To stop talking to my mum?

[Bunnyc]

I know this is a bit silly, but I need some advice. My fiancée and I are trying to conceive, but we aren't telling parents as we are young and they will disapprove, especially mine. My fiancées parents will take it a lot better than mine will. Every time I speak to my mum on the phone she asks if I'm using protection and yesterday she kept going on about it, saying "we don't want to get pregnant now do we", as if this is her decision as well. She always says if I do get pregnant she will "March me down to the abortion clinic", which isn't her choice either. She's also quite rude, whenever she sees me she tells me I've put on weight and constantly asks what I've been eating. She calls me hopeless a lot, not realising how hurtful it is. I feel as though I cannot tell her a lot of things I'm going through as she either says something hurtful or doesn't care. I suffer from depression and quite a few times she has told me "you're not really depressed". I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and she doesn't even believe that. I feel like she has no right to tell me to use condoms, I live with my fiancée and haven't lived at home for a while. I told her I had come off the depo and said I was going on the pill (which I'm not as we're trying for a baby), and she keeps asking if I've gone to the doctors yet, telling me I need to go on the pill NOW. I'm sick of the way she talks to me and tries to control me. My dilemma is that when I get pregnant and tell her about it, if she says anything about an abortion or anything like that, that I will cut her out of my life. Every time I speak to her I get upset. If by some miracle she accepts me being pregnant (when I get pregnant) I don't know if I can let my child see their grandmother knowing she didn't even want me to have them in the first place. Am I being unreasonable for considering not talking to her again?

Is there a reason you are on benefits? Could you get a job for a year, qualify for maternity leave and then have a baby?

It sounds to me like you think a baby will make you happy. Chances are you will still struggle with your mental health, and you will have to look after a baby too. There is no time off, ever. If you aren't fit to work, I do worry whether you are well enough to have a child right now.

I had my first at 21..without any parental support from my mother. Or any help.from family. My partner supported us until I could go.back to work..I. got help.with childcare through tax credits...which most people unless they earn an awful lot which in reality rarely happens..will get. I was more than capable of taking care of a child..I never married and never will. I now have 4 children ranging from 10-18...there great kids. It can be done and I doubt what anyone says would change OP mind..her mother is being very over bearing and is not helpful..probably making her mental health problems worse in the way she is coming across to her daughter.

OP, when I had a baby it almost destroyed what good mental health I had - severe PND with a colicky non-sleeping, constantly screaming baby.

If you're not able to work due to mental health problems, I really think you are not in a good place to have a child.

I think she has a point.

You're not working, you're on benefits and have poor mental health which seems to be getting worse given you're on the highest dose of medication, it's probably not the best time to be bringing a baby into the mix.

I feel kind of empty

Depression does that to you. Having a baby is not the answer or solution to that.
You haven't actually thought this through, just the bits that support your decision.

Why you don't want to learn how to take care of yourself first is strange to me.

If you don't feel she's supporting you then don't tell her things. Your mum has said some horrible things and does sound quite controlling. What do you say when she says she'll 'drag you down the abortion clinic'? It sounds like you need to stick up for yourself a bit more. You're right in that the interfering will get 10x worse when you have a baby.

Although I agree with PPs, if you're depressed you may find having a baby very hard. I know I would. What would be the plan after the baby, do you have any childcare options? Do you just want one child?

Hey OP, your mum sounds like a piece of work and really rather nasty.

That said, you really don't sounds like you're in the best place to have a baby just yet. She's trying to tell you this, albeit in a really horrible way.

YANBU to stop talking to her for a number of reasons, but I think you need to find some more mature support.

Please get some help,for your mental health issues before you have a baby. Babies are seriously cute but incredibly hard work and they are your responsibility for years. Saying you are in love with babies is lovely but not realistic.

I think your mother is genuinely concerned for you though not necessarily expressing this in a loving motherly way!
Having a baby is tough; you need to be in the best place possible for your MH, your relationship & financially.

I am not sure you are.

Your Mum sounds awful. However, she may have genuine concerns.

You need to start standing up for yourself. Try these phrased in a mirror:
Thats private
I dont wish to discuss it with you
Thats your opinion and youre welcome to it, but i dont share your view.
That is not your decision to make.
That is none of your business.

As some of the other posters have suggested it would be a really good idea to get some stability in your lives before bringing a child into it. Please understand that no one is saying you must never have a child, we are just saying not right now. You could set yourself a goal. In 2 years we will be ready to ttc.

Are you getting any talking therapy for your depression? I suspect that as your mother says youre not depressed, but are having a normal reaction to being belittled, mocked and chastised by someone who is supposed to care for you. When do you feel most depressed? Is it after you have seen or spoken to your mum? Have you kept a mood diary? That can really help identify triggers.

Are you looking for work? I bet once you start work your confidence will rocket, and then you will feel able to tackle other obstacles.

Is there anyone else in real life who would support you? An older neighbour, your MIL?

Can you go to counselling?

If you could get help with your depression it would better prepare you for having a baby, which working with children and your qualifications won't have done, sadly. And if you could reduce your medication that would have a huge benefit.

Have a life for a couple of years with your fiance before you think of having a baby.

I'm afraid I'm with your mum. But you won't listen to her or those of us who agree with her, because that's not what you want to hear.

leopardgecko I'm pleased it has all worked out for your daughter. However, her circumstances and those of the OP aren't remotely the same. So why have you told her to 'Go for it.'?

Leopard This isn't a thread about stealth boasting about your own child (although I'm glad it worked out for them and their child is in an emotionally and financially secure environment, ditto that your child has been able to commence a career of her own); it's a thread about a very young woman who is clearly vulnerable in so many ways.

Telling a depressed, self-harming 19 year old in a fractious family - who clearly needs her own needs met before she can meet those of a newborn/toddler/child - to 'go for it' seems both desperately reductive of the reality she will face and pretty irresponsible.

OP Please recognise that the 'empty' feeling you describe is one that all of us who have been through depression really do identify with But it is NOT one that having a baby will somehow miraculously fill, quite the reverse IME (& I've had 3 of them!) - babies test your mental health and resilience to the absolute max.

I think your realisation that you would like counselling is a really positive one and I'd urge you to wait until you are in a better place (not even 'just' in the MH dept, but also stability wise and financially) before you TTC.

You have so much time on your side here, please don't lose sight of that

I want a baby because I am in love with children. Whenever I see them they make me smile and whenever I see a pregnant woman I feel completely jealous.

What age children? They're not so cute at 7 or 8 when they're testing their boundaries, or at 9 or 10 when they think they're teenagers. And as for teenagers...

I'm not trying to be patronising; if you've worked with children you know they're not always easy, but working with and having them at home are very different things.

Are you both ready for the responsibility? And one you can't walk away from at the end of the day?

And well put, LadyStoic

To be honest, you're a young couple both with issues, both living on benefits. You sound a little immature, having a baby isn't a good idea to fill this empty void in your life. Your mum knows you better then random people on mn and she seems seriously concerned about the idea of you having a baby. To be honest, reading between the lines, I think you would probably struggle with the responsibility of a puppy, never mind a baby.

Leopard This isn't a thread about stealth boasting about your own child (although I'm glad it worked out for them and their child is in an emotionally and financially secure environment, ditto that your child has been able to commence a career of her own); it's a thread about a very young woman who is clearly vulnerable in so many ways.

I apologise LadyStoic and have asked for my post to be removed so others cannot see it. AlthoughI promise you my words were not meant to be a sealth boast at all, although I can totally see why you think that. I am sorry once again and I was totally wrong to write what I did.

leopardgecko I'm pleased it has all worked out for your daughter. However, her circumstances and those of the OP aren't remotely the same. So why have you told her to 'Go for it.'?

I apologise Nanny I should not have written what I did, and encouraged the OP. You are correct the circumstances are different. I have 3 boys of my own with autism/learning difficulties so my daughter also had huge obstacles to climb. I suppose I also wrote because as a foster carer of young adults in awful circumstances, I have often come across a pregnancy/baby turn out to be a very positive thing for them. I suppose that isn't the case most of the time, but I have personally come across the baby being the catalyst they needed to get their life on track. Although reading everyone's posts here I realise that I am wrong and it is not usually the case.

Jeez..... babies aren't little dolls, nor or they objects to meet the emotional needs of an unstable parent. If you want something to make you feel better inside and happy, go on bloody holiday!
Get mh support to lower the meds, get a job, save up and live a bit. Just how do you expect to pay for a baby on a seemingly flaky income and benefits?
If you really want a child (not a cute squashy babydoll) then you should be stable and responsible for it for it in all ways; not reliant on others to pay for it, nor to deal with the fallout when you crash mentally because its not all its cracked up to be or like a friend says it is....

You are not ready to have a child OP. Sorry.

I think you sound quite immature. This coupled with your MH issues and no job I can well understand why your mother is worried about a possible pregnancy. She probably thinks she'll have to pick up the pieces which imo sounds a distinct possibility.

OP having a baby will test your mental health to it's limits. Once you have a child you have to put that child first for AT LEAST the next 18 years and often for far longer than that. You sound like you are in love with the idea of a baby but the reality is so so different, as others have said, deal with your mental health, your relationship with your mother and your finances.

It sounds like you have a lot of issues and you think a baby will fill a gap in your life and solve all your problems.
Maybe your Mum isn't expressing herself in a very pleasant way but I think she does have a point