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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my fiances ex?

129 replies

chickencurrynriceyum · 04/11/2016 16:45

This is a bit of a back story, but I have 2 ds (6 and 3) and I am pregnant due next month. My older DSs dad doesn't see them, so I was really pleased when I met my current fiancé but he's already got a child with his ex who causes lots of problems for us. She always comments on my scan photos on Facebook, she has photos of my ex up. She clearly can't move on. AIBU to think she needs to back off?

OP posts:
JessShouldHaveBeenAPiranha · 04/11/2016 20:14

deathstare

But the ex is unreasonable.

For existing.

twattymctwatterson · 04/11/2016 20:18

I have a wee feeling this thread won't last Hmm

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/11/2016 20:20

I am 27, and why does it matter where my boys dad is?

Well you may need his permission to adopt for starters.

It is important however that his DD isn't pushed out.

Underchipsandpeas · 04/11/2016 20:22

If your 3 year old was out with his dad and his gf, wouldn't you want him back for tea?

Original poster
chickencurrynriceyum · 04/11/2016 20:27

I do know piglet, I'm not stupid! But I just felt like there is always this ex hanging over us.

OP posts:
Underchipsandpeas · 04/11/2016 20:29

How did their relationship end? Did he leave her or the other way around?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/11/2016 20:31

But I just felt like there is always this ex hanging over us.

'This ex' is a disgusting way to talk about the mother of your DSD.

She will always be there unless you want him to stop contact for your own gain.

Does he pay maintenance.

kimann · 04/11/2016 20:46

Shock eerrr yabvvu. Sorry!

twattymctwatterson · 04/11/2016 20:46

"Always there hanging over us". So basically what you're saying is that you want your DP to walk away from his daughter so there are no untidy loose ends getting in the way of your perfect family?

JessShouldHaveBeenAPiranha · 04/11/2016 20:47

Honestly, nothing you have posted makes her sound like any kind of a 'threat' to your relationship. She will always be in your life, to some extent, and you may actually appreciate her once the newborn arrives. What you do from here on can have a huge impact upon the happiness of your blended family.

Step back. Understand that she is (and always will be) the mother of your fiance's daughter. Concentrate on your relationship while respectfully acknowledging that, as she is the primary carer of DSD, she has a say in decision making. Appreciate the fact that DSD is only three so therefore , Mum is bound to be concerned about her whereabouts.

You can change the dynamic of this situation TODAY, OP. You are about to bring another life into the world. Let the little niggles go. I can understand you re stressed, but rather than see her 'hanging over you', try to accept that she will always be a part of your life and work on keeping it as agreeable as possible.

SemiNormal · 04/11/2016 20:47

I do know piglet, I'm not stupid! But I just felt like there is always this ex hanging over us. - Hate to break it to you sweetheart but if your partner is anything of a man then she will ALWAYS be there. If she's not, by your partners choosing, then he's not much of a man so good luck to you. You really really didn't think this through before falling pregnant did you?

So that's him moving in, an engagement, a new baby and now potentially adding your two boys to the mix being adopted too .... just stop and think for one minute, how the hell do you think his 3 year daughter feels? One minute he's with mummy and the next he's completely moved on with an entire new home, family and woman! I'm sorry but I do find it all a bit sickening. It seems not one of you (apart from ex) is thinking of all the children mixed up in this situation.

Lunar1 · 04/11/2016 20:52

Semi, I don't think the op cares how the ex's daughter feels!

SemiNormal · 04/11/2016 20:55

Semi, I don't think the op cares how the ex's daughter feels! - I think you're right, but she really should consider it, it could be her next! although sadly I fear a replacement daddy will be just around the corner

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/11/2016 20:57

Is the child's name Cinderella?

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 04/11/2016 21:05

So when you two break up (which you will because you're childish and insecure and a bit cray cray) then will he still have contact with his sons who are not his sons or will is just be the baby you're pregnant with?
I would probably give this more thought than the fact a woman says her child looks like their dad

Hayles88 · 04/11/2016 21:37

You're 27... Act it. Yabvvu and crazy. Sort yourself out. This woman is doing nothing wrong.

catinbooots · 04/11/2016 21:44

Yabu

Scan pics on FB? Seriously?

catinbooots · 04/11/2016 21:46

You say in your OP that her daughter is your stepdaughter.

So your sons are your stepsons? Yes?

catinbooots · 04/11/2016 21:47

Oh no I fucked that up thinking backwards. Sorry.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 04/11/2016 21:51

Oh ffs. People like you piss me off.

catinbooots · 04/11/2016 21:53

What I meant is you are ok for your DP to treat your DC as his own, but his 3 YR OLD* DD is not considered the same by you.

OUR sons.

HIS DD.

THE DD.

Fucking appalling mindset.

JessShouldHaveBeenAPiranha · 04/11/2016 22:06

Is the child's name Cinderella

Sadly, this is the second thread on MN tonight where a little girl is at the mercy of an uninvolved father and an angry stepmother. Grow the fuck up, act your age and remember this is a three year old child at the centre of your game-playing.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/11/2016 22:07

I suggest, next time, find a man who doesnt have children. You obviously cant handle the fact, he had a life before you.

catinbooots · 04/11/2016 22:11

This thread actually makes me feel really depressed

JessShouldHaveBeenAPiranha · 04/11/2016 22:23

cat

I really try to be objective on step-parenting threads, but, while I'm sure there are many amazing and involved ones out there, it would be nice if (at least on MN) some of them showed a little respect and empathy for the actial mother rather than constantly vilifying her. So many step mums on here are slating the mothers of their step children. It's as old as the hills. As PPs have said, if you can't handle being with a man who has a 'past' (has brought human beings into the world), find someone who doesn't have kids.