To stop talking to my mum?

[Bunnyc]

I know this is a bit silly, but I need some advice. My fiancée and I are trying to conceive, but we aren't telling parents as we are young and they will disapprove, especially mine. My fiancées parents will take it a lot better than mine will. Every time I speak to my mum on the phone she asks if I'm using protection and yesterday she kept going on about it, saying "we don't want to get pregnant now do we", as if this is her decision as well. She always says if I do get pregnant she will "March me down to the abortion clinic", which isn't her choice either. She's also quite rude, whenever she sees me she tells me I've put on weight and constantly asks what I've been eating. She calls me hopeless a lot, not realising how hurtful it is. I feel as though I cannot tell her a lot of things I'm going through as she either says something hurtful or doesn't care. I suffer from depression and quite a few times she has told me "you're not really depressed". I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and she doesn't even believe that. I feel like she has no right to tell me to use condoms, I live with my fiancée and haven't lived at home for a while. I told her I had come off the depo and said I was going on the pill (which I'm not as we're trying for a baby), and she keeps asking if I've gone to the doctors yet, telling me I need to go on the pill NOW. I'm sick of the way she talks to me and tries to control me. My dilemma is that when I get pregnant and tell her about it, if she says anything about an abortion or anything like that, that I will cut her out of my life. Every time I speak to her I get upset. If by some miracle she accepts me being pregnant (when I get pregnant) I don't know if I can let my child see their grandmother knowing she didn't even want me to have them in the first place. Am I being unreasonable for considering not talking to her again?

Just to add. I also agree with mother. Mum aside, I am puzzled why two very very young people are prioritising having a baby when the mum is on benefits and the would be dad, although OP said 'has a regular income' not sure what this means? Is that from a job? . But I think that horse has already bolted in a way since OP now lives with her partner, therefore DM needs to take a backseat.

OP, I don't know if you should stop speaking to your Mum, but you seriously need to put better boundaries in place! (Although going NC is one way to do that.)

Good for you for that text. If you she asks you if you've stopped sulking, just say "I don't know what you're talking about." You need to start treating her like you expect adult respect from her, and act honestly mystified when it doesn't appear. Don't engage in hysterics, just say something bland like "Sorry you feel that way." or "Well, that's my opinion." or whatever.

It does sound the counseling would help you, with your depression and with dealing with your mother. It shouldn't matter if she 'believes' you're depressed.

I have massively controlling parents (who can't seem to remember about my long-term illness), and I'm afraid it hasn't gotten any better, but was has gotten better is that I no longer live my life in any way in relation to them. Sometimes I end up doing what they want, sometimes I don't, and I make the decision independent of their considerations. It sounds like you're very caught up in what your mother would think, and that can make it very difficult to figure out what you want. I did in fact go NC at a similar age to what you are now, for about a year or so, and then very low contact for a few years more, and that really helped me be more grounded in myself. But if you do that, I highly recommend you have some support, like from a counseller, to deal with the inevitable emotional fall-out and attempts at blackmail.

How far on are your plans for your wedding? Why not concentrate on that for now as well as becoming independent from your parents a bit.

Though I agree with a PP, if you were my daughter I would hope you'd wait a bit before starting a family - only because having children will have a massive impact on your life (understatement) and if you are already on full dose anti-depressants, then that'll be extra tough for you.

Qualifications are not everything. Happiness is worth far more and you can be happy without them.
My son is 18 he has dropped college..he just doesn't do classrooms it's not for him..he now works full time in a shop and is working up the ladder there. You have to do what makes you happy. I wasn't thrilled at him leaving college but it is his choice and as long as he pays his way and is happy thats all that matters to me.

Please stop taking the money. Stop discussing your fertility. If she starts the discussion don't reply or just thanks mum nice weather isnt it, by the way have I told you about something I did/ read/ heard et cetera. Just keep talking about something else. Do NOT get sucked into a discussion. Do not tell her you are pregnant until you are 14 weeks. Tell her with other people (inlaws?) present.

It really is none of her business, don't give her any opportunities to make it her business.

Good luck, I hope you will get your wish granted.

You are young, depressed and on benefits with a history of self harming and you want to have a baby without first attempting to resolve those issues? How would you advise a friend in that position?

You have many more years available for making babies, and as you are making an active choice perhaps you should choose YOU first, try and start supporting yourself both emotionally and financially before taking on parenthood which is a massive undertaking and whilst incredible is something you could do in the future, what is the rush?

It sounds like your mum has her own issues and is clearly a bit judgey and tactless, however it does sound like in a ham-fisted way she is probably trying to suggest that you get yourself in a better place emotionally and better position financially before you embark on becoming a parent?

Worth having a conversation with her about how her criticism makes you feel, good luck & please think about all of the different advice on this thread. Also sorry for your loss .

golfbuggy, she has a qualification, in early childhood studies, and has worked in a nursery. That is a perfectly valid career for her to go back to after having a DC, isn't it?

You're not prepared for it, nobody ever is. You think you are but rest assured the reality of a baby is like nothing you have imagined. Your mum has the benefit of knowing you and knowing what having a baby is really like. Your mum already knows what you're planning, that's why she's so insistent that you use contraception. She wants what's best for you and a baby born to very young parents on benefits with mh issues is not it. A baby won't magic your life better it will put huge huge pressure on you, your partner, your families and your relationships with each other. It is however your choice. Stopping speaking to your mother because she wants you to be sensible is very childish.

kitsa the OP has said she doesn't want to do that.

OP - can I ask why you want a baby? Serious question.

Kitsa genuinely wondering, if OP goes back to working in her current field after ML, who will take care of her baby? Last time I spoke to nursery staff they paid very little, certainly not enough to pay a childminder and if she stops speaking with her mum.....what would happen then?

Boundaries, I want a baby because I am in love with children. Whenever I see them they make me smile and whenever I see a pregnant woman I feel completely jealous. It might be stupid to some people but I feel kind of empty, I long to give birth and knowing I've had miscarriage broke my heart, I cried for a long time.

Your mother sounds awful, but you might actually be as daft as a brush if you're really trying to conceive without marriage or any kind of security for your child. And without finishing your studies - do you think that will be easy when you have a baby? I did my degree as a lone parent - its no joke. Who will pick up the pieces when it all goes tits up? How many women on MN are having to go back to mum because some 'DP' has decided daddying is not for him?

Put your sensible head on and think this through. Forget the man, there isn't one on earth who is genuinely reliable - some put on a good show but ultimately, you can only really rely on yourself. The woman you are now, can she face raising a child alone? Can she provide, even at a basic level? I can promise you that if you can't care properly for your child, the child will mention that, perhaps more than once or twice, when they become adult (been there, as both child and parent) and you won't get away with it.

From what you say, you have a lot of issues to deal with. Start on that right away and put yourself in a really strong position before you start parenting.
I wish you well. Good luck.

It doesn't sound stupid.

Do you want to be the best mum you can be? Give your child the best life?

It's really hard to tell whether your mother is being overbearing, over protective or a mixture of both.
No university isn't for everyone and not having a degree doesn't mean you won't have a perfectly nice life.
You are 20, engaged, struggling with depression and relying on benefits and your fiance's mixed income. Why not wait a year or two? Why the rush? Plan your wedding. Be a couple and live a little.

Why are you taking £30 per month from your mother? Why is she giving you that? That is not normal for an adult living independently.

You are an adult and this is your business, however, alarm bells are ringing for me here. You don't seem to be in the right place to have a baby. A baby won't solve the problems that you have and I'm concerned for your well-being.

I haven't RTFT but can is ask is the £30 your mum gives you some of your disability benefit (I presumed given your depression). If that is the case then that is financial abuse unless she has some extremely good reason that this should be going to her and not you.

I think your mum is saying the right things in the wrong way. Listen to her message - she loves you and knows what lies ahead if it all goes wrong (and there is a strong probability of difficulties ahead for you if you do have a baby right now, from what you have said here). Take your time.

If you were my daughter I would agree with your mum but perhaps present in a slightly different way.

First off stop discussing things like birth control with her and second stop taking the £30 a month. Why is that even for?

When do you plan to get married?

If I was your mum I would be worried too. You sound like a little girl who wants a dolly to love sorry to be harsh. I think you think having a child will make you happy but in order for that to happen you need to be stable.Babies are the quickest way to feel down believe me they are very hard work and can be draining. Why don't you show you are a grown up and deal with your depression (ask GP for counselling or talking therapy to support tablets) perhaps get a job and stop taking money from your parents. Why does your mum even give you pocket money anyway when you have moved out? I agree with PP your mum is saying the right things but in the wrong way. She is just worried you are going to make a mistake.

You are not going to like this but I agree with your mum. When I was your age I was absolutely desperate for a baby, I used to cry myself to sleep because I couldn't foresee a time when I would have enough financial security to justify having a child. Just seeing a pregnant woman or sitting next to a baby on the bus would bring tears to my eyes. My colleagues thought I disliked babies because I would avoid them but in fact I just eaten up with jealousy that other people had what I didn't.

But I had my sensible hat on even then. I was not going to have a baby until I was 100% confident I could care for it and support it in the best way possible and for me that meant working hard, getting qualified, being in a secure, stable relationship, with a secure home. It was about what would be best for my future child in the long term, not what would fulfil me in the short term.

Of course you are an adult and can please yourself, but I understand your mum's concern. You sound very young and impulsive and not very clear about the reality of having and raising children. Babyhood is a tiny, tiny fraction of the responsibility you are taking on.

If you really don't want to hear what your mum is saying about contraception, stop discussing it with her. I have never discussed my c0ntraception arrangements with my mum!

Tell her to mind her own business.

I don't understand why people decide to get married & then decide to have a baby first.

Have you thought about going back to college having a baby is one thing you need to be financially secure. If you are on benefits your environment is not settled yet. Children costs money.

Ignore my last comment I don't get on with my mum my judgement is clouded anyway. If you were my dd I would be upset to because you have no plan and its not as easy as what you think it is.

As per PPs, if you were my daughter I would have genuine concerns for you right now. Compounded by fact that not all is clear IYWKIM?

IE When you refer to DP's 'income', does that mean he is in a job/on a career path that will support you all or is he also reliant on benefits; and do you live together independently or with his parents?

Will post again when have >time and when the above a bit clearer, but on the face of it I do think you need to focus on your own needs being sorted first