To stop talking to my mum?

[Bunnyc]

I know this is a bit silly, but I need some advice. My fiancée and I are trying to conceive, but we aren't telling parents as we are young and they will disapprove, especially mine. My fiancées parents will take it a lot better than mine will. Every time I speak to my mum on the phone she asks if I'm using protection and yesterday she kept going on about it, saying "we don't want to get pregnant now do we", as if this is her decision as well. She always says if I do get pregnant she will "March me down to the abortion clinic", which isn't her choice either. She's also quite rude, whenever she sees me she tells me I've put on weight and constantly asks what I've been eating. She calls me hopeless a lot, not realising how hurtful it is. I feel as though I cannot tell her a lot of things I'm going through as she either says something hurtful or doesn't care. I suffer from depression and quite a few times she has told me "you're not really depressed". I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and she doesn't even believe that. I feel like she has no right to tell me to use condoms, I live with my fiancée and haven't lived at home for a while. I told her I had come off the depo and said I was going on the pill (which I'm not as we're trying for a baby), and she keeps asking if I've gone to the doctors yet, telling me I need to go on the pill NOW. I'm sick of the way she talks to me and tries to control me. My dilemma is that when I get pregnant and tell her about it, if she says anything about an abortion or anything like that, that I will cut her out of my life. Every time I speak to her I get upset. If by some miracle she accepts me being pregnant (when I get pregnant) I don't know if I can let my child see their grandmother knowing she didn't even want me to have them in the first place. Am I being unreasonable for considering not talking to her again?

Your mum sounds awful - but you sound very enmeshed with her, which is common with only children (I know, I am one!)

At 20 you will get a lot out of counselling and there are usually services specifically for young adults so you can have longer term counselling than the usual 6-8 weeks you get for other issues - generally with organizations like Young Minds or the YMCA, it varies from area to area who provides them. You would get a huge amount out of this - I had counselling a bit older than your ages to sort out similar issues with my mother and it set me up for life.

So please find out if there is any counselling around and go for it. As an only child, you actually hold all the cards with your mother - she loves you, wants you to do well and definitely wants to keep in touch, she's just lost sight of the fact you are separate person to her and an adult one at that. So it's totally possible to change this relationship and move your mother on to seeing you as a grown up but I think you will need help and support, not just the anti-depressants, to do it.

I don't agree with how your mum is going about it. But I agree with what she is saying.

I am sorry but you don't sound ready to have a child. You sound a bit lost and as though you think a baby will fill that hole.

Am I being unreasonable for considering not talking to her again?
That is the question I asked. I never asked whether I should have a baby or not. You all sound just like my mother. And some of you are cruel and bullies. I can't look after a puppy? I have a dog and two rabbits, just a classic example of people assuming things when they don't know anything. When I ask a question, I don't expect people to start insulting me, I thought this was a place for support. Sorry but if I was your kids I would hate you as a parent. Most of you sound like terrible people. I'm just assuming like you all did.

Agree you would not be unreasonable to go no contact with your mum. She sounds overly controlling.

However, please do listen to what the others are saying even if it's not what you want to hear. Please don't rush into having a baby. It's very hard, and not just financially. If you're depressed it may may make things. worse. Look after yourself first.

Bunny I think the posters on here are just trying to help you understand where your mum is coming from.

It does come across like you haven't thought through the implications of having a baby properly, and although your mum isn't going the best way about it, and clearly there are other issues there too, most of the posters on here are just trying help you see her side.

MN isn't the place to come if you want a whole load of people to agree with you, people use their life experiences to try and help posters, and it isn't always what you want to hear.

I think you should reread the thread and maybe try and get some counselling irl before you end up knee deep in a situation you can't control anymore. I get the empty feeling and obsession with having a baby, believe me I really do, but you're not in a good place right now and your mum can see that.

Stop talking to her if you want to, but that won't change your circumstances.

Mumsnet is however, the place to come if you want to hear the real story about being a mum! And what all of us are saying is that it can be exceedingly difficult- even with money and with robust mental health.

OP, I am so sorry you have not found the support you were looking for and so sorry some of the replies were harsher than you would like and feel insulted. Please remember though YOU are an adult and it does not matter what strangers on an internet forum post, and to a certain degree your mum's views are also secondary to your own. Only you and your partner can really decide.

From my own experience I have worked with many young people, who although younger than yourself, have made excellent parents. I have also known that becoming pregnant can be the catalyst to great positive changes for all. Of course the opposite can also be true. And I wish you much luck and happiness whatever you decide and hope you find the support you so need.

Ok, OP, in that case YABU in considering not talking to her because she sounds like she has more common sense than you do on this issue and knows herself how difficult raising a child can be.

You sound far too childish to be thinking about having a child yourself. You and your mum seem to be stuck in a relationship with the dynamics of a mother with a young teenager who stubbornly refuses to see when someone actually has their best interests at heart. You refuse to answer questions about where your family income will come from, what your living situation is etc, presumably because you know it's further evidence that you and your DP are not in an ideal position to bring up a child.

I think your life needs focus, but not a baby. Have a little self respect and focus on getting a job to support yourself and any future children. I always find it incredibly sad to hear of young women whose sole ambition is to have a baby. There is so much more to life.

I've not read the full thread, I admit, but I just thought I'd offer my thoughts.

You do sound very young, even for 20, but then so was I. I was diagnosed at 14 with clinical depression and have battled it since. I was 18 when I had my miscarriage and 20 when my eldest dd was born. At 21 I had my DS who has Down syndrome and a rare bladder disorder. A one in 3 million child according to the docs, whose double incontinence even now leaves them unsure of his future comfort and continence. Three major ops, several explorations, monthly trips to GOSH, many hospital trips for breathing troubles later and he's almost 7. I have a second DD too. I have had postnatal depression twice, antenatal twice, the last time in May was so severe that I terminated my pregnancy at almost ten weeks. All linked to my original depression.

I was young too, and unprepared for parenthood. I adapted. I was lucky. Do you feel you could adapt at this moment? Do you feel you could cope with any issues that arise? Whether you could or not is for you to decide, but essentially I WAS you at almost the same age and I know the difficulties. The pressure was overwhelming and counselling really helped me overcome everything and get perspective.

Again I cannot say if you would be unreasonable to cut your mother out of your/your child's life, only you can decide that. You are an adult and you have the power to make your own decisions. It took me a long time to feel 'powerful' enough to decide my own life, and I wish someone had reminded me that I have power when I was younger. I wish you every happiness as you go forward.

Please don't take offence to what I am about to say but you can't compare a child to an animal who eats, shits and pisses. Children are harder to bring up honestly. I was a young mum when I had my first child I do understand. If you think mn is judgmental wait until you enter the services and you're on benefits. A friend of mine went to the JC and the advisor told her that the tax payer don't want to pay for her children. She got her benefits but its how people look at you and talk to you there's a lack of respect.

You could study to be a nursery assistant and then after a year you are eligible for maternity money. PP have given you good suggestions which route do you want to take.

always find it incredibly sad to hear of young women whose sole ambition is to have a baby

The government is making it harder for people to scrounge now. Having a baby does not make you financially better of its the opposite.

Well I read your original post and thought OMG! What your Mum is saying is incredibly offensive! How can a mother say to their 20 year old daughter who is engaged to be married that they'll 'March you down to the abortion clinic' Wtaf!!!
You're getting married, what would anyone expect other than for you to start a family when you feel ready.
And I agree with you, a lot of the people commenting do sound like your mum too! I'm sorry but having a baby isn't reserved for people in their mid 30s!

This is all very familiar
Have you posted about this before?

redjumper no one has said it's about her age. She has significant mental health difficulties and no income.

redjumper I had my first child at 20. Age isn't anything to do with it.

Op, as pp said, people are trying to get you to understand where she is coming from.

You don't want people to give their point of view. That's fine, but don't ask for it.

It sounds like you don't want to listen to any advice about the pregnancy, just your relationship with your mum. So:

Stop taking any money off her. Now.
Show her that you can stand on your own two feet by making a decision about your study and sticking with it.
Take concrete steps towards going back to your job in a nursery.
Stop talking to her about intimate details of your life.
Get referred for talking therapy (from a psychotherapist - not IAPT or CBT) by your GP.

Eek. I think your Mum is brusque to say the least... but I'm saying this as someone also in their early twenties... you don't sound ready to have a child and although your Mum is harsh she may have a point. You are quite reliant on her, on benefits, you have mh health problems (as do I, so no judgement) and for twenty you do seem quite young.

There is no rush. If you want to be the best Mum you can be, please wait until you are financially better off and more stable. A baby is not the solution to all your problems. I know you didn't ask, you asked what to do about your Mum - but my answer is wait, like she's saying. With regards to all the other vile stuff about your weight and her passive aggression, repeat "this is personal and I don't want to discuss it."

If your mum is making you more ill then my suggestion would be to have a break. You can't cut her out of your life. Take a break from her until you have worked out your issues and you are getting the right support. Then when you have your baby you can access those same services. I think in an ideal world you would have job first while trying to conceive. You can't scoff at money babies are not cheap.

Whilst I agree with your mothers sentiment, I think she has gone about it in the wrong way.

It seems like your mother sees you as perhaps quite vulnerable both emotionally and financially. With all due respect it seems you are struggling emotionally as it is and she will know from experience just how testing having a baby is on even the most stable women. You're her only child and it's quite normal to want your children to have a good quality of life, something which will be difficult (not impossible) with no financial security or qualifications to fall back on.

When I was in my 2nd year of uni (aged 22) I suddenly had this overwhelming urge to have a baby, it blindsided me out of nowhere. In hindsight, that's when life got tough for me and in my eyes a baby was a way to escape all that pressure with a "decent" excuse.

I graduated a few years later with my child in tow. Those years after she was born we're awful, I had a brief stint of puerperal psychosis and a full whack of severe PND. I felt like we never had any money (we didn't), I never saw my child and I wished so hard that we had waited.

I wouldn't recommend it if you have an option, which you do at this stage.

On a side note (or perhaps not maybe your mum feels the same?!) I think it's very irresponsible to be planning a baby when your both on benefits rather than working and supporting yourselves another mouth for the state to support.

Op, I'm a bit worried (and may be wrong) that you are being driven towards this as a 'I'll show you' to your mum. I'm a new mum in late 20's also have lots of professional and personal (through family&friends) childcare experience, both academic and practical and there are some days and nights like just now where I am physically and mentally broken by it (and my dog ownership exacerbates this at times!). please wait till you are in a holistically strong place so that you and your child can flourish.

Are you my younger sister?

When I was early 20s and with dp my mum had exactly the same conversations with me. When I did get pregnant she wrote me a 7 page letter (a4) ranting at me. Sayinghiw bad it was I was pregnant, I should have an abortion. She stopped talking to me for months.

Over the years there's been digs and hysterical rants at me over my weight, my appearance, my job, a car I bought, my housework standards, dds GCSE choices, numerous other stuff. I'm in my 40s and she speaks (spoke) to me like I was a teenager.

I haven't spoken to her for two years now. Best decision I ever made.

Reading your other posts though maybe she's worried about the fact you don't have a job and have mental health issues. It would be more sensible to get more settled/stable before having a baby.

I think you it would be unreasonable and childish to stop speaking to your mother.
I think you'll need her support.