To stop talking to my mum?

[Bunnyc]

I know this is a bit silly, but I need some advice. My fiancée and I are trying to conceive, but we aren't telling parents as we are young and they will disapprove, especially mine. My fiancées parents will take it a lot better than mine will. Every time I speak to my mum on the phone she asks if I'm using protection and yesterday she kept going on about it, saying "we don't want to get pregnant now do we", as if this is her decision as well. She always says if I do get pregnant she will "March me down to the abortion clinic", which isn't her choice either. She's also quite rude, whenever she sees me she tells me I've put on weight and constantly asks what I've been eating. She calls me hopeless a lot, not realising how hurtful it is. I feel as though I cannot tell her a lot of things I'm going through as she either says something hurtful or doesn't care. I suffer from depression and quite a few times she has told me "you're not really depressed". I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and she doesn't even believe that. I feel like she has no right to tell me to use condoms, I live with my fiancée and haven't lived at home for a while. I told her I had come off the depo and said I was going on the pill (which I'm not as we're trying for a baby), and she keeps asking if I've gone to the doctors yet, telling me I need to go on the pill NOW. I'm sick of the way she talks to me and tries to control me. My dilemma is that when I get pregnant and tell her about it, if she says anything about an abortion or anything like that, that I will cut her out of my life. Every time I speak to her I get upset. If by some miracle she accepts me being pregnant (when I get pregnant) I don't know if I can let my child see their grandmother knowing she didn't even want me to have them in the first place. Am I being unreasonable for considering not talking to her again?

I first read this thread being supportive (to an extent) to the OP. I now think she is in no way ready to bring a child into the world, it scares me that there are young women out there with no money etc yet think that having a baby will cure all. I think your mother is right (not to the the extent of an abortion clinic at all), but you are not ready for a child. A lot of viewers of this post who haven't commented, think the same thing.

Thank you leopardgecko.

Glad you agree.

I am not sure you are in the best position to be bringing a child into the world.

I am also sure that you will go ahead and do it anyway.

I feel sorry for everyone involved, especially your mum.

OP, you must be feeling pretty upset at these posts. People you don't even know, telling you you're not ready for a baby, on the basis of a few things you've said on an internet forum. They don't know YOU, or your situation. But... your mum does. We're all agreeing with her and that's got to hurt.

It's not because no-one wants you to never have a baby. Mumsnet can be a difficult place if you're told something you don't want to hear, but that's what makes it so great. You are getting genuine support here - yes, support, even though we're not telling you what you want to hear. Babies are only babies for such a short time, but the responsibility lasts forever. That's why your mum is being so interfering (although, I admit it does sound like she could go about it in a better way) because she loves you and doesn't want you to struggle.

I think your mother sounds frankly horrible, OP.

But I do share all the reservations that people have about you having a baby while you have not dealt with your depression and have no income. The benefit bashing stuff happening the UK does not show any sign of letting up, in fact some people would happily see the return of workhouses. And a child is forever. I still have a 31-year-old dd living at home, so I should know.

I also think that you should have worked out your boundaries with your mother before getting pregnant. and as anti-depressants do need to be accompanied by therapy, get going on your therapy.

If you're going to be dependent on benefits to pay to raise your child thats pretty selfish. It really annoys me when people have kids they cannot afford and its the taxpayers footing the bill for them. You should save first til you're comfortable financially THEN have children. Your mum has a point that getting pregnant now would be irresponsible.

I'm going to focus on your question.

YANBU to change your relationship with your mother.

But going from telling her everything and letting her take charge of you, to going no contact sounds like going from 0-60 without anything in between. M

As many other posters have written, why are you telling her all this stuff? You need to act like an independent adult. You seem to be ignoring your own ability to change your behaviour, and instead you're expecting your mum to do the changing, without much of a reason for her to do this?

You can only change your own behaviour, and if you aren't capable of doing that at the moment, to move beyond the current mother-wayward teen dynamic, then you could work on that in counselling. Work on yourself so when you do become a mom, you can be the best mummy ever to your child.

Good luck.

While you are taking money from your mother she will continue to think she has a right to interfere in your life. Stop taking the money. And tell her to butt out. If she's offended, fine. She'll leave you alone.

Your mother shouldn't talk to you like she does. She is (rightfully) concerned but she shouldn't express it like that.

It was hard for me even having my oldest at 24, though, I'll tell you that. And I was married and DH had a decent job.

I know 24 isn't that young of course but it was an unexpected pregnancy and I just wasn't ready. And I'd worked in a nursery and as a nanny too. Honestly I did much better during the babyhood of my smaller two, born when I was 31 and 33.

I think it's fine to want a baby and you sound like you would be a loving and caring mum, which is important :) However if you think of your future baby, maybe think of it having the best possible start in life. What would give it that? Get married first. Find some financial stability that isn't benefits (because honestly benefits aren't stable; it depends on what politicians are in office IMO). It doesn't mean you shouldn't have a baby ever but if you wait awhile and really get things in place, you can think of it as the first loving motherly act you're doing for your child.

Best of luck.

YWBU to cut off your mother in my opinion. She sounds rude and overbearing but you haven't yet grown out of being a child, so I can see why she still feels she can interfere and seek to control you.

I don't object to young parents in principle. My own parents were in their very early 20s when they had me. They were however married, entirely independent of their own parents, in work and in good physical and mental health. Like lots of the other posters, your posts here cause me concern about your plan to have a child. You are vulnerable by being unmarried, not having a reliable income (and benefits is never likely to be reliable), having a low income, having poor mental health and poor family support. Please take the time to look after yourself and become more independent before bringing a baby into the mix.

I don't for a minute think that people with disabilities shouldn't have children, but having a baby is more physically and emotionally demanding than many jobs. Loving them doesn't in itself make it easy.

Your mum is going about things in the wrong way but a baby would be a bad idea for you.
Likely you'd be more depressed and struggle to get off benefits. Babies and children are difficult in ways you can't even imagine till you have one.

It must be hard to have a mum so overbearing like that, I've no doubt she has your best interest at heart but just expresses it badly and has a funny way of showing it.

Can I ask why the rush for a baby? You say you are engaged, do you not have plans to get married? Obviously there is nothing wrong with having a baby out of wedlock but if you are already engaged you then need to think about getting married/honeymoon with a bump/baby/small child.

I couldn't wait to have a baby, I was so excited. The reality of it is it's bloody hard, it breaks down even stable relationships, there's the overwhelming sense of responsibility, sleep deprivation, constant worry etc etc. I don't have a history of mental health issues but I really really struggled with it all. Don't get me wrong, it's nothing that anyone would regret, and I think having DC is the most rewarding thing that can be achieved, but it's not all smiley cooing babies. It's also a huge stretch financially, although you can plan ahead and buy things second hand to make it less expensive.

I'm sorry you have these issues with your mum, she should be there to support you in all your decisions and offer (tactful) advice when needed.

Ok yes to answer your question you are being unreasonable to consider not talking to her again.

I imagine she's despairing at the thought of you having a child, struggling to cope, and her having to step in. In her own - albeit blunt - way, she's giving you a massive heads-up - having a baby is hard and you already have plenty on your plate to be going on with.

Sorry but I agree with the other posters.

You sound very young, immature and not mentally ready to have a child. You are also on benefits and so financially you can't support yourself independently plus you still get pocket money from your mum.

No wonder she doesn't take you seriously and is OTT with her opinion on your life - it's probably out of concern as to what would happen to the child if you couldn't look after it.

Remember she has had much more life experience than you and knows how hard raising a child can be.

Grow up, get a job, stop taking hand outs, stop claiming benefits, sort out your MH and THEN have a child

Bunny,
Seeing as you have depression, come over to the Mental Health pages. People there can't cure your mother, but there are many who know the complications of depression together with pregnancy and motherhood. You are also unlikely to get judgemental comments because all of us are cracked in some way.

I keep reading people's comments in disbelief. Read the original post, read what crazy inappropriate nonsense her mum has been saying her her. How on earth people are sympathising with the mother I have no idea. She's the mother, she created this enmeshed, controlling relationship. Her mum should have created boundaries and nurtured her independence when her daughter was a child. Now the poor OP is an adult and is trying to build her own life with her fiancée and she's left to fix this mess. No surprise she has depression at the moment. You all calling her childish and incapable of motherhood is just adding to the emotional abuse she is suffering.
Also, the OP is 20, in a stable relationship and her husband-to-be is working! People are making out they are scrounging teenagers on benefits.

YABU to plan to have a baby when you're not in a position to financially support them. Why wouldn't you finish uni first? And get yourself into an even keel MH wise?

If you've already suffered from depression then you are at a greater risk for PND. I had it after having DD. It's HARD. I'm pregnant with DC2 and I'm very concerned about it happening again. I'm being careful to look after my MH and we waited for DC2 until we had moved house, I was settled in a new job (been in it for over a year), older child was ready for a sibling etc. I'm 35 and I could hear the clock ticking, but I'll be a better mother for making sure I'm mentally in the right place for another baby, and so would you be.

Atenco my friend got it when she went to the job centre we the tax payer are not paying for your children. The woman was down on her luck and then she had to absorb that. The government are tightening the screws even more. My partner is a gas engineer he services housing association places. People out there are going crazy they don't how they are going to survive. Next year April housing association places will go to full market rent. All people can do is warn you its up to you if want to take that advice. I'm not telling you not to have a baby its up to you. People are fucked because they haven't planned and the government has warned them. Your only 20 you have plenty of time whats the rush.

Redjumper she sounds like she has all the right qualities to be a mother. I am not saying she won't be. To have a baby while depressed is not a good idea you want your baby to have a good start. She may get PND on top of her depression. She posted the reason behind her getting benefits is because of MH issues. I understand you feel sorry for her and it is sad a young woman is going through that. If you was in her shoes what would you do?

Her issues will affect her child I know I have suffered severe depression and it does affect them. I ask again what would you do?

I suspect your mum has your best interests at heart, but she's not going about things in a very nice way.

You clearly love babies & children, but I agree with PP that you don't seem mature yet enough to cope with being a parent. No-one is trying to be unkind to you here.

It would be so much better for you & your future little family to finish your studies & become more financially secure first.

Yes, I think you would be unreasonable to cut off her support, especially if you are going to have a baby.

It sounds like she's going about it very badly but underneath, do you think she really means it? You know her best. Only you can answer if you think she's been spiteful or just concerned and communicating it badly. The fact that she's gives you money each month suggests that there is something there.

I'd be concerned about my daughter with mental health problems. If I was someone who didn't understand MH, I might not cope with it very well and end up like her. As it happens, I do understand but I know people who don't. Please don't lose your relationship with your mum if you think it can be repaired. Texting her is silly. You need to have a conversation face-to-face and let her know how you feel. Show her you are mature and don't sulk like a teenager because then you feed into her idea that you are a child because you behave like one. Be the adult that you are.

Best of luck and I really hope you can and your mum can sit down and have an honest heart to heart. If you think things are going to get emotive, perhaps have a neutral person to keep the peace.

Also, the OP is 20, in a stable relationship and her husband-to-be is working! People are making out they are scrounging teenagers on benefits

Yes husband to be. Not husband. The OP won't say where she lives or who with.

She has zero financial protection if she spills with her boyfriend. She is a a vulnerable position and trying to get herself into an even more vulnerable one.

Many mums with young children either don't work or work part time, they are reliant on their partner's income and things like child benefit. This has been the norm for decades. They are financially vulnerable too should the relationship breakdown. She's not that unusual.
I'm not surprised the OP isn't giving any further information with the barrage of unkind comments she is facing.

Yes many women are in that position and many women get screwed over from it. Especially if they aren't married. Given how vulnerable she is now, what happens if she gets abandoned by her dp.

As everyone keeps saying, this isn't just age and income related. It's the while situation.

YANBU for wanting things to improve between you and your mum.

That is it.

YABU 1) For wanting to bring a baby into the world without anything other than other people and disability benefit to support you 2) For focusing on everyone else's issues rather than doing what you can to overcome your depression. It won't just disappear itself btw 3) For assuming your parents can be picked up and dropped just because you don't like something they say. They can't and they certainly won't be around forever 4) For not just wanting to but actively trying to bring a child into this situation.

So... suggest you focus on getting better, getting a job and liking yourself a little more first.