To stop talking to my mum?

[Bunnyc]

I know this is a bit silly, but I need some advice. My fiancée and I are trying to conceive, but we aren't telling parents as we are young and they will disapprove, especially mine. My fiancées parents will take it a lot better than mine will. Every time I speak to my mum on the phone she asks if I'm using protection and yesterday she kept going on about it, saying "we don't want to get pregnant now do we", as if this is her decision as well. She always says if I do get pregnant she will "March me down to the abortion clinic", which isn't her choice either. She's also quite rude, whenever she sees me she tells me I've put on weight and constantly asks what I've been eating. She calls me hopeless a lot, not realising how hurtful it is. I feel as though I cannot tell her a lot of things I'm going through as she either says something hurtful or doesn't care. I suffer from depression and quite a few times she has told me "you're not really depressed". I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and she doesn't even believe that. I feel like she has no right to tell me to use condoms, I live with my fiancée and haven't lived at home for a while. I told her I had come off the depo and said I was going on the pill (which I'm not as we're trying for a baby), and she keeps asking if I've gone to the doctors yet, telling me I need to go on the pill NOW. I'm sick of the way she talks to me and tries to control me. My dilemma is that when I get pregnant and tell her about it, if she says anything about an abortion or anything like that, that I will cut her out of my life. Every time I speak to her I get upset. If by some miracle she accepts me being pregnant (when I get pregnant) I don't know if I can let my child see their grandmother knowing she didn't even want me to have them in the first place. Am I being unreasonable for considering not talking to her again?

RedJumper I may have missed it but I don't believe she said her fiancee is working, just that he has a steady income, also from benefits.

I am so, so glad that benefits exist. However they exist at the whims of whatever politicians are in office at the the time. If the OP and her fiancee can, they'd be better off training, getting education and real skills that they can fall back on if something were to happen to their benefits. She says she doesn't want to work in a nursery or do criminology. What does she want to do when all of her children are in school or grown? People without disabilities aren't meant to live on benefits forever. That system can't work long term.

It's a real head-f*ck when an abusive/very wrong/unpleasant person has a kernel of truth in their behaviour.

What your mother is doing/ saying isn't kind or loving, she's being very, very unpleasant and controlling. She's also stamping all over her grown up daughters privacy and boundaries.

But it's based on a truth, which is that a baby will make a tough situation even tougher.

OP if I were you I'd spend some time separating yourself from your mother... Which doesn't mean cut her off without a word, there are gentler options to try first which focus on you thinking about you, and working on yourself.

Then I'd start making practical plans to have a family.

But I'd do it in that order, not the reverse. You won't be able to give yourself the time and attention you need to make yourself an independent and resilient person.

Think of it as an investment in your and your baby's future. Not as someone being mean and stopping you having the thing you want.

It's probably best you stop talking to your mother about your birth control and sex life.

Why you need £30 a month from her, I don't know. But stop that too.

Get counseling and medical support for your depression, it'll be invaluable for your impending pregnancy and motherhood.

If you won't take advice, get the proper help you will need.

Sorry I've not read the thread but:

1. it sounds like your mum knows you miscarried. She also thinks you are on contraception. Could it be that she thinks you actively don't want a baby but may accidentally fall into an unwanted pregnancy?

2. none of this is any of her business but if you engage in conversation about it, she may feel she is entitled to express her opinion. Stop discussing this with her.

3. I agree with others that she may have a point. You are engaged but not married, not entirely financially secure and suffering from depression. Perhaps you need to address these issues first.

if you engage in conversation about it, she may feel she is entitled to express her opinion. Stop discussing this with her.

Very good point.