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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my SIL to keep her ds at table while my dd is still eating ?

146 replies

PoppyPie · 11/02/2007 21:38

Otherwise she naturally wants to get down too and she hasn't eaten anything.My SIL just didn't bother while her DS of 4 went off with DD's games and it messed up the entire dinner.

OP posts:
Skribble · 11/02/2007 22:43

Sitting at a table and teaching table manners has nothing to do with eating problems,thats not what I said. Its parents uptight attitudes towards mealtimes that is more likely to cause it, whether sitting on their own in a high chair, sprawled on the floor or sitting on the settee, it doesn't matter if mummy is growling at you the whole time and getting you so wound up you can barely swallow.

I think I have been misunderstood with reagards to this thread, and as others have said this as nothing to do with manners anyway, its about someone not liking their nephew.

AitchTwoOh · 11/02/2007 22:48

i'm one of four children, we always waited to finish our meal together and it wasn't a problem. i don't really understand why it would be so difficult. 'may i leave the table?' 'nope' generally did it for us. have children changed so much?
in answer to the OP, no, you're not being unreasonable as a general rule (would be SiL's fault though) but if you really don't like the child no wonder he couldn't wait to get away from your table.

Hillary · 11/02/2007 22:49

Who's growling?

northerner · 11/02/2007 22:52
Skribble · 11/02/2007 23:03

The stressed out mums are growling, bye!

FluffyMummy123 · 11/02/2007 23:03

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 11/02/2007 23:05

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 11/02/2007 23:05

Message withdrawn

nearlyfourbob · 11/02/2007 23:27

Probably unreasonable, however for the record I would have made ds stay at the table because that's what we do at our house, he 4 in 2 weeks.

Judy1234 · 11/02/2007 23:34

It's interesting how siblings bring up their children. I always think it's best not to comment. There are now 9 grandchildren/cousins on our side of the family. Even harder is different bed time rules too.

I think it depends on age too. If they're 1 it might be very hard to keep them still unless they're pinned in a high chair. If they're 3 then easier.

colditz · 11/02/2007 23:39

I think you can't expect other people to completely change basic precepts of their parenting just to suit what you want to do with your child. What if your daughter had finished before her son and she had lifted your daughter down from the table and told her to "Go and play, sweetheart"?

And yes it is normal for 4 year old boys to ignore 2 year old girls. 2 year old girls are not very interesting to 4 year old boys, it's not a 4 year old's job to entertain them and it is too much to ask. You say you find him "Spoiled and arrogant" - at a guess, you found him to be 4. Perhaps you are allowing you derogatory feelings towards your SIL to spill over into the way you feel about your nephew - which would be sad,.

SofiaAmes · 12/02/2007 03:28

Personally I try very hard to teach my children to respect other people's rules when they are in their house, even if they aren't our rules. However, I have found that I seem to be a rarity in this and have been working hard at not getting too agitated by what other parents let their children do. My solution is just not to invite other families (whose children's eating habits bother me) to dinner. We do playdates that dont' involve meals or go to their house where we go by their mealtime rules (or lack there of).
My children are expected to sit at the table until everyone else has finished and have always been expected to do so since they were babies. However, I add a few caveats to this 1) I am not unreasonably rigid about this if one of the children is eating painfully slowly, everyone else (adults included) are not expected to wait; 2) If it is primarily an adult gathering that the children have been allowed to eat at (rather than a family affair) then I let the kids leave once all the other kids have finished and 3) I work hard to make mealtime conversation interesting for all. Family dinners are an important time for children to learn about life. My parents are both scientiests and my brother and I learned lots about science and art and all sorts of things just from the conversation at dinner. And I think that my two (4 and 6) are already learning things too from the interaction we all have at the breakfast and dinner table.
I do think that having had a good childhood experience at the dinner table makes me more inclined to continue the tradition with my children.
To answer your question....it's not unreasonable for you to wish that your sil respected the traditions and rules that you keep in your home, but perhaps it is unreasonable to ruin a family relationship because she doesn't. How often do you eat with sil and does it really matter on those (presumably) few occasions if your dd doesn't finish her meal because she want to get up and play with her cousin...

Fillyjonk · 12/02/2007 07:09

gosh it had never occured to me to care about this, i must say

neither has it ever been an issue

my kids don't have to stay at the table. They don't even have to come to the table.

There are 2 big boxes of toys in the dining rooms (its where i study)

despite all this, I cannot remember a single mealtime when they have not come to the table and they seldom get down early.

meowmix · 12/02/2007 07:51

DS (3.6) stays at the table till everyone is finished. Family rule. He gets to sing a song or tell a story while he waits. He has been known to tell me off for getting up to fetch something while he's still eating.

So I'd be in the being unreasonable camp.

FluffyMummy123 · 12/02/2007 08:02

Message withdrawn

sugarmagnolia · 12/02/2007 08:17

The only thing that makes me angry is if the other parent starts to offer dessert while mine is still eating. Obviously if there is ice cream on show there's no more room for dinner!

Mine know they can ask to leave the table when finished (no getting up and down while still eating though!) and they aren't allowed to ask for anything else (even if it's only fruit they want) until everyone else has finished.

LIZS · 12/02/2007 08:43

If your dn had had his fill then I don't think it unreasonable at all for him to be allowed to leave the table, but as host you should have been asked if that was ok . I can understand that it might have been distracting for your dd but he is ultimately not your child to insist upon remaining there perhaps getting irritable and fidgetty.

tbh I would normally encourage a child his age at least to wait for his peers to finish before getting down but as Cod pointed out further down he probably would n't yet view your dd as a peer. Also presumably you don't insist in your dd waiting in her seat until you've all finished, although she may happen to stay on your lap at the table, so you don't really yet have a "rule" as such to expect your sil and dn to follow. However if he hadn't really finished and was coming back to the table to nibble, walking off eating, and being indulged by sil that would be a different matter altogether.

Jimjams2 · 12/02/2007 09:01

These threads always make me laugh as I realise just how different our life is from everyone else's (although I do admit to being concerned about ds2 going to a friends house for lunch for the first time ever tomorrow- he's been brought up in a zoo as far as mealtimes are concerned). Funniest thing was seeing someone trying to get ds1 to use a coaster (I think he picked it up and sniffed it, then out the cup down next to it). Northerner you'd be fine here- I wouldn't even notice, far les care- your ds would fit right in.

Aderyneryn · 12/02/2007 09:19

PoppyPie ~ I too would expect a 4 year old to remain in the vicinity of the dinner table whilst my 2yo finished eating.

If we have guests over for lunch we'll usually have 2 courses. i.e. a sandwich followed by a yoghurt. I'd probably make it known that the children who finish their sandwich (whether they eat it or not) have to remain at the table and wait for the yoghurt course and the yoghurt isn't coming out until everyone ( all the children at least) are finished with their sandwich. If a child leaves the table they have indicated they don't want the yoghurt course and then they lose out.

But of course everyone does things differently. Perhaps you could let you DD down to play and leave her lunch on the table. 2 year olds tend to graze and come back to their food if you don't clear it away and leave it on the table.

gingermonkey · 12/02/2007 09:27

what's a table? Is it like a tray?

jellyhead · 12/02/2007 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

northerner · 12/02/2007 15:04

Cod you nutter. I was joking about the artichoke soup!! I open a tin of Heinz remember?...........

Jimjams - when can we come for dinner then?

Jimjams2 · 12/02/2007 16:08

bring a bottle (for us ) and anytime!

SofiaAmes · 12/02/2007 20:08

ooh my ds' current fav vegetable is artichoke (his birthday wish when he blew out his candles was for a dozen of them). He has just announced that his second favorite is broccoli rape. All loaded with garlic of course.

mousiemousie · 12/02/2007 20:15

your house your rules
her house her rules