. (yet)

If a woman I cared about was about to marry someone who had left a pregnant woman (I don't know what happened, I am just talking about what she might assume), then got someone else pregnant within the next 2 years, and didn't seem to be a hands on dad to his first child - well, I would worry.

Now you are pregnant and now you are getting married, she should be quiet and support you. But I wouldn't like your situation for my sister, my friend, or my daughter.

(I chose the wrong guy myself, by the way, so there's an element of that in here too)

CalleighDoodle Sun 30-Oct-16 18:07:44

Can a bridesmaid tAke a round trip in a taxi?

NickiFury Sun 30-Oct-16 18:08:20

"but ex and DP were split up and was DP going to remain single just because she was pregnant? "

Well why not? It's only 7 months if she was a few months pregnant when she found out.

I would worry about this if my close family member was involved in this situation too, it's very sticky isn't it? NI don't think there's anything wrong with that on your sisters part.

I think most women would find it hard to hand their tiny baby over to their ex and his new girlfriend to be honest and I think your expectations of her are too high. Maybe your sister sees that too? You may find you're more sympathetic to that once you have your own child.

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